Chapter Twenty-Four
Adam didn’t have a place in mind when he started driving after grabbing a six-pack from the market, but he ended up in the cemetery, winding through the narrow paths until he stood in front of his friend’s headstone. He opened a beer and finally made himself read it.
And somehow not nearly long enough.
He opened a second beer and, after a self-conscious look around, upended it on the grass covering his friend’s grave.
Adam sighed. His mama wasn’t talking to him, and Lenora had practically ripped out his throat when he tried to push the subject. As much as he hated to admit it, she was right—they both needed time to cool off. The problem was the truth wasn’t going anywhere, no matter how many laps he drove around town.
She’s really going to be gone for good, long before I’m ready to let her go. I don’t know that I’ll ever be ready to let her go.
His mama was the closest thing to roots he had in this life. What was he going to do without that? It didn’t matter that he didn’t see her all that often normally—knowing she was carrying on life in Devil’s Falls had always steadied him, just a bit.
“So what’s brought you out here looking for answers?”
He took a long pull of his beer and turned to where Daniel approached. He wasn’t ready to talk about it. He didn’t know if he’d ever be ready to say it aloud. So he went with something easier to bear. “You know, John was one of my best friends, and I’ve never come out here to visit him.”
“He’s gone. Visiting his grave doesn’t make him any less gone.”
The words didn’t sit well with him. There was nothing more final than a gravestone, and the thought that in too short a time he might be standing in front of a different gravestone made his throat burn. “Have you been out here?”
“Yeah.” Daniel tipped back his head and closed his eyes. “I share a six-pack with him once a month.”
It was becoming startlingly clear that Adam had well and truly fucked up when he left town—and he’d been fucking up ever since. “I should have come back sooner. I should have been here for you and Quinn.”
And for Mama.
“We were all fighting our own demons in our own way. You did the best you could.”
But that wasn’t the truth. He could have done better. Oh, he’d spent the last decade telling himself that no one expected any different from him. He was just like his old man. The bad egg. The hell-raiser. So when he blew out of town, restlessness driving him like a leaf before a hurricane, it was only the last in a long list of things adding up to him being the piece-of-shit leaver he’d always known he was.
He’d never once considered that he could change.
“My mama’s dying. Cancer.”
Daniel finally looked at him. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“No one did. The only reason I know is that I bullied my way into her doctor’s appointment.” And suddenly the words were there where there hadn’t been any before. “I should have been here. All this time, I should have been here.”
“You had your reasons for leaving.”
Adam suddenly hated that everyone was so goddamn willing to give him a pass. “What could possibly be more important than being here? All these years wasted, chasing some adrenaline high while I was missing the shit that really mattered back home.”
“Fuck, Adam, what do you want me to say? Was it shitty that you left right after graduation? Yeah, it was. And, yeah, it would have been nice to have you here instead of passing through town like a fucking tumbleweed. But you made the decision that you made. I wasn’t willing to lose another friend over it.”
Especially not after they’d lost John.
“I’m sorry.” He felt like he’d been saying that too fucking much lately. What did sorry really mean if he didn’t do a damn thing to keep this shit from happening again?
“There’s nothing to be sorry for. We all did stupid shit when we were eighteen and full of more come than common sense. If you keep beating yourself up about it, you’re never going to get past it.” He looked at Adam. “But you’re not eighteen anymore. So what are you going to do?”
About his mama.
About Jules.
About his goddamn life in general.
He rubbed a hand over his face. That was the problem—like Daniel said, they weren’t eighteen anymore. He’d spent so long running from the idea of settling down, he wasn’t sure what it’d be like to stand and fight. But he already knew that chasing down his favorite adrenaline rush was only a temporary solution. “I don’t know.”
“Here’s a hint—apologize. Your mama loves you as much as you love her.” Daniel pushed to his feet and finished off his beer. “And, Adam, none of us knew she was sick—not like you’re saying. If no one in Devil’s Falls could tell, how the hell would you be able to? Do you have some sort of X-ray vision that you’ve neglected to tell me about?”
“No.”
“Yeah, I didn’t think so.” He awkwardly squeezed Adam’s shoulder. “Just be there for her. That’s all she wants.”
That seemed to be all anyone wanted from him. Except Jules. Jules fully expected him to leave at some point and had plans to eventually settle down with some future guy.
Something must have showed on his face, because Daniel hesitated. “I hate to even ask, but what the hell happened with Jules? One second you’re making googly eyes at her, and the next she’s calling me upset and telling me to track your stupid ass down.”
Of course she’d been the one to call Daniel. It didn’t matter that he’d said some awful shit to her—she was still trying to take care of him. “It never would have worked. I don’t deserve her.”
But he wanted to.
Daniel leveled a long look at him. “Yeah, well, not with you being own self-fulfilling prophecy. You’re not your old man. You never were, though you’ve been determined to prove otherwise since you were a kid.” He set the empty bottle back into the six-pack. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help with your mom.” And then he was gone, striding across the cemetery to where his truck was parked at the entrance.
