I wobbled my way across the floor, back to the bar. Hudson’s kiss, his words, his control was like a whole party’s worth of drugs. I was high on lust, but crashing fast.
What had I done? Agreed to think about being his sub. Like I had time in my life for any of that mess.
Making money to go toward buying the bakery needed to take up all my time. More than that. The bakery was the way I could show the world that I was finally a success and not the epic failure I’d always been.
Hudson and his fine ass didn’t fit into that plan anywhere.
So, why was I leaning toward jumping into a D/s relationship with him with bells on. Hell, bells, whistles, toot-toot horns, and a big billboard that said, take me now.
“Mila, you okay? Do I need to kick anyone’s ass?” Jim poured a beer and gave it a shove down the counter to a waiting customer.
“Yes. I mean, no, everything is fine.”
He crossed his arms and leaned against the counter, eyeing me up and down. “You don’t look like it’s fine.”
Jim was my boss, but he was also an experienced Dom, and I really wanted to get anyone else’s perspective on this thing with Hudson. I couldn’t talk to my girls. None of them knew anything about the Asylum. They just thought I had gotten a job at a swanky new bar.
I sighed. “Would it be weird if I asked you about becoming a sub?”
“Is that what this is about? Then, nope. This lifestyle is about open communication. Hit me with whatever you’ve got, doll.”
Being open wasn’t really in my repertoire. “I don’t really know where to start.”
“How about with why you think you’d like submitting to someone like Hudson Ward.”
Well, crapmuffins. Had the whole club seen us? I swallowed the answer to that. Why did I want to do those wonderfully dark and naughty things with Hudson? “Because, when I’ve been with him I—”
My face went so hot thinking about how Hudson touched me, the things he said to me, the things he pushed me to do.
“You’re not just thinking about it, then.”
“No, yes. I mean, we’ve…”
“Fucked?”
God, this was a weird conversation to be having. “Yeah. But it was different than before.”
“Before?”
This would have been so much easier if we’d just met. “We dated in high school.”
“And now you’re all grown up, and doing grown up kinky fuckery.” Jim nodded knowingly. “The question really is, did you like it?”
No more lying. “More than I’m willing to admit.”
“That right there is the real question then, dollface. What’s holding you back from embracing what gets your rocks off? What are you afraid of?”
Only about a million things. “Afraid I don’t have time for a relationship like this.”
“That’s a bullshit excuse I’ve heard a million times.” He tapped his finger on the counter right where my lying eyes were glued. “If it’s something you want, you have time. Try again.”
I shrugged, not ready to dig deeper.
“You’re not a dumb bunny, Mila. You know in your heart what you want, you just have to be brave enough to do it.”
But I wasn’t brave.
“Hey, look. We’ve got plenty of staff on tonight for this grand opening bullshit. Why don’t you take the rest of the night off and go figure out what you want?”
I shook my head. “I told Hudson I’d let him know at the end of my shift.”
“Then you’d better get to that soul-searching, and bringing drinks to members all night isn’t going to help you do that.”
Damn. I needed the money from working, but my head was not in it, and Jim was right. There were people here playing tonight, but not many drinking, which was to be expected when alcohol meant no sexy times. “Okay.”
I grabbed a pad and scribbled a note for Hudson to meet me at the bakery in a couple of hours. Getting my hands in some flour and butter always helped me think, and I could get a head start on the morning’s orders.
“Give this to Hudson, will you?”
“Will do. Good luck, doll.”
I snuck out the employee entrance and headed downstairs to the bakery. The night was quiet, and it was mere minutes before I was up to my elbows in cupcake batter. With each batch, I changed my mind. At first, I was sure I should say no, then I knew I had to say yes. No. Yes. Maybe?
“Knock, knock.” Aniya’s voice floated in through my thoughts. “I was coming home from, uh, never mind, and I saw the lights on in the shop.”
I felt the tension in the muscles in my face relax at seeing my best friend. “You know I’m going to ask you later where that never mind really was, don’t you?”
“Of course,” she swiped at a bit of batter from the outside of the bowl and stuck it in her mouth, making all the mmm-ing sounds. “And I’ll deny all knowledge of which you speak.”
“Just as long as we’re clear.”
“Got anything for a girl who needs chocolate?”
Uh-oh. Aniya usually denied herself all things sugary, so if she needed chocolate, her never mind was a big deal.
“Of course.” I turned on the coffee brewer and pulled out the cupcakes that were cooling. Until they had frosting on them, they were practically muffins, and muffins were healthy. Chocolate came from a plant, so we were practically eating salad.
“What are you doing here in the middle of the night? Shouldn’t you be at the new bar?” Aniya grabbed a cupcake and pulled the top off.
“Yeah, but I had some stuff to think about and the baking helps me do that.”
Aniya nodded. “Man troubles?”
“Yep, you?”
“Yep. Why does everything have to be so complicated?” She sighed and poked a finger into the muffin.
“I don’t know.” But it helped to have a friend who understood. “I want to be with him, Aniya, but I’m afraid.”
“I get that. What are you afraid of, do you think?”
So many things. I looked up at the ceiling and let all my worries pour out. “That I’ll lose myself in him, in the relationship, that he’ll take over my life, that he’s got this idea of who I am and what we’ll be together and that I won’t be able to live up to any of it.”
Aniya grabbed two more cupcakes and set one in front of me. “I think there’s something more there that you aren’t saying.”
This is what being honest with a best friend did. I had to swallow a few times before I could answer. “Yeah, probably.”
She laughed. “Being a twenty-four-year-old virgin sucks the big one.”
I smirk-smiled and shrugged. “Being a twenty-four-year-old not virgin isn’t a whole lot better, so don’t let it get to you too much.”
