Ego is a slippery fellow, intent on survival at all costs. If we don’t squeeze it, it’s glad to just sit there as ruler of our domain.
— LAMA SURYA DAS,
Awakening the Buddha Within1
We have been fellow travelers on the long journey through the forests and thickets of the inner and outer worlds of the narcissistic personality. Seated third-row center, we watched as he entertained and appalled us with his arrogant surefooted strutting, his unbounded sense of self-entitlement, his melodramatic seizures of primitive rage, his calculated cruelties. Now that you recognize and understand the hows and whys of his outrageous antics and flawed character, it is time to place the rules of engagement with the high-level narcissist firmly and securely in your capable hands.
Begin with an evenhanded appraisal of yourself, the life you were given and the one that you have created. We all go through tough times. Some of us are visited by tragedy, loss, trauma, deprivation, and disappointment more than others. Many individuals appear to sail through life, gliding smoothly, like a graceful bird riding thermals along a sunny shoreline. This external vision of effortlessness frequently displayed by the narcissist is a carefully crafted façade. Like a photographic layout in a slick magazine, it does not accurately reveal the true nature of human experience. When people tell you how wonderful everything is, reserve some skepticism. Their “Look, ma, no hands” or “I never break a sweat” bravado is construed to make you and others feel small and insignificant. Don’t let these folks fool you or allow you to feel diminished or defective. Regardless of their shining exteriors, they are fighting a significant level of pain, concealed deep in the psyche or lodged in the body. Pain that goes untreated becomes inflamed and gradually infiltrates the entire system: body, mind, and psyche.
Living and working with a high-level narcissist thrusts us into the midst of a series of psychological battles. In the beginning, during the honeymoon of the relationship, no one would suspect the hand-to-hand combat that will occur in the future. Even a talented and seasoned psychoanalyst, psychiatrist, or psychologist, who has withstood the attacks and exploits of the most challenging patients, knows that when a narcissist walks into his office (an infrequent event), he is in for a rough ride. Therapists describe how their hair was curled or thinned while “treating” a narcissistic patient. If hardened professionals have great difficulty with this character disorder, don’t be surprised when you are thrown by them. Although not a case of life and death, a close encounter with a narcissist can mutate into a stressful and perturbing life experience. To put it in a word, these individuals are impossible.
The rules of engagement require a variety of skills. They range from those of a highly trained guerrilla fighter, who acts with full force and precision at warp speed, to the most astute, intuitive intelligence operative, capable of analyzing the subtlest psychological cues of human behavior. Every conflict with a narcissist requires a distinctive style of combat: cat-and-mouse acts, cloak-and-dagger scenarios, spy-counterspy games, or symbolic eye-to-eye sweat and blood confrontations. Mastering the rules of engagement requires discipline, concentration, self-control, and perseverance. Like an Olympic ice-skater, one must practice tirelessly and fall willingly thousands of times with the belief that the next effort will hit the mark. Excellence of performance, pit against the high-level narcissist, is not won through grace or luck but by the fundamental roots of one’s character: concentration, fearlessness, and unshakable will. At some point, it is up to you to make an informed decision to stay in the battle to win, to consciously lose for a higher purpose, or to walk away. Any one of these choices can be honorable. Remember, from the narcissist’s perspective, he always wins (even when he loses). This is his delusion not yours.
Becoming deeply aware of your psychological issues, either through private insights or professional intervention, empowers those who deal with narcissistic individuals. Armed with this level of understanding, we learn not to intermingle the narcissist’s ego-driven concerns with the psychological scenarios of our life story. This frees those who are involved with a narcissist from shouldering the devaluation and guilt he so readily projects upon them. These projections are sharp, like a well-honed knife. They are designed to cut to the core, leaving their victim psychologically wounded. In the heat of these confrontations, remember to tell yourself: “This is his issue; I’m not at fault and will not carry the blame that is being unjustifiably heaped upon me.” As the pointed words bruise your eardrums, you might hear the reverberations of dormant parental voices coming to life: “You never do anything right” “How can you be so dumb?” “You’re always making mistakes.” “What’s the matter with you?”
