But what the fox hath once got in his nose,
He’ll soon find means to make the body follow.
— WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE,
The narcissist is a master at extracting the pulp and juice of others—their time, talent, creative ideas, energies—to serve his purpose alone. When he has distilled the best from you and all that is of value to him, he discards the rest and moves on. All relationships with narcissistic individuals are exploitive. Believing that you have a real understanding with one of them is a blind illusion. Whether personal or professional, agreements, contracts, or covenants with narcissists are made to be broken.
Michael, an investment banker, and his wife, Marielle, an artist, had been married for fifteen years. Marielle was charmed from the beginning by Michael’s extraordinary confidence and ambition. Everything he touched blossomed. He had a knack for making money. She soon realized that Michael was ruthless and cruel when anyone stood in his way. Despite his selfishness and insensitivity, she became habituated to the lifestyle that her husband’s success provided—the trips, lovely homes, social access. For five years she had tried to get pregnant, unsuccessfully. At forty-one, she was very distressed by her failure to conceive. During this time Michael engaged in an affair with a professional associate twenty years his junior, while he professed his love for Marielle. When a sudden irresistible business opportunity in another state arose, Michael didn’t hesitate. He abandoned Marielle, a sterile, aging woman who could never provide him with children. Within two years he presided over a thriving business, a young wife, and a new baby. Michael never looked back. Relentless greed and a desire to project a younger, sexier persona, superseded all the suffering and heartache that he left behind. Past chapters of his personal history turned as quickly as leaves moved by gusts of wind.
A narcissist doesn’t waste time on those who cannot perform for him. By seduction or guile he draws to himself those who will feed his constant need for power and admiration. Narcissists use personal relationships as stepping-stones and way stations to success. They perpetually scan their environments, assessing their power positions, ever vigilant for those who will lead them to their next goal. The narcissistic personality values himself alone. Others are simply objects and vehicles who will satisfy his perpetual need for power and recognition. Throughout his personal and professional life, he betrays and manipulates everyone who crosses his path—spouses, lovers, children, business associates, friends.
The child of a narcissist must endure that he never had a real or loving parent. The mother or father that they revered and cherished was a counterfeit: on the surface, beautiful, handsome, charming, bright; on the inside, cold, disingenuous, enraged, empty. Many children of narcissistic parents struggle throughout their lives to obtain the love and acceptance their mother and/or father failed to provide. They suffer from the endless flickering hope that now or tomorrow or next year this mother or father will be different—capable of love. Some children idealize the narcissistic parent and strive to emulate him. This acts as a psychological defense against the intensely painful recognition that they were never and will not be cherished by this person whom they call a parent.
The narcissistic personality surrounds himself with individuals who act as extensions of himself. He fuses with those who will protect and expand his grandiose sense of self. When the time comes to discharge a member of the inner circle, he asks himself: “Is he of any further use to me? How will I dispose of him without causing myself any problems? Who is the replacement?”
As long as these supporting actors succeed in keeping their star shining brightly, the narcissist showers his blessings on them. Rewards take the form of money, prestige, professional opportunities, and special privileges. These blessings can be removed as quickly and abruptly as they were bestowed if the “master” is displeased or slighted. Those who work for or live with a narcissistic personality know that survival with him is always precarious. If luck holds and fate is kind, some chosen followers weather the unrelenting rages and demands that spill out of the narcissistic psyche.
There is always a time certain when a relationship with a narcissist will end. Followers are discharged when their gilt has faded. They have aged, become sexually and physically less attractive; their competitive edge is blunted; they have lost their slice of worldly power. Regardless of their years of loyalty and sacrifice, these faithful servants are coldly discarded, like trash thrown into a Dumpster. Eventually, calamity strikes; the hour of dismissal arrives. These are the moments when one is most at the narcissist’s mercy—a little child cowering in the corner. The moment you cease to satisfy his endless ego needs, the narcissist will dispose of you. If you thwart him, he may destroy you. His capacity to wreak havoc on one’s physical and mental health, reputation, personal relationships, financial status, can never be underestimated.
The narcissist is at all times a deceiver, never straight, clear, or true. He thrives in an illusive world of curves and meanders. He has mastered the ability to delude himself and others. Like a sorcerer, he hatches intricate plots in secret. He is the writer, director, producer, and actor of his unfolding drama. The proposal he brings to the table is never the “real deal.” Like a seasoned poker player, the narcissist knows how to bluff his rivals, when to raise the stakes, and when to fold. Cold-blooded in his approach, he masterminds an end game that devastates his adversaries, leaving him intact.
