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Eddie Bookman Doesn’t Exist…Or Does He?

Eddie Bookman is no-doubt-about-it, hundred-percent-guaranteed, certain that he doesn’t actually exist. In fact, he is absolutely convinced that he is a fictional character in a fictional book.

Everyone at Scary School thinks he’s crazy, but perhaps he’s the least crazy of them all.

On a brisk November morning, Eddie was sitting in King Khufu’s class. He believed with all his heart that he wasn’t really there. King Khufu asked everyone to pass forward their homework.

Everyone always did their homework in King Khufu’s class because they were scared to death that Khufu would place a horrible curse on them if they failed to. That is exactly the reason why parents pay so much to send their kids to Scary School. Being in constant fear of losing their lives makes the children work harder than they’ve ever worked.

As a result, Scary School produces the smartest, most over-achieving human students in the world.

As soon as King Khufu noticed Eddie’s homework was missing, his bandaged limbs froze and he glowered at Eddie with his ancient eyes. He unwrapped the cloth that usually covered his mouth, and the stench of his ancient breath filled the room.

“Mr. Bookman,” hissed King Khufu, “where is your homework?”

“I didn’t do it,” Eddie answered calmly.

“And may I ask why?”

“Because I don’t exist.”

The class burst into laughter, and even King Khufu chuckled.

“What do you mean you don’t exist?”

“I mean I’m a character in a book—and a very weird book at that. Some writer made me up, probably just a few minutes ago. So if that’s all I am—the figment of some weird writer’s imagination—what is the point of doing homework?”

King Khufu scowled. He was certain Eddie was trying to trick him or confuse him to get out of being cursed. Then he thought of something and snapped his dusty fingers, causing the tip of his thumb to break off. “Tell me—ow, my thumb—do you have any proof that you don’t exist, Mr. Bookman?”

“Yes, I do.”

The class leaned in with interest.

“What do I look like?” Eddie asked.

Everyone in the class looked at one another, not sure of how to answer. Even King Khufu seemed flummoxed. Khufu stammered, “You look like…like…um…”

Eddie had a thick flattop of black hair; pale, freckly skin; and was wearing a green striped shirt with brown shorts and hiking shoes.

“Ah, I know exactly what you look like,” said Khufu. “You have a thick flattop of black hair; pale, freckly skin; and you are wearing a green striped shirt with brown shorts and hiking shoes.”

“See! Why did it take you so long to answer me? It’s because whoever’s writing this had no idea what I looked like thirty seconds ago. He just pulled it out of thin air.”

“That’s ridiculous,” said Khufu. “We can all see what you look like.”

“But I don’t even know what I look like,” Eddie exclaimed, rising from his chair. “For all I know you could be lying to me, ’cause I’ve never looked in a mirror!”

Eddie had looked in a mirror that morning and had thought that he looked particularly handsome.

“Okay, never mind,” said Eddie. “I did look in a mirror this morning, but I swear I didn’t know that until two seconds ago.”

Once again the class broke out into laughter. Even Tanya Tarantula rolled onto her back and wiggled her fangs at Eddie’s nuttiness. Princess Zogette exclaimed, “You aren’t anywhere near as handsome as my Charles!” then she flew across the room and gave Charles a big kiss on the cheek. The slobber stuck to his face for the rest of the day.

“It’s a good try, Eddie,” said Khufu. “But I’m afraid I have no choice but to curse you for not doing your homework.”

“Whatever,” said Eddie. “I think I’m already cursed.”

 

By lunchtime, word had spread fast about Eddie’s behavior in class.

As he walked through the lunch hall, everyone was pointing and laughing at him. Even the zombie waiters were laughing so hard that their jaws fell off. The school had been desperately searching for something to laugh about to take their minds off the thousands of karate monsters on their way to attack them.

Lebok, a big, mean troll in the sixth grade, walked up to Eddie and socked him in the arm.

“Ow,” said Eddie. “Why’d you do that?”

“Hey, if you no exist, you should no have hurt, right?”

Lebok started laughing, and everyone in the lunch hall laughed along with him. Even dumb trolls were scoring points off Eddie.

Then Eddie walked by a table of fifth-grade girls. They began throwing their food at him, creating a disgusting mess all over his clothes.

“Why’d you do that?” Eddie asked them.

“What do you care? If you don’t exist, then it’s impossible to look stupid, right?”

That was the last straw. Eddie jumped onto a table-top and screamed, “I AM JUST A CHARACTER IN A BOOK! AND GUESS WHAT? ALL OF YOU PROBABLY ARE TOO! As soon as I find a way to prove it, I’ll show you!”

Then all the kids in the lunch hall started throwing their food at poor Eddie. None of them felt bad about it, because if Eddie didn’t exist, that meant he didn’t have any feelings.

He could only wonder why the writer of this story disliked him so much that he should have to go through all this anguish.

While Eddie was eating all by himself, three sisters named Sarah, Lily, and Mia, each born one year apart and all with long black hair, approached Eddie and gave him some advice.

“If what you say is true,” said Sarah, “then the one to talk to is Derek the Ghost.”

Lily piped in, “He’s writing a book about Scary School, so if you really are just a character in a book, he would have created you.”

Mia added, “I just saw him floating around by the quicksand box. If you hurry, you might catch him before he goes into his haunted house.”

Sarah, Lily, and Mia thought Eddie’s theory might be true because, aside from Petunia, they were the only kids at Scary School who had read the first Scary School book.

“Thanks,” said Eddie to the sisters. “I’ll do that.”

Eddie abandoned his lunch and ran as fast as he could to the quicksand box. I was sitting there building a castle. One of the advantages of being a ghost is that I have no weight, so I couldn’t sink into the quicksand.

“Hey, are you Derek the Ghost?” Eddie asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“So…” Eddie hesitated, knowing the question he wanted to ask, but unsure if he actually wanted to hear the answer. “Do I…I mean…am I just a character in your book?”

“Of course you are,” I said. “I float around writing about everything and everyone at the school. That’s my job. I certainly wouldn’t leave you out.”

“I know that. But I mean, do I actually exist or did you just make me up?”

I floated out of the sandbox and hovered next to Eddie.

“Listen,” I said, “you already seem sure that you don’t exist, so why are you even asking me?”

“You’re right,” he said. “I am sure. So why did you curse me to be the only kid at the school who realizes it?”

“To be honest, I thought you’d enjoy your life more if you knew the big secret.”

“Enjoy it? I’m miserable because nobody believes me.”

“Ah, so you want proof to show the other kids.”

“Yes! Exactly. That would be fantastic.”

“There’s only one way to prove your nonexistence for a fact.”

I pointed to a glowing blue circle on the ground.

“You have a choice. You can either go on living your life from this point forward with the sole knowledge that you don’t actually exist. Or, you can gather all the kids out here and stand on that circle. Then, you’ll have your proof.”

“Great!” said Eddie. “I’ll get the kids out here right away.”

Eddie ran back into the lunch hall and brought everyone out to the playground. He had promised he had proof that he was right and they were wrong.

The students and teachers all watched intently as Eddie walked toward the glowing blue circle on the ground. Grinning with excitement, he stepped toward the circle. Everyone held their breath.

As soon as he stepped inside the circle…he was gone. Vanished. Not only from his physical form, but also from everyone’s thoughts and memories.

Eddie Bookman had never existed.

The students began asking one another, “Why are we out here?”

“I don’t know. Let’s go back into the lunch hall.”

The students made their way back into the lunch hall, and now none of them could dispute the fact that Eddie Bookman did not exist, because none of them had ever heard of him.

Eddie Bookman was proven right. Except, he never got the chance to gloat about it because he had never existed.