Owning your own psychological issues and not taking on his represents a major advancement, a great victory for you. It means you remain whole and intact, inoculated from the narcissist’s persistent flow of pathological venom.
When the narcissist turns ugly, you feel the earth shifting unsteadily beneath your feet. He has become enraged over some small matter; he’s about to blow and you fear that your job or your marriage or your friendship is finished. Your life is hanging by the tiniest thread. Suddenly an alarm is sounding throughout your mind and body. You feel shaky and vulnerable; your thoughts scatter to the winds. Your stomach churns; your bowels cry out. You want to hide under a bed, crouch in a corner, or fly away and become invisible. This is the profound effect that the narcissist can have on us if we are unaware of our own internal psychological processes and are ignorant of the inner workings of the narcissistic personality. You need to know him better than he knows himself. You also must understand and respect yourself so firmly that you remain unshakable throughout his self-indulgent tirades.
The key to weathering these eruptions of temper and ego is to become and remain psychologically grounded. A grounded individual is secure and calm; he feels solid at his center. He places value on being real rather than on hiding behind a false image. He acknowledges his mistakes and weaknesses. He consistently searches for the truth. As a result, he has a quality of penetrating insight into himself. An individual who is grounded doesn’t permit himself to be exploited by others for their purposes. He views each person as a singular creation. He is loath to make discriminations based on income, social class, level of education, external appearance. Whether you live on the streets or own palatial homes, he appreciates each human life. Someone who is securely grounded doesn’t coast through life as if it is an amusement ride. He is always working to adapt and grow within the circumstances he is given. He neither blames himself when falsely accused nor denies his mistakes, large or small. In all situations, especially those that are the most difficult, he strives to be honest with himself. When he fails, he forgives himself and renews his efforts to change course. Persevering and steady, he stands firmly on the soil of his authenticity.
A grounded person respects another individual’s psychological space. He celebrates the uniqueness and value of every human being. The narcissistic personality is incapable of making a psychological distinction between himself and others. Everyone is part of him and therefore at his disposal. It would never occur to a narcissist that those who work with him are entitled to a private life. As a result, the narcissist treats others as objects who are answerable only to him.
Bruce, a very successful entrepreneur, earned a good living buying and selling companies. Kenneth, the company’s vice-president, the one responsible for ironing out all the financial wrinkles and putting out corporate fires, is a perfectionist and workaholic. It is not unusual for Bruce to call Kenneth any time of the day or night to discuss a problem that is nagging him or some “brilliant idea” that has just come into his mind. Kenneth receives calls from Bruce when he is on vacation a continent away. Although Kenneth is disrupted and annoyed by these intrusions on his private life, he feels that he must have an answer for Bruce whenever he demands one. As long as Kenneth is unable to remain grounded, this issue will not be resolved. Bruce, a narcissistic personality, views Kenneth as an extension of himself. He feels entitled to ask questions and receive the right answers immediately.
It is up to Kenneth to change this pattern. He needs to examine himself carefully and ask why he doesn’t deserve peace of mind in the middle of the night or during his vacation. Kenneth must clearly state that he requires that specific parameters be set so that his personal life is respected and will remain intact. No business calls will be responded to at three A.M. regardless of their purported urgency. Vacations must be honored as hard-earned essential time off that cannot be interrupted. Kenneth needs to provide Bruce with a specific plan in advance, one that names another member of the executive staff as a substitute for him when he is out of the office. Until Kenneth feels worthy of the free time and relaxation he deserves, Bruce and future narcissistic employers will continue to take full advantage of these vulnerabilities.
