Addison and I raced to the bedroom as fast as we could without stomping on the stairs. When we stepped inside, he picked me up and placed me carefully on the bed. “There. Now it’s the best room in the house.”
“Should we check on Joshua and Hannah?”
A cloud passed over his face, briefly. “I’m sure they’re asleep.”
“But we can just tap on the door. Really lightly.”
Addison stretched out across the bed and wrapped his hands around my waist. “Do you want to spend another half hour talking to the rest of the people in this house? Because I don’t want to use up a single minute. There’s a lot I want to do, but hearing about the problems of Hannah’s traumatic past or Joshua’s brilliant solutions to them isn’t one of them.”
I guessed that meant sex trumped crazy cult leader. Good to know. Except. “I don’t want to have sex tonight.” I blurted it out, shut my eyes, and waited for Addison to write me off.
“With me? Should I send Wes up here?” Addison dead-panned. When I opened my eyes, he was smiling up at the ceiling.
I sat up. “You don’t mind?”
“A little. You’d probably mind if I didn’t mind at all, right?” Right. I nodded. Exhaled. “I don’t want to sound sinister or anything. We’ve had enough premonitions tonight — I get that. But I have this strong feeling….” He tapped his index finger on his own chest. “It’s rooted, you know?” I didn’t know. I waited for Addison to explain. He turned then and looked right at me. “I believe that you and I have plenty of time, Greer.” He kissed me then and pulled back to add, “And I’m really happy about that.”
“Me too,” I said, wrapping my arms and legs around him.
“Are you going to torment me all night?”
“Yup.”
Addison slipped one hand under my shirt and trailed it along the waistband of my jeans. “All right. But then I get to torment you too.”
Addison taught me that there didn’t have to be an either/or. We could lie in bed laughing, but that didn’t mean our feelings weren’t serious. He made my heart race with giddy happiness, but I also felt settled into this serene and simple joy.
That night, in the big iron bed, I told him, “You’re such a giant. You make me feel dainty.”
“What the heck does that mean?”
“That’s a good thing.”
“It doesn’t sound particularly empowered.”
I leveled my gaze to him. “You do empower me. I mean it. I’ve learned so much since we met. About you and relationships and myself. Mostly it’s from this — us figuring stuff out together. Learning. Three months ago, I was so screwed up, Add. And I’m still not perfect. But I’m better because of you.”
He cradled me close to him. “I think that you’re a little bit perfect.” He kissed my forehead, my nose, my lips. “But I would also request that you should show me exactly how empowered you are.” I giggled and the sound seemed to bounce off the walls.
We kept laughing. And we kept learning. “I want my hands to memorize you,” he said.
We made our way to sleep like that, and it was just right. No rush and no doubts.
We weren’t the only ones who’d had an eventful night. At breakfast, it was clear something had happened between Sophie and Jared. They refused to look at each other. Instead Sophie smiled at her plate of eggs and Jared grinned stupidly at Joshua.
Joshua seemed normal. He didn’t stride down the stairs with Hannah’s severed head or anything. She came down for breakfast a little bit after everyone else got going, but I figured she just wanted to jump in the shower before we all started fighting over the hot water. Addison was superclingy, playing grab-ass the whole time I cooked up omelets. That earned some raised eyebrows and elbows from Wes and Jared, but that wasn’t anything new.
Once Hannah came down and we all settled around the table, Joshua asked me to say grace. “I’ve never said grace for breakfast,” I protested.
“That’s a shame, then. You’ve never thanked a day for its possibility.”
Addison winked at me as we all bowed our heads. “Thank you for the sunrise and for the sunset. And for all the moments we’ll share today in between.” I moved to let go of Addison’s and Joshua’s hands, but Joshua held on. That meant I needed to keep talking. “We’re grateful for the chance to spend time together and to share our lives with honesty and openness.” Another squeeze. “Um … in order to achieve self-acceptance and wisdom.”