Emotionally detached and isolated, the narcissist is incapable of truly caring for someone else. This callousness allows him to launch plans that psychologically wound others if he perceives them as a threat. In his obsession to win at all costs, he is unencumbered by ethics or morality. Hurt feelings, financial ruin, blighted reputations, incipient illnesses, broken relationships, suicides—are the tragic residue of the narcissist’s endeavors. He leaves many lives in disarray and chaos, like bodies strewn on a battlefield. He coolly steps over these ravaged corpses to reach his destination. A narcissist cannot be loyal to another human being. The length of a relationship or its history is never a factor in how long it will last. At some point, determined by his wishes and desires, the relationship will come to an end. The narcissist will make his decisive move, leaving his partner, friend, or spouse bruised, battered, and abandoned.
Martin and Larry established a specialized medical practice several years after finishing their residencies. Using resources from their respective families, the partnership became successful within a short time. Martin was clever at attracting new patients. Socially gifted, a natural rainmaker, he spent a great deal of time becoming known in the community and establishing himself as one of its leaders. Although he was charming and appeared to be warm and friendly, this was a beguiling mask. Underneath, Martin was coldly ambitious. After several productive years, the partnership began to flounder owing to the growth of HMOs and the financial drain of several spurious lawsuits. Without telling his partner, Martin arranged to become the president of a large HMO. He abruptly informed Larry about his decision shortly before he planned to leave for a new position in another state. He promised Larry that he would always be available to support him through the transition period. Within a short time, Martin had vanished. The daily operation of the practice was left on Larry’s shoulders. After several very difficult years, Larry was forced to sell the practice at a loss, and eventually he filed for bankruptcy. The financial ruin that Larry endured had a deleterious effect on his physical health. He never completely recovered either economically or physically from his former partner and friend’s venal behavior. Martin thrived; he quickly and successfully became the president of an expanding HMO. As far as he was concerned, his former partner was a failure, an object of scorn and pity. Larry had become a bad dream, fading with first light, disappearing in the brightness of midday.
The narcissist puts his life in neat compartments that are sealed off from one another. He is able to activate self-identifications of vitality, superiority, success, and power. These are kept separate from the unconscious parts of himself that feel depressed, enraged, empty, and helpless. It is as if one side of the body is unaware of the sensations and activities of the other side. It is not unusual for a narcissistic personality to juggle a series of mistresses and wives with other peripheral affairs as well. Narcissists often have multiple marriages that produce different generations of children.
Practicing deception is common and customary among narcissists. These activities are viewed neither as betrayals of a marriage nor as psychologically damaging to a partner, spouse, or child. Donald, a plastic surgeon, had been married to Rita for only a year before he began an affair with Marilyn, a physician and colleague. Although his wife was pregnant when the affair began, Donald behaved like an unmarried man. When he was with Marilyn, the responsibilities of marriage and anticipated parenthood faded and dissolved. As the affair proceeded, Marilyn became more and more obsessed with marrying Donald. He kept her quiet by vaguely referring to a likely divorce in the future. Two years later he became irritated with her hysterical reactions and left her. A short time afterward, Marilyn committed suicide, leaving a note implicating Donald in her decision to kill herself. He was very upset—not because of this young woman’s tragic last act but because of the possibility of public exposure. Even in the face of his former mistress’s suicide, Donald was able to skillfully play the role of a happily married man with a loving wife and young child. He had mastered the art of compartmentalization, keeping those matters that could disturb him far away, locked in sealed, memory-tight, guilt-proof containers.
The narcissist cannot view himself objectively. Incapable of insight or self-criticism, he bases his identity on the illusion that he is unique, that there is no one in the world with his special gifts and talents. This arrogance combined with blind ambition permits him to follow a chronic pattern of deception in all of his relationships. Deceit is a part of him, like the length of his fingers or the cadence of his speech. If he was not deceitful, he would not recognize himself. Deception defines the narcissist as much as compassion and truth identifies the saint.
The narcissist is ruthlessly single-minded in the pursuit of his goals. No human feeling, concern, fear, or tragedy obstructs his purpose. He doesn’t lose sleep at night over the human misery caused by his multiple cruelties. His underhandedness is deeply entrenched in the survival wars of childhood. It is an old weapon of defense against real and imagined enemies. As a child, the future narcissist learned that he must defeat his rivals at all cost and prove that he is a superior being. Deceiving them through seduction and trickery were the surest routes to victory. Along the way, this child learned how to win every time, even at the expense of his basic humanity.