The following vignette describes a successful resolution between an aspiring executive and her boss, a classic narcissist. Debra came wrapped in an extraordinarily lovely exterior. Tall, slender, bright with luminous green eyes and a luxurious mane of naturally blond hair, she attracted attention at work and play. Some men called her striking, while they secretly dreamed of bedding her. Debra consciously nurtured this irresistibility. With a degree in clinical psychology, Debra ran a successful private practice for several years. She soon realized that she wanted to make lots of money easily and quickly. It didn’t suit her to listen to one patient at a time all day long when she could be charging an entire group for her services. When Debra visited a friend on an extended vacation, she became intrigued with a course on a new spirituality. She noticed the popularity of the event, the large crowds it was drawing, all the buzz about self-enlightenment. She knew that this was her monetary ticket. She lifted the contents of the seminar almost verbatim from the clinicians, renamed the course, and began an aggressive marketing campaign. Her seminar became so successful that she had to hire assistants.
Debra worked on a new image to suit this shift to the teaching of her revolutionary spirituality. She effected a convincing sense of knowing and intuiting what others thought and felt. She emphasized that attendees would learn to heal themselves if they took her course. Once people were captured in her seductive greedy hands, Debra applied maximum pressure on those who had completed the course to take advanced sessions (for a higher fee), assuring them that this was essential for future spiritual growth.
Debra charged a hefty sum for her two-day seminars. Assistants—her personal administrator, publicist, and marketer—were paid low salaries. And while she was often late in compensating them, she spent large sums of money on her home and cars and frequent vacations, which she labeled spiritual retreats. If a member of her staff became too popular with clients or began to think independently, Debra devised a plan to dismiss the offending party. First, the carefully dropped disparaging remarks appeared. Then she artfully turned the rest of the staff against this member, using verbal intimidation. Finally, the ax fell, much to the shock and humiliation of the unsuspecting victim. Despite the waves of fear and nausea that rumbled through her offices, she always preserved a stable of venerators who were willing to endure her repetitive abusive episodes. Debra led a dual life. On the exterior, she was the prophetess, the esteemed teacher, the person who had invented an invaluable spiritual pathway. Beneath this image, she was cruel, cold, narcissistic, ruthless.
Shelley, a clinical psychologist, attended several of Debra’s seminars and was duly impressed. Debra was taken immediately with Shelley’s intellectual acumen and communication skills. She was hired on the spot as a seminar presenter. Shelley was a quick study and soon was co-leading seminars with Debra. The honeymoon between the two continued for a few months. Debra worked Shelley very hard, making outrageous demands on her time and mental and emotional energy. At first, Shelley was willing to invest herself heavily for the advancement of her career and the welfare of the company’s clients. She contributed her creative ideas to the project, and as she became more outspoken and independent, Debra became resentful and angry. She persuaded members of her charmed circle to spread vicious fictitious tales of Shelley’s character defects. Debra motivated her closest followers to ostracize Shelley. One morning Debra appeared before a session that Shelley was scheduled to lead and told her that she was fired. She used a well-worn excuse, claiming that Shelley was stubborn and uncooperative—not a team player. Inquiring clients were simply told that Shelley had made a quick decision to go on an extended sabbatical. The bare reality was Debra’s pathological envy of Shelley’s creativity and the interpersonal warmth shared between Shelley and the seminar participants.
Shelley was shocked by Debra’s behavior. She knew the truth: her clients were benefiting from the groups she was leading. As a top facilitator, she was making substantial sums of money for the company. Debra insisted that in order to keep her job, Shelley would have to spend most of her time advertising and promoting the seminars rather than actually leading them. She felt as if she was being pushed out.
Shelley stood up for herself professionally and personally. In a private meeting, she told Debra directly: “I have earned the role as top seminar facilitator, and I’m asking to be placed back into the position I deserve.” Shelley emphasized: “My hard work and dedication have been substantially responsible for the growth and success of these seminars.” Internally, Shelley remained psychologically grounded. She asserted: “I want to continue to contribute to the company’s expansion and welfare in the role of chief facilitator and seminar leader.” Shelley presented herself in a calm positive manner. She described her vision and goals for herself and the company, and appropriately expressed that she deserved and was entitled to the position she held. Debra precipitously fired Shelly.
After a brief period of adjustment and the realization that this decision had been made for her higher good, Shelley wrote a popular spiritual handbook and began leading her own seminars. Her career flourishes; she remains both professionally successful and true to herself.
