16

Thanksgiving with the Dark Lord

It was Thanksgiving break.

All the Scary School students were at home with their families, enjoying what was sure to be their last holiday together. Nobody was expecting to survive the monster attack, which was on schedule to take place in just three weeks.

To mark the occasion, Princess Zogette joined Charles Nukid’s family for dinner. I crashed the dinner uninvited just for your sakes, my loyal readers.

Zogette was very excited to participate in the human tradition of Thanksgiving. Her love for Charles was matched only by her love for food. She couldn’t wait for the grandest of human feasting days. Charles’s parents, Clarence and Wanda Nukid, were also excited that Zogette would be joining them for Thanksgiving. They were elated that Charles had fallen in love with a real-life princess and they pictured themselves living in a faraway castle with throngs of servants.

One of the rules Charles followed at home was to never speak poorly of another person, so he found himself unable to tell his family that he didn’t really like Zogette. The dinner went very well until they brought out the turkey. As the guest of honor, Zogette had the privilege of cutting the first piece, but she thought the whole turkey was being offered to her. She swallowed the entire twenty-pound bird in one gulp.

And so it became a vegetarian Thanksgiving at the Nukid house.

 

Principal Headcrusher was using the time off to pay a visit to an orphanage in a remote village by the sea. While on vacation, Principal Headcrusher preferred to go by her given name of Meredith Headcrusher.

The orphanage was rumored to house a ten-year-old boy with extraordinary powers named Tim Puzzle. Meredith thought that his powers could help defeat King Zog’s army. But she would need to convince him to attend Scary School first.

When Meredith arrived at the village (driving her car with a special oversized steering wheel to fit her hands), she had a good deal of trouble finding the orphanage because oddly there were no street signs. She ended up circling the streets for hours before finding the building.

Once there, she placed her enormous compact mirror in her enormous hand and finished applying her makeup. Then she placed her hands in her enormous pants pockets so as not to scare anyone as she headed inside the orphanage to meet with the matron.

The matron was a pleasant-looking, plump old woman named Mrs. Green. Mrs. Green was wearing a bright green muumuu and glared at Meredith with piercing green eyes.

“Hello, I’m Meredith Headcrusher, principal of Scary School.”

“Headcrusher?” said Mrs. Green. “That’s a rather unfortunate name.”

“I’m afraid none of us can choose our birth names, can we?”

“Good point. I have a cousin named Dilbert Pickles. He can’t stand pickles.”

“Exactly. So, I suppose you’re wondering why I’m here.”

“No. You actually mentioned in your e-mail that you want Tim Puzzle to attend your school. Is that still the case?”

“Possibly. I need to meet him first.”

“Don’t get me wrong. I’d be thrilled to be rid of him. But I have to warn you that when we found him, he was living all alone in his parents’ house except for two pet frogs. His parents had gone missing, you see. When authorities asked him where his parents were, all he said was, ‘They tried to make me eat my vegetables and now they’re gone.’”

“Well, his parents must not have cooked vegetables very well. At Scary School, Sue the Amazing Octo-Chef cooks the vegetables so deliciously, the kids eat them like candy.”

“Well, we can’t all be amazing octo-chefs, now can we? We took Tim in to live with us and as soon as he got here, the other kids started to go missing and the frog population started exploding. Odd, considering there aren’t any creeks for miles.”

“That is odd. You think Tim has been turning the other kids into frogs?”

“I can’t prove it, of course. If I brought it up with him, I’m pretty sure he’d do something appalling to me, so I leave bad enough alone. Why do you think I wear this hideous green muumuu? Whenever I’m around him, I ribbit and hop about so that he thinks he’s already turned me into a frog.”

“That’s terrible.”

“That I can handle. The worst part is the fly eating.”

“It sounds like Tim is a real handful for you, but he seems perfect for my school.”

“Maybe you aren’t catching my drift. There are kids with problems and kids with issues to work through, and every so often, there’s a kid like Tim Puzzle. He’s just plain evil.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.”

“Don’t get me wrong! I would do cartwheels and set off fireworks if you took him off my hands. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Mrs. Green led Meredith into an ornate room on the top floor of the orphanage. Tim Puzzle sat at an antique wooden desk, typing at a computer. At his feet were the remnants of a turkey carcass on a large plate. Meredith surmised he had just eaten his Thanksgiving dinner all alone in his room.

Mrs. Green whispered to Meredith, “A few weeks ago he demanded to have my room. Obviously I agreed. I’ll leave you two alone.” Then she ribbited and hopped out the door.

As soon as the door closed, Tim Puzzle turned around in his chair. He wore glasses that were taped together at the bridge, and his two front teeth bucked forward over his bottom lip. His brown hair was parted straight down the middle and curled upward when it reached his ears. He was wearing blue shorts and a pin-striped collared shirt. He looked like that kid in class who you try to copy your notes off of, but when he catches you looking, he tells the teacher.

