As Wright liked to boast, they [his apprentices] were the fingers on his hand, and for them it was…a way of life: for as long as Wright was alive they would be judged as appendages of a great man and not as individuals.
— BRENDAN GILL,
Many Masks: A Life of Frank Lloyd Wright1
The narcissist draws a magical, golden circle around himself. He convinces his followers that this space is a secret garden or hidden glen. There is enchantment here. Anything is possible. Rules and restrictions that operate in the rest of the world don’t apply. Those inside this chosen enclave are privileged. They breathe the air and walk in the footsteps of a great man (or woman). Members of this elite group believe that the light that shines so brightly upon the narcissist will reflect back onto them, warming each one with an incandescent glow. Those who sit at the feet of the narcissist make him the focus of their lives. He is center and source, their raison d’être. The narcissist carefully selects those who will furnish him with a consistent flow of veneration, praise, and service. The narcissist and his adoring audience are as intertwined as a sea creature and its shell.
Power, wealth, personal and professional stature—these are the enticements the narcissist uses to catch the small fish who will become members of his coterie. An astute operator, he understands the ego needs of followers: to be exclusive, to be materially comfortable, to be just like him. Although the narcissist has no insight into his own psychological processes, he is talented at identifying the secret cravings of those who press around him. His offers are tempting, frequently irresistible. Disciples of the narcissist are entranced by his capacity to have whatever he wants: material possessions, unlimited access, the deference of loyal devotees. He taps into the infantile, demanding child inside of us that wants it all. He looks into our eyes, strokes us with his enormous charisma, and promises to fulfill our secret yearnings.
Frank Lloyd Wright, architect and icon, attracted circles of followers and worshipers all his life. To this day, there are still believers prostrate at his throne, waiting to kiss his ring. Talented, driven, classically narcissistic—Wright always climbed to a new height, captivating many with an energy and magnetism he turned on and off like a well-designed faucet.
One of the many ways that Wright perpetuated his elaborate charmed circle was through the Taliesin Fellowship. He invited apprentices in architecture and the arts to work with him at Taliesin North and Taliesin West. In exchange for a hefty tuition, they were put to work. These young hopefuls believed they would be assisting the Great Architect on some historic endeavor. Instead, they were subjected to long hard labor, acting as low-paid servants (from draftsman to field hand) to Wright’s role as “grandee: riding horseback, driving fast cars, entertaining international notables.”2 Wright was blatantly unpredictable in his payment of the apprentices. Sometimes, he asked to borrow money from them. The invention of the Fellowship was a clever way of financing his dream as well as enlarging his clique. In all the years that the Fellowship was active, very few of his apprentices achieved any independent professional acclaim. Wright always took the credit for himself, despite their arduous work or creative contributions.
Although he had a late start with females (he was a virgin when he married his first wife, Catherine), Wright had many women literally and figuratively sitting at his feet. His first marriage, to Catherine, was not exactly a love match or a soul mate found but a practical union that suited the two of them at the time. Catherine bore six children in quick succession. Throughout their marriage, Wright’s curious and lustful eyes restlessly strayed. It didn’t take him long to jump into a melodramatic scandal with the wife of a client and neighbor for whom he was designing a home. Wright and Mamah (Martha) Borthwick Cheney began a torrid affair. Mamah adored Wright; she was willing to give up her husband, children, and reputation for him. The liaison led to Wright’s abandonment of his six children and a penniless wife. He rode the winds of his passions to the continent, where he lived idyllically with his mistress. Wright returned to his injured family after two years. Tragically, Mamah died at Taliesin in a fire deliberately set by a deranged member of the Wright family staff.
In an unfortunate life choice, Wright first took as a mistress and then married Miriam Noel, a sculptress in her forties. Temperamentally unsuited to each other, these two battled it out psychologically and even physically during most of their marriage. The union proved disastrous. Miriam was histrionic and hopelessly paranoid. She frequently threw tantrums, accusing Wright of having affairs. At times, Miriam would enact the role of adoring follower to Wright. She generously financed some of his architectural projects. Early on, Miriam displayed serious symptoms of mental illness. She descended and ascended in and out of madness.