Then Joshua finally let me drop hands. “Another talent is revealed. She can do it all, can’t she, Addison?”
Wes pretended to choke on his eggs. “What all can she do, Add?”
Joshua took a bite of breakfast and said, “Hmmm. That’s what I’m talking about. Hell of a cook too. Have I told you yet today — Elizabeth is the perfect woman. You’d be a fool to ever fuck this up.”
“You hadn’t mentioned it yet, but it’s only eight thirty.” Addison yawned.
“Well, consider it said.” Joshua reached over and squeezed my wrist. “I tell him every day. How often do I tell you that?”
“Every day,” Addison repeated dutifully.
“He listens to me,” Joshua confided. “But it probably wouldn’t matter. He’s too smart not to notice for himself.” He dropped his voice. “Did he give you the night you deserved?”
I felt myself blush and shrank closer to Addison. “She’s not raving about you, brother,” Joshua said. I kneed Addison. Make him stop. Make him stop. But Addison didn’t speak up. He stood and asked Joshua, “You want more breakfast?”
Joshua raised his plate. “Yessir, brother.”
“Then you have to be nice. You need to be respectful.”
“I apologize, Greer. I was not aware you were such a delicate flower. What other delicate flowers we got growing in this sunlight?” Joshua studied each of us carefully. “Sophia, how was your first night back under this roof?”
Sophie considered her words carefully. “A little tough, Joshua. Thank you for asking. But it helped to be surrounded by friends.”
We all paused and sat in silence until Wes cracked, “I’ll bet you were surrounded.”
She laughed at him. “What does that even mean? At least make sure the innuendo makes sense.”
“What are we doing today?” I started stacking plates.
“The gentlemen will clean up,” Joshua said. “Do we have the big jug of oil?”
“We do,” I said, hoping Joshua wouldn’t make me drink it to prove I wasn’t afraid to eat fats.
“We’ll sit on the porch, then. We’ll need a basin of warm water and some towels.”
Sophie said, “Sure thing. What’s up?”
But Joshua wouldn’t tell us until we were out on the deck. That’s when he ordered me to wash his feet.
“Hannah’s going to stay beside me until it’s time to dry off my legs with the towel.” Joshua sat on a deck chair and rolled his pants up to his knees. I noticed ridiculous things — his leg hair was pretty sparse; it looked like he’d recently trimmed his toenails. Sophie knelt in front of me to set down the plastic tub. “It that warm water? I don’t want to be scalded now.” Joshua actually looked fearful.
And Sophie looked absolutely flabbergasted. “It’s warm. I didn’t want to freeze you out either.”
“Do you know how mothers check their babies’ bathwater?” Joshua asked Sophie, and then when she didn’t respond, he said, “Elizabeth?”
“I don’t know.” I’d never bathed a baby.
“Dip your elbow in. Or the inside of your wrist. Roll up your sleeve. Is it too hot?”
I shook my head no.
“Well, then it’s safe to put someone else in there. How old are you both — seventeen, sixteen? No one’s taught you this? What do you do when you babysit?”
It didn’t seem like the best time to remind Joshua that none of us had been considered trustworthy enough to care for small children. He set his feet in the tub and splayed his toes. “Did you bring out a cloth or a sponge?”
Sophie dunked the washcloth and soaped it up. I crouched down with her and poured more warm water from the pitcher into the basin over his toes. I wanted to giggle and also to retch at the same time. Feet disgust me, for one thing. But the whole scene felt creepy. Joshua must have noticed my discomfort. He told us, “My feet are actually quite clean. This is more symbolic than any kind of actual hygienic exercise.” I noticed he was holding Hannah’s hand. “Washing a leader’s feet signals deep love and respect.” Joshua leaned back and closed his eyes. “When you wash the feet, you support the journey — do you hear what I am saying?” None of us answered. The steam made wisps of my hair stick to my face. Joshua kept shifting and we’d filled the tub too high, so the water kept splashing. “Hannah?” His voice emerged forcefully.