A narcissist is a chameleon, taking on the shape, color, and texture of the environment around him. He is a facile actor, a quick study at sizing up a situation and turning it to his advantage. He is glib and smooth under immense pressure, especially when he is caught in a lie. A consummate actor, he plays his part masterfully, believing every word and gesture. When the curtain comes down and the spotlight dims, he leaves the stage and moves on to his next performance.
A pernicious type of narcissist presents himself as a spiritual mentor. Attractive, bright, charismatic—these individuals flourish within a current popular cultural phenomenon that I call “spiritual lite.” They practice pseudo-spirituality, presenting themselves as gurus who will ease your psychological pain, heal your physical maladies, and rescue your soul. Slick, smooth, and media-savvy, they write books, give seminars, and produce CDs, videos, Internet websites, and television presentations that offer visions of instant enlightenment, like a new brand of microwavable dinners. These narcissistic individuals are highly sophisticated and shrewd about human desires and weaknesses. They prey on the vulnerable who are lonely, have chronic emotional problems, or are bored with the monotony of their daily lives. Not so long ago, in his classic work The Culture of Narcissism, Christopher Lasch warned the West about these “teachers” and their rabid followers: “In a dying culture, narcissism appears to embody—in the guise of personal ‘growth’ and ‘awareness’—the highest attainment of spiritual enlightenment.”2
The gurus of spiritual lite fool most people. Many of them have stellar educations and glowing credentials on paper. They are physically attractive, socially adroit, gifted in the art of persuasion. The critical flaw is with their characters; they are narcissistic personalities, wolves in sacred clothing. These pseudo-gurus soothe and mesmerize prospective followers. They rely on the impatience of the restless, meandering Western mind, which is always looking for a quick fix to take away the pain. They assure you that you can keep your life just the way it is and still become spiritually evolved. They make promises: “Say this chant, repeat this mantra, gaze at that picture, and spiritual transformation will occur spontaneously, like a miracle. You don’t have to be disciplined or give up any of your old habits or material desires.”
Spiritual lite comes in a variety of packages: from plain brown wrapper to the most extravagant coverings, from a day’s workshop to a sumptuous cruise halfway around the world, to an ashram filled with gold icons. The price of attaining pseudo-spirituality can be high, with charlatans and con artists becoming materially very comfortable as a consequence. The most successful ones create entire industries of “spiritualization.” They proselytize through the constant flow of their DVDs, CDs, seminars, and retreats. Public speaking fees alone can land them tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars for a single event. I have seen the most sophisticated and educated individuals seduced by spiritual-lite narcissists.
True spirituality is the opposite of narcissism. Its purpose is to work through layers of delusion to the truth. Teachers on a spiritual path focus on you not themselves. An authentic spiritual person comes without fanfare; he is not waiting for the next closeup, speaking fee, or autograph. Genuine spiritual paths are filled with hard work, discipline, and supreme patience and perseverance. They contain many ruts, steep hills, and sheer cliffs. Spiritual progression is hard-won. The true guru is humble. He is attached neither to making large sums of money nor to becoming famous and powerful in the world. Spiritual lite will always be with us, as long as we believe and follow those who promise us peace and enlightenment as if it is a package of instant pudding—add milk and stir.
The narcissist is a tyrant who controls the world that he creates. He holds absolute power over his subjects, who have no rights of their own. Like a dictator, he writes arbitrary laws that everyone is expected to obey. He appears to delegate authority. This is a mis-perception. He surrounds himself with associates who answer only to him. The narcissist uses an intricate collection of carrots and sticks with employees and associates as tools of control. He promises to handsomely reward those who fulfill his wishes and demands with money, prestige, and power incentives. He says: “If you do what I ask, you will be powerful and special like me.” He holds up a high bar of expected achievement, beckoning prospective victims to play his game. When the goal is reached, the narcissist raises the bar and changes the rules. He sets up the game so that he always wins, and you always lose.