The discipline of not acting is powerful. We are not compelled to respond instantaneously to everything that happens. The omission of action is not a concept that comes naturally to us. Most Westerners have a consciousness that continually swirls with a myriad of thoughts, feelings, fears, sensations, and desires. In Buddhism this is called the monkey mind. It moves restlessly from place to place, state to state, reacting to every mental, emotional, and behavioral event. One moment we feel sad and regretful, the next we are restless and apprehensive, and in a very short while we are carried aloft in the arms of a compelling fantasy. Like a monkey swinging from tree to tree, the mind moves from thought to thought, busying itself in a frenzy of activity. Most of us are desperate not to know what we are really thinking and feeling. We learn to tolerate mental chaos and distraction as we ride the shifting tides of impulse and emotion.
It is vital that the individual who must deal with a narcissist create a habit of spending time each day sitting quietly alone, practicing mental relaxation, creative visualization, or meditation. When meditation is consistent, we gain sufficient insight to observe ourselves more objectively. As stillness and inner peace permeate mind and body, we develop greater skill at knowing how and when to respond. Just as important, we intuitively sense why and how to hold our reaction. This is particularly valuable in dealing with the restless, combative mind of the narcissist. Running relentlessly from one campaign to the next, he is like a butterfly lighting on one blossom after another, extracting nectar from every flower. Unlike this marvelous insect, the narcissist leaves nothing of himself behind. He makes no contribution to the web of life.
No matter how hotly and wildly the narcissist waves his arms and kicks his feet in a classic tantrum, restraint allows you to take breathing space for your own reflection on what is really occurring rather than act out of fear, anger, or some other self-preservational emotion. The narcissist is counting on your overreaction to affirm his control and reinforce his authority. Allow for your private internal response to his provocations. Being calm and aware, you will respond to him with self-assertion and confidence.
The prominence of narcissistic values today runs parallel to a growing moral relativism. Those who claim they are guided by conscience are intimidated by aggressive individuals whom they both admire and fear. For many, it is easier to go with the momentum of a stronger personality, despite prickles of conscience that arise. Confronting a fully loaded narcissist can feel as if we are pushing a river. Personal ambition for some is the overriding issue that will result in a compromise of moral values. The last temptation put forth by the narcissist, a clever Luciferian plot, beckons. The “deals” that flow from his gravitational pull are irresistible: a healthy slice of company profits, an entrepreneurial fiefdom, impressive titles, generous stock options. We feel an overwhelming urge to say yes. The hell with the consequences. Ultimately, these promises are empty, grossly overstated, or fraudulent. Those who go along with the narcissist’s program have agreed to share his delusional world. They have chosen ego over integrity. These “winning at all cost” and “go along to get along” attitudes have become integral threads in Western thinking and behavior.
Today, those with a conscience are frequently chided as naive, backward, overly religious, simple-minded, and unsophisticated. Over thousands of years the world became civilized because the concept of a personal conscience was nurtured. When families were more intact and intergenerational, the sense of right and wrong was passed down to children and reinforced by the neighborhood, town, city, and society. Several decades ago, conscience and good character mattered. Today, with the epidemic of materialism and acquisitiveness, the drive to get often overrides the way we arrive at our destination. What counts are results, not how we compromise our integrity to reach the mountain, the private island, the crescendos of unending applause. Today, we are pleasantly surprised to meet someone who has an unwavering sense of right and wrong. Conscience is rapidly becoming an endangered species, the exception not the rule.
Since the narcissist suffers from a severe deficit of conscience, his morals and ethics are mobile and adaptive; his rules for living are based strictly on the end game, the bottom line. The question is not whether he will cross legal, ethical, or moral lines but when. Will you become his collusive partner in an intricate dance that meets the letter of the law? Are you willing to be bought off by extravagant offers of money, power, or a potpourri of incentives? There are always true believers who will fall on their swords or march into hell and give up any last scrap of their humanity to continue their psychological and financial fusion with him. The rest of us are clear that we will either honor our moral and ethical values or struggle to fend off the narcissist’s smorgasbord of enticements. The ground of the battle lies within us.