“We hear you, Joshua,” she said. I glanced up and saw adoration stamped on her face. Part of me felt relieved. She’d previously reserved that look for Addison. But then the ick factor sunk in.
Joshua stretched and perched the soles of his feet on the edges of the basin. He nodded to Hannah to dry them and she knelt to do so. Sophie and I sat back and listened to Joshua tell us, “In the Gospel of John, we learn that Mary of Bethany washed the feet of Jesus and dried them with her hair. And Luke tells of a woman who was a sinner of Nain who bathed his feet in her tears. By sinner, Luke most likely means ‘prostitute.’” Sophie bit her lip. “Of course I don’t mean to imply that any of you ladies are prostitutes.” Joshua paused to think. “Although you’d have to admit you’ve all acted with serious disregard of the precious gift of your bodies.”
“Joshua, I don’t get that.” It came out before I had the chance to rein myself back in. Joshua looked pleased at least to have inspired a reaction. “You talk about sex stuff with Addison and me a lot. You obviously support a physical relationship between us. You assigned us to sleep in a room together. Maybe I’m wrong, but I read into that.”
“You shouldn’t read into things.”
“If I didn’t, you’d accuse me of being too literal.”
“Of course I support a sex life between you and Addison.” I blushed. How very badass of me. “You love each other.” I nodded, awash in the glow of hearing someone else acknowledge that Addison loved me. “That differs from the open-for-business sign you hung above your twat before you met him.” It felt like he’d slapped me. He looked to Hannah and Sophie. “Am I wrong?” I waited for them to say yes. Or even just gross. But Hannah kept perfectly still. Sophie said, “It’s made me happy to watch the two of them fall for each other because it seems so rare and special.” A very diplomatic dodge.
Joshua went on as if nothing happened. “According to the ritual, once the feet are washed, they must be rubbed with oil.”
“That’s what the Wesson is for?” I would have laughed if I wasn’t choking down my own vomit.
“Do you feel that touching my feet is beneath you?”
“Joshua, it’s vegetable oil — you really want that on your feet? Couldn’t it cause an infection?” Maybe there was a hospital staff, orderlies on some psych ward, searching all over the place for their escaped patient. And I was in the mountains of Pennsylvania, greasing up his toes.
“Myrrh would be difficult to locate at the Stop & Shop.”
“Well, that’s practical.” I held out my hands and Sophie opened the jug of vegetable oil. She tipped it to spill over my hands. The rest of it pooled in the basin, forming a slick puddle on the surface of the water. When my hands looked glossy, I took a deep breath and then started rubbing Joshua’s feet. I made sure to work oil into the crevices on his heels. I kept my face still and blandly pleasant.
“Thank you, Elizabeth, for treating a ritual that holds importance for me with respect. Why would John tell us that the whore washed the feet of Christ?”
Sophie cocked her head. “Well, John didn’t say that. You said Luke did. According to John, it was the sister of Lazarus.”
“Tell Hannah who Lazarus was.”
“Lazarus was one of Jesus Christ’s first miracles. Jesus raised him from the dead.”
Hannah asked innocently, “So maybe Sophie should do it?”
I sucked in my breath a little and said, “It’s okay. Out of the three of us, I bet I’ve come closest to Luke’s lady.”
Sophie had heard, though. She could have nailed down Hannah with her glare. “Because that’s going to be our afternoon activity. Joshua’s going to resurrect Nick? Maybe then we’ll all play a game of Scrabble?”
“I meant metaphorically. He’s already got you thinking about your brother more.”
“Hannah —” I tried to position myself between the two of them, in case Sophie decided it would be easier to just choke her to death right there.
“He’s got me talking about Nick more. There hasn’t been a moment when I’ve forgotten about my brother.”
“Okay.” Hannah didn’t sound convinced. She also didn’t seem to understand how close she was to being drowned in vegetable oil.
