13

A Monstrous Halloween

After a revoltingly delicious lunch of peanut butter and jellyfish, scrambled vulture eggs, and broccoli cake, the students made their way to Petrified Pavilion for the special Halloween assembly.

As they took their seats, Principal Headcrusher took the stage and raised her enormous hands to her mouth.

“Happy Halloween,” Principal Headcrusher announced, sounding loud even to the students with their ears plugged. “As you are aware, we have no choice but to watch the goblins’ Halloween play before we move on to more important matters. I am aware there is very little chance of this happening, but please try to enjoy the goblins’ production of Little Red Riding Hood.”

At this point, the goblins did their performance of Little Red Riding Hood, but this year it was so awful and poorly executed, I couldn’t bring myself to force you to read about it. I’m just not that mean. If you really want to read about what happened though, you can head over to my website, ScarySchool.com. Click on the link near Goblin Hill and you can read to your heart’s content, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

For now I’ll tell you that not a single person clapped, and the goblins didn’t even deserve that much applause.

As the curtain closed on them, Principal Headcrusher took the stage and said, “Yikes! And I thought last year was bad when they destroyed the playground! Now to the important matter at hand. I have invited a special guest who will give us some valuable tips on how we can survive the upcoming monster attack on the school. Please welcome Ms. Stingbottom!”

Every kid in the school stood up and cheered. Ms. Stingbottom was one of their favorite guest teachers. She taught basic Monster Math, which, as you remember, Charles Nukid had put to good use in scaring off the monster-pirates.

Ms. Stingbottom stepped up to the podium. She was covered in pink fur from head to foot. She had the head of a lion, the claws of a lobster, and the tail of a stingray. She also wore a very fashionable purple dress that matched her purple purse and purple makeup. All the girls were jealous of her outfit, except for Petunia, of course.

“Awoo-Aloo, my precious students of Scary School!” she exclaimed.

“Awoo-Aloo,” the students joyously replied. That made Ms. Stingbottom so happy she did a double backflip.

“I wish I could be here under more cheerful circumstances, but unfortunately I bear only bad news. As a monster, I must admit that members of my species do tend to overreact when they feel they have been insulted. I tried to convince them that you are all very nice children who do not deserve a gruesome death, but I’m afraid I was unsuccessful. Our dragon friends have been tracking their movements, and I feel it is important that you all see this.”

Ms. Stingbottom pressed a remote control button, and a giant screen lowered from the ceiling.

“This is live streaming footage of what is occurring just ten thousand miles away.”

A thousand menacing monster-pirate ships filled the screen. The students gasped.

“Yes,” Ms. Stingbottom declared, “I fear that one thousand ships are on their way to Scary School even as we speak. The good news is that the monster-pirates are not the world’s best navigators. They took off in the wrong direction, which has bought us some time. Nonetheless, they will eventually circle the Earth. I estimate they will arrive here in sixty-five thousand weeks.”

All the students did some quick Monster Math in their heads and realized that meant just six human weeks. Everyone looked around nervously, but then Wendy Crumkin raised her hand.

“Yes, Wendy?”

“When they get here, can’t we just use Monster Math to scare them away?”

“That is the worst news,” Ms. Stingbottom said, shaking her furry lion’s head with dozens of pretty ribbons tied to it. “The monsters have all bought…” She could barely muster the words and sobbed as she said, “Earplugs!”

The students groaned. Many had been practicing shouting small numbers, but now that seemed all for naught.

“The monsters won’t be able to hear anything you say, so you will have to think of a new way to survive the attack. My precious darlings, it is times like this when it is most important to remember what we are fighting for. It is something that most monsters do not even know the meaning of. Love. The love of Charles Nukid and Princess Zogette.”

“I don’t like her!” Charles shouted from the thick of the crowd.

“Indeed,” said Ms. Stingbottom, “their affection has transformed into something quite a bit more than ‘like,’ and it is the most beautiful thing in the world. Will Charles Nukid and Princess Zogette please join me onstage?”

“Huzzah!” Zogette exclaimed, taking Charles in her arms and flying them down to the stage.

Ms. Stingbottom gazed upon the princess and recoiled.

“Is this the face that launched a thousand ships?” she asked the crowd. “Seriously, is this the face? She’s hideous even by monster standards. But to each his own, I guess.”

Lindsey shouted from the seats, “Hey! Don’t judge her by her looks!”

Charles couldn’t have been more embarrassed. Princess Zogette was hugging and kissing and pinching him all over.

Ms. Stingbottom continued, “Look upon them, students of Scary School. The purity of their love and devotion is worth defending. It is worth fighting for. It is worth dying for.”

Charles decided he had had enough. At that moment, he no longer cared about how much sleep he would lose if he broke a rule. He didn’t even care if the princess devoured him in a fit of rage. He was going to break up with her and put an end to this madness.

He turned to give Zogette a piece of his mind, but saw she was holding out a great big present for him.

“Ooohh, Charles,” she said, “you are the bravest man in the world. I can never repay you for saving me from the misery of becoming a monster-pirate’s bride. Please take this Halloween present as a token of my eternal gratitude.”

Charles unwrapped the box. Inside was something so beautiful it left him speechless.

A brand-new, limited edition, Guitar Legend guitar. It looked like it was made of pure gold with sparkling silver trim. The head was in the shape of a thunderbolt. There were signatures all over the face.

“I pulled a few strings, pun intended, and got the guitar signed by all your favorite Monsters of Rock,” the princess announced with pride.

Charles examined the signatures and his jaw dropped. There was Deaddie Van Halen, Jack-o’-lantern White, Dave Troll, Shivers Cuomo—just to name a few. If you know who they are, you have great taste in music.

He held the guitar in his arms, still speechless. He looked at Zogette’s toady smiling face and couldn’t bring himself to break up with her. He meekly said, “Thank you. It’s the best present anyone’s ever given me.” Zogette was so happy, she flicked out her frog tongue and gave Charles a sloppy lick on the face.

“Awww,” said the entire crowd, except Penny.

“You see,” proclaimed Ms. Stingbottom, “this is what love is all about—a weird toad creature and a skinny human making each other happy. Awoo-Aloo to the both of you.”

Up in the crowd, Penny Possum’s giant eyes were filling with giant tears. Charles noticed and tried to wave to her, but the princess yanked him into her belly and gave him a big, smelly hug.

 

Later that day, Charles managed to break away from Zogette and went looking for Penny Possum. He found her in her favorite hiding spot between lockers 217 and 218.

Penny glared at him with her big eyes.

“Penny,” he said, “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I really miss you. You were my best friend. I still want you to be.”

He mussed up his perfectly coiffed hair just to make her laugh. Penny’s grim expression didn’t change.

“Listen,” Charles pleaded, “we haven’t talked in a long time. Fifty-five and a half days, to be exact. I mean, I know we never talked anyway, but we at least had—”

Before Charles could finish, Penny had keeled over and played dead, telling him without words that the conversation was over.

Charles exhaled deeply as his heart sank. Walking away, he carefully put each hair back in its place.