Irwin, a senior partner in a prominent civil litigation firm hired Charlotte as an assistant in his court cases. Charlotte was professionally well qualified; she had distinguished herself as a formidable adversary in the courtroom. Irwin promised her from the outset that she would share a percentage of the contingent fees from the cases she tried and won. Charlotte was a great asset to the firm and to Irwin in particular. Despite her success with all of her court cases, the promised percentage from Irwin was not forthcoming. When she confronted him, he explained that overhead expenses had increased substantially and that she needed more professional experience to earn her share of contingent fees. Irwin had made an agreement with Charlotte; she had reached the agreed-upon goal only to discover that there was no reward waiting at the other end. He had raised the bar, and set up the scheme so that he would always win and she would always lose. On a more cynical level, Irwin never had any intention of compensating Charlotte. From the beginning, he had decided to extract the maximum from her, using her talent and hard work to his benefit. When she became dissatisfied with this arrangement, Irwin would replace her with an eager young attorney naively willing to play the “raise the bar” game.
The narcissist is always aware of the end game—how he will dispose of a a partner, colleague, employee, wife, or mistress—when someone ceases to be of value. In his psychological world one person is interchangeable with another. The narcissistic personality adroitly finds a replacement who is prettier, handsomer, younger, more amusing, smarter, and more exciting than the last. Like a lightbulb that has burned out, the once prized individual is replaced by a new and shinier one.
The iron grip of the narcissist’s control extends to all the significant people in his life: spouses, lovers, partners, children, colleagues, employees. His grand plan is to perpetuate and maintain his personal and professional power. Those under his control are not free to lead their own lives, to make decisions and mistakes, to use their talents and energies, to have their own dreams. Their only purpose is to assist the narcissist in fulfilling his grandiose vision of himself.
The narcissist is a puppet master, pulling all the strings, deciding all the moves. The puppets come alive only in his hands. They have no power or influence by themselves. The master can bring a puppet into full light or leave him in shadow, remove him from the stage, discard him permanently, or destroy him. He is the ultimate authority.
The narcissistic personality controls others the way he was controlled as a child. The mother of the narcissist is often narcissistic herself. She projects on her child an image of omnipotence and perfection. She is incapable of accepting him as a distinct, authentic individual. She sees him through the distorted lens of the idealized image she has created. She remains tied to the picture of the perfect child she has molded. The child in turn never detaches himself from her psychologically. Mother and child remain tragically locked in an unbroken symbiosis.
Often very attractive, narcissists know exactly how to manipulate others. Combined with a stunning appearance and social polish is a compelling self-confidence. When the high-level narcissist focuses his charm on others, they feel more alive. He gives the impression that he understands you intimately and has your best interests at heart. This charm is seductive, containing a powerful sexual component. He communicates that “you are the most important person in the world. I know what you want, and I will get it for you.” He is clever at discerning the narcissistic needs of others. He presents himself as a savior who understands your deepest longings for attention and a sense of specialness.
Those who are enchanted by the narcissist believe that he holds the magic that will lift them out of their ordinary, predictable lives. Everyone wishes at one time or another to be rescued. We want someone else to take over for us, to love us unconditionally, to give us whatever we want. The wish to be adored is primary and irresistible. It reaches back into earliest childhood, when we were dependent on a mother’s love in order to survive. The narcissist, with his arresting charm and sheer force of personality, is capable of activating these deep wishes in others and in using his desirability to exploit them.
Sylvia will never forget the day she met Mike. It happened during a midsummer heat wave. She and her friends were sunning themselves at the beach. Sylvia went up to the refreshment stand to order lunch. She was aware of someone’s eyes on her. She looked up and saw a tall, broad-shouldered, tanned blond man with beautiful cornflower-blue eyes. He gazed into her eyes, never blinking. Sylvia felt the attraction immediately. At twenty-one, Mike exuded tremendous self-assurance. Other young men were timid or halting in their approach. Mike spoke directly, telling Sylvia that she was beautiful and that he wanted to go out with her. She knew that Mike was giving her a line, but she wanted to believe him. He was so gorgeous and sexy that she couldn’t say no to him. Shortly after their first meeting, Sylvia became intimate with Mike. As time passed, she found out that he was sexually active with several other women at the same time. Sylvia continued her intimate relationship with him, despite his deception. Every time she confronted him with his betrayals, he used his charm and sexual magnetism to convince her she was his only girl and that rumors about the other women were false. Mike knew he could get whatever he wanted with his personal allure. He had no genuine feelings for these young women. They were sexual objects. When the excitement of the chase waned, it was time to find and conquer the next challenge. More than the sexual gratification he received from these multiple sexual intimacies, Mike used these liaisons to fuel his grandiosity and inflate his sense of omnipotence.
