He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.
— GEORGE ELIOT, ADAM BEDE1
We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him.
— SHELLEY WINTERS2
We never know when or under what circumstances we will meet a narcissist. By accident or design we will eventually encounter him. We are often woefully unprepared for these events. I recall an evening, a business/social affair, hosted by a West Coast power couple. The location—a sprawling estate in an exclusive beach enclave of southern California. The mansion was the frequent setting for illustrious fêtes, political gatherings, and elegant soirées. I was invited as a former business consultant to the couple. Other party guests included a private pilot, a plastic surgeon, a superior court judge, a film director, and various sycophants and court jesters, all chartered members of the couple’s inner circle.
Greg and Charlene, the decorous hosts, greeted me at the grand entryway. The house was sumptuous in every detail, mimicking the architectural lines of an elaborate wedding cake. Inside, all was elegant and pristine: precious antiques, sterling silver sets, flawless interior design, fragrant white orchids floating in Baccarat vases, the finest bone china, prized contemporary paintings and sculptures. Early in the evening Charlene, the wife and co-owner of the business empire, introduced herself to me, settling into the couch where I sat. From that moment on she never stopped talking about herself—her business triumphs, her material acquisitions, her innumerable trips and treks, her social A-list friends, her couturier, her brilliant and talented children.
During hot and cold hors d’oeuvres, which included stuffed grape leaves from the vineyard on the premises, guests were taken on a prolonged tour of Greg’s wine cellar, a commodious series of rooms set at perfect temperatures to protect his priceless collection. Dinner was announced and guests were escorted to a high-ceilinged dining room with walls of dark wood. As I entered, my gaze traveled up the four walls of the room. Many eyes looked out at me, the innocent faces of large wild animals felled—hunting trophies: antelope, deer, elk, buffalo. Surely the owners of this house had used the skills of the finest taxidermist to achieve the riveting effect. I had to keep myself from darting out of the room. I felt nauseated and wondered how it was possible for people to ingest food in the presence of these dead creatures who had been affixed to the walls in a perverse kind of crucifixion.
During dinner Charlene made a deliberate point of telling everyone in earshot that their estate was on a special annual home tour. She described in detail all the reconstruction they had conducted after purchasing the mansion. The repainting of the home had taken more than three years, and Charlene was still not satisfied. She had a master painter on call in case they decided to make quick changes. Ancient marble imported from Italian quarries held a prominent presence throughout the house, giving it the atmosphere of a mausoleum.
After dinner Charlene continued her breathless litany of self, signaling a chilling disdain for others who would never measure up to her standards. Everything surrounding Charlene and her golden circle was perfect. Outside this boundary were inferior, pitiful beings, condemned to a dull hell of mediocrity. Inside this hallowed sphere were the privileged, who surrounded and protected her like a venerated member of royalty. When the interminable evening ended and I said my good-byes, I felt like a long-held prisoner now freed. As I raced across the magnificent green lawn, I gratefully embraced the clear star-filled night and realized that in all those hours she had not once asked me one question about myself.
This book focuses on the high-level narcissist, masters of charm, purveyors of magnetism. Meeting one of these individuals is a memorable experience whether the encounter is positive, negative, or mixed. Narcissists beguile and persuade with a special brand of magic.
My purpose is to inform the reader so that he will be able to identify the narcissistic personality and, in particular, the highlevel narcissists in his life and to develop a full appreciation that these individuals suffer from a severe personality disorder. Being unaware and uninformed of the psychopathology, origins, and unconscious motivations of the narcissistic personality disorder is counterproductive and injurious to those who naively tangle with narcissists. Arming yourself with specific strategic tools offered in this book provides you with the psychological edge and confidence you will bring to all of your encounters with the high-level narcissist.
In Part I, The Great Performer, we view the narcissist at center stage, the spotlight shining fully on him. This is dramatically illustrated in vivid scenes from the life of art world icon Pablo Picasso, who epitomizes the high-level narcissist in full bloom. To clarify the diagnostic distinctions between the narcissist and other personality disorders, I draw the differences between him and the borderline personality disorder and the antisocial personality. I present a historical and societal perspective, explaining how the dramatic shift in psychopathology has changed from a focus on the neuroses to a focus on the personality disorders.
Today, society encourages the ascendance of high-level narcissists, rewarding them with extraordinary financial success, social status, public and private adulation. Narcissists pervade every realm of life today. They are our CEOs, actors, politicians, world leaders, physicians, attorneys, judges, entrepreneurs. The highlevel narcissist spins grandiose delusions that feed his feelings of superiority and overriding self-entitlement. When I refer to the high-level narcissist as he, I am including female narcissists as well.
More recently, the world courts high-level narcissists; they are highly prized and envied, frequently treated like royalty. The narcissist’s interactions with others are shallow and venal. He keeps people in his circle as long as they benefit him. When they become an inconvenience or cost him money he is unwilling to spend on some unrealistic venture he has contrived, or become rivals, they are dismissed without warning, gone as if they never existed. Despite this craven ruthlessness, the narcissist believes that he is an honorable human being. Blinded by his smooth charm and contagious dynamism, his golden circle of followers and sycophants applaud and cater to his smallest wish and whim.
The high-level narcissist makes no distinction between image and self. Incapable of dealing with his inner world of hurt, mistakes, cruelties, traumas, self-delusions, he fabricates an impeccable self-image. The high-level narcissist chooses those who will loyally serve him, even sacrifice themselves for him. Often they are physically attractive, talented, and bright or present a combination of these qualities. The narcissist feels expansive and activated encircled by this crew of faithful devotees. His horizons are limitless; the meticulously honed image of self has become a living reality.