“Seriously. That’s a really crappy thing to even imply.”
“I wasn’t implying anything. Perhaps I drew the wrong conclusion.”
“Hey.” I’d had enough of the squabbling. “None of us are actually biblical figures. That would be helpful to remember, right?” I looked up to Joshua, to see if my message had sunk in. I didn’t need a savior. He needed to understand that. Joshua had tipped his face to the sky. He looked like he was soaking up the bright sun and enjoying the foot rub. He also seemed to relish watching us turn on one another.
I patted his feet and squeezed the pads of his two big toes. “That’s it, little piggies.”
“Don’t belittle yourself, Greer.” Sometimes I wished the twelve steps included a line about maintaining a sense of humor. “Sophia should clean the basin.”
“Thank you, sir,” Sophie snarked.
“Did you know who also knelt down to wash feet, according to the Gospel?”
I was ready to place a bet on Cain. We looked up to Joshua and waited for him to tell us. “Jesus Christ himself washed the feet of the apostles at the Last Supper.” Joshua looked meaningfully at us.
“That’s okay. We’re good.”
“Part of following sometimes means accepting the gift of wisdom in all its forms.” Hannah nodded solemnly.
“I don’t mean to be contrary —” I began.
“You do,” Joshua interrupted.
“I don’t.” I paused and waited for him to stop me. “But yesterday we talked about how important your Jewish faith was to you, right?”
“I said I was angry that you had made assumptions about me.”
“Right, and I’m sorry for that. It’s just — a lot of this …” I pointed at the basin, his feet glistening on the towel. “Well, it’s rooted in Christian tradition, right? So doesn’t that interfere with your beliefs?”
“I appreciate that question. That is an Elizabeth question.” Joshua’s voice boomed his approval. “That’s the kind of holy questioning I’m talking about.” Joshua smiled at me. I waited for his answer. “You know why.”
“I don’t.”
“Try. Think critically.”
“Well, those beliefs might overlap.”
“Because?”
“Don’t you want to provide the big, revelatory moment? I don’t want to rob you of that.”
He grinned at me. “Jesus was a Jew.”
“Right.”
“And the world underestimated him. Misunderstood him. His followers were not plenty. And some of them even joined him from the far outskirts of their society. But they were loyal and faithful. He told them the meek would inherit the earth.” Joshua gazed up at Hannah. “And I believe that is true.”
“But you’re not comparing —” Sophie started stammering and rubbed her face with her hands. “I mean, that’s just —”
“Arrogant? Impudent?”
“Well, yeah. I think it’s that. I’m sorry. But you’ve asked us to speak honestly.”
“I recognize that. Your reaction is not surprising. It’s just more typical than I’d expect from you. Because, Sophia, I view you as an extraordinary young woman. Greer is smart and strong. She carries the gift. And Hannah is resilient. But you are our visionary. I wish you would understand. I’m not claiming to be God any more than I claimed I could resurrect Nicholas.” Sophie winced at her brother’s name.
Silently I willed her to just let it go. We weren’t going to win at this. And at least if we nodded, we could go inside and maybe watch a movie, snuggled against two lovely specimens of young men who were clearly and maybe miraculously interested in us. That was a remnant from our old lives that I intended to enjoy this weekend.
Sophie met me halfway. “I’ll think on that,” she told Joshua.
His smile broke across his face and he said, “That’s excellent, then. That’s all I ask.” Sophie dumped the warm, soapy water out onto the dirt and we paraded back inside, Joshua carrying his beat-up sneakers in his hand.
The boys sat around the dining room table, playing poker. So they got card games and we got to bathe the master’s feet. Addison looked up. “Everything okay?”
“Peachy.” The boys had already broken out a box of brownies I’d picked up at the store the day before. “What’s with the sugar rush before ten in the morning?”
Wes dealt a new hand. “Second breakfast.”
