Chapter Fifteen

 

The Mind Machine

 

Somehow Terry Hardwick had appeared in the middle of the chase. Driving Bernard’s car, he suddenly appeared out of the darkness and stopped to collect Hammy.

He opened the car door and shouted, “You’d better get in, quick, mate.”

Hiram looked round. The crowd of followers were closing in – time was getting short. He pulled out his revolver and waved it at Terry. “I’ll drive,” he yelled excitedly.

Hardwick quickly ran to the other side of the vehicle and Hammy jumped in behind the wheel. He slipped it into gear and floored the accelerator. Quickly the car sped off towards the people chasing him. Realizing the danger, they cleared the way and he drove through their numbers. One of them fired a shotgun at the speeding car, breaking one of the side windows.

Hammy drove with the revolver in his right hand. “What the hell are you doing here, Hardwick? Are you following me about?”

“Not really, me old cock. But we do seem to ‘ave a ‘abit of bumping into eachuver. Fings ‘ave a ‘abit of getting lively around you.”

In only a few moments Hiram saw Bernard on the side of the road. With a squeal of tyres the car noisily slid to a halt. Bernard realized that someone was in the front passenger seat. He opened the rear door and climbed in, mumbling to himself. Even before he was seated Hammy floored the throttle again and the car shot off towards Edinburgh.

“I’ll take the road to Coldingham Bay,” Hammy said.

“Great,” Hardwick agreed. “That’s where me jam jar is.”

“What is he doing here?” Bernard asked. “Who broke my window?”

“Sorry about your window, Bernie, but they were shooting at us. The natives are getting restless.”

Noisily and with a little side-slip the car rushed round the next corner and began speeding towards Coldingham Bay.

“There’s no need to get us all killed,” Hardwick said.

Hammy looked at him. “Where did you get that PXI?”

“PXI?”

“Your bloody silly-looking hat, man.”

“Oh,” laughed Terry. “I was one of the geezers after you, when I found this car. It don’t take no super brain to figure out ‘oose it was. Then I found this fing on the seat. I’d seen it before when I was at the old geezer’s ‘ouse. So I switched it on and puts it on me ‘ead.”

Hammy scoffed, “Just like that?”

“Just like that,” Terry repeated.

“I don’t know whether to shoot you now and dump the body or take you a few kilometres and dump the body,” Hiram said in full seriousness.

“I’m on your side, aren’t I,” Hardwick said in a whining tone of voice. “I found your jam jar and I reckon I know where your bird is.”

“I do wish you would talk the Queen’s English,” Hiram grouched. “I can’t understand a bloody word.”

Bernard interpreted. “He says he’s found the girl and your car.”

Hammy slammed on the brakes and the car slithered to a noisy halt. With a click the overhead light came on. “Talk, you shit-head, talk,” he said, waving the revolver menacingly.

“That’s my gun, cock,” Terry said calmly. “I wondered what ‘appened to it.”

“I don’t give a toss. Now talk before I use it and blow you stupid head off.” Hiram was very angry.

“As I said, I’ve found your jam jar and the bird. Ain’t that what you ‘ired me for?”

“Where are they?”

“The jam jar’s in ‘ock at York. The bird is dead.” He spoke slowly, watching Hammy’s reactions carefully.

Hiram jabbed the revolver to the man’s throat. “I’m going to pull this trigger and make an awful mess in this nice clean car if you don’t get the rag out and talk fast. This time make sense.”

“I told you,” Terry said. “I’m on your side. The jam jar’s in the police yard at York. It turned up lost, didn’t it.”

“What about Barbara?”

“She’s in the ‘ouse. The manor ‘ouse. That’s where ‘e takes all ‘is victims.”

Hammy shook his head, “No, no. I have been in the house and I didn’t see any victims.”

“Well, that’s where she is, cock.”

“I don’t like you or trust you, Hardwick. You have a lot to answer for,” Hiram said, waving the gun at him. “You’d better start talking sense before I lose my temper and do something we’ll both regret.”

“What you want me to say?”

“Why were you at Willoden’s house?”

