Sexuality and Celibacy
Q: Is there a meditative approach to sexuality?
A: Of course. Observe where pleasant feelings come from. How do you respond to them? What is the result of the way you respond? Do you grasp and try to hold on to particular feelings and sensations? And what are the results of that grasping? What part does anticipation play in sexuality? What part does disappointment play?
As with any activity, the job of the meditator with regard to sex is to observe the mind. A vigilant meditator will always find something interesting and profound to notice.
Q: When I was younger I used to enjoy the sexual feelings and images that would spontaneously pass through my mind and body. Now I find them disturbing. Previously, they came up when I talked to or thought about a person who was attractive to me. That seems fair enough. But now they come up when I have business with people whom I really don’t find so attractive and who are much older than I am. That this is happening as I get older is alarming to me. What is this all about?
A: Who can say? Karma. An abandonment of discrimination prompted by the media, which exalts sexuality. Or lust, or hormones, or a combination of the above. Or even premature menopause, which is a reality in males as well as in females.
Some people fall into a compulsion around alcohol, others around music. Others around sports, or travel. The effect in all cases is a feeling of being swallowed up by energies that are hard to control yet capture our attention and enslave our behavior.
If the mind is captivated by sexuality and continually seasoned by media images, it is naturally going to kick on its romantic movie machinery every time it encounters an appealing form. We see what we consider to be a beautiful image, and the whole affair rolls out in the twinkling of a moment. A romantic dinner, a stroll in the park, holding hands, the first kiss—here is that somebody who can save me! I finally found Ms. or Mr. Right.
When dealing with challenges such as this one, you must be willing to let go quickly. Don’t allow your mind to fantasize or your thoughts to proliferate. Notice how the process of letting go loosens the grip of these energies ever so slightly. This breaks the pattern. You must be determined and resolute in letting go. In my experience, this may mean that we sometimes have to just grit our teeth and refuse to go along with infatuation, adolescent curiosity, and the like.
Observe how some of the images associated with pleasure come back quickly and quietly. Let go again and again. Determination will gradually alter this situation dramatically. And we remain determined to change not so much because we no longer enjoy these feelings and images, but because we are fed up with being hooked by them.
Q: I find the idea of celibacy unnatural. I think celibates are people who are afraid of sex, have never experienced it, or think it is wrong. Celibacy seems to have only negative implications. What do you think?
A: The matter of celibacy is really quite troubling for most Westerners, perhaps because they feel threatened by it. It is not as if sexual experience is an unknown quality in the lives of celibates. Ninety percent of the celibate people I know have at least had affairs, even if they were never married. We all have experienced pleasure in these relationships. But whether we have come to recognize it or not, the disharmony and confusion that resulted from these relationships far outweighed the temporary delight.
Sexual activity is no insignificant life experience and is not something to be taken casually. Few Westerners actually understand the implications of sexual conduct. A teacher who would dare to advocate a long period of preparation and extended periods of abstinence would be ridiculed as old-fashioned and puritanical in today’s society. Sexual relationships evoke all kinds of karmic energies. They involve our own karma, the karma of our partner, our previous partner’s karma, our partner’s previous partner’s karma, and so on. That means that all former exploitative, abusive, or inappropriate sexual behavior is involved in any present relationship. For everything happens in the present. This is no insignificant matter. It is no wonder that, more often than not, the results of impetuous sexuality are confusion and fragmentation. The ghosts of the past resurrect to overwhelm and confound us once again. This is why celibates welcome the opportunity to back off from sexuality.
Of course a sexual relationship that is grounded in bonding is wise sexuality, which comes about when there is maturity and commitment to live together and serve one another. Marriage creates a forum for this. Knowing this, most people choose to go through a marriage ceremony or other rite of acknowledgment so that their relationship is rooted to the earth.
In marriage, in celibacy, in friendship, in acquaintanceship, and all other human relationships, discipline around sexuality is critical. For celibates, that discipline takes the form of abstinence.
Suppose we have it wrong; suppose we have it backwards. Contrary to conventional wisdom, perhaps the standard ought to be: the less we have, the better off we are. The “less is more” principle can turn the world around. It could be that this business of seeking gratification through others’ bodies is a trick. I bet you’ve suspected this at least once in your sexual experience.
If one gives it up, what is lost? Restlessness. Exploitation and the negative karma it produces. Dependency on others. And in some cases, the fear of loss, anxiety, and disappointment that come along with sexual relations. What could be gained? Time, energy, coolness, reflection upon oneself.
There is nothing to indicate, at least for me, that sexual activity is necessary for life. It is natural, yes. But so is abstinence. “Natural” isn’t a very good criterion when it comes to choosing the way to freedom.