Another narcissistic control strategy is based on assessing the other person’s ego weaknesses—desires for status, material possessions, admiration, recognition. He holds out enticements that he has no intention of honoring. The narcissist works through intimidation, knowing that the other individual is too afraid and insecure to confront him. In some instances, he uses implied threats that force a colleague or underling to capitulate to his will. The narcissist is a street fighter, quick to size up his opponent’s weakest spots. He thrives in a psychological environment of “kill or be killed.”
Lies roll off the tongue of a narcissist as smoothly as butter melting on hot bread. For him, lying is as natural as breathing. Even a trained observer, a therapist, can be fooled by these lies. A lie is a handy tool the narcissist uses to enhance and protect the image he has so painstakingly built. Lies are automatic; they flow from him as effortlessly as sweat coming through pores. The narcissist often believes his lies. For him there is no ultimate objective truth, only his carefully crafted version of reality.
Most of us have difficulty lying, whether by omission or commission. Lying makes us feel uncomfortable, as if something is fundamentally wrong. We have a powerful visceral reaction when we lie. Our hearts race, we sweat, we get dizzy, and adrenaline pumps through our bodies. When we lie, we feel ashamed. We wonder if our perfidies will hurt someone else or put them in jeopardy. Some of us avoid lying only because we are afraid of getting caught. The narcissist is not burdened by this fear. He knows he can lie and get away with it. Lying for him is like a shortcut on a crowded highway. It is a free ride in the fast lane that will get him to his destination more quickly and directly than telling the truth.
The narcissist insists that the way must be clear for him to move ahead. If the path is smoothed through his lying, that’s all right. He looks you right in the eye and lies without hesitation. He is glib with his lies; he shades the truth or tells an outright lie. He is a master at justifying lies to himself. Some people refrain from lying only because they fear retribution from an Old Testament God. This is not true for the narcissistic personality. He is shameless in his lying. He has priorities other than telling the truth. Lying for the narcissist is ego-syntonic, meaning that he is comfortable with this kind of behavior.
Narcissists lie through a mechanism called revisionism. They rewrite the history of an event, a contract, an agreement, or a relationship to secure their goals. They are particularly adept at reinventing their personal histories, creating heroic acts, even nobility, out of whole cloth. Like any good storyteller, the narcissist weaves a convincing tale that shades or perverts the truth. This story becomes his truth until it is no longer workable in supporting his aims. Famous narcissists write autobiographies that present their lives in the most positive light. These life histories are long and complex testimonials to self-aggrandizement. The infamous industrialist Armand Hammer wrote an autobiography replete with distortions and fabrications of his life calculated to enhance his image as a brilliant and great man. Many details presented as factual were the grandiose imaginings of a classic narcissistic personality.
Lying and evasion are a way of life for the narcissist. He exaggerates his accomplishments and minimizes his errors. He blames his mistakes on others, whom he knows are either too fearful or too dependent on him to protest. The narcissist uses stealth tactics and brilliant timing to disappear when trouble is brewing and magically reappear to receive accolades and tributes when awards are in order.
Sidney, a corporate attorney, shared the stewardship of an ailing company with two other executive officers. Although he contributed only minimal effort and time to his job, he held an influential position. He had been with the company from the beginning and harbored secret, incriminating information about their past and current financial affairs. He kept his power because he knew where “all the bodies were buried.” Sidney had the gift. Like a man with bionic eyesight, he sensed trouble in the distance long before it reached his shore. He always slipped away to safety before the storm hit. After the trouble had blown over, he returned to home base, his power intact. In the opposite way, Sidney would appear like a stealth bomber out of the empty blue sky when bonuses, awards, or tributes were passed out whether he deserved them or not. He had honed his exquisitely timed comings and goings to a high art form.
The narcissist uses a series of lies and misrepresentations to diminish and destroy the careers and reputations of his rivals. He is as desperate to hold his power as a hungry leopard or cheetah looking for a kill. The narcissist lives in a state of constant suspicion. Friends can suddenly become enemies in his world. He is always on guard, waiting for the late knock on the door, the ambush, the stab in the back. Lying for the narcissist is absolutely necessary, a matter of life and death. In his deluded reality, there are no lies only expediencies.