“I fort ‘e ‘ad somefin’ to do wiv this mess. ‘Is name is in that church where all that crap spews up out of the ground. I was gonna get the troof art of ‘im. Didn’t expect to get bashed, did I. But somebody tried to smash me ‘ead in, didn’t they? Then I finds meself all tied up, no bloody way art of it. Willoden let me go cos ‘e thought I was a innocent bystander. ‘Sides that, the master forced ‘im to leave me alone. That’s why I’m ‘ere. I’m ‘unting for you.”

“So why are you up here in Scotland?” Hammy asked.

“As I said, cos I am s’posed to be lookin’ f’you. The ‘ole bloody village is lookin’ f’yah. The master wants you topped, like PDQ. You’s causin’ too much bover.”

Hammy sat thoughtful for a few seconds. He couldn’t make up his mind whether to believe this man or not.

“So how come you were on the common looking for me and Bernard, when your car is at Coldingham Bay, that doesn’t add up?”

“I went to see that geezer Willox. I reckon ‘e knows a lot more than ‘e tells. So I went there cos I fort I’d give ‘im the once-over, like. But as I parked the old ‘eap, ‘e comes art wiv a blunderbuss in ‘is ‘ands. Then the local rozzers waltz in. Now they recognize me froo the master, don’t they! The beadle tells me to get in by ‘is trouble an’ strife an’ they drives off.”

“Can you understand what he is saying, Bernard?” Hiram asked, exasperated by the doubletalk.

“Yes, sort of.”

“Does it make any sense?”

“Yes, I suppose it does.”

“Well,” Hammy said, “as you speak his language, you talk to him and let me know the result.”

“Where did the policeman take you, Mr Hardwick?” Bernard said.

“Well, he drove us to the common. That’s where this big man’unt is on. I takes part cos I don’t ‘ave no choice, do I. The master puts the pressure on, see. Then I finds this jam jar an’ what does I see on the back seat but one o’ them fings you ‘ave on your ‘ead. So I starts it and pops it on me nut. Gawd blimey, the ‘ole bleedin’ world changed. The master stopped ‘owlin’ in me lug’ole an’ there I stands, feelin’ all lost, like.”

“So what did you do then?”

“I realized that I was bein’ used by this fing, see. So I fort I’d go ‘ome. That’s when I sees that geezer on the frog an’ toad, running from them villagers.”

“I don’t believe a word of it,” Hammy said. “We can’t let him keep that PXI and we can’t take it from him, unless –”

“Unless what, Hammy?” Bernard asked.

“Well, I could shoot the bastard. We’ll dump the body at Coldingham Bay and go home. No one can prove we were ever here.”

“I think we should keep him as an ally – three heads are better than two,” Bernard said softly.

“How do you know that Barbara is in that house?” Hiram said, waving the gun in Hardwick’s face.

“Cos I’ve been in contact with the laird. ‘e talks to me in my mind. She’s there or-right, along wiv loads of uvers.”

“Dead or alive?”

“I don’t know, but I know she’s there.”

Hammy exhaled very loudly. “Maybe we should go in there now, with guns blazing.”

“Gun,” Terry corrected.

“Whatever,” Hiram said, rubbing his forehead trying to give birth to an idea. “What do you think, prof?”

“I think we should go home. In my lab there is another experiment that I could rebuild. It may be very useful.”

“Alright, what is it, Bernie?” Hiram said with resignation.

“Well, some time ago I was working on a telepathic theory, when I accidentally discovered the PXI. If I reverse the experiment I think I could get it to listen in on the laird’s wavelength. Maybe even have it work two ways. And that’s Bernard, not Bernie, if you please, Hammy, thank you very much.”

Hammy brightened up. “I knew you would come through, prof. Alright, we’ll take a short excursion to your house. We’ll take this ape with us. If you give me any trouble, Hardwick, I’ll blow you away with your own gun, have you got that straight?”

“Yes, guv.”

“Good,” Hammy said. “Now, you take this gun, prof. I’ll drive. Let’s get the hell out of here before something terrible finds us.”

“What about my jam jar?” Hardwick asked.

“Screw your bloody car,” Hammy snapped. “I’ve lost two already, let’s say you have got one more to go.” With that he put the vehicle into gear and floored the pedal.

A couple of hours later they were well away from the Dunbar area and all of them were very hungry and thirsty. Hiram stopped the car in a lay-by. There, they all removed their headgear and stood looking at each other by the light of the street lamp, waiting to see who was going to be attacked. After some moments Hammy spoke.