For a number of years, Rachel, a real estate broker with a large following, had been working with high-maintenance clients, Lydia and her husband, Keith. Rachel had a listing for Lydia and Keith’s $2 million home. The house went into escrow with a well-qualified buyer. Rachel was experienced enough not to mentally spend her share of the $60,000 commission until escrow closed. However, she eagerly anticipated the earnings from such a large transaction. One of the buyer’s inspectors discovered a serious structural problem with the house. Lydia and Keith hired several consultants to evaluate the problem. The consultations resulted in two materially different recommendations. There was an inexpensive but ultimately inadequate and temporary solution that would cost the owners $10,000. The second alternative estimate was $50,000 to resolve the structural issue completely and represented the clearly more responsible approach. Lydia and Keith chose the least expensive option. They were leaving, moving on to the next phase of their lives and were unconcerned about the welfare of the next owner. They wanted their price and were determined to get it without any obstacles in their way.
Rachel explained that by law the owners would have to disclose that through their consultants they had been given two choices and that they had decided to have the less expensive work done. Lydia and Keith’s reply to Rachel’s admonition was: “We don’t want to hear about it. We fixed the defect. Don’t you dare tell this new buyer about it. It’s no one else’s business, and none of yours.” After many hours of heated discussion, Rachel realized that her longtime clients would not budge on this issue. She stood to lose not only the $60,000 commission from this transaction but any future business from these clients and possible referrals. She explained in a professional manner: “I can no longer represent you in this transaction since this would mean that I would be colluding in an act that is both illegal and unethical.” Rachel walked away from the generous commission and her clients knowing that she had maintained her moral, ethical, and legal standards. More significant to her personally, Rachel had kept her integrity intact and her conscience clear.
Being mindful is the key to successfully engaging the narcissistic personality. Mindfulness is the art of living fully in the present moment. In this state, you are neither regretting the past nor fearing the future. This principle, which is part of the foundation of Buddhist teaching, can be of immeasurable help in dealing with a narcissist. When we are aware without distraction of what is happening right now, we are drawing upon an intrinsic internal power that is always available. Learning to be observant without making judgments or preferences—not running away from what we like, dislike, or fear—centers the mind. This centering generates a consciousness that is still and sure. As the mind quiets, it gathers greater concentration and focus.
Becoming mindful is a slowly evolving process that requires consistent motivation and effort. The first steps begin with an awareness of our unquiet mind: the spilling of thoughts, memories, feelings, senses, and somatic sensations that escalate, eroding our attention from the present moment. We are carried off on winding detours—fantasies, longings, loops of fear and rage. We move back and forth from current problems to the psychological issues of childhood. For most people, this process is subterranean, buried in the mysterious caverns of the unconscious.
Greater awareness brings a sense of comfort to our being. It provides us with a perspective of knowing what is important and what is trivial. A deepening calmness grows. This process creates a more spacious and secure internal world within you. In this relaxed state, you have the edge with a narcissistic personality. While he is busy, manically plotting his latest campaign, the mindful individual stands securely in the moment, unprovoked by the drama du jour. With practice, we can become immune to his efforts at seduction, threat, and manipulation. With deeper self-knowledge and the insights that come with mindfulness, we protect ourselves against the narcissist’s destructive moves. We now view him through the finely cut prism of awareness.
Relationships with narcissists stretch our psychological stamina. We can react to them with feelings of constant embattlement, or we can choose to use these interactions to become more steadfast, less emotionally reactive. Encounters of this kind invite us to flex our growing muscles of consciousness. A narcissist becomes a “gift” that presents us with opportunities for becoming more awake.
The high-level phenomenally successful narcissist is found in most of our boardrooms. He or she is the president, vice-president, treasurer, COO, or CEO of a multinational corporation, the senior partner of a prestigious law firm, the head of a business empire. The classic narcissist travels atop a magical conveyance that takes him everywhere at his command. On the highway, he positions himself in the fast lane, reminding us of those freeway daredevils needling back and forth lane to lane at lightning speed, devouring the road, endangering everyone in his wake.
