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B
eth took Josh from the nurse and popped him on the breast. At least some things were easier when you had experience. With Keri, she felt useless but persevered, and was glad she had. The feeling of holding a baby in your arms while feeding was exhilarating, but she didn’t blame anyone who didn’t want to or couldn’t.
Her head felt groggy and moving was painful, but she would get there. Nothing in life ever quite turned out like she thought it would.
The nurse came and took Josh back to the nursery. Beth leant against the pillows and was just drifting off when there was a knock on the door. Her breath quickened at the thought it might be Greg. This was ridiculous––she was acting like a schoolgirl. It had to be the hormones.
Greg stood there by the door with a massive bunch of flowers and a large teddy bear. She hoped he had ordered it from her shop. The poor man was half in and half out of the room, as if unsure what to do next. She couldn’t keep the smile from her face.
“I hope these are okay. I thought I should get him something.” Greg placed the flowers and teddy on the bedside locker and peered about the room.
“Josh is in the nursery,” she said. “The nurses wanted me to get some rest, so they’re taking care of him.” She paused, hoping he would sit and stay.
“Josh. It’s a good name,” Greg said, with a grin on his face.
“It’s what I wanted if it was a boy. I hope that’s okay. I should’ve asked you last night.” The statement made Beth realize how insane this whole situation was. Life would be simpler if Greg left, but she didn’t want him to.
“No, it’s your call.” Greg sat on the chair next to the bed. “I’m only here by chance, we both know that. I’ve a job down at Robe for the next three weeks, so that will give you time to work out how I can help. Just say if you need money or anything. I want to make things easier for you and Josh, if I can.”
Beth wanted to say, “I need a man to be in my life. I need Jeff back, because I don’t know you.” But instead she said, “I don’t need anything at the moment, but thank you for offering. You’re right, though. We should spend some time thinking about what we want for Josh. And I have to sort things out with my other two children.”
“Have you told them about me being here?”
“Yes. They’re not ready to meet you, and I won’t push it.” She would like Greg in her life, but she was going to protect her kids, no matter what.
“That’s fair enough.” Greg sat on the end of the bed. He started tapping his hands on his thighs and bouncing his left knee.
Beth laid her head back against the pillow: she was too weak to cope with uncomfortable situations, and wanted to sleep. Last night in the heat of the delivery, she thought they were close, but now it was all gone. It was just awkward. A knock came to the door and the nurse popped her head in.
“The doctor will be here in a minute.”
Greg stood up, eager to leave or so Beth thought, then he leant forward and embraced her. She hadn’t expected the close contact. Beth put her arms around him, and for one moment he nestled his head into her hair. God only knew what she must look like, but she needed this hug. He moved away and put his hands in his pockets.
“I’ll pop to the nursery to see Josh, and I’ll see you in a few weeks, then. Sara’s got my number if you need me.”
With that he was gone, and Beth decided she would just sleep, because her brain couldn’t handle what was happening. At this moment she could find it too easy to want Greg in her life, but she didn’t know him ... he was too tempting, and she didn’t know him at all.
The doctor visited and said he wanted her to stay in hospital for at least four days, and she wasn’t going to argue with him. Pete and Sara were looking after the kids, and Mum and Dad were in their element going between the shop, and spoiling their grandchildren.
Beth just couldn’t get over how exhausted she was. With the other two, she’d had quick labors and been up the next day. They weren’t kidding when they said a Caesarian was like major surgery. She was sore and had to hold onto her tummy whenever she wanted to cough. Just as well that Greg wasn’t here to see her looking like this. She still wasn’t sure why she cared, but she did.
Bringing Josh home had been the best day. Sara and Pete cooed over him, and Mum was constantly having to fight them to get a cuddle. She realized she was an incredibly lucky person to be surrounded by so much love. There was just one other person she wished could have been there. But she didn’t relish the discussions that would come with him.
That was two and half weeks ago, and she reckoned she was doing well since. Her wound was healing and didn’t kill her every time she got up out of a chair. To be honest, the only thing or rather person who annoyed her was Will. He had been around every day in the last couple of weeks since she’d come home, and although he was trying to be helpful, it was wearing her down. Mum didn’t like him, and Beth didn’t have the strength to cope with the two of them making steely eyes at each other.
Josh would wake up again soon for another feed, plus Sara said she would call in. Mum and Dad were making it clear that three weeks full-time in the shop was more than they wanted, and she couldn’t blame them. They had planned their trip to Queensland with friends over a year ago, and they were due to set off next week. If someone had said to her a year ago she would have another baby, she would have said they were mad. Who was mad now, she wondered?