In Part II, Behind the Perfect Mask, I describe through clinical vignettes and anecdotes the hidden inner personality traits of the narcissist. My purpose is to familiarize you, the reader, with the tools to identify the high-level narcissists in your life and to understand that you are confronting a severe personality disorder not a benign character eccentricity. Here we encounter the dark underworld of his psyche. The high-level narcissist is an exploiter par excellence. I have painfully observed how he has skillfully manipulated, seduced, and burned the same individuals more than once. This attests to his gifts of cunning and persuasion. Not having a conscience is a plus for him. There is always a core group surrounding the high-level narcissist who will never leave him no matter what the cost to their own lives.
The high-level narcissist appears to have a deception gene. You can make a deal with a narcissist, legalize it, and discover that he suddenly has changed his mind and will not honor his commitment. Once he makes a decision to change course, the curtain falls abruptly, offices are closed, borrowed money is left unpaid. Deception becomes an art form in the hands of a high-level narcissist. Automatic lies and obfuscations are all part of his permanent repertoire. A portrait of the ignominious industrialist and “philanthropist” Armand Hammer demonstrates the ruthless manipulations and treacheries he perpetrated to achieve his delusional visions of glory.
The high-level narcissist often spends his childhood years and beyond as the golden child, the one chosen above the rest. Usually, one parent takes the lead, deciding that a particular child who is beautiful, handsome, talented, or athletic will carry this role. He or she represents the fulfillment of a parental need. The mother and/or father live through this child to respond to their early psychological deprivations.
The life of Frank Lloyd Wright, the great American architect, is a perfect example of this pathological pattern. An unbroken golden thread joined Wright to his mother most of his life. From his earliest years, Wright’s mother, Anna, communicated to him in words and deeds that her son was a god, that he would become the world’s greatest architect and could do no wrong. Always ambivalent about her cloying and controlling manner, Wright remained emotionally fused with Anna most of his life.
The parents of high-level narcissists are often narcissistic themselves. Their children suffer from a “cold embrace,” the pretense of authentic caring. The self-absorbed narcissistic parent directs the show, turning his child into an acquiescent puppet. This parent blocks his child’s right to become a solid separate individual. Narcissistic personality disorders develop a false grandiose self rather than an authentic true self.
Beneath the bravado and grandiosity lies a pervasive emptiness. The high-level narcissist constantly turns to the rewards of the external world (praise, adulation, material possessions) to fill the painful inner void. The narcissist projects a bottomless rage, secret envy, and closet paranoia. The narcissistic ego is brittle, vulnerable to perceived psychological injuries and slights. In later years the high-level narcissist is often crushed by a sinking enervating despair.
The narcissist suffers from a hardened heart, and is incapable of empathy. Lack of empathy is a signature personality trait for diagnosing the narcissistic personality disorder. The high-level narcissist activates a finely honed pseudo-empathy, which is persuasive with most individuals.
I focus on the life of famous philosopher and novelist, Ayn Rand, as an example of a high-level narcissist who led a self-obsessed life devoid of empathy. Ayn Rand ruthlessly and with exquisite calculation decided what she wanted and whom she wanted. She would not be deterred in the arena of spreading her philosophy of Objectivism or in satisfying her erotic and sexual passions. From beginning to end, she led a life of the hardened heart, in that cold darkness where the warmth of empathy cannot take root.
True empathy begins at the core, the heart. Here, I introduce the idea that the ancient Indian practice of hatha yoga can free up blocked energies in our bodies and minds. The use of proper breathing techniques and a series of body postures facilitates health, expands the heart center, activating a sense of peace and vitality. Another source for developing empathy is through consciously dealing with the truth of our own suffering.
Following a spiritual path nurtures our empathic qualities. Those who persevere discover greater transparency in themselves and a deeper love for others.
In Part III, The Adoring Audience, I describe the golden circle of followers and devotees that the high-level narcissist creates. Inside the circle is a sacred space reserved for handpicked members who believe that the narcissist is the source from which their identities and feelings of worth flow.
A classic case of mentor worship is described in the relationship between architectural genius Frank Lloyd Wright and his elaborate circles of admirers. In his tempestuous personal life Wright had several wives and a mistress. His last wife, Olgivanna, sacrificed herself to perpetuate Wright’s greatness, inviting the world to worship him as a god.
Some high-level narcissists have accumulated, earned, or inherited great wealth. Many of them use money and its privileges as perfect bait to draw the chosen to their inner circle. Wealth is the balm and lure that attracts and holds prospective and long-term members of this elite group. The ugly side of this cozy equation is revealed in the sacrifice of self, and the abuse and humiliations that many members endure in exchange for their privileged status.
Many of those who live with or work for a high-level narcissist recognize that they are leading their lives through someone else. They have squelched their creativity, drive, and identities for a tyrant. They are counterfeits with pleasing ways designed to keep their master narcissistically fulfilled. When the final blows are struck and the curtain of disillusionment has fallen, some exhausted and distraught followers switch roles from adoring believers to intimate enemies.
In Part IV, Response to the Great Performer, I offer specific rules of engagement that will maximize all of your interactions with the high-level narcissist. The source of your success is keen awareness of your own core psychological issues. Feeling secure within yourself and psychologically grounded is essential. Stay mindful in the present moment with the issue at hand. Honor your moral and ethical values. There are rules for dealing with the boss and the boardroom. Outfox the high-level narcissist by taking the initiative, defending yourself without being defensive, and always have plans B, C, and D ready for execution.
In the last chapter, “Beyond Narcissism,” I invite the reader to travel to another land, to a quiet spaciousness that puts life in a clearer, simpler perspective. We will build a bridge together that will transport you beyond the ego-driven frenzy of the narcissistic world. Here you can learn how to become more still and peaceful inside. One method is the practice of meditation. I offer specific suggestions for starting a meditation practice.
Those who open this door are encouraged to drop their egos, remove false masks, and live authentically. Beyond narcissism there are no boundaries. Knowing this, we experience ourselves as unique living fragments of an evolving, dynamic, beatific whole.