What is it like to work day after day, year after year, for a classic narcissist? It appears to be glamorous and exciting. We think to ourselves: “Fate has been kind; he has come into my life at the right moment.” In the first stages of the arrangement, we believe the narcissist has all the answers. He is brilliant and clever, a kind of renaissance man (or woman). But this is an illusion, like looking through distorted glasses that show us only what we want to see. Ultimately, the narcissist takes those who work for him on a series of wild rides in hostile territories. It can be thrilling and ego-intoxicating. Much of the time it is simply anxiety-provoking, exhausting, and humiliating.
When you work for a narcissist, your life no longer belongs to you. You and he are conjoined—day and night. No matter how many years you have unwaveringly served a narcissist—decades of devotion and grueling work—he will show you the door in a microsecond. With a narcissist, there are no true relationships. The years of association, comaraderie, and manically fueled dreams fade to black. The sharing of personal histories, old war stories, or tightly held secrets over a martini or two dissolves like sugar cubes in a pot of boiling water.
The narcissist is incapable of either personal or professional loyalty. His life is devoid of true intimacy or love. Every human contact for him is based on utility: getting what he wants, realizing his vision, securing his power position. Like a king overlooking the ramparts of his castle, he covetously surveys his lands, admiring the breadth and depth of his properties and possessions. They are a measure of his feelings of worth and entitlement. As he watches, the king is ever wary of enemy hordes in the forests and thickets beyond. The narcissist plays the role of a paranoid king. Drunk with the wielding of his all-powerful sword, he remains ever alert, eyes and mind shifting in constant readiness for those who would plot his destruction.
A narcissist demands unquestioned loyalty almost to the point of mind control and brainwashing. Ultimately, when you do business for or with a narcissist, independent thinking is forbidden. If you come up with a particularly creative idea or concept, he will preempt it as his own. Narcissists are grabby and greedy. Like a two-year-old protecting his toys against an interloper, narcissists don’t share. When someone is loyal to a person who treats him with deceit and exploitation, he has given himself away, piece by piece.
The narcissist is not inclined to go the distance in any relationship—spousal, romantic, professional. The narcissist is fickle but selective in his choice of business partners and associates. A per petual schemer, he conceives elaborate plans that will lead him directly to his target. His eyes focus on the worldly grail, the golden goblet that will lead him to ultimate power. Those who stand in his way are quickly dispatched to professional oblivion. Like the forces of nature—hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunamis—he appears to be unstoppable.
Those who are hypnotized enough to follow a narcissist can be assured that their experience will run the gamut from adoration to fear to rage to abandonment. It is very rare for anyone who has worked closely with one of these individuals to exit without a mark, a scar, or a mortal blow. Their negative influence is profound. It can cause a variety of effects, including acute and chronic physical illness, psychosomatic ailments, emotional crises, multiple stress reactions, familial upheavals. One would never guess when entering the portals of the relationship that such dangerous and ominous consequences await the unsuspecting victim. This predictable pattern is what I describe as the “love ’em and leave ’em” cycle.
The narcissist begins the “relationship” with the seduction. He turns his attentions on you with an exquisite brand of personal magnetism. He’s done his homework; he knows all about you. He invites you into his office for a private talk and presents you with an arrangement that will fatten your wallet, enhance your stock portfolio, and fulfill your desires for financial freedom. Suddenly, you feel light-headed and dizzy, drunk with being wanted by someone who is so important. In the first blush of the “union,” you are wooed. It is very difficult for most people not to be captivated by the courting of a high-level narcissist. At this stage, charm is oozing from all of his pores like a perfume that lingers on the body of a beautiful woman. The narcissist is appealing to our ego needs and desires—our deepest longings to feel unique, talented, loved, attractive, bright. He is the perfect wave a devoted surfer has always waited for—luminescent blue, building to magnificent height, gracefully shaped, dangerous, an unequaled force—promising the ride of a lifetime. When we are seduced by a narcissist, we view a seamless mask that tells us we are splendid—that we too can become gods. In this first stage, we are not prepared for the merciless pull of the undertow that awaits beneath the wave.
