I’m not sure where this bold side of me came from, but I think Finn likes it. The smile on his face as he grabbed his very impressive bulge has me squeezing my legs together.
I miss sex.
I miss being touched.
Loved.
Wanted.
There’s still this small part of my mind throwing up red flags. I’ve talked to my therapist about sex, to the point of exhausting the topic. If there’s anyone in this world who will take care of me in bed, it’s Finn. I trust him with my life. But the panic is still there. It lies in wait inside of me so it can spring to attention anytime I’m triggered.
The gentle touch of Finn’s fingers on my cheek brings my attention back to him. “Blair? I lost you for a second there.”
Peering up at him, I decide to tell him how I feel. I’d rather do it now than when I’m in bed with him later. If we end up in bed. “I might freak out.”
“Why would you?”
I wave my hand in front of him, mostly at his crotch. “Us, naked, in bed. It might trigger me into a panic attack. I'm not sure. I haven't been with anyone in a long time, and all those toys I have don't exactly do the same thing as a real live person.” My face immediately heats as I realize what I just confessed to. Maybe I should bring him into my bedroom and pull open the two drawers full of sex toys I have. That’s a real turn-on. Look at the broken woman and the toys she keeps because she’s too afraid to be with a man.
Finn doesn’t falter, though. His caring eyes hold mine with all the patience in the world. “We won’t go any farther than you want to. You set the pace.”
I stand and take his hand in mine. “What if I want more? What if I want it all?”
“Then I’ll be here. But if you decide it’s too much, I’ll still be here. Whether I’m holding you or making love to you, it won’t matter. Just being in your life is important to me.” My mind sticks on two words—making love. Does Finn love me? It’s not like we just met. We’ve known each other for years. Could he have fallen in love with me, even though we’ve never been intimate? Never even kissed? And better yet, could I possibly be in love with him?
My head spins at the questions running through my mind. It's going to take some doing to get me out of my head. But Finn could do it. I look at him sometimes, and the entire world falls away. He has that much power over me.
Never did I think I’d let someone hold power like that again. However, with Finn, it wasn’t me relinquishing control. It wasn’t me giving him everything at once. He’s earned bits and pieces of my trust over the years with his comfort, his unwavering strength, and his kindness.
“How about this?” he asks. “We don’t plan further than dinner tonight. We don’t think about what’s going to happen. Let’s focus on the meal and let whatever happens after that, happen.”
I smile. “I can do that. You don’t have to work?” Finn works every night and every day. He’s a workaholic. It fits with me, though. I can write through the night. I can sit and watch television then shoot up and have to jot something down. When inspiration comes, I run with it. Finn usually laughs and asks to see what I wrote. That is when he’s here. He hasn’t seen me pop awake in the middle of the night to jot down ideas on the little pad of paper I keep on my nightstand.
The idea of him being in bed with me warms me but also worries me. He’d see the quirky part of me. The author part that has wild dreams that turn into book ideas. But he’d get my nightmares, too.
“I’ll cancel the plans I had for this evening,” he replies.
“You don’t have to do that. We can go out anytime.”
"We can and we will. Tonight." Finn's eyes are molten pools of heat, and I’m held in their depths.
“Okay,” I say.
With that, he drops a quick kiss on my forehead and goes back to his side of the desk to start working again. I told him I’d get him a desk in here. He likes working with me, but he refuses every time I bring up adding something for him. I wonder if it’s because he likes looking at me when he works.
Sitting down, I glance up to find his eyes on me. I squirm a little in my seat. Is it possible to come from a look? If so, I think Finn might be able to take me there. That would be interesting. Imagine being on a date and one look from the other person pushes me over the edge into a full on orgasm, regardless of who’s around. I shake my head. I write too many smutty books. My mind is extremely dirty.
I tap a pen against my lip while I think. I wonder if Finn would be interested in playing with any of my toys. I’ve seen enough porn to know men can get off using a vibrator pressed to their dick. And they like it. No, I don’t have any cock rings, prostate massagers, or sleeves. I could get them, though, if he wanted me to.
Finn groans. “Are you trying to kill me, Blair?”
I focus on him again and realize I’m swirling my tongue around the capped pen. “Sorry.” Finn doesn’t look sorry, though. He’s gripping himself through his shorts. God, what I wouldn’t give to watch him take his dick out and pleasure himself.
“Like something you see?” Fuck, he’s cocky right now.
“I don’t think you want to know what’s running through my mind.”
“I think I do.”
“I write romance, Finn. Some of it is exceptionally dirty.”
“Tell me what you want, baby.” That’s the second time he’s called me baby. Hearing it floods my body, reaching my core, making me want him more.
“Fuck,” I moan and reach down to touch myself briefly. When did my office become the stage for porn?