Aniya looked all around the bakery but wasn’t seeing anything. She was pretty deep inside her head. “Huh. You may be right. So, do you want Hudson?”
“I think I’m too afraid to want him. He’s messing up everything in my life.”
“Love’s messy. But it’s love. What’s life without it?”
Love, I never said I was in love with Hudson. Was I?
I quickly imagined myself contemplating the deep meaning of love and examining all my feelings about Hudson.
Then he was here – standing just inside the bakery’s back door, and I knew.
“Hey.” Hudson stood, hands in his pockets, trying his best to look casual, but I could see the tension in his shoulders and neck.
“Hey.” That’s all I managed to get out.
Never in our lives had we been this awkward. I hated that, and couldn’t stand for it to be this way. It didn’t need to be, and I was the one who could make it all better. If I could suck up my fears and take the risk on letting him into my life.
Aniya stood and walked toward the door. “I’m gonna head home. See you later.”
I waved to her and smiled shyly at Hudson.
“Come on in. Sit with me and we’ll have some late-night breakfast. Then you can taste my Sopapilla Cheesecake Bars.”
He didn’t move from the doorway. “I’d rather taste you.”
This was it. Let him in or die sad, tired, and alone.
That might happen anyway, but at least with Hudson I had a shot at happiness. I breathed in the soft scents of the bakery mixed with the distinct manliness that was Hudson.
I had a deep connection with this man and I’d been missing that in my life.
I was going to go for it.
I crossed the space between us, took his hand and pulled him into the room. “Hud, I want that too, you have to know I do. But we have some things to sort out first.”
I waved him to a table and then I brought over the food and cups of coffee. Here goes. “I want to be honest with you, and I don’t know if I have enough time. I know that sounds like an excuse, but I already work two jobs and I need to find a third.”
He didn’t touch the food, his entire being was focused entirely on me. “Why do you need a third job?”
“LaRee has offered to sell me this place at a steep discount, and I want that more than anything else in my life. But I don’t have the money.”
He nodded and I saw the gears working in his head. “How much do you need?”
More than I ever thought I’d have in my life all at one time. “Twenty grand.”
He put his hands around my waist and sat me on his lap. “Being your Dom means more than taking care of you sexually, Camila. I’ve done that kind of relationship before, and it’s shallow and mostly meaningless. That’s not what I want with you. Let me help with this too.”
“You can’t take over my whole life, Hudson.” Damn. I couldn’t get that scared part of myself to quit back-seat driving. I bit my tongue to keep from saying anything more.
“I don’t want to take from you. I want you to give to me. Because you like it, because you want and need me to take some of the load of the world from you.”
Think before talking this time, brain and mouth. “What do you get out of that?”
Hudson traced two fingers down my jaw and under my chin. “I get to take care of you, know that you are mine. We get to be… more than just a couple, more than dating. We’re together, in all things.”
I’ve never been anybody’s. Not like what he meant. Not even when we’d been together before. That had been kid-stuff, nothing compared to what he was asking from me now.
I didn’t know what I’d expected his answer to be, but that wasn’t it. “What about the sex, the control, all the Dom and sub stuff?”
“That’s part of the fun, and it’s not just a game to me. But even if you said you never wanted to set foot inside the Asylum again, you were never going to call me sir, and our sex life would be vanilla forever more, I’d still want to take care of you, be with you.”
His words were like a sunny day on the chill that I hadn’t realized was around my heart. I could almost feel it thawing in my chest. All the years of feeling like nobody loved me had built up a solid wall of reinforced frozen steel that I thought would keep me safe. All it had done was keep me isolated and alone.
“I want to be with you too.” I gently kissed him on the lips to seal the words. “But I’m still not taking your money.”
He grabbed my face and pulled me in for a longer, deeper kiss. “Okay, why don’t you apply for a small business loan?”
Two could play this game. I stroked my hands through his hair and down to his ear. Then my lips followed and I nibbled on his earlobe. “Because I doubt anyone will give me one, and honestly, I don’t even know where to begin.”
He groaned when I licked the soft spot behind his ear, and I made a mental note to do that as often as I could. “I know I can do a good job running this place, but I don’t know how to convince a bank of that fact.”
Hudson reciprocated by reaching under my shirt, pulling the cup of my bra down and pulling on my nipple. “Let me help you. I may be a jock, but I’m not a dumb one.”
I pushed my chest forward looking, hoping for more. “No, you’re definitely not dumb. It’s hard for me to ask for help, but I’d like yours.”
A rush of joy whooshed through me like a fiesta.
“I got a degree in business. Football isn’t going to last my whole life. I’m good with money and plan to use mine entrepreneurially when I’m done playing ball.”
“How is your brain still working well enough to use words like entrepreneurially?” Mine had begun to turn to mush the second his hands went under my shirt.
He unhooked my bra and yanked it down so both of my breasts were free. His fingers quickly found my other nipple and this time instead of pulling on my taut skin, he pinched, sending shockwaves straight between my legs.
“It’s always my goal to keep my head in the game while making you lose yours.”
He pushed my legs open and walked his fingers up my thigh, tickling my skin and my senses.
While I wanted to get down and dirty with him, I wanted to make sure we were on the same page, because his book was way bigger than mine. “I guess we should talk about all that BDSM stuff.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, we do need to do that. But maybe after I make you come a couple of times.”
“You’ve got me all hot and bothered, but can we wait, until we’re not in the bakery? I’d like to continue this somewhere I can let go and not worry about if someone is going to walk in on us.”
“Mila, until you hand your power over to me in a scene, you’re the one calling the shots. If you want to wait, we’ll wait. Anticipation can be a big part of the fun. Especially if I tell you you’re not allowed to touch yourself or come until I’m inside you again.”
Gasp. “Ooh, you’re mean.”
“In all the best ways, flower.”