In numerous conversations when I describe the character traits of a high-level narcissist with friends and acquaintances, I frequently hear: “Oh my God, that was my former boyfriend. The best thing I ever did was leave that egotistical, deceitful bastard” or “That’s my lying, demanding ex-wife to a tee” or “You just described my mother-in-law, a self-absorbed perfectionist; nothing’s ever good enough for her” or “That two-faced scum; everyone thought he walked on water. During our entire marriage he never missed an opportunity to have an affair, a fling, or a one-night stand. When I finally became ill and couldn’t tolerate it anymore, I asked him for a divorce. I picked the wrong lawyers and got completely screwed financially. I can only be grateful that this horrible man is out of my life.”
To survive and flourish, we all need healthy narcissism. This is a positive feeling of self-worth. A person with healthy narcissism has a firm realistic sense of self. By respecting and caring for ourselves, we acknowledge that we are unique and valuable human beings. We can love others only if we possess healthy self-love. Having compassion for ourselves, we learn to forgive our mistakes, big and small. When we falter and fail as imperfect beings, healthy narcissism allows us to acknowledge our waywardness without defensiveness and to make necessary changes in our behavior and attitudes. It carries us along with a sense of hope and optimism. Those who have a quality of balanced self-love also possess a spontaneous bedrock of humor that is simultaneously capable of viewing both the unadorned truth and the comic absurdity of life.
It should be noted that many high achievers are not narcissistic personalities. They are bright, motivated, and talented—driven to be their best. They are capable of love and intimacy with spouses, partners, children, relatives, and friends. They possess a self-effacing manner despite their worldly achievements and the exalted opinions of others. They know and accept that they are imperfect human beings. Alongside their talents and many accomplishments, these individuals display warmth, conscience, and kindness.
Unhealthy or pathological narcissism moves along a different track. The narcissist is deceptive and manipulative in all of his relationships. The sine qua non of pathological narcissism is an obsessive self-absorption combined with the inability to experience genuine empathy toward others. The word narcissism originates from the myth of Narcissus. In this ancient story the nymph Echo falls in love with the beautiful youth Narcissus. Becoming very angry when Narcissus does not return her love, Echo asks Aphrodite, the goddess of love, to take revenge by making Narcissus the victim of unrequited love. One day while walking through the forest, Narcissus kneels beside a spring to drink. As he gazes into the clear waters, he sees a youth so handsome that he falls hopelessly in love with him. He becomes so obsessed with this apparition that he can neither eat nor drink. He dies of starvation, never realizing that the nymph he sought was his own reflection in the water.
Picasso—the enunciation of his name evokes primal images of the man and his art. The two are inseparable from each other. Whether manically working in his studio on his latest painting motif (often of women with whom he was beginning, having, or ending affairs), on vacation en famille with a mistress nearby, or at the bullfights posing in white, riveted to the ancient bloody spectacle, Picasso always stole the show. He controlled the life scripts of his players—wives, mistresses, girlfriends, children, business associates, enemies—as facilely and deliberately as he created his paintings, drawings, etchings, and ceramics. When Picasso was present, the sun was out and the crowd gathered. It was carnival, fiesta—an endless raucous party. Along with the light of his talent, Picasso harvested a violent unrelenting darkness upon others in the form of stabbing emotional abandonment, chronic deception, sexual sadism, psychological coldness, and steely revenge.
Pablo’s greatest artistic masterpiece was in “being Picasso.” Even at the age of eighteen this famous narcissist was already openly expressing his inflated sense of self-importance. Before leaving his parents and friends for Paris to realize his dreams of artistic greatness, Picasso displayed a self-portrait “with the inscription Yo Rey—‘I the King.’ “3 It was one incident in a multitude of scenes from Picasso’s life in which he extolled his belief in his superior, demigod nature.
Pablo was notorious for collecting mistresses and lovers, as if harvesting fragrant, exotic flowers for a celebratory bouquet. In his ninety-one years Picasso produced tens of thousands of works of art, two wives, four children, numerous lovers and mistresses. Françoise Gilot, a gifted art student, likely played his most favored mistress, muse, and companion in art.
Françoise grew up with a father who was difficult, demanding, and very disappointed that she had not been born a son. He made her perform physical feats that scared her—climbing up and down hills, swimming tremendous distances with greater and greater speed. Françoise substituted her extreme fear for anger and resentment. Françoise learned to love the seduction of danger, and this included her decision to share her life with Picasso. It was both a challenge and a dangerous thrill. Françoise met the master when she was twenty-one and he was sixty-one. Young, naive, and seduced by his talent and sheer dynamic force, Françoise began to meet with Picasso, although he was still married to (but separated from) Olga Khokhlova, his first wife, a former ballerina. Olga had become a pariah to Picasso with her obsessional rantings and constant spying on her estranged husband and his newest lover. After they had lived apart for a while, Françoise could no longer resist Picasso. She moved in with him, and eventually they had two children, Claude and Paloma. In her intimate and revealing biography, Life with Picasso, Françoise quotes his deprecatory words toward women: “For me there are only two kinds of women—goddesses and doormats.”4 Gilot replies: “And whenever he thought I might be feeling too much like a goddess, he did his best to turn me into a doormat.”5
In his personal relationships with women, Picasso insisted that he alone was the central current of their desire. He reveled in orchestrating cruel and psychologically pernicious scenarios in which women would vie for his attention and actually fight over him. On one occasion, Picasso instigated and witnessed a physical fight between his voracious young lover Marie-Thérèse Walter and Dora Maar, a current girlfriend and intimate. Like any classic narcissist, Picasso was able to dispose of women who no longer served him. Pablo arrived at a solution for dealing with past wives: “Every time I change wives I should burn the last one…. They wouldn’t be around now to complicate my existence.”6
With Picasso, those closest to him in particular had to be well trained and ever ready for combat. He loved to create snares and traps that made others feel small and inadequate. Gilot points out that to gain Picasso’s respect, you had to play the part of worthy opponent “because life for Pablo was always a game one played with no holds barred.”7 Watching the many people that Picasso tricked and humiliated, Françoise survived his ruses: “And so I learned very early that no matter how fond you might be of Pablo, the only way to keep his respect was to be prepared for the worst and take action before he did.”8
During complex liaisons and emotionally damaging, sadistic games, Picasso would tell each of the women that he wanted to be exclusively with her and then turn around and repeat the same lie to the other partner. Simultaneously, he painted each woman in a motif and style that depicted whether she was rising or falling from his sexual and romantic ardor. Layers of intrigue and cruelty against women were devised by Picasso to inflict pain and to demonstrate his absolute control over them, much like the haughty pirouettes of a matador during a triumphant pass with a bleeding bull.