“Damn, you’re hot,” he says in a gravely voice. If I weren't so turned on, I'd be embarrassed, but desire is winning right now.
I don’t move my hand but press it firmer against my mound as I watch Finn stroke himself through his shorts. How did we get here? Oh, I know. We both confessed we have feelings for one another, and now we're touching ourselves instead of talking or fucking.
Finn’s eyes hold mine as he pops the button of his shorts and lowers his zipper. “Is this okay?” He’d stop if I asked him to. I know that for certain. And that gives me the strength to tell him to keep going. I nod.
Finn reaches inside his shorts, inside his grey boxer briefs, and pulls his dick free. He’s long, thick, and hard.
He tugs on himself a few times before running his thumb along the tip to collect the precum that’s built up. “This is because of you, Blair. You do this to me.”
I moan again and decide to throw caution to the wind and slip my hand inside my shorts. They’re cotton with an elastic waistband, so it’s easily done. I glide my fingers along myself and find how wet I am.
Finn jerks himself, adding a twist of his wrist every now and then. It’s the single most erotic thing I’ve ever seen. His eyes are hooded, his lips parted. "God, baby. I wish this were your hand on me. Fuck, I want you so bad." I could get up and go to him. We could pleasure each other. However, I don’t want the moment we have to end.
My body tenses as my orgasm builds. If there’s one thing I know, it’s how to get myself off fast. I’m close to the edge. My breathing picks up; my chest rises and falls quickly.
“Come for me, Blair. Let me see how much I affect you.”
That’s all I need to send myself flying. I cry out as I quicken my pace and rub myself until I can’t take it anymore. The moment I come back to earth, I find Finn jerking himself faster. His shirt is lifted up to his neck, his glorious, rock hard abs on display. Two more pulls and he’s coming hard onto his stomach and chest as my name leaves his lips. Fuck, this is hot. I’m going to play this scene over and over in my mind every time I’m horny and alone.
Finn swipes the remaining come from his dick then tucks himself back in. Reaching forward, he grabs a few tissues from my desk to clean himself up and tosses them into the garbage.
With his shirt lowered and his shorts buttoned up, he leans forward as I pull my hand from my shorts. With gentle fingers, he reaches across the desk to take my hand in his and brings my still wet fingers to his mouth. He sucks them hard, causing another jolt of lust to rush through me.
“So fucking sweet, Blair. All for me.”
“Do you read romance books when I’m not around?” I ask.
He chuckles as he releases me. “No.”
“Because you’re seriously book boyfriend material right now. I couldn’t have written a better scene.”
He ignores my statement and regards me with concern. “Was that okay with you? It didn’t cause you any pain, right?” He’s talking about emotionally. Nothing I did hurt me physically.
“No, I’m fine. Honest.”
“We don’t ever have to do more than that.”
“I want to, Finn. If anything, that showed me I’m ready for more. Only if you are.” I’m grateful nothing about what we did triggered a panic attack.
“I am.” He nods in response.
Over the course of the next two hours, we both work, sneaking glances at one another, and try to focus. I get a chapter written, and it’s hands down one of the raunchiest things I’ve ever written. I’m not even sure what book it’s going to go into, but damn, Finn inspired it. I had to get it down.
He closes his laptop. “I need to get home to shower and change. How does six sound?”
“Good. Where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise, remember?” He smiles.
“Well, at least give me a hint. I have to know how to dress.”
“You’re perfect as you are, Blair. This is nothing fancy. Not tonight. Not for our first date.”
Finn and I have been to dinner plenty of times as friends, and they've been fancy as hell. I can't help but wonder where we're going. It won’t be to one of his restaurants. They’re all upscale. He wouldn’t take me to the club. That’s not my scene and can trigger a panic attack in under five seconds. Too many people pushing around me. Nope. I’m good not going there.
He doesn’t kiss me or do anything other than smile before he leaves the room and descends the stairs. I listen as the door closes. With him gone, the house is very quiet.
I have a while before I need to get ready. He said I’m fine as I am, but I want to shower and put on something else before he gets here.
Staring at my screen, I read through the chapter I just wrote. It makes me hot all over. Then I picture what happened this afternoon. Finn in my office with his dick in his hand as he came while watching me touch myself. He was so fucking sexy.
I’m not sure how I got so lucky to have him in my life, but I won’t take a minute of whatever this is between us for granted. I have a feeling we’re going to be one of those couples that go from zero to a thousand in a short amount of time. That’s okay with me. With Finn, I’m all in.
It’s a scary thought, but one that feels right. I have to try and keep the fear from my mind tonight. There’s no room for it. I sure as hell didn’t panic when I was making myself come in front of him. I just have to hope I can focus on nothing but him tonight and keep those negative thoughts at bay. I don’t want anything to derail our evening.