A six-week holiday, that sounded wonderful. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been away. The thought of lying on a beach with the warm sun on you was tempting. Maybe she could ask Greg for a holiday. No, that was not a good idea. She didn’t want to be beholden to him. It would complicate things. Will was tapping his fingers on the breakfast bar again, and it annoyed her. She rubbed her temple, as she felt a headache about to start.
“Sara’s coming over soon ... I need to talk to her about something, and I think she might feel a bit awkward if you were here. Would you mind?” Beth hoped he would take the hint. He kept going on about a key again, and she couldn’t cope with the discussion again. Before Josh had been born she’d found him helpful, but now she found him suffocating with his attention.
“Of course. I’m expecting someone this afternoon. Another medium. She came highly recommended. I don’t want to give up trying to contact Steve, just because Christine couldn’t do it. You think I’m right, don’t you?”
Beth could kick herself for saying he should try and contact his brother through Christine. From that moment, he became obsessed with the idea. He kept talking about all these unusual people he met. There was probably someone else coming around this afternoon ready to rid him of a few hundred dollars. He was only in his late twenties and not bad looking, in a nerdish sort of way. He should go out and have some fun instead of hanging around a tired new mum. “I think you should do what you think is right for you. I found Christine helped me with the grief to begin with. We all find our own way.”
“I’ll go, then.” Will stood, but hesitated before turning away. She almost had the feeling he was going to come across and hug her, but she must have been wrong. He was just trying to be friendly. She had just never seen him that way.
As she shut the front door, she thought about how she had coped with her grief with Greg. His face flashed into her mind and her heart skipped a beat. He had been wonderful in the delivery room, but then a few words and a hug in the morning, and he was gone. She’d been a soft touch to let him be at the delivery, but then again she had been a soft touch eight months earlier too. He would be around later, and she didn’t have a clue how she was going to take it. The other day when he’d phoned, her stomach clenched and she felt her color rise, and all he did was ask to come over. She’d gone breathless and could hardly get her words out.
The doorbell rang. It would be Sara ... and now Josh was crying. Would it have killed him to sleep for another fifteen minutes? This had all been so much easier when she was younger and had someone to share the load with.
Greg tapped on the dashboard, then ran his hands through his hair. He needed to get out of his car sooner or later. He had to do something or he would turn around and drive and not come back. Sara and Pete suspected he would do a runner, but he had a son. Someone in Beth’s house was a part of him. He wouldn’t let them deny him that, surely? He just didn’t have a clue what she expected of him. The last three weeks being away and knowing Josh was back here had made Greg realize this was a gift. His son was a way to get back, to start over, to become someone again.
The house seemed nice. A tidy, three-bedroom home situated in a neat suburb. Just your everyday home and family ... but this one wasn’t his. He pushed the doorbell. His hands were shaking and his heart raced at the thought of seeing Beth and Josh again. What if she told him to go? Changing his mind, he went to turn away, when the door opened. If he left now, he wouldn’t have to deal with the rejection.
“Greg.”
It was Beth’s voice. It was mellow and drew him in now as it did the first time he met her. She looked tired and pale and there were dark circles under her eyes, but she still smiled at him. He’d heard her yell obscenities for several hours in labor. He had also heard her scream and groan with pleasure.
“Can I come in?”
“Yes, of course. Sara’s here. Josh is in the kitchen with her.”
He followed her into the kitchen and Sara sat there and glared at him. He was pretty sure it meant he should have stayed away. He had gotten on with Sara so well, the night of the delivery. Then again she was looking out for Beth, which made him like her more. He wanted to hold Josh. Gazing at him in Sara’s arms, he experienced the same overwhelming sensation he had the first time he saw him. Disbelief. He couldn’t keep the smile from his face and his heart ached.
Beth handed him a coffee. “Black, two sugars.” Greg winked, and Beth blushed. He enjoyed making her blush, but he needed to keep this as a business arrangement. A strange whirring sound came from down the hallway.
“That will be my washing machine not coping with repeated loads of nappies. I swear, it’s on its last legs.” Beth walked away to go see to the noisy machine.
Greg peeked around as he sipped his coffee. The house was small and the furniture had seen better days, but it was clean and tidy. He liked it. Years of keeping your cell just so had made him annoyed with mess. He didn’t let the other roommates where he lived anywhere near his room. He didn’t like people touching him, or his things.
Sara coughed. Greg glanced across and could see from her tightened lips she wasn’t happy. What now?
“I’m not going to beat around the bush with you. You were good on the night Josh was born, but don’t think you can swan in here now and mess up Beth’s life even more, just because you want to be around him.”
Greg didn’t have time to react before Beth walked back in. She took Josh from Sara and sat down. She undid her blouse and started breastfeeding. He sat there staring into his coffee and tried to blend into the background while they talked about Beth’s shop. Sara got up, washed her mug out, and grabbed her bag.
“You’re sure you’ll be all right if I go?”