With all of her devotion to Pablo’s art and his life and their children, Françoise finally recognized that this master artist was incapable of true empathy and tenderness: “and then gradually [I] came to realize that human warmth was something I would never get from Pablo.”9 When Françoise gave clear indications that her separation from Picasso was becoming imminent, he derided her, saying that she would never be recognized or appreciated as an individual but always be seen solely as a person attached to a great and talented man. He fueled the tirade: “Even if you think people like you, it will only be a kind of curiosity they will have about a person whose life has touched mine so intimately…. For you, reality is finished…. If you attempt to take a step outside my reality—you’re headed straight for the desert.”10
Picasso was not finished. He devised an exquisite signature revenge for Françoise. He convinced her that the two of them were destined to get back together. He insisted that Françoise obtain a divorce from her husband, Luc Simon, promising marriage and the legitimization of Claude and Paloma. Françoise proceeded, believing that she would be reunited with Pablo. Françoise obtained the divorce. She waited. One morning while reading a newspaper, she discovered that Pablo had precipitously married Jacqueline Roque. The shock and betrayal of this ignominious act was crippling, but Françoise survived. In the end the woman triumphantly still standing was Françoise Gilot. It was she who had severed the relationship with the master. And it was she who moved forward as an artist and an independent woman.
Marina Picasso, Picasso’s granddaughter, speaks frankly of the profound effects of her grandfather’s cruelty and negligence on her personally. Everyone else’s life had to stop in midair—their activities, feelings, thoughts, words—on the oscillating winds of Picasso’s moods, whims, vanities, passions, impulsivities, and perversities of the moment. Each one of Marina’s closest family members was left broken, crushed, or eventually destroyed by this man. Marina observes: “No one in my family ever managed to escape from the stranglehold of this genius.”11 Her father, Paulo (Picasso’s son), a chronic alcoholic, spent his days haplessly begging Picasso for sustenance to keep food on his family’s table. He was a lifelong captive of his father’s predictable inflictions of shame and degradation. In every way, spoken and unspoken, Picasso never missed an opportunity to let his son know just what a worthless failure he was and would always be. Unable to separate himself psychologically from Picasso and activate his individuality, Paulo remained tied to his father like an infant sucking on a cold mother’s milkless teat. In the end, Paulo drowned in the alcohol that he had used so long to remove himself from the pain of not being loved. The sweet but deadly oblivion that he sought finally consumed him.
The brilliant Picasso sun at the center burned others in exquisite ways. His former wife and ballerina, Olga, counted her days as an emotional and physical invalid, desperately searching the past for happier times when she was Picasso’s woman. Emilienne, Picasso’s daughter-in-law and reluctant mother to Marina and Pablito, infused her imagination with blatant fantasies of Picasso’s desire to seduce her. Every in and out breath was attached to Picasso. Emilienne, the promiscuous adolescent mother, was incapable of providing any semblance of protection and care for her children. Pablito (Marina’s brother), lost and unloved by father, mother, and grandfather, clung to Marina as long as he could. Finally, he took his short life by drinking bleach, bleeding himself out. Marina, the survivor, spent much of her life unsuccessfully seeking her grandfather’s love and approval. The childhood image is that of an urchin clutching her brother Pablito’s hand as they stand at the elaborate heavy gates of Picasso’s latest castle. The face is prematurely knowing and forlorn. Even at the tenderest age, Marina understood she was not welcome. Marina triumphed over what she calls the Picasso virus to become a humanitarian to starving and needy orphans.12
Narcissistic individuals are often very successful and innovative in their professional lives. This was the case with Pablo Picasso. Combining God-given talent and enormous drive, Picasso transformed the face of modern art. In his personal life he exploited and abused the women around him and abandoned his children. Ultimately, it was the power he achieved and the adulation of the world, which he craved, that mattered to him as much as his need to create. Near the end of his life, Picasso produced a self-portrait that tells us everything about this narcissistically vengeful man. In this painting, the artist has ripped off his final mask. “It was the face of frozen anguish and primordial horror…. It was the horror he had painted and the anguish he had caused and which, in his own anguish, he continued to cause.”13 Beneath the adoration, fame, and talent, one beholds the distorted wretched face of a desperate madman.
In this book I focus on the high-level narcissist, the omnipotent, grandiose, often charismatic individual of overreaching ambition and palpable hubris. He games at life rather than living it. The height and breadth of his stack of poker chips and the lush green of his winnings are all that matter. Showing disingenuous compassion or concern for others is a clever stage act the high-level narcissist uses to convince others to play his game. Most people are fooled or seduced by the narcissist’s heady promises. Often financially very successful with the privileges of material largesse, the narcissist becomes an object of desire for those who live in simpler, duller circumstances. Many individuals are so impressed with the financial and social status of a narcissist that they become willing worshipers. Whether you are sleeping with him, working for him, or believe you are a member of his inner circle, the sole purpose of his relationship with you is always about his winning and the rewards that flow from you to him alone.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR), published by the American Psychiatric Association, is a professional guide used by clinicians for diagnosing a wide variety of mental disorders. It is a comprehensive diagnostic tool with certain limitations. The DSM-IV-TR is descriptive in nature. Diagnoses are based heavily on listing specific symptoms and pathological behaviors rather than focusing on psychodynamic unconscious pathological issues associated with the full spectrum of life beginning in early childhood. It does not address the inner psychic core of these individuals.