“Well, anybody feel anything or hear anything?”

“No.”

“No.”

“Then that’s it,” Hiram said. “Let’s get stuck into the sandwiches and drink from the trunk; lucky we thought of that.”

“Trunk?” Terry quizzed.

“Boot,” interpreted Bernard. “Now I have two companions that cannot speak the Queen’s English.”

The rest of the journey was uneventful. They reached Bernard’s house in the town of March at almost four thirty in the morning. The town seemed totally deserted. Completely unseen, they drove into Bernard’s garage, parked the car and closed the door.

“I don’t think we should stay here too long,” Hiram said. “I am a little nervous of the laird catching up with us. He has, after all, visited this house before.”

“We should take it in turns to sleep in the PXI field in the cellar,” Bernard suggested. “I must work on converting my experiment to transmit and receive. You two get some sleep.”

Hiram looked Terry up and down. “I don’t know if I want to sleep in the same room as this jerk.”

“Please,” Bernard said, “let’s have some form of decorum. We are all in terrible danger. If the laird catches us we’re all for the high jump. Can’t we please work together?”

“Work together, yes. Sleep together, no,” Hiram snapped.

“I don’t like it, eever. I mean oo’s the toerag ‘oo left my jam jar out on the Frog and Toad?”

“Listen,” Hammy shouted. “If you don’t stop that bloody silly talk I swear I’ll beam you again – and this time I’ll knock you permanently into insensibility.”

“Come along, children,” Bernard said sarcastically. “Stop squabbling, we are in enough trouble as it is.”

They retired to the kitchen. Bernard’s fancy tea-maker soon had a healthy-smelling brew going. Terry sat opposite to Hiram.

“A cup of the old Rosy Lee should blow a few cobwebs away,” he said.

“You really only do that to annoy me,” Hiram growled.

“Well,” Terry said, “I’ve got an idea. A kicker.”

“So?”

“What we should do is get a bunch of birds to invade the ‘ouse at Craig.”

Bernard put the tray of tea on the table and sat. “He means get some women to invade Craig Manor.”

“Oh, brilliant,” Hiram snapped. “Why don’t we offer to slaughter a few for him? I’m sure it would save some time preparing his next meal.”

“You don’t plan a’ead, that’s your trouble. You just jump in, you don’t fink it art proper.”

“And you don’t talk sense, you halfwit.”

“If we gets a bunch of birds to invade the ‘ouse, it’ll keep the laird occupied. While ‘e watches the birds, we can move about more freely. We might even find your bird somewhere in that place.”

“You know he speaks good sense,” Bernard said. “Perhaps if there were several young ladies in the house it would cause sufficient distraction for us to end this thing once and for all.”

“Sure,” Hammy said sarcastically. “We’ll put an ad in the local paper: wanted – suicidal broads to feed vampire, please apply at Box 666. Come on, gi’me a break, you guys. Anyhow, we don’t know for sure if he eats them or if he only likes the taste of females.”

“As I said, you don’t fink. I know a group of birds ‘oo would love to ‘ave a go at this caper. I know ‘e can control two or free people at once, but the fing that spouts in the cemetery is what gives ‘im the ability.”

Hammy sat silent for a few moments, just sipping his tea. Thoughts buzzed through his head. “I am tired of driving up and down, up and down. We should get the dynamite, go up there and blow everything up, the house, the village, the church, the mine and the bloody stop-fire thing. I’m tired of farting around, let’s go do someone or thing an injury.”

“Great,” Terry said. “The good old American way, go out in a blaze of glory. Never mind ‘oo wins. Just kick the shit art of everyfing.”

“Alright,” Hammy said sarcastically. “We’ll do it the English way. Just sit on our asses and wait for it to sort itself out.”

“Quiet,” Bernard snapped. “Please, we are all supposed to be on the same side. I have to get to work on my idea, we don’t have a lot of time left. You two go get some sleep and don’t fight. I must work on my invention.”

Reluctantly, the two walked to the cellar and started the PXI zone. Together they entered and without a word to each other, they settled in for the remainder of the night. Nightingale retired to his lab. There, he placed his PXI on his head and switched it on. The old experiment was in one of the many cupboards. It was large and cumbersome, but in no time he had it set up on the bench.