As the marriage to Miriam deteriorated, Wright became involved in a consuming love affair with the very young, statuesque, dark-haired Olga Ivanovna Milanov Hinzenberg (called Olgivanna). She was thirty-seven years younger than he, and he was beguiled by her from their initial meeting at an evening ballet. Montenegran-born Olgivanna spent her early life in Russia and Turkey. After her first marriage failed, she moved to Fontainebleau, France, to immerse herself in the teachings of the philosopher Georgi Gurdjieff, part mystic, part rapscallion. Olgivanna became a loyal follower of his cult. In Olgivanna, Wright had found the truest believer within the charmed circle. This wife always had time for Frank; she was adroit at both mothering and manipulating him. Olgivanna would wrench herself from a sickbed to participate in some activity initiated by Wright. “Wifely devotion and identification with the beloved can go no further. She had found her new reason for being.”3
A revealing visual tableau illustrates Olgivanna as Wright’s chief worshiper. A photograph in profile taken early in their marriage shows the two of them with identical hairstyles and hats positioned at an angle that gives them the appearance of twins. Wright and Olgivanna gaze in tandem with impeccable symmetry, the couple of the hour, precious bookends.
The Wright cult, nurtured throughout his life, gained even greater momentum after his death through its perpetuation by the worshipful Olgivanna. She brought the same obsessiveness and fervor to this role as she had demonstrated toward her mentor Gurdjieff. The holy rituals of Taliesin continued, as if Wright was still alive. Brendan Gill, a brilliant Wright biographer and friend, describes Olgivanna nearing the end of her life: “She had served as the priestess of a shrine whose god had gained in puissance over the years; now she was failing…but the god remained.”4
A unique energy, not unlike sexual energy, surrounds the mighty. When a powerful man or woman enters a room, the seas part. Everyone quiets to hear his words, to observe his next move. Many are transfixed by his presence alone. Associating with a person who wields power can be intoxicating, like taking a strong drink or drug, or feeling the persistent pull of a compelling sexual attraction. Powerful people are treated differently. They are royalty, gratuitously rewarded with a largesse of undeserved respect.
High-level narcissists appear to have neither limits nor fears. A prospective follower feels secure under the wing of the narcissist and believes that some of his magic fairy dust will rub off on him. A master of control, the narcissist convinces those around him that they are safe only with him. Many followers mistakenly believe that these relationships will wipe away childhood feelings of shame and helplessness. Psychologically, they are dependent, obedient children who have never become responsible for their own lives. Tragically, they fail to activate their individual personalities and, as a result, their unique gifts and talents. They squander the hours of their lives in exquisite captivity, paying homage to their narcissistic master.
Many of the wealthy belong to a special club; they lead privileged, comfortable lives, securely removed from the common travails of everyday life—money worries, boring jobs, limited leisure. Certainly, there are wealthy individuals who are not narcissistic, and all narcissists are not wealthy. However, some narcissists use the pursuit of wealth to perpetuate their imposing self-images. The material blessings that flow from wealth and set these individuals apart appeal to the narcissist’s grandiloquent view of himself.
Members of the golden circle are lured not only to the magnetic charm of the narcissist but to the protective shield of his wealth. Pampered in the warm glow of plenty, they vicariously share his feelings of entitlement. Misguided and deluded, they are soothed by the perks and possessions bestowed on them by their leader. Beneath the shiny seduction of this sycophantic role lie feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred.
The narcissist is inevitably preoccupied with the impression he is making. More than the quality of his character, it is how others perceive him that matters most. High-level narcissists tend to spend a lot of money on themselves. They demand the very best. Everything in their environment—homes, cars, personal appearance, clothing—must reflect a flawless persona. Walking through some of their homes, one wonders if anyone lives there. There is no sign of human habitation: no footprints on rugs or carpets, no finger marks on furniture or mirrors, no body or cooking aromas, no whiffs of faded perfume, no towel askew, no cushion indentations, no stain, no dust, no scuff, no smudge. Every aspect of their outward surroundings—personal possessions, clothing, homes, cars, planes—is kept in pristine condition at all times. I have known narcissists who purchased new cars so frequently that they didn’t wait to obtain license plates let alone allow ashtrays to become half full.
The narcissist’s devotees ensure that his world is always in a state of absolute order. They expend great amounts of time and energy focusing on the details and minutiae of his life. Germaine had worked for Richard for fifteen years as a housemaid. She had been trained in Europe and was employed by some of the finest hotels. After his wife died, Richard married Germaine. He was physically attracted to her and knew that she would be fully subservient to him. Under Germaine’s supervision their home was meticulously maintained. You could go over every millimeter of the house with a microscope and not find a hair, the tiniest insect corpse, a speck of errant dust, even a water mark. Richard’s suits were hung exactly three inches apart in his many closets. His shoes were precisely catalogued; each dress shirt was coffined in a custom-designed drawer. Richard’s demands for cleanliness and order were pathological. If the smallest mistake was made, Germaine was singled out for violent verbal abuse. Openly weeping and almost hysterical on these occasions, Germaine shook with fear and humiliation. She felt desperate to leave but reminded herself that she belonged with Richard in this magnificent home. She had long ago relinquished her freedom and dignity. Germaine had come to accept Richard as a cruel minder. The bargain that she struck was worth her life. In exchange for her subservience, Germaine would be protected by Richard’s financial security.