“You guys amaze me.” Sometimes I watched Add eat and wondered what it might feel like to eat like a guy. Whatever tasted good. No worries. Sometimes, at the dining hall, I had seen him throw out a whole half of his sandwich. Not to prove some point about how little he could eat. He felt full. No more sandwich. The wonder of it being a nonissue killed me.
Not all guys ate like that. I knew that. Jared made a lot of jokes about his fat ass, for one. He wore jeans he probably had to lie down to zip and usually chose salads at lunch. But Wes, Addison, Joshua — they all ate thoughtlessly. I wondered what I’d fill my brain with if I hadn’t packed it up with hundreds of thoughts about food and fat all day. Poker, I guess. Probably porn.
Wes dropped his voice so only I could hear. “I’m sorry. Were the brownies reserved for anything?” I couldn’t help smiling. “What?” he asked. “What’s funny?”
“You’re so careful to make sure the whole room doesn’t know you actually care about people. God forbid anyone know you’re not a complete dick.”
He muttered, “I don’t want to ruin it for Joshua. He needs a villain, right?”
“He needs a Judas.” I said it under my breath. “We were washing his feet.”
“Whose feet? What?”
“Joshua called it a ritual. We went outside and washed his feet and then rubbed oil on them.” The whole time we talked, I watched Addison out of the corner of my eye. He was laughing about gambling crap with Joshua.
“Are you for real? You realize we’re now treading the edge of true insanity?”
“How come you’re playing poker?” It had just occurred to me. I hadn’t meant to ambush him.
But Wes’s eyes slid away from me.
I tried to tease it out of him. “What’s happened to the Gambling Anonymous poster boy?”
That backfired. “Listen. If it’s not something that anyone takes seriously, then it’s not something I feel the need to answer for.”
“Wait —”
But he held up his hand. “Stop.” He spoke the rest over his back as he sauntered into the living room. We’d been talking so quietly, but Wes meant for the others to hear his parting shot. “I’m sorry you had such an awful morning. We just sat back and relaxed a little. I didn’t win too much bank from your broke-ass man.”
“Hey, now!” Jared spoke up and Joshua’s head whipped toward me. I plastered an I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-just-happened look on my face and shrugged my shoulders. “What’s up, Wes?” Jared wrapped one arm around him.
“I’m sick of all the sanctimonious bullshit — that’s what’s up. Who suggested the poker game, Jared? Why don’t you clue Greer in? Who pulled out the cards?”
“I don’t remember. You know, I’m sorry I wasn’t thinking in terms of gambling stuff, you know. It was just us guys playing.”
“To you, it’s just guys playing,” Joshua said sagely. “To an addict, it’s a step off a steep cliff.”
“Let’s get one thing straight — there’s no cliff,” Wes said. “It’s a bad habit. I’m not worried about falling into it again. I go to meetings and I talk the talk to try to make up to my parents because they’re good people and I blew through my college fund.”
Most of us just stood there, watching Wes unravel. Joshua said, “That is your burden.”
“Yeah, you knew that was my burden. Because Addison knew that. Who brought the cards out, Jared? Do you remember yet?”
“We were just playing for Cheerios, for Christ’s sake —”
“Who brought out the cards?”
“Addison.” Jared said it and then glanced over to Add, an apology in his eyes.
Wes faced me. “So, yeah, don’t ask me about it with that self-righteous look. Okay?” But his anger was quickly fading. He looked more embarrassed.
“Okay. I’m really sorry.”
And I meant it. He mumbled, “Going for a walk.” When he slammed the door on his way out, I felt bereft, as if I’d lost the one other person in the cabin who was asking the questions I was thinking in my head.
The silence in the room seemed to stretch on. Addison turned toward the fridge to grab the carton of milk. “What the hell was that all about?”
“He doesn’t feel supported by us,” I said. “Maybe he has a point. I mean, how would you feel if Wes brought up a keg in the van with us?”
“It’s not the same thing.”
“It kind of is, though.”