The hours passed and it was half past noon when Hiram awoke. He felt slightly heady and ached in almost every muscle. At first he could not remember where he was. As soon as he saw Hardwick sleeping curled up on the mattress he remembered. Quickly he climbed to his feet and ascended the stairs to the ground floor. When he reached the lab the door was locked and no sound came from the other side. Hammy banged on the door, but with no answer.

Though worried, he decided to get breakfast before breaking the door down to find the old man. There was very little in the larder and even less in the refrigerator. He opened a can of beans and heated them for his breakfast. Next, to find something heavy to break the door down with. He walked to the living room looking for any likely weapon. There on the settee was the professor, fast asleep with his PXI still on his head.

Hiram decided not to wake the old man. He let both of his companions sleep while he attempted to clean himself up with a hot bath and a shave. When at length he came downstairs Bernard was awake; they met in the kitchen.

“So how did it go, prof?” he asked. “Did you get your thing finished?”

“I think I have succeeded,” Nightingale replied. “But we should try it out in the countryside. We don’t want to give our position away again. We do not know for sure how powerful the master is.”

“Well,” Hammy said, “I don’t care if it works or not. I think we should get the gelly and go blow the whole place up. I think it’s the only way. I mean, what are you going to do, talk him into surrendering or teach him a little humility, maybe?”

“No. I thought if I could talk to him I could possibly discover his vulnerability. There must be something – no creature is unassailable. You see, we can’t talk to him without the protection of the PXI. You know what would happen.”

“Either way I don’t like it, Bernie, and I can’t see much future in it.”

“Bernard, my name is Bernard.”

“Whatever. Are you going to get the gelignite or not?”

“Most certainly we will. But what about Hardwick’s idea with the ladies, it might add a little distraction?”

Hammy thought for a few seconds. “I don’t know,” he said eventually. “I don’t want to put anyone else in jeopardy. It’s our fight, let’s get fighting. We’ve learned enough to know this thing is terribly dangerous. We can’t let it get any stronger. And we sure as hell can’t let it take any more people for whatever purpose it has.”

“I’m with you, Hammy. First let’s try my device, please. One never knows what one may learn.”

As they were discussing what to do and how to do it, Terry Hardwick emerged from the cellar. “Where’s your old lady, Bern?” he asked, flopping down in a chair by the table.

“Old lady?” Bernard echoed.

“Your Trouble and Strife, wife.”

“She passed away several years ago. Please do not call me Bern, my name is Bernard.”

“This place is a bleedin’ mess, you should get someone in to clean it up.”

“Yes,” Bernard said. “Not now. We should get moving on our plans.”

“What plans?” Terry asked.

“First we must test my mind machine, and then we’ll go back up north and deal with our adversary. This must be brought to a conclusion and soon.”

Terry laughed. “An ‘arfwit reporter an’ a silly old clown inventor, up against the mightiest mind power in ‘istory. You geezers couldn’t knock the ‘ead off a good beer.”

“I’m going to bash this one again,” Hammy said, standing up.

“No, no. Please,” Bernard implored. “Just for my sake let us try to work together. I believe we are up against some alien force that has landed on this planet. We are the only ones in the world who have any chance of stopping this thing. No one else even knows it is here.”

“You’re wrong, Bernard,” Hammy said. “It’s black magic mixed in with drugs and the stop fire is how they distribute them. No, I don’t think there are any aliens.”

“‘Oo the ‘ell cares?” Hardwick said. “Lets get the fing an’ knock it off, whatever it is.”

“We have to have a plan, we have to work together,” the prof. emphasized.

“Alright,” Hammy said, sitting down again. “I think we should take the gelignite and go blow up the mine, the house and the stop-fire thing or anybody that gets in our way.”

“Right,” Hardwick said. “But let’s use our brains. We want to win, we don’t want to get killed for our trouble. I vote we get the Glee girls and take them to the ‘ouse. They’ll keep the laird distracted. We should look for your bird an’ anyone else ‘oo’s bein’ ‘eld prisoner. Set the charges, then get the ‘ell art an’ plug our lug’oles.”

“Sound’s good to me,” Hammy said.

“No,” Bernard said flatly. “First we try my experiment. I must try to communicate with the laird or whatever it is. We need information; none of us know what we are up against. We must use our intelligence.”