Children develop a sense of right and wrong from their parents. In the beginning, the young child idealizes his mother and father. As he becomes more separate psychologically from them, these idealized parental images are modified and become more realistic. A conscience develops over time as the growing child is able to take greater responsibility for his impulses and actions. The future narcissist never learns that there are moral or ethical limits to his behavior. His parents (mother and/or father) treat him like an extraordinary being—the most brilliant, creative, talented, handsome, beautiful child that ever lived—who is not subject to the rules and restraints placed on others. The parental message is: “You are perfect, you can do no wrong—anything goes.” From childhood onward, the narcissistic personality preserves this picture of his omnipotence and perfection. Psychologically frozen in infancy, the adult narcissist is a small, petulant child trapped in the delusions of toddlerhood. He throws tantrums if he doesn’t get what he wants. He cheats others if that is necessary to excel. He plots to destroy a colleague in a battle for a top spot. He’ll betray an old “friend” without a quiver of guilt. While the previous friend spends sleepless nights wondering what happened between them, the narcissist slumbers deeply without worry or care.
Margo, a middle-aged television producer, had worked tirelessly to obtain her position with a major network. After years of eighteen-hour days and a constant struggle for professional survival, she felt that she had finally “made it.” When her workload became unbearable, she hired Claudia, a twenty-six-year-old attorney and Ivy League graduate, as her new assistant. In the beginning, Claudia was obsequious, almost worshipful in her attitude toward Margo. She became deeply immersed in her job, surrendering herself to late-night and weekend hours. Claudia pursued Margo relentlessly. She learned all of the details of her personal life. She sat at Margo’s feet and looked up to her as a mentor. Margo trusted Claudia and shared many confidences with the younger woman, to the point of becoming emotionally vulnerable. In secret, Claudia plotted Margo’s professional demise. Over time, with exquisite calculation, she persuaded her superiors to put her in Margo’s position. Margo was shocked and traumatized by her demotion. She was kicked upstairs and removed from the senior executive track. Claudia moved inexorably forward the way she had always planned. There was no glance back at her fallen former friend. The summit was in sight. Claudia was taking what she deserved. For her there was no guilt—only the thrilling promise of a bright professional future.
The word ruth, which comes from Middle English, means “pity” or “compassion.” To be ruthless is to treat another person without mercy. Because of the narcissist’s skillful use of seductive charm and refined social graces, it is difficult for most people to believe that a narcissist can be cold and ruthless. When he wants something from you, he is purposely disarming, listening to your every word, focusing his attention on you like a laser beam. He gives you a rush, a feeling of excitement as if the most wonderful thing is about to happen to you. Often successful professionally, the narcissist may impress you with the fruits of his elegant lifestyle. He might bring you temporarily into his inner circle to dazzle you. The accoutrements of his power are compelling, even thrilling. But this is the lure, the bait, the trap.
Armand Hammer was an exploiter par excellence. Industrialist and entrepreneur he thrived on the ruthless manipulation of others. His style, though thinly convivial, was direct and forceful: more sledgehammer than velvet glove. In his personal life he acquired and disposed of an endless series of wives, mistresses, and girlfriends. He used his collection of female admirers to enhance his image as a powerful, brilliant, virile man who automatically magnetized women to him. For Armand, marriage was strictly a business deal. Incapable of shame or humiliation, he used the monetary resources of his second wife, Angela Carey Zevely, to finance a monumental cattle-breeding business. Ultimately, their union terminated in an ugly domestic and legal battle.
Frances Tolman was a lonely, childless, and wealthy widow of fifty-three when she read about Hammer’s acrimonious and very public divorce from Angela. Frances recalled that she had met Armand many years before, at a Hammer Galleries sale. She got in touch with him and offered her understanding and assistance. “Hammer, after ascertaining how wealthy she was, realized that there was something she could do for him: provide him with money.”3 Hammer put large sums of Frances’s personal money into his various business ventures, including the financing of Occidental Petroleum. Armand purposely pursued Frances, sweeping this naive middle-aged woman off her feet. As Armand’s third wife, Frances provided him with undiluted adoration and devotion. Frances served as Armand’s quiet shadow and silent, acquiescent servant.