“Who are you?” Tim Puzzle asked in a high-pitched voice that resonated with menace.

“My name is Principal Meredith Headcrusher. I’m from Scary School.”

“Scary School? What’s that?”

“It’s a school where regular kids study with vampires, werewolves, zombies, trolls—you name it. I’m told you have special talents that might make you a perfect fit.”

Tim Puzzle shrank away at those words, as if Meredith had learned a secret he didn’t want known.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. You have the wrong kid.”

“Tim, if you don’t mind, I’d like to show you something.”

Meredith removed her right hand from her pocket and held it up. Tim’s jaw dropped. “Gross! Your hand is as big as me!” he exclaimed.

Meredith smiled, then pulled out a whole watermelon from her purse and crushed it with a gentle squeeze, sending rinds and watermelon juice flying everywhere. Tim loved the display and started bouncing in his seat.

“Do it again! Do it again!” he urged.

“Okay. But first you have to show me something you can do.”

Tim’s face turned sour, realizing she had just tricked him, but he did feel a level of trust with Principal Headcrusher.

He led Meredith to a large chest sitting in the corner of the room and opened it. Inside were at least thirty frogs hopping around.

“You like frogs?” Principal Headcrusher asked.

“Not really,” replied Tim. “These were other kids at the orphanage who were mean to me. Two of them were my parents. They tried to make me eat vegetables. Would I have to eat vegetables at Scary School?”

“You would have the privilege of eating vegetables at Scary School because they’re prepared so deliciously. But we certainly wouldn’t force you. The other kids would be happy to eat them off your plate.”

Tim smiled for the first time. He shut the chest and said, “I think I would like to go to Scary School. Can we go now?”

“First I’d like you to show me how you turn people into frogs.”

Tim rolled his eyes. “Fiiine,” he whined. Opening a window, he saw a jogger on the street chugging by. Tim pointed his finger at the jogger, closed his eyes, and a bolt of green energy shot out from his fingertip. The bolt hit the jogger, instantly transforming him into a tiny frog.

“Impressive,” said Meredith. “At Scary School, you would not be allowed to turn any of your classmates into a frog without their permission.”

“What about the teachers?” Tim asked.

“Oh, you’re more than welcome to take on one of the teachers if you think you could survive.”

Tim smiled a mischievous smile and dashed to a cupboard to gather his belongings. Inside the cupboard, Meredith noticed, there was a collection of street signs.

“And what is all that?” Meredith asked him.

“I like to go around town and steal all the street signs,” Tim said nonchalantly. “When I’m bored, I sit by the window and watch cars drive around lost. It’s hilarious.”

“I was driving around for hours before I found this place!”

“I know. I was watching you and laughing my head off.”

Meredith was starting to feel more and more uncomfortable about taking this kid to Scary School. That’s when she noticed the enormous audio speakers sitting on the ledge of the opposite window.

“What are those speakers for?”

“Every night I wake up at two in the morning and start blasting heavy metal music. Nobody within a three-mile radius has gotten a good night’s sleep in months.”

“Okaaay. You know what,” said Meredith. “This isn’t going to happen for you.”

“What do you mean?” asked Tim, the excitement draining out of him.

“At Scary School, we teach that just because you have the ability to maim and transform and make people’s lives miserable, there is almost never a good reason to do it. I’m afraid I made a mistake offering you a place in my school. Have a nice day.”

Principal Headcrusher walked back toward the door, leaving Tim stunned and hurt. “Wait!” he screamed. “You let me come to your school, or I will turn you into a frog!”

“Listen, Tim. You are obviously going to be a very powerful wizard one day. Based on your personality, a dark lord, no doubt. I wish you luck with that, but I will not be part of it.”

Baring his buckteeth, Tim extended a finger and shot a bolt of green energy at Meredith. Meredith had been expecting this the entire time. She quickly pulled her left hand out of her pocket, in which she was still holding the enormous compact mirror. The bolt of energy bounced off the mirror and reflected back onto Tim.

He was hit right in the chest by his own bolt, instantly transforming him into a tiny green frog.

Tim being turned into a frog created a reverse shock wave of magic that immediately turned all the frogs in the chest back to normal kids. They came spilling out of the chest on top of one another. Even Tim’s parents were changed back. The kids hugged Meredith for turning them back into humans.

Tim’s parents caught their tiny frog son and placed him in a jar.

When the matron hopped back into the room, she was overjoyed to see all the children had returned. She was even happier that Tim’s parents were going to take the young dark lord off her hands.

The Puzzles bought a very nice aquarium for their son, in which he would live out the rest of his days eating bugs and hopping on fake rocks.

He still tried to be the most evil frog he could possibly be. Every night at 2:00 a.m., he croaked as loud as he could.