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King Zog the Terrible (But Always Pleasant Smelling)

“The story of King Zog the Terrible,” all of Ms. Hydra’s nine heads whispered as one.

The second head added, “But Always Pleasant Smelling.”

The other eight heads nodded in agreement about King Zog’s ever-present pleasant odor.

At that point, all nine of Ms. Hydra’s heads began telling the story of King Zog’s rise to power. When she finished, Principal Headcrusher ordered Ms. Hydra to tell the story to every class. The details would undoubtedly save many students’ lives.

Ms. Hydra entered Mr. Grump’s sixth-grade class. Having a twenty-foot monitor lizard with nine heads enter the class unannounced was so horrifying, the class ducked under their desks and covered their heads. Mr. Grump had no idea who Ms. Hydra was (even though they had had a pleasant conversation that morning). He trumpeted his snout in fear and jumped out the window. Fred, the boy the without fear, was the only one who remained seated at his desk, still totally certain he was dreaming.

The class was too afraid of Ms. Hydra to pay close attention to her story, so I decided to take over. Ms. Hydra went to King Khufu’s class, who were more used to learning from a terrifying teacher.

“To begin with,” I said to Mr. Grump’s class, “you’ll need to know what defines a monster. There are many well-known species of monsters, but there is one common trait that unites them: They all smell terrible.”

The class laughed, thinking about stinky monsters.

I continued, “Each monster has a unique odor. It can smell like a combination of skunk juice, spoiled cheese, sweaty feet, rotting fish, boiled liver, or dinosaur burps. The smellier the creature, the more respected it is in the monster community.

“In the history of monsters, only the ones with the foulest odor have ever become a king or queen. That’s why when Zog was born smelling like fresh-baked cookies, rushing waterfalls, and fields of lavender in springtime, nobody gave him much of a chance to amount to anything.”

The girls cooed, thinking about those lovely smells.

“Zog was born with the head of a giant toad, the body of a walrus, and the tail of a scorpion. By the looks of him, he should have smelled atrocious, but the more he rolled in muck and filth, the more he smelled like a summer breeze in a peach orchard.

“His parents hoped that his foul odor would develop with age, but it didn’t. After several years, he still smelled like a barrel of sweet potpourri. One day, the Monster Patrol sniffed out his appallingly pleasant odor and locked him away in the Dungeon of Rot until he started smelling like a real monster.

“Heartbroken, Zog’s parents bravely stormed the dungeon to free their son. They managed to break a hole in the wall with their mighty nose horns, giving Zog an opening to escape.

“Zog ran as fast as he could through Monster Forest, using all the strength of his horse legs. Did I mention Zog has horse legs? He has horse legs. The patrol monsters frantically chased after him, but in the end, he managed to outrun them. His parents, however, were not so fast and were captured and locked away in the dungeon.”

The class was sad, thinking about what they would do if they were left without parents.

“Lost and alone, Zog wandered the wilderness until he found a hidden valley. It turned out, a whole society of sweet-smelling monsters was living there. They liked Zog and decided to adopt him.”

The class exhaled in relief that Zog had found a new family.

“Scared of being discovered, the monsters kept quiet at all times. They tried to become as unmonsterlike as possible and had very good manners. They always ate their meals with a fork and knife. They said ‘excuse me’ when they belched, which was often.

“When Zog reached adulthood, he was elected leader of the sweet-smelling monsters. But rather than having them practice their manners, Zog began training the monsters in combat. Did I mention Zog’s father was a karate master who gave Zog karate lessons every day? Zog’s father was a karate master who gave Zog karate lessons every day.

“Soon, Zog was in command of an army of warriors whom he called karate monsters. They were tough, but smelled like cake batter whisking in a French bakery. One of those monsters was Ms. Stingbottom, the fluffy pink monster with the head of a lion who taught us Monster Math last year.

“Zog had never stopped missing his parents. He was bent on seeing them again to say thank you for freeing him.

“On a windy summer day, Zog’s army stormed across the countryside until they reached the castle of Bub-Gub, the Monster King.

“The palace guards fought fiercely, but hopelessly. Their undisciplined gnashing of teeth and flailing of claws was no match for well-trained karate monsters.

“The army had soon made its way into the dungeon, where Zog’s parents were chained to the wall. Breaking their bonds, Zog hugged his parents so hard he nearly crushed them. Together, they roared with joy. If monsters had a word for love, they would have certainly said ‘I love you’ a thousand times.

“Overrun, Bub-Gub the Monster King surrendered to Zog and pronounced him the new king of the monsters.

“Thus began the reign of King Zog. His first decree was that all monsters were to be treated equally, whether they smelled like a rotting troll carcass or blooming cherry trees.

“Now, you are probably wondering why Zog is called King Zog the Terrible when he seems to have done so much good. Here is why:

“Along with his first decree, Zog also made another decree. He enjoyed the customs of the peaceful valley and declared that all monsters must practice perfect manners at all times. Failure to say please or thank you would lead to immediate punishment. An offender would be dismembered or eaten, depending on the offense.

“Zog gave one seminar on perfect manners and then everyone was on their own. Many monsters lost their lives the next day when they burped at the dining table, picked food from their teeth, or forgot to write a thank-you note after receiving a gift.

“One day, the newly formed Monster Manners Patrol caught five of Ms. Hydra’s heads staring at a good-looking dragon for more than three seconds. Staring was considered impolite and the Monster Patrol began chasing after her. Ms. Hydra had to flee for her life, leaving all of her friends and belongings behind.

“So, even though there was a new king, things were still really bad. Only in a different way.”

After I finished telling the story to Mr. Grump’s class, Petunia said, “We certainly can’t refuse the Monster King’s invitation to visit him. He would be insulted and could attack us.”

Jason added, “But if any of us makes a mistake in our manners, we could be…”

“Dismembered or eaten. Depending on the offense,” I answered.

“Well, I guess that’s better than having the whole school attacked by an army of karate monsters,” said the smartest girl in class, Wendy Crumkin. “When we visit the king, we’ll just have to behave well enough to not get dismembered.”

The rowdiest boys in class—Johnny, Ramon, and Peter—looked at their bodies and thought, Well, limbs, it was nice knowing you.