Armand made sure that he was never photographed with Frances, despite the fact that the two of them had been married for many years. He always insisted on being at center stage in the spotlight, where his audience would focus strictly on him. Frances seemed to accept her role by saying that she didn’t like to be in the public eye. At a New York party celebrating Occidental’s initiation onto the New York Stock Exchange board, Frances spoke matter-of-factly about Armand: “My husband has a profound instinct for knowing who’s influential, wealthy, powerful, or famous. If you’re none of those, he doesn’t waste a second on you.”4
Armand’s true feelings for his wife, Frances, are dramatically played out in his behavior in 1987 in Moscow during a reception honoring three generations of Wyeths held at the Soviet Academy of the Arts in Leningrad. As Armand and Frances walked downstairs toward the receiving line, featuring Mikhail and Raisa Gorbachev, Frances slipped and fell to the ground. Without missing a beat, Armand abandoned eighty-three-year-old Frances, leaving her crumpled on the stairs, as he raced to have his picture taken with the Gorbachevs.
This mean, insensitive act, combined with an accumulated insight into Armand’s true motives toward her, finally gave Frances the impetus to become psychologically and financially separate from her husband. She began by changing her will in 1988. “She disinherited Armand and left all of her own property and her half share of community property to her sister’s daughter, Joan Weiss, with whom she had remained close over the years.”5 Another humiliation that emboldened Frances was her valid belief that Armand was continuing his ten-year affair with his current mistress, Martha Wade Kaufman, and planned to name her director of the Armand Hammer Museum. Despite her fervent desire for a divorce, Frances “feared what Armand might do even to an eighty-five-year-old woman whose usefulness had come to an end.”6 Frances achieved a certain independence from her ruthless, deceptive husband by finally leaving him. Sadly, her moment of freedom was short. Soon after, she became seriously ill and died. Hammer didn’t make the slightest effort to see her during her last illness, nor was he present at her death. Frances was of no further value to him monetarily. He had never loved her; he had used her. By the time Frances was dead, Armand was long gone, on the hunt for future bouquets of ever-increasing narcissistic rewards.
For ten years, Martha Wade Kaufman, one of Armand Hammer’s many mistresses, shared his affluent, peripatetic lifestyle. He purchased a love nest for her in Holmby Hills, California, where she was expected to “submit to the sexual demands of Hammer.”7 He provided her with a job and financial support and a promise that she would “never have to worry about money again.”8 In exchange for this arrangement, she was subjected to demeaning demands by Hammer. He insisted she change her name to Hilary Gibson and transform her physical appearance so radically that his wife, Frances, would not suspect their liaison. Hammer demanded that she “undergo various surgical procedures to facilitate impregnation by him—while he watched and directed.”9 She put her life in his hands and endured countless mortifications in order to participate as a supporting actor in the life of Armand Hammer: tycoon, art collector, supernarcissist.
Armand Hammer was a master at arranging business relationships that would lead to his reception of extravagant public accolades. At age seventy-two he decided he could become “a hero for all time”10 if he donated money to the Salk Institute, leading to a vaccine that would prevent cancer. Hammer knew that this would lead to a goal he had pursued relentlessly—winning the Nobel Prize. Hammer pledged $5 million with the understanding that a research facility would be established in his name (the Armand Hammer Center for Cancer Biology). Rather than acknowledge the reality that the development of a cancer vaccine was long-range and extraordinarily complex, Armand created an annual symposium of world cancer experts. He told his publicist: “Once they’re all in the same room, maybe they’ll get Salk to hurry up and invent the goddamned vaccine.”11 All that mattered to Hammer was that this achievement would provide him with a source of unending veneration as the man who had made it possible to rid the world of a virulent killer. Hammer as usual did not live up to his part of the donation agreement. After he died, a large number of lawsuits were filed against his estate. One of them was initiated by the Salk Institute, which Hammer owed $1,447,200 in uncollected promised donations.12 “Within a year, more than one hundred charities, museums, family members, and other individuals would make claims.”13 Hammer never intended to comply with his promises. As usual, they were empty. At the finale, Hammer had countless enemies and few admirers. His companions throughout life were manipulation and greed. He rode his final wave with the pomp and grandiosity of a decrepit bejeweled maharaja.
Ruthlessness begins with a pervasive insensitivity to the feelings of others. It grows slowly and surely in small, steady, almost imperceptible increments. It originates with the quality of the parents’ emotional and psychological responses to their child—their unconditional demands for perfection, their chronic detachment, and falseness. The mother of the future narcissist is often adoring and possessive but emotionally aloof and highly self-centered. She treats her child not as a separate, unique human being but as an object that she can shape in her likeness. Some mothers of narcissists appear to be affectionate with their children and deeply attached. However, this closeness is based not on the child as a person in his own right but on the mother’s narcissistic needs for approval, prestige, admiration, or power. As a result, the future narcissist is tragically divided between two selves: the outer shell of charm, grandiosity, and supreme self-confidence and the inner core of emptiness, rage, paranoia, and despair.