The DSM-IV-TR outlines character traits and behaviors for diagnosing an individual as a narcissistic personality disorder:14
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement—i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Narcissists are complex human beings. They come in all flavors and sizes. They are male and female, young and old, wealthy and poor, smart and not so bright, educated and uneducated, sophisticated and unworldly. Although they are defined by distinct personality traits, there are gradations and shades among them. Like the subtlest differences in a palette of color or range of notes on a scale, each narcissist is sui generis.
There are high- and low-level narcissists, and layers in between. The low-level narcissist has a personality constellation similar to his more “successful” brother, but his diminished level of functioning in a career and social relationships is striking. He has difficulty driving himself to reach the higher peaks of achievement. He suffers a deficit of the steely confidence of a supernarcissist. He is afraid of taking risks that are crucial for landing the big fish. Absent the charm and charisma so palpable in the high-level narcissist, he is much less talented at seducing and manipulating others. The low-level narcissist suffers from chronic depression that breaks through his imperfect defenses.
Todd, an assistant film director, never feels at ease. He is always secretly afraid that a more aggressive player will come along and usurp the power that he has struggled to gain. Those who work for Todd dread his presence. He is known for making unrealistic demands on his colleagues and employees. Unwilling to compromise, he often gets into nasty disputes with his bosses, insisting that the right answers and solutions to problems reside with him alone. These rigid personality traits continually abort his professional climb. He loses prospective jobs. With each failure, Todd experiences dark moods that become debilitating. He drinks to excess to dissipate hidden feelings of failure. Todd appears to recover enough to pursue another project. In his personal life Todd is secretive and deceptive. Todd chooses partners who are needy and masochistic. Incapable of true intimacy, he uses women to make himself feel sexually potent and psychologically dominant. When they finally grow tired of his constant demeaning attacks, Todd eagerly replaces them with a new face and body. Todd stumbles through life falling short—believing that he is superior but never obtaining the heady goals he knows he deserves. Todd can be described as a low-level narcissistic personality.
Some self-obsessed, indulgent individuals appear to be narcissistic. Their constant self-referential statements and need for attention and applause can lead you to believe this is the case. Observing them more carefully, we notice that they are capable of empathy and warmth. They have the ability to give, to understand, and to reach out when someone is in pain or need. The self-absorption and demands for attention so prevalent in their behaviors are unconscious defenses they use to ward off buried feelings of worthlessness and deprivation. They may be neurotic, histrionic, or a combination of different disorders, but they are not narcissistic personalities.
The borderline personality suffers from a profound fear of abandonment. He tends to develop intense interpersonal relationships that contain highly charged emotionality. He may desperately fuse with an intimate one moment and, in the next, turn aggressively hostile. Borderlines are terrified of being alone and constantly feel a sense of impending psychological annihilation. Inside, they experience a pervasive feeling of intolerable emptiness. Impulsive and susceptible to rapid mood shifts, they are known for swift forays into sexual- and substance-abuse acting-out behaviors. Their feelings of incessant desperation are often demonstrated in dramatic suicidal gestures. Beneath their extraordinary personal ordeals, the borderline can empathize deeply with the psychological pain of others.
Narcissists are incapable of empathy. When they extend themselves, it is all part of an elaborate act that enhances their image as a “good person.” The defenses of the borderline are tenuous at best, exposing deep fissures of vulnerability to the slightest changes in their environment. Unlike the narcissist who defends himself with a strong sense of entitlement and superiority, the borderline never feels that life is going smoothly. He is continually in a state of flux, with the sands always shifting beneath his imperiled feet.
In making a distinction between the narcissist and the antisocial personality (psychopathic, sociopathic, dyssocial personality disorder), it is essential to note that the major clinical feature of the antisocial personality, according to the DSM-IV-TR, is “a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood.”15 These individuals often have a history of conduct disorder.16 This psychological disturbance is diagnosed before the age of eighteen. It is defined by aggressive and harmful behavior to humans and animals. They are often bullies who are physically violent and use various weapons to harm others. They engage in theft, breaking into homes, places of business, and cars. They often con people out of money and property. When they commit crimes and transgress societal laws and mores, they feel no sense of guilt or remorse.
The antisocial personality consistently commits in unlawful acts, refuses to obey society’s laws, and flagrantly behaves in destructive patterns that frequently require arrest and punishment. It is not unusual for them to destroy the personal property of others and to be involved in illegal professions. They wantonly jeopardize the safety of others. They neglect their children and other members of their family, treating them with indifference and abuse. They view their victims as stupid or foolish. The antisocial personality lies in a malevolent way. Not only is he unempathic, he holds a cold contempt for others. He is aggressive and recklessly impulsive, endangering his own life and those who surround him. Unlike the narcissist who is obsessed with his image, the antisocial personality places little value on his public persona or whether he is held in esteem or damnation.17
Jesse was so handsome as a little boy that he could be described as beautiful. Perfectly formed, with delicately sculpted features, he looked as if he belonged in a full-page color layout in a slick fashion magazine. At age three, Jesse was cocky. He knew he was adorable and good-looking. No one ever said no to him. His father, Spence, was often out of town, “doing deals.” Jesse grew up being told by Spence that the name of the game was survival and that the law was there to be circumvented not obeyed. The boy learned early that it was always best to make quick, easy money. Adhering to laws was inconvenient and slow; they were made to be broken. His mother, Felicia, worshiped her son and set no limits. She dismissed his repeated cruelties to playmates and his coarse rudeness with adults. Jesse learned to steal early. He pilfered candy and small items at first, distracting clerks with his twinkling cobalt-blue eyes. In his teens he broke into houses with a school friend, taking valuables with the deftness and casual attitude of a hardened criminal. Often truant, he used his gifts of persuasion with teachers to maintain passing grades. Felicia idolized her son and continued to make excuses for him when he broke the law or injured others. He was a masculine idol with young women. He fathered several children, whom he abandoned without a wisp of conscience. On several occasions, he forced himself physically on unwilling female partners. He intimidated his victims by threatening bodily harm if they spoke up. He called these incidents “fooling around,” not rape.