The possibility that he wasn’t his father 2.0 had never really occurred to Adam. Oh, he’d fantasized about making different choices when he was too young to know better, but when push came to shove, his instincts were always to walk away. To pursue the next adrenaline rush. Adam glared at the horizon, waiting to feel the pull for the next ride, the next highway to nowhere.
For once in his life, it didn’t have the same siren call as what was behind him—Devil’s Falls, his mama, and Jules.
“Better late than never.” He headed for his truck. He wasn’t sure where to start, but he owed his mama an apology. He’d mishandled things, and having the best of intentions didn’t change the fact that he’d pissed her off something fierce.
The drive back to her place passed in a blur, and then he was striding into the kitchen, where his mama and Lenora were puttering over of pot of what smelled like chicken noodle soup. Lenora took one look at his face and said, “I’ll be in the living room if you need me.”
He wanted to tell her that his mama didn’t need her for a conversation with her son, but it was right that Lenora stood with her against the world—even him. His mama had stood alone for far too long, and he was honestly glad that she’d found happiness in the midst of everything. “Mama.”
She braced her frail shoulders like she was going to war and turned to face him. “Son.”
He didn’t want to fight. Fuck, he was so tired of fighting. “I wish you would have told me.”
“That was my choice to make.”
“Mama—”
“I don’t know if it helps or makes it worse, but I haven’t known nearly as long as you seem to think.” She shot a look at the doorway Lenora had disappeared through. “She wouldn’t take no for an answer when it came to contacting you.”
He exhaled. She hadn’t hid it from him. Not really. That was just his knee-jerk reaction upon hearing that she had stage-four cancer. It had never occurred to him that it had surprised her as much as him. Great job being sympathetic, ass. “I’ve made a mess of things.”
“You’re overprotective.” She smiled. “There are worse things, especially when I can’t blame your bullheadedness on your father.”
He managed a smile, though it felt brittle. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to be there for you without stepping on toes and trying to fix things.”
“Oh, baby.” She crossed the tiny kitchen and took his hands. “Some things you can’t fix, no matter how hard you try. I was never going to make it out of this life alive. None of us are.” She hugged him. “Give me the benefit of choosing how I’m going out. I don’t want the chemo. The cancer is doing enough to me, and I can’t bear the thought of my body wasting away any faster than it already is.”
Stubborn to the very end.
Just like me.
It struck him that he’d been so focused on his old man that he’d never really considered what he’d inherited from his mama. If his father was a leaf on the wind, his mama was as steady as the sunrise. I could have learned a thing or two from her if I’d just held still long enough to realize that. He didn’t know how to prove to her that he was determined to change, but there was only one place to start. “I’m going to buy a house.”
His mama’s eyes went wide. “What?”
“It’s time. If you don’t want chemo, I’m not going to push you. It’s your decision. But I’m going to be here every step of the way and I’m going to help how I can.”
Her grip tightened on his hands. “And after?”
That was the question, wasn’t it? Daniel’s words echoed through his mind.
You’re not eighteen anymore.
It’s time to stop acting like a scared kid.
“I hear the Rodriguez ranch needs help. Daniel would be more than happy to put me to work.”
A shake passed through her body. “Truly?”
How had he never seen how much his leaving hurt his mama? Selfish to the core. Adam hugged her, holding her as tightly as he dared. “I’m not leaving again.” If he could give his mom something, he’d give her this. He pressed a quick kiss to the top of her head. “What I think we both like to forget is that I had two parents. I’m tired of following in the footsteps of that piece of shit.”
“Language.”
“Sorry, Mama. My point is that maybe I could learn a thing or two from the better half of the equation.”
Her smile was a reward all its own. “You’re a good man, baby.”
It was the first time she’d ever said that to him, and if he didn’t quite believe her, not yet, he was determined to make it the truth. He let go of her and stood back, his mind already turning to how he’d make a real life for himself here. He had a ton of money saved up because he’d stopped blowing through it after the first year of bull riding and had lived pretty low-key in the meantime—more than enough for a down payment.
“Baby?”
“Yeah, Mama?”
“What are you going to do about the Rodriguez girl?” Some censure had leaked back into her tone. “I was by Cups and Kittens earlier today, and she looks like she got hit by a truck.” There was no doubt in her mind that he was the cause, and he couldn’t even get pissed because it was the damn truth.
He’d well and truly fucked up.
“I’m going to make it right.” He didn’t know how, and he’d more than deserve it if Jules told him to take a hike while she moved on with her life. Adam didn’t give a fuck. He’d fallen for her, and he’d do whatever it took to fix things and prove to her that he was the perfect man for her. He just had to figure out how.
His mama patted him on the arm. “You better. She’s a good girl. I think she’d make an excellent daughter-in-law.”
He laughed. “Yeah, well, let’s take things one day at a time.”
“That’s the only way you can take them, baby.” She kissed him on the cheek. “Now, go get your woman.”