In the next phase, the narcissist idealizes his chosen one, experiencing him as all good, a lost puzzle piece that makes him feel complete. The narcissist gets under our skin; he cannot be ignored. He paints a verbal picture for you of just how you will fit in to his future plans. It is true that narcissists choose talented people to make themselves look good. You have been picked above all others to share center stage with this extraordinary person. Most people are entranced with the idealization. It soothes and inflates the ego. It provides a tonic to those who feel unworthy and inadequate. It appeals to perfectionists who have never developed a healthy sense of self-entitlement and personal value. For a fleeting time, the idealization provides a salve to childhood defects that whisper “You’re not good enough, bright enough, or strong enough to succeed at the highest level.”
The next step is the big proposal, the deal with the devil. The narcissist offers power, wealth, and prestige to those who join his magic circle. In exchange, he will wield total control over their lives. When the deal is sealed, the unsuspecting one is so mesmerized that he believes the elaborate promises. The narcissist is clever at reading his prospect so carefully that he knows what it will take to make him bite. Like a master fly fisherman, the narcissist understands just what size, color, and shape of lure to use to hook the highly prized fish. The deal is always too good to be true; it will never be delivered. At this point, the unsuspecting person has entered the narcissist’s delusional world.
Eventually, every relationship with a narcissist must come to an end. The devaluation begins when he decides you are no longer of value. Perhaps he has found a more attractive, compliant replacement. After all, for him, everyone is expendable. This cruel process can take weeks, months, years, or decades. One way or another the moment will arrive. The cues can be as subtle as a weightless feather falling unheard to the ground. The narcissist picks away at the perfect union he has created. You are suddenly accused of making more mistakes. Your missteps are costing the company money. You are derided for alienating or driving away clients. Any excuse that rides on the winds of the fertile narcissistic imagination will do. This is designed to erode your confidence and to justify getting rid of you. In the course of the devaluation, the narcissist uses dirty tactics that include lying, shaming, ostracism, and innuendo. He summons a chorus of willing accomplices who will turn against you on command. In the final stages, you are perceived as a bad influence, an impediment to progress, an albatross that must be removed. Once the narcissist decides to discard you, there are no second thoughts.
Dismissal arrives as surely as thunder follows lightning. Often the narcissist uses one of his henchmen to deliver the final blow. By this time, you are not even an imprint on his mind. He has moved on to his next glorious quest. The real reasons for the dismissal are not offered. Like a speck of swirling dust, the memory of you as a unique individual and the positive magnitude of your good deeds dissolve in the atmosphere as if they never existed.
Those who succumb to the “love ’em and leave ’em” cycle have been double-crossed by the narcissist and have betrayed themselves at the same time. It is a great disappointment to lose a battle to a narcissist. A graver misfortune is to fail ourselves. Individuals who have traveled the distance in tandem with a narcissist have at least witnessed or been party to numerous immoral, unethical, even illegal acts throughout the course of the journey. If you possess a finely tuned conscience, you will carry with you deserved guilt for those unsavory acts in which you assisted the narcissist. In some cases, the narcissist will leave you holding the bag for the irregular deeds he has committed. Cornered and about to be exposed, he blames everything on you.
The fox is a magnificent animal who stalks and captures his prey by instinct. He catapults himself into the air, rising on all four feet, executing a one-pounce kill. Almost no man-made barricade can keep him from ravaging the chicken house if he is adamant. He will lie brazenly on the floor, gobbling up freshly laid eggs. The narcissist is a being who possesses many characteristics of the fox. His actions, like those of a fox, are part of the natural force of self-preservation. The narcissist’s aggressive and ruthless behavior is learned very early and forms the inner core of his personality structure.
As long as they don’t get caught in his jaws, or act without conscience or compassion, observing how a narcissist activates his gifts of persuasion, magnetism, and self-assurance can provide those who work for him with a cache of information about maneuvering in the world.