Greg noticed her glance his way, but it was beyond him what she actually thought he would do. He wouldn’t hurt Beth or Josh. In fact, if anyone tried to hurt them he would make them pay. He would go back inside to protect them.
“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry. I’ll sort something out with the shop.”
“Don’t get up, I can show myself out.” Sara kissed the top of Beth’s head and gave him one last grumpy glance as she headed for the door.
He watched as Beth changed Josh to the other breast.
“You know, it’s a bit disconcerting, you staring at me like that when I’m flashing my boobs.”
“Sorry.” Greg stared at the floor.
“He’s a hungry baby. The nurse said he put on a kilo in the past three weeks.”
Greg felt proud, which was foolish, as he had nothing to do with it. He glanced up again. Her breasts were bigger, though still as beautiful as he remembered them. Looking at them that night, they had been a blessing to a starved man. He shouldn’t be thinking this, what kind of guy was he to be peering at her while she fed his kid?
“I’ve a copy of the birth certificate for you. His second name is Gregory. It’s on the table in the dining room if you want to have a look. I’ll get your copy.”
Greg walked across and picked up the piece of paper, the final proof. His kid’s name: Joshua Gregory Miller. It would have been good if the last name was Barnes, but Greg had no intention of tying himself down to marriage no matter what the inducements. What kind of dad would he make? He wanted to be part of Josh’s life, but as soon as she found out about his past, Beth would take out a restraining order against him.
Beth placed Josh against her shoulder and gently rubbed his back. He burped, a surprisingly loud noise for such a small thing, and Greg smiled.
“Now I know he’s mine,” Greg chuckled.
“Did you ever doubt that?” Beth appeared saddened at his comment.
“No, I didn’t mean...” Greg ran his hands through his hair. Shit, he was going to have to be careful what he said.
“It’s okay, I know you didn’t. Look, I’m just hormones, tears one minute and happiness the next, so ignore me. Do you want to change him?” she said, as she stood up.
“I’d like that, if you’ll show me how.”
He followed her to her bedroom, which was crowded with a cot in one corner and a change table next to it. Josh was small but perfect in every way. Beth patiently showed Greg what to do, cleaning and powdering, then replacing Josh’s nappy. Greg’s hands were way too big for the job, and Beth giggled at his attempt. This was too cozy by half, and too tempting to a man like him.
“Make sure you support his head as you pick him up.”
Greg’s hands were big and rough on the baby, but Josh never whimpered. He was tough like his old man, but Greg would make sure if he could Josh would never need to be that tough. Greg sat on the end of the bed with Josh in his arms and Beth sat next to him.
“He looks like you––I’m glad he didn’t get my red hair. My skin burns so easily. I have to plaster myself in sunscreen in summer. My other kids have their father’s olive skin and tan easily. Must be my Irish heritage.”
She was talking fast and he reckoned he was making her nervous. He didn’t want to. She was right, though: Josh did look like him. This kid might have been a mistake, but it was one he was glad he had made.
Greg glanced around her room. On the dressing table was a wedding photo of a young Beth with a dark-haired man. He assumed it had to be Jeff.
Someone might as well have chucked a bucket of iced water on him. What the hell was he doing in this man’s house? Sitting on his bed with his widow.
His life didn’t include happy families. People didn’t talk about what his life included. It was one of those subjects that made them feel uncomfortable. Greg couldn’t see how he would fit in, but in the last three weeks he had worked out that he didn’t want to give up Josh, and holding him again reinforced the concept.
Beth went and picked up the photo frame.
“I was eighteen and we had an unplanned pregnancy. Seems to be a repeating pattern, doesn’t it. You think I’d learn. We were high school sweethearts and going to marry anyway. It just all happened sooner than we thought.” Beth sighed as she put the picture back.
Josh squirmed in Greg’s arms. Life had been crap up until now. For once, just maybe he could make a difference. A good difference in people lives, despite what Sara might think.
“Beth, I want to be part of his life. I was listening to what you said to Sara about the shop. I only have another week’s work booked here, then some time off till the next house is ready to start work on. Maybe I could look after him till your parents get back.” There was uncertainty in her eyes as she frowned, and he couldn’t blame her.
“I know you’re his dad, Greg, but I don’t know you. I’ve my other kids to think of, and you’re a stranger coming into our home.”
Greg peered down at Josh. He didn’t tell people stuff, but he wanted this kid.
“It’s a fair point. I’m thirty-three years old. I’ve one sister who lives in Tanunda, up around Gawler. She’s married, two kids. I grew up in the country. My Mum, she lives in Unley, she’s a Councilor no less. We don’t talk. Dad died twelve years ago. I’m a carpenter and you know my living arrangements. I’ve never been married, and as far as I know Josh is my only kid.” Greg took Josh’s finger in his hand and waved it about. Was that going to be enough to satisfy Beth? He sure as hell didn’t want to say any more.