In his early twenties, Jesse, now a full-blown antisocial personality, graduated to sophisticated white-collar crimes that involved trapping naive affluent people into high-risk investment funds that were bogus and unlawful. By the time the unwitting investors discovered that their savings had been drained, Jesse and his criminal partners had vanished. Armed with new identities, they plotted and designed sticky new webs for fresh victims.
In this book I take a psychodynamic approach to analyzing the taproots of the narcissistic personality. By “psychodynamic” I mean the complex interplay between conscious and unconscious emotional and mental processes that create and sustain the individual personality. A foremost contemporary school of psychoanalytic theory, which includes extensive research and therapeutic application, is called object relations. The word object means “other” (mother, father, surrogate parental figure). “Object relations” refers to the earliest relationships of infants and young children with their parent(s). From birth the full range of interactions between parent and child and the spectrum of emotions attached to them are internalized into the child’s developing psyche. Emotions communicated between mother (or surrogate parents) are both pleasurable and frustrating. The great psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg, explains it this way: “More specifically, from birth on, our relations with significant others, under the impact of strong affects (emotions), are internalized as affective memory. These basic affective memories contain the representation of the self, the representation of [the] other—called ‘object’ in object relations theory—and the dominant affect linking them.”18
In the last fifty years there has been a dramatic shift, a sea change, in the occurrence and recognition of psychological disturbances from neuroses to personality disorders, which include narcissism. Freud treated patients who suffered from hysterical symptoms (physical symptoms with psychological origins), neuroses, and obsessive-compulsive disorders. In the thirties and forties neurotic maladies were prevalent. Today, psychoanalysts, psychiatrists, and psychotherapists are seeing a plethora of patients who suffer from disturbances of the self. Prominent among these are borderline conditions and narcissistic disorders, pathological constellations rooted at the very core of the personality.
Most narcissistic personalities never seek psychological treatment. They are comfortable with themselves, feeling no need to change. When others around them are suffering from his horrendous conduct, the narcissist scratches his head with insouciance and wonders why there’s such a fuss. Narcissists blame their intimates, labeling them demanding, spoiled, dependent, and mentally unstable. Why should a narcissist endure the painful hours of humiliation, self-doubt, the reliving of traumas connected with the therapeutic process. Why would he want to level with himself and come clean. Why should he acknowledge and take responsibility for the pain he has caused others. Why would he expose his weaknesses to a probing professional. The narcissist belongs to a different psychological faith, whose first commandment is to never prostrate oneself on the altar of truth.
Present-day society reinforces the narcissist’s inflated self-image by handsomely rewarding him with worldly power, enormous salaries, and perks. Some professions naturally attract narcissists. Two fields in particular—entertainment and politics—provide endless opportunities for narcissists to activate and be rewarded for their unique personality traits. Of course, not all individuals in these professions are narcissistic. Being the object of adulation as a result of appearing in a movie or on a television screen is the ultimate fantasy for many narcissists. What can be headier than to have one’s visual image flashed across the world.
Currently, the line between actor and politician has blurred. Like actors preparing for a part, politicians hire professional speechwriters, coaches, spin masters, and handlers to guarantee that they will deliver “the message” that elects them to office. Today’s politicians are obsessed with image—razor-cut hair, custom toupees, firm chin and jaw lines, expertly coordinated wardrobes. Gestures, body moves, folksy stories, even certain kinds of smiles are scripted. Winning mantras and gag lines are practiced religiously. Candidates crowd the TV cameras, excitedly waiting to deliver their best sound bite of the day. On television, in movies, and in magazines we are assailed by the external image. Physical attractiveness has become an essential ingredient of success. Beauty and handsomeness are equated with winning and monetary achievements. The deification of self has emerged as a dawning New Age religion. The constant pressure to achieve a perfect face and body are symptomatic of this era of narcissism. Aesthetic imperfections—cottage-cheese thighs; asymmetrical, small, or sagging breasts; large noses; wrinkles or age spots—have become a subject of ridicule that produces intense shame among women in particular (even those in their twenties and thirties). Visual signs of aging are feared and detested. Grandma and Grandpa are hidden and often warehoused in old-age homes long before their time. They are an embarrassment in a society that worships externals: flat stomachs; unwrinkled, taut flawless skin; razor-sharp jowlless chin lines; perfectly matched breasts; full lips; pumped muscles; invisible veins; hairless ears and nostrils; luxurious thick manes of hair. In this culture no one dies—they get a face-lift. Women, horrified by gaining weight, are trapped in dangerous cycles of starvation, bingeing, and purging. Repulsed by the slightest weight gain, they punish themselves with strenuous exercise and voluntary starvation that perpetuate self-hatred in secret. The pursuit of the perfect image has supplanted the quest for something quieter, less visible, and more meaningful—personal integrity and truthfulness.
Today we are surrounded by narcissists. On the illuminated stage of life they are movie and television stars, CEOs, politicians, attorneys, physicians, business moguls. Closer to home, they are our spouses, ex-spouses, lovers, partners, parents, in-laws, siblings, and friends. Facing down the narcissist eye-to-eye, while remaining psychologically grounded and true to ourselves, is a daunting task.
The houselights go down, audience whispers cease, the curtain goes up—the spotlight shines on the actor at stage center—the show begins. This is the metaphor for the narcissistic personality. He always plays the starring role, performing brilliantly with believability and flourish. He has rehearsed his lines all of his life: every word, nuance, tone. This is his magic moment. He becomes energized, electrified as he basks in the glory of the full attention of the audience. If the focus wavers away from him even for a moment, he skillfully brings it back to himself. With the spotlight on him once more, he is fully recharged as he deeply inhales all the adulation and praise, the psychological air that he breathes.
