“SUCKS TO BE ME”
SCREENPLAY
BY
CHARLOTTE WEBB
ANONY MOUS
INTERIOR. A HIGHSCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
CHARLIE and ROACH skip down corridor holding hands, laughing uproariously at their own
lighthearted whimsy. The zippy duo comes to an abrupt halt as they near a row of lockers.
CHARLIE – VOICE OVER
Much as I loved being right, in this one teeny instance, being wrong wouldn’t have sucked a whole bunch.
ROACH
Do you believe this?
CHARLIE – VOICE OVER
Yes, I did believe it, because, as I told Roach before, lots of things that weren’t supposed to happened, did happen, and one of them just happened to crap in my face. The evidence of my stupidity was proudly on display not four feet away.
ROACH
Is that really you? If I squint, it could be anyone. Well, any girl.
CHARLIE
Except that I’m the only girl in school with a fucking mole at the end of her smile! I knew I should have pulled an Enrique Iglesias and had Mini Me removed. We could have preserved her in a Petri dish for future generations to admire.
ROACH
Let’s think positive. One topless photo doesn’t a life of prostitution make.
CHARLIE
One, no. However, one topless photo of you photocopied and taped to every single fucking locker in your school could certainly lead a girl in that direction.
ROACH
No one will figure it out. And if someone tries to peg this on you, we’ll write up a formal denial and post it in the school newsletter.
CHARLIE
Did you even read the words at the bottom? Are your corneas non-functional?
(reads aloud)
Charlie gives good head!
ROACH
Ewe…did you really?
CHARLIE
I’m a virgin, Roach. Doesn’t mean I’m exactly virginal. But the point is, he used my name. I think that makes it pretty clear who owns those melons.
ROACH
(groaning)
How did this happen?
CHARLIE
Tyler Gribbons. He took the shot with his cell, right before he went to that football training
camp.
ROACH
(answers her cell)
Weird, it’s for you. I think it’s Ty.
CHARLIE
(pissed)
Hello. This is Charlie, who’s going to Fucking maim and kill you, speaking.
TY
I see you got my message this time. I wasn’t sure if you had your phone back yet. You gotta’ admit the old school locker trick is still pretty effective.
CHARLIE
Fuck off and die. Slowly and painfully.
TY
(laughing)
Love you too, baby. See you around. Actually, lots of people will be seeing you around. I posted it online.
CHARLIE
(dial tone in her ear)
You ………………………………………
FADE TO BLACK
The B-movie of my life fades away and I land in the horrific reality of it all.
I knew it could have been worse. In his haste Ty had prematurely snapped, capturing the moment when my bra was just slipping off my breasts. No exposed nipples. You could have seen the same amount of flesh on any beach or poolside.
But still. The fact that he’d lied and a supposedly private moment was plastered on lockers…stung. It made me feel vulnerable and used and everything I didn’t want to feel when it came to guys.
“In a thousand years from now, this photo will resurface and save my flagging acting career.” See? I could think positive thoughts. And I did, for about a second.
“You don’t want to be an actor anymore,” Roach said. “You want to be an accountant. You told me last week. We planned your course load.”
“Roach, no one wants to be an accountant. That was a joke.”
“Oh, well, good thing. I was afraid to tell you your math marks aren’t up to snuff.” Roach reached out, crumpled one of the offending photos, moved to the next locker, and the next, tearing off as many Charlie chests as she could.
I stood there watching her, and every other Tom, and Harry Dick in the school, as they gave their lockers a cursory glance, tore off the picture and moved on with their lives, while my boobs looked up at them from the freshly-waxed floor.