“I didn’t mean it like that. I wasn’t expecting you to tell me stuff. Okay, I’m thirty-five and have two brothers. One is married with two kids in Victoria. The other is working at Roxby Downs, making lots of money down the mines. Mum and Dad are alive and off to join the gray army going around Australia. I’ve three kids. Josh obviously, Keri who’s sixteen, and David who’s twelve. I run the local florist shop and apart from Jeff, you’re the only other man I have slept with, or to put it bluntly, had sex with.” She took a deep breath and stared at Josh.
Greg smiled, knowing he was the only other man she had slept with. He had no right to smile. If she was going to give herself to another man after Jeff, he was absolutely sure he wouldn’t have been Jeff’s choice. She bent down and kissed Josh. Her hands were shaking. The only calm one out of the three of them here was blowing bubbles. Greg realized he couldn’t walk away from this.
“Will you let me help?” The longer she took to answer, the more he was certain she would say no. There was a lump in his throat that would not go away no matter how much he swallowed. His world seemed to stop while he waited for her to speak.
“I’ve thought about this, and my answer is yes. Josh is your son and I think it’s great you want to be part of his life––and God knows, I need all the help I can get. I didn’t expect to see you again, and I had sorted my life out accordingly, but it doesn’t mean I’m not glad that things turned out differently. I’m rambling again, aren’t I?”
“Yes, I’ve noticed it on occasions before.” Damn, this was not the time to bring that night up. He couldn’t mess this up.
“You can look after him for a day or so as a trial, but you come here. I’m not having Josh going to a bachelor house, and I need to talk to my kids first.”
“Fair enough. Look, anything you want is fine with me. I want you, and Josh, and your kids to be safe and happy with me being around. Will you let me know about money? I’d like to pay my share.”
“If you look after Josh, you won’t be earning.”
“Money isn’t a problem. I want things to be right by you and your family. If I can make life good for you, that’s good for Josh––but I don’t want to upset your other kids.”
Beth bit her thumbnail. Shit, he didn’t want to cause her worry. He should go. Who the hell did he think he was, having any right being here?
“I talked to Keri and David, and they know you were at the delivery. I think Keri might shoot you with a poison dart, and David won’t come off the computer long enough to talk about it. They’ve said they think it’s okay if you see Josh once in a while.”
She glanced away and back again as if she were hesitating about what to say next.
“From where I stand, I want it to be clear any money or help just gives you access to Josh. This is hard enough for my kids to understand without us becoming ––oh heck, now I feel awkward, I’m sorry.”
It was probably for the best. He believed in one-night stands for a good reason. All that didn’t matter now, because baby Josh was asleep in his arms. Greg stood and placed him down in the cot. Turning around, he bumped into Beth. She jumped, but didn’t move away. His hands came up and felt so comfortable wrapped around her waist. He should say something, but all he wanted to do was kiss her. She was so close: those lips, that mouth. Damn it, he could feel himself getting hard. She would feel it too. Those eyes, there was too much need there. They both wanted too much and it brought him back to reality, but she was the first to pull away.
“I’m sorry––I’m a bit twitchy at the moment. No sleep does that to you,” Beth blurted. “Come down to the kitchen, and we’ll work something out.” Greg looked back at Josh. He was reluctant to leave. When she had bumped into him, he was instantly aware how she good she smelt. Good enough to wrap his arms around and forget about the rest of the world. He had made her forget her world once before, and now he had Josh because of it. He wouldn’t let her down.
Beth watched from the front steps as Greg drove his pick-up down the road, and Keri and David walked up the street. As soon as her son was in the front door, David threw down his bag and headed for the computer in the family room. Keri walked in the kitchen as Beth put on the kettle.
“Coffee?”
“Yeah, sure––was that him?”
“Yes. That was Josh’s father, Greg.”
“He looked pretty hot, Mum. I’m impressed. Now he’s seen Josh, he’s not coming back, is he?” Keri stood with her arms folded, ready for an argument. Beth explained what was going to happen. Keri exploded and stormed off to her room. David came in with his usual ‘whatever’, which was his comment to avoid any discussion. They had held it together as a family so well since Jeff’s death. Josh was automatically invited into the group, but where did Greg fit in? She knew it wasn’t fair on the kids, but she wanted him to fit in somehow.
She had no illusions of love. It had just been a night of sex and Josh didn’t change that fact. What annoyed her was the way she’d reacted earlier. She could have jumped on him on the bed right there and then. She didn’t fool herself. The night of sex with him had brought Josh, a flabby abdomen, sore boobs and bags under her eyes. He wouldn’t be giving her a second glance. She wasn’t sure why she cared what he thought, but she did.