When ruthlessness runs its natural course toward destruction, it becomes treachery. Treachery is a profound betrayal of trust that causes grave harm to another human being. Treachery takes many forms; in the extreme, it ends life itself. Acts of treachery cause mortal wounds on the psyche that never heal, wounds that must be endured every day. Treachery tears a hole in our trust in life itself. After surviving this ultimate cruelty, we approach future relationships with doubt and suspicion. In the aftermath, we are always looking over our shoulder, waiting to be betrayed.
Treachery is the ultimate double-cross. It takes as many forms as there are individual personalities and life situations. We expect treachery among thieves and murderers. But there are so-called nice people who perpetrate treacheries. We think they are “nice” because we have misjudged them. On the surface, they are attractive, socially skilled, and successful. We are led to believe that they genuinely care about us. We mistakenly view these individuals through the tinted lens of charm, physical appearance, sexual magnetism, power, prominence, wealth, or status. This pretty package is a façade and a distraction. Beneath the impeccable, seamless image lies their true nature: cold, acquisitive, calculating.
Marcia grew up in a middle-class home, the eldest of two daughters. When she was age five, her parents went through a rancorous divorce. Her father had deserted the family several years earlier to live with another woman. He established a separate family with his new wife and severed his relationship with his ex-wife, Gretchen, and their children. After the divorce, Gretchen’s bitterness and desire for revenge against her ex-husband and all men was communicated to the children, to Marcia in particular. From the time she was little, Gretchen groomed her eldest daughter for success. She often told Marcia that she was special. She saw in her daughter the fulfillment of her own thwarted dreams of power and prestige. Several years after graduating from college, Marcia began working as a personal secretary to Paul, a media mogul. She became acquainted with her boss and his family, and in a short period of time she was described as indispensable. Despite his professional success, Paul, at sixty-three, was bored and restless. Much of his dissatisfaction was the result of an unhappy marriage. His wife, Catherine, was reclusive and emotionally fragile. Within six months, Marcia began an affair with Paul. Marcia played on his emotional and sexual dependence on her. Gradually, she convinced Paul to leave Catherine. Paul and Catherine divorced. In the aftermath, Catherine was hospitalized for severe depression and was never able to put her life back together. With the ex-wife out of the way, Marcia could have Paul, but she didn’t want him. She was incapable of loving Paul or anyone else (even though he adored her). Marcia now had what she had always wanted: unlimited access to wealth and the opportunities it bestowed. In the succeeding years, Marcia had Paul change his will, making her the sole beneficiary, disinheriting his grown children. She was immune to the pain and acrimony that this decision caused between Paul and his three children. It destroyed his relationship with them. Paul suffered from a weak character. He was terrified of losing Marcia, on whom he was completely emotionally dependent. Marcia, in effect, was saying: Choose between me and your children. If you decide that your loyalty is to them, I will go and never return. Five years later, Paul died, demoralized and broken, leaving Marcia his estate. She successfully fought off the legal claims made by his grown children. She was now a very wealthy woman. Marcia felt entitled; she had squandered precious, young, vital years ministering to a boring old man. It was time for her to be queen of the estate and scout for a new man: virile, lively, adoring.
The narcissist is predatory. Like a hawk in the distant sky, he circles and then suddenly swoops down to snatch his unsuspecting prey. Those who stand between him and his goals are imperiled. Using the weaknesses and frailties of his victim, he carefully chooses strategies that will defeat his enemy. All narcissistic personalities are cruel and sadistic. The perpetrator of treachery has murderous intentions. He may not actually kill his victims, but he finds undetectable ways to diminish or destroy their lives.
The seeds of treachery are scattered and sown in childhood. They begin with a lack of parental empathy. The child who becomes a narcissistic personality has been treated as an extension of the parent, not as a separate person. He is the perfect child, created in the parental image, not his own. Psychologically fused with the mother or father, he is at their mercy. The message of his childhood is “Be what I want you to be and I will love you; be yourself, defy me, and you will not survive.” Eventually, a cold rage lodges deep inside this child, which no flame can warm and no heart can touch with love or compassion.
Our understanding of the narcissist’s dark, tormented inner reality leads us back along the roads and pathways of his infancy and childhood. In the beginning, he was chosen to be the special one, the answer to his parents’ inchoate and unfulfilled wishes, dreams, and aspirations.