It is ten P.M. The crew started at six A.M. They have been working sixteen-hour days, seven days a week for over a month. Darryl, an independent film producer, has summoned them to the conference room for a meeting. The current project is over budget, and he is fuming. But then, no one is surprised. As far as Darryl is concerned, the sun rises and sets on his countenance; he owns the moon and the stars. The crew is well compensated for their work on his film projects. But how can you put a price tag on missing a daughter’s soccer tournament, not being able to attend an important meeting with a son’s teacher, postponing a wedding anniversary, or, most of all, being abused on a daily basis?
Darryl is always late, even to his own meetings. He read in some book on management that the person who arrives last has the most power. This move is designed to make the statement that his time is more valuable than anyone else’s. Darryl enters the room with authority. He is expensively dressed as usual, impeccably groomed. His face glows with a perpetual tan. After sixteen hours, there isn’t a hair out of place, not a wrinkle in his suit. His straight white teeth gleam with a just polished look. Tall, erect, unbending, he stares into the exhausted, apprehensive faces of his crew. He begins with an explosion about a budget overrun. One man in particular is singled out for humiliation. The real blame belongs to one of Darryl’s drinking buddies, who has a reputation for careless and irresponsible financial management. But the truth is of no importance. Above all, Darryl must protect his image and reputation and that of his friend. Darryl’s attack is relentless and sadistic, leaving its victim and all his associates in a state of terror. Darryl knows he has won; his troops acquiesce once more. He strides out of the room in triumph, still king of his domain.
“Conversations” with narcissistic personalities are always onesided: he talks; you listen. There is no give and take, no real interchange, no communion of thought or feeling. You are the captive audience. The narcissist erupts in a continual flow of information about himself, his accomplishments, successes, tributes. Bottomless and boundaryless, there is no end to the repetitive rhythms of self-reference. Like spring water rushing over the precipice of a roaring river, neither the space of a breath nor a heartbeat can disrupt the narcissistic flow.
Narcissists are walking advertisements for themselves. They name-drop incessantly, never missing an opportunity to tell you about their protean successes. Many of them are social and intellectual snobs who denigrate those whom they view as less educated, ill born, or culturally unsophisticated. Roger, a shopping mall magnate, attended a business dinner celebrating a world-famous architect. Expecting to be placed next to the guest of honor, Roger was chagrined to learn that he was seated next to me, the wife of the co-developer of the commercial project. I politely introduced myself. He appraised me with cold, dull eyes, as if I were some reprobate harassing him in a large public square rather than an adjacent dinner guest. He vaguely mentioned that he was a business associate of the main contractor. Throughout the dinner I made repeated, fruitless attempts to engage Roger. His form of communication was a series of verbal excursions into the hallowed world of his private contemporary art collection. He was effusive in describing his prized paintings in excruciating detail. He drooled over the clever schemes he had hatched to obtain them. I spoke of my love for classical art and my appreciation for the great European masters. Roger shot me a disparaging glance, as if to say: “You naive little twit. Don’t you understand that these so-called great masters are irrelevant and passé?” Roger spoke to me as if he was correcting a small misguided child. His manner was rude and condescending. He spent the rest of the dinner regurgitating tales of his brilliant recent acquisitions. As soon as the opportunity arose, Roger bolted from the table to pursue other guests who would measure up to his level of aesthetic sophistication.
The narcissist takes up a vast amount of psychological space, leaving room only for himself. In his presence, one is unable to breathe or move; all the available oxygen has been taken up by his self-entrancement. At a business meeting or social gathering, he is the center of attention. There is no reality but his. Those who associate closely with this type of individual often feel that they are leading his life rather than their own and that his life is more valuable than theirs. When a narcissist turns his attention on you, the move is calculated. He has something specific in mind that will benefit him. You are a living conduit for the gratification of his narcissistic supplies—power, wealth, prestige, sexual thrills, adoration. These are the psychological foods that temporarily satiate the narcissist’s voracious appetite.
When you meet a narcissist, he is asking himself, “What can this person do for me? How will I use him to achieve my goals?” A successful narcissist deludes others into believing that he is genuinely interested in them. It appears that you are the most important human being he has ever met. The target of such intense attention can be fooled by this charming scoundrel. When it becomes evident that you are of no value to him, there is nothing swifter than the narcissistic brush-off, sometimes subtle, often abrupt. What appeared to be a vital link with the narcissist has just been expertly severed.
The narcissist lives in an intricate world of his making, dominated by inflated illusions of self-importance. His style is grandiose—like some peacock or wild turkey with feathers in full display. His version of reality bears no resemblance to the truth. Experiencing himself at the center of life, like a sun surrounded by encircling planets, the narcissist believes that everything flows from him. He is the first cause, the ultimate voice, the source of the river.
The narcissist fabricates delusions that protect his belief in limitless power. The narcissist holds fast to his bloated self-images, unlike flights of the imagination or fleeting moments of manic optimism that dissipate as passing chimeras of the mind. For him these are irrefutable and immutable truths. His core beliefs are unshakable: “There is nothing I can’t do, I have no limits. I’m perfect—everyone else is mediocre and inferior. I will win at all costs.”
The narcissist has an incredible sense of self-entitlement. Everything is about him and belongs to him. He smoothly oversteps the personal boundaries of others, mistreating, devaluing, and humiliating them to bend them to his will and his desires. He is the hunter; they are the prey. Like the dominant male lion of the pride, the narcissist knows that he deserves the first fruits of the kill.