Addison poured a glass of milk and downed the whole thing before he deigned to answer me. I watched him wipe the pale, little mustache off his face. “I’m sorry.” Except he didn’t sound sorry. “I had no idea you were so concerned with Wes’s struggle to stop gambling. I’ll try to be more vigilant to make sure he doesn’t blackjack himself to death.”
“I don’t get this — this hostility. You wanted me to buy in. I’m here. I’m in.” We’d dropped our voices but I still had the idea that the whole room was watching. We were entertaining certain people in particular. When Joshua headed toward us, I inwardly groaned, but he turned out to be the only one able to talk sense into Addison.
“Brother, don’t mistake feeling guilty with feeling attacked. You messed up. Sometimes we treat others’ burdens carelessly. Don’t compound that by pushing Greer away. She’s trying to lead you to goodness.”
I heard Addison say, “I don’t need —”
Joshua stopped him. “Brother.” He spoke deliberately. “She is leading you —”
“Okay. Okay. I’m sorry.” Joshua held his eyes. Addison turned to me and repeated, “I am sorry. I overreacted.”
“It’s okay.” I stepped into his open arms and buried my face in his chest, trying to shake loose the glacier look in his eyes, his dead tone. He smelled good. Woodsy, like smoke and pine, and I tried to focus on that instead of the sinking feeling spreading across my chest.
Addison gently separated himself from me. “I need to go find him and try to make things right.”
I watched him go and stood there in the kitchen, feeling helpless. Everything was falling apart. “Anyone want lunch?” I asked brightly.
Hannah lifted up her eyes from her book. “It’s too early.” I resisted the urge to hurl a wooden spoon at her. Sophie and Jared had snuck off, probably to have the kind of morning I had hoped for me and Addison.
When Addison and Wes came in, they did so joking and laughing. Addison made a huge production of kneeling in front of me. “I’m sorry.”
“I know. You said that.”
He laughed. “But this time I mean it. Should I beg for forgiveness?”
“No. It was over the first time you apologized. Whether you meant it or not.” I felt Wes’s eyes on me and smiled. “So everything’s okay now?”
“It’s all good,” he said. Nothing more earth-shattering. I nodded and looked sideways in time to catch Joshua watching me holding eye contact with Wes. I looked at my feet for a while then. “So what’s the word? Have Jared and Sophie eloped yet?” Wes asked. I heard the leather recliner squeak as he leaned back.
“How about we have some shut-up sandwiches for lunch, ladies and gentlemen?” Jared called out from the kids’ room. “Stop talking smack and start making some hoagies.”
I giggled and sighed. “Back to the kitchen.”
Addison laughed. “That’s right, woman.” But when I sent him a withering look, he tacked on, “I’ll help out.”
Sophie followed Jared in, with three or four DVDs in her hand. “Can we have a film viewing after a belly filling? We have an assortment. Sappy rom com? Political thriller? Prom night slasher?”
“Rom com,” Wes called out and we all gaped at him. “Don’t judge — I’m a sensitive guy.”
I set out a bunch of bread and lunch meat and cheese and mayo and mustard and we crowded into the kitchen, building sandwiches. I looked over at one point to see Jared feeding Sophie a pickle. Addison wriggled his eyebrows at me, and I laughed and shook my head at him. Let them be. Let us all be. No one gave me any crap for rolling up turkey and cheese and not eating it on bread. It felt good. It felt like family again.
Except my mom would never have let us eat in the living room. Addison’s mom might have been sitting and looking out the window, waiting for his dad to pull into the drive. Sophie’s parents would have been too focused on Josie the Genius. I don’t know for sure about the others. But I can’t imagine family movie time was a barrel of laughs in any of their original addresses. Otherwise they would still be there.
We tumbled onto the sofa and the easy chairs. Some of us even sank into laps and settled in to watch a movie together. At that moment, I believed Joshua when he said he could create love and safety out of the air. That’s what it felt like. Like we had created our own version of family ourselves.