Members of the charmed circle are seduced by the lifestyle they share with the narcissist. There are the multiple homes and fine furnishings, countless first-class international trips, associations with prominent individuals, memberships in exclusive country clubs, invitations to the fashionable parties, the best tables at haute cuisine restaurants. These are the perks offered to prospective followers. Spouses, mistresses, and lovers are easily lured by the glitzy paraphernalia of an opulent lifestyle. Being endlessly coddled is its own aphrodisiac.
Intimates of the narcissist pay a high price for their loyalty. They weather psychological and at times physical abuse, countless extramarital affairs, illegitimate children, even sexually transmitted diseases, to be counted among the blessed. Like worshipers clinging to a profligate guru, they hitch their fate and future to the privileges and comforts they were falsely promised. Like parasitic fish that fuse with and clean the leviathans of the sea, devotees are inextricably attached to their master.
Katlin, a thirty-three-year-old divorcée, met Thomas, a seventy-six-year-old media mogul. After a brief dating period, Katlin and Thomas were married. With unlimited time and financial resources at his disposal, Thomas was accustomed to a life of profligate indulgence. Katlin shared the benefits of this lifestyle. In exchange for the luxury travel and fine homes, she had to deal with Thomas’s compulsive sexual behaviors. Katlin begged him to go into therapy with her to save their marriage. He refused. She threatened to leave him if he didn’t change. Each time Katlin capitulated. She told herself that she truly loved Thomas and would remain loyal to him. She convinced herself that they were soul mates.
During one particularly ignominious cycle, Thomas spent a number of weeks conducting negotiations with a business partner and friend in Europe. Upon his return, after lengthy interrogations and, finally, a “confession,” Katlin discovered that both men had spent much of their time engaging in high-risk sexual liaisons with call girls and street prostitutes. Katlin was so confused and distraught by these revelations that she wept in public and related this sordid tale to friends and acquaintances. Katlin swore that this was the end, the last humiliation. She exploded at Thomas over the dangers of her contracting sexually transmitted diseases as a result of his impulsive sexual forays. She knocked on neighbors’ doors day and night, crying and ranting hysterically to anyone present that she was a victim of a persecutory, philandering husband. She repeated all the details of his sexual transgressions to strangers. She fumed, telling her neighbors and friends how much she detested him. Katlin let everyone know that she was hiring the most aggressive lawyer she could find to obtain an immediate divorce.
Several weeks after this drama unfolded, and to everyone’s astonishment, Katlin brightly announced that she and Thomas, accompanied by a group of their intimate friends, would be leaving for a two-month African safari. Katlin stressed that this event was particularly meaningful to her since it would take place on their wedding anniversary. She planned to have their vows renewed in Africa. How could Katlin make such a swift turnabout in the aftermath of her husband’s monumental acts of betrayal and endangerment? Everyone was flabbergasted. The not-so-mysterious reason Katlin would endure the humiliating cycles of abuse and never leave Thomas was her fear of losing her opulent lifestyle. Without the sparkling “Thomas package,” she felt worthless; alone she was nothing. Katlin would bear all the humiliation and shame of her husband’s multiple infidelities, even the possibility of contracting a sexually transmitted disease in exchange for a privileged life. Thomas knew that Katlin would stay with him, despite any impulse he chose to gratify. Katlin remained on board; being Thomas’s wife wasn’t so bad after all.
Life with a narcissist is neither simple nor straightforward. It is a complex production that requires the right settings, scripts, and actors. The narcissist is encircled by a theatrical cast of supporting actors, bit players, and extras. Good supporting actors are invaluable. Playing their parts skillfully, they intensify the drama, drawing attention to the star. The supporting actors in “the big picture show”—spouses, mistresses, business partners—amplify the leading man’s performance. Supporting actors frequently relinquish their life destinies to the narcissist. Their hearts beat in rhythm to the tempo of his days.
Elaine had been married to Luke, a television actor, for more than thirty years. During all this time Elaine had worked and taken care of the children while Luke established himself in the entertainment business. From the beginning, Luke’s wishes and needs always came first. Although she was resentful at times, Elaine accepted Luke’s self-centeredness, attributing it to a creative temperament. Elaine’s feelings for Luke went beyond admiration; he was a great artist. When he was on a soundstage taping a show, Elaine sat in the dark, applauding every nuance of his performance. Over the years Luke strayed countless times; Elaine always took him back. She was ever-forgiving, overlooking his massive insensitivities and betrayals. Elaine rationalized that this was the price for being married to a successful actor. After years of living in the shadow of her narcissistic husband, Elaine remains the steadfast supporting actor, loyally deferring to the star to create her role and define her life.