The heroic narcissistic vision of self bears no resemblance to objective reality. The narcissist resides in a separate universe, keeping himself expanded like a human dirigible. Kevin, an orthopedic surgeon, was in the process of divorcing Sheila, his wife of twenty-five years. He had waited for this opportunity from the first months of their marriage. Once free, Kevin relentlessly pursued the next phase of his life with the younger woman he had been seeing on the side for some time. Throughout the divorce process Kevin acted with single-minded ruthlessness. He hired a “barracuda” to mine for legal loopholes and to keep his wife in a state of heightened fear. He fought every request Sheila made for fairness and conciliation. Kevin slapped as many legal and psychological obstacles in her way as he and his lawyers could muster. When the time for an equitable financial settlement arrived, he evaded federal taxes, lied about his true income, and seized the family home. Kevin was not only obsessed with winning the divorce battle but also with vanquishing his former wife. The reality that he had caused irreparable psychological and economic harm to his first spouse and their children never entered his mind. Only Kevin’s wishes and desires mattered.
Although he may be a malevolent human being, the narcissist believes that he is a “good person.” Blind to his deceptions and cruelties, he automatically plays the role of victim when he is accused of iniquity. Willis, a media executive, had been married to his wife, Ingrid, for seven years. During all this time he had several mistresses. He called them his best wives. They adored him and always had time to listen to his flurry of ideas and plans. They were both compliant and sexually adventurous. He wanted to be free of Ingrid and the daily travails of family life. Willis hesitated obtaining a divorce because he despised the idea of handing over even a penny to Ingrid and his children. He was infuriated by the prospect that his financial resources would be drained. In his community Willis was revered as a self-made man, devoted to his family. Desperately dependent and fearful, Ingrid stayed with Willis. Eventually, she became clinically depressed and was required to take large doses of psychotropic drugs to function day to day. Willis continually undermined his children’s relationship with their mother. He indulged them with gifts and special favors but was unavailable when they needed his time and attention. Despite his cruel neglectful behavior toward his wife, Willis’s acquaintances and friends and some members of Ingrid’s family viewed him as a caring father and husband. Willis had fooled almost everyone into believing that he was a “good person.”
The pursuit of limitless individual power has become an aspiration and lifelong goal. For psychoanalyst and philosopher Rollo May, the narcissistic personality has grown out of an obsession with the individual and individualism—the need to struggle and succeed above all else. Each person must stand and fight the battle on his own and ultimately win over his competitors. This is the attitude, according to May, that supports and promotes pathological narcissism. He describes the narcissistic philosophy that now prevails: “The myth of success consoled us in the difficulties of struggling to ‘rise’ to higher and higher positions…. When we had a pang of guilt at exploiting our fellow men, we could whisper to ourselves that we need not take the responsibility for others, that they must learn on their own, and this expression of individualism then relieved us of our guilt.”19
The epitome of this trend is the religion of celebrity in the entertainment business. Movie and television stars have become societal icons. Much of the public is captivated by every detail of their lives: marriages, divorces, adulteries, illegitimate children, sordid family secrets, brushes with the law. There is an exaggerated self-absorption among some celebrities in particular, reflective of a pervading narcissism that permeates the popular culture. Many of these individuals share the most intimate details of their lives, as if this information is profound or newsworthy. The cult of celebrity reduces the substance of life to empty trivialities.
The concept of limitless power is viewed as essential to private and professional success. Overemphasis on individual achievement has led to a culture of endless greed and cruel blindness to the needs of others. Rollo May describes these personalities: “The narcissistic patient…is the modern myth of lonely individualism. This person has few if any deep relationships.” He is “the depressed ‘man in the gray flannel suit.’ “20
High-level narcissists are handsomely rewarded for the very attributes that make them inconsiderate and demanding human beings: self-absorption, aggressiveness, hubris. This has occurred as a result of a devaluation of altruistic characterlogical traits over the acquisition of financial success, power, and fame. A substantial percentage of those who have achieved these new societal goals are narcissistic personalities. The public seeks them out as worthy role models. We are programmed to envy their success. They are fawned over and admired despite a delusional consciousness that rides high on the winds of self-adoration, outrageous demands, and excess indulgence. Receiving the world’s applause is the shining jewel in the narcissist’s crown. Setting himself apart from all the rest, he struts across the stage of life—cocksure. His ship leans at full tilt, all sails billowing, ego fully unfurled.
Opposite supernarcissist Pablo Picasso, Audrey Hepburn, the acclaimed movie star, did not suffer from this personality constellation. Thrust on the world’s center stage, possessing gifts of acting, beauty, and grace, Hepburn conducted her life with authenticity, compassion, and courage. Despite her celebrity and artistic achievements, Hepburn always carved a distinction between her public role as an actress and her private life as a growing, loving human being. Audrey held no delusions; she aspired to live with clarity and goodness.
Everyone fell in love with Audrey Hepburn—those enormous expressive eyes with their perfectly curved brows, radiating a compelling inner light. Bone thin, lithe from countless disciplined years of ballet, Audrey became a film star almost by accident. Raised under Nazi occupation during World War II, Audrey faced the daily realities of imminent starvation and repeated horrific scenes of violent death. Her mother, Ella, a controlling perfectionist, demanded more of her daughter than was humanly possible to achieve. This psychological wound was apparent in Audrey’s feelings of inadequacy and a belief that she was physically ugly. She resolved to work harder and longer than others, using her perseverance and will to make up for her perceived flaws and deficits.
With all of her professional success (an Oscar for best actress and five nominations), most of all Audrey wanted to be a mother. Her two marriages, the first to actor Mel Ferrer, the second to psychiatrist Dr. Andrea Dotti, produced sons Sean and Luca. Although these unions faltered and ended in divorce, Audrey devoted her time and energy to raising her children.
Throughout her life, Andrey was committed to alleviating the pain and suffering of others. For a number of years Audrey expressed her empathy for starving and sickly children directly though her work as a special ambassador for the United Nations Children’s Fund, traveling to Third World countries.
Robert Wolders, Audrey’s companion until the end of her life, speaks of her integrity and strength as she faced a painful and premature death: “She died not leaving anything unsolved…. She held no bitterness about her impending death, saying, ‘It’s not injustice, it’s the way nature is…. It’s the process.’ “21