“Then go blow the bastard off the face of the planet,” Hammy added.

Terry looked at each of them. With a grin on his face, he said, “When can we get this gelly?”

Bernard consulted his wristwatch. “Probably the day after tomorrow. I will have to phone Steven and see how it’s coming. You’ll have to go to the bank and get the money, Hammy.”

“I vote we all have a good meal,” Hiram said. “Do this experiment for Bernard, take the explosives and go do our thing like Terry said.”

For the first time they were all in agreement. Hiram walked to the bank to get the money. Bernard made a phone call then did some shopping. Terry made a couple of phone calls then had a good hot bath. That evening they had a hot meal, cooked by Chef Bernard. As they sat to enjoy the food the subject of who and when came up again.

“When you gonna get this gelly?” Terry asked.

“Next Friday night,” Bernard replied.

“Or-right,” Terry said. “The gells’ll be ‘ere Sa’erday mornin’. We’ll go in the Glee girl’s bus very early Sunday mornin’. Hiram will search the ‘ouse wiv the birds. I’ll plant the bomb at the stop fire. Bernie, you blow up the mine. Now, are there any questions?”

“Yes,” Hammy said. “What do I do if I find any survivors in the house?”

Terry shook his head. “Bring ‘em art, what you fink you would do wiv ‘em?”

“What about my experiment?” Bernard asked.

“We’ve got loads of time for that. We can do that tomorrah while we’s waiting for the gelly.”

The next day the three intrepid world-savers climbed into Bernard’s car and drove well out of town. They set up the equipment in a grass field just off the highway. Solemnly, each placed their PXIs on their own head then checked each other to ensure they were ready. Bernie plugged his experiment into the cigarette lighter of the car and switched the machine on.

For several minutes he tinkered about with dials and knobs. He placed an earphone in one ear and again twiddled some knobs.

“I’m getting it,” he said excitedly.

“What are you getting?” Hammy asked.

Bernard’s eyes were wide and staring. He sat in the deckchair and listened in silence. Then he began tuning the knobs again. After a few moments he picked up the microphone and spoke. “I am Professor Nightingale. I am not your enemy. What are you doing here?”

They all watched in solemn silence. Bernard listened for a long time. “What you are doing is wrong,” he said. Then listened again for a long time. Slowly he put the microphone down, pulled the earphone from his ear and sat with his eyes wide open.

“Well?” Hiram prompted. What happened?”

“I … I have conferred with the Laird of Craigai Castle.”

“So what the hell did he say?”

Bernard looked very strange, his face ashen and his eyes staring. “I was right, he is an alien.”

“Yes?” Hiram prompted again. “Then what?”

“Well, nothing, he’s an alien.”

“So?”

“So nothing, he’s an alien from another world. He’s stranded here. Do you realize what this means?”

“So who is he?” Hiram asked. “Big bloody deal. He still doesn’t have the right to go around knocking people off.”

“He is the Laird of Craigai Castle.”

“What about Barbara? What about all those dead bodies? What about the stop fire? Did you find out anything useful?”

“Not really,” Bernard said. “I think we should help him, not destroy him.”

“Help him,” Hiram yelled. “Are you crazy? We’ve got some space monster here killing people and you want to help him?”

“You don’t understand,” Bernard said slowly and sadly.

“I don’t want to understand. Whatever it is, it is my enemy. We are going to destroy it,” Hiram snarled. “Blow the bastard up.”

“No. We can negotiate with him.”

Terry Hardwick grabbed the old man and shook him. “You ain’t in its power, are yah?”

“No, but this thing can be concluded in peace. There doesn’t have to be bloodshed.”

“Not bloody likely,” Hiram said angrily. “What say you, Terry?”

“I agree wiv you, cock.”

“Prof., put that mind machine of yours on again and ask it where Barbara is. I have to know what happened to her.”

“I cannot do that,” Bernard said.

“Oh! and why not?”

“He has forbidden me to communicate with the PXI on.”

“Oh, boy, that makes sense, like he just wants to make friends. Give me a break.”

Terry Hardwick grabbed the mind machine and smashed it to the ground, then stamped on it. “Shit to this fing, we’ve gotta battle to fight. We don’t want no communication wiv the enemy.”