A good bit player is versatile and flexible, available to the star performer at all times. Bit players are often cast in character roles. Reliable and predictable, they add spice to the story line. Though skillful in their parts, bit players rarely become stars. Highly discreet, he (or she) always finds a way to fulfill any request. Dan, a private pilot and general factotum, had worked for Austin, a software mogul, for over ten years. Dan was a jack-of-all-trades. Austin could count on him day or night to fulfill his varied missions: arranging impromptu luxury junkets, procuring attractive young women, sending flowers and gifts to wives and mistresses. When the occasion arose, Dan acted as a private investigator, searching out confidential incriminating information on Austin’s enemies that could be used for intimidation purposes and subtle blackmail. This function was of particular value to Austin. He was able to get the “dirt” he needed through Dan without leaving a trace of his direct involvement. Dan was a fixture in Austin’s life, a polished loyal bit player.
Extras on movie sets are expendable; one is interchangeable with another. Extras are hired for their physical presence; they are not chosen for their talents, personalities, or general appeal. Like wildebeests stampeding through the bush, they are part of the herd. Lumped into a whole, they are often called the atmosphere. Extras move in and out of the narcissist’s world as needed or by whim. They are stage-door groupies and hangers-on. Narcissists often travel with entourages depending on how powerful and famous they are. Some extras are so enamored of the narcissist that they are willing to act in any number of roles. They will fetch and carry, have a one-night stand, endure emotional and physical abuse, do anything to remain part of the golden circle. Sheila, a massage therapist, met Robb, a film producer, when he visited a weekend spa. Sheila was taken with Robb; she had watched every film that he had produced. Sheila felt honored to work for Robb and made an effort to meet with him whenever possible. After a very brief acquaintance, Sheila and Robb became intimate. The sexual encounter with Robb became a high point in her life. Despite a long, acrimonious marriage, several mistresses, and many girlfriends, Robb engaged in frequent impulsive affairs that he found to be dangerously exciting. Sheila had sex with Robb whenever he called or dropped over uninvited, often in the middle of the night. She always said yes, telling herself that she was a vital part of Robb’s life. Sheila is a classic extra, offering herself as a vehicle for reckless no-limits behavior.
Like water cascading down a falls, compliments and tributes must flow to the narcissist at all times. He expects and counts on this praise as a lifeline. He recounts endless stories of his triumphs and expects others to tell him “how wonderful he is.” The slightest interruption in this unguent tide is disconcerting and disturbing to the narcissist. Reactions can range from feelings of being slighted and hurt to uncontrollable rage.
Members of the golden circle are expected to provide their services at any given moment and in perpetuity. It doesn’t matter to a narcissist if you are about to hop on a plane for a badly needed vacation. It is unimportant that one of your children is ill and must be taken to the doctor. A daughter’s wedding, a special anniversary, even a death in the family—these events are minuscule in proportion to the narcissist’s absolute sense of self-entitlement.
Devotees spin an elaborate web, a golden aura, around the narcissist. They fawn, they glow, they hold their breaths. Their eyes glaze as their heads tilt in his direction. Under a light or heavy trance, followers are hypnotized by the narcissistic lure. Cecilia, an advertising executive, hired Diane as her administrative assistant. Cecilia promised Diane she would eventually become a partner in the business. Competent and eager, Diane spent most of her waking hours serving Cecilia. Her boss was hopelessly demanding and explosively unpredictable. Diane quickly learned that her principal job was providing Cecilia with a fountain of recirculating compliments. Diane’s loyalty was blind, unquestioned. She experienced her life through Cecilia. Like a teenage fan of a rock idol, Diane would never waiver as a founding member of Cecilia’s cloying fan club.
Followers of the narcissist, especially those closest to him—spouses, mistresses, lovers, children, partners—squander their life potential. They have turned themselves over to a callous exploitive parental figure who makes all the decisions. Their mission is to obey and adore him: no questions asked.
On the surface, members of this elite club appear to be well put together: aesthetically, mentally, and psychologically. Beneath this thin, often appealing, outer layer lie intense primitive feelings of resentment, rage, and despair. Living only to please and appease an imperious narcissist, combined with mounting erosions of their individual opportunities, faithful followers eventually become hate-filled enemies.