Lauren, a gifted independent film producer, climbed the professional entertainment peaks, starting from the bottom. She began as a gofer, laboring her way through many years of twenty-hour days in various roles. She wrestled on the mat with numerous classic narcissists, men and women who wield incalculable power, never hesitating to push colleagues and workers beyond their physical and emotional limits. Lauren spent these years sharpening her intuitive skills for reading people, learning how to communicate and defend her position with controlled professionalism, regardless of the verbal assaults frequently thrust at her. From script supervisor to associate producer, Lauren quickly developed relationships with a few select, trusted individuals who protected her flanks if her growing power position was threatened.
Throughout the years, Lauren was surrounded by many ravenous foxes, sporting for a kill. She dealt with the severe pathologies of classic narcissistic personalities, who were never wrong, constantly blamed others, and obsessively plotted the professional ruin of a driven rival. At budget meetings, Lauren faced down superiors who questioned her judgment rather than taking responsibility for their obvious mistakes and shortcomings. Lauren was a superior student; she always had complete command of the facts, including a photographic mental picture of every detail of the projects she administered. Although not a professionally trained therapist, Lauren was astute at analyzing the unconscious motivations and behaviors of her superiors and colleagues. She knew how to stroke egos and when to apply the brakes. Put on the spot, Lauren became an expert at calmly confronting a fulminating narcissist who attempted to blame her for his gross errors.
In tense executive meetings, Lauren would first acknowledge that everyone was under extreme pressure. She offered a series of specific alternatives to resolve the budget problems. This avoided the label of blame. However, if she was accused unjustifiably, she spoke up forcefully and convincingly for herself: “I know you are under great stress during this time and understand your situation. I want to resolve this problem and I have presented several approaches for a positive outcome. Let’s focus our energies on these alternative solutions. We can all work together to resolve these issues effectively as a team.”
In summary, Lauren acknowledged the issue at hand; proposed precise, workable plans of action and presented them with confidence; and emphasized the value of working as a cohesive cooperative group. She set an excellent example as a competent, grounded individual who enhances her power position while outfoxing the narcissists who surround her.
One of the most powerful tools in dealing with a narcissist either in personal or in business situations is self-knowledge. Understanding ourselves is a lifelong process. In a sense, the narcissist does us a favor by providing innumerable opportunities to achieve personal insights and to develop self-discipline. He quickly identifies and attacks our psychological sore spots. He digs in where it hurts the most. Whether you seek professional treatment because you are suffering from an emotional disorder or you choose to work through self-discovery—meditation, seminars, retreats, progressive relaxation, bodywork, and so on—all of these modalities will serve you well when you tussle with a classic narcissist.
Begin by studying your opponent thoroughly. Reading this book will assist you in comprehending and appreciating how the classic narcissist operates: his unique character traits, childhood origins of his psychopathology, core conflicts, hidden longings, operatic rages, his sadistic plans of attack.
State the issue succinctly. Do not get personal and vindictive. Defend yourself verbally when attacked by toxic projections. Learn to disagree with clarity and even-mindedness. Be specific with details, not personal feelings, when expressing your point of view. For example: “I understand and can appreciate what you are saying.” “This is how I view it.” “We can agree respectfully to disagree.” Although most narcissists are incapable of self-deprecation, wisps of humor can interrupt the flow of their venom and be applied like adding fine herbs to a luscious stew. Remain open and flexible, grounded in your deep personal perspective.
Like a fine athlete readying himself for world-class competition, prepare your body and mind for the inevitable battles. Most of us are unaware of how tense and anxious we are. Some people automatically accept their high levels of stress and agitation. The consistent practice of deep breathing exercises builds up feelings of relaxation and security within the body. When tendrils of anxiety suddenly strike, an individual who is skilled at deep breathing techniques can shift into a relaxation mode. Progressive relaxation can be enhanced by working with a qualified biofeedback specialist. Hatha yoga performed with emphasis on the breath and gentle movement into the various postures facilitates the body’s sense of inner peace and stability.
Ultimately, we must ask ourselves how far we will go down the road with the narcissist. Since he doesn’t have a soupçon of conscience, we cannot depend on him to ever “do what is right” for its own sake. Those who work closely with narcissists often become their external conscience by reminding them that if they pursue a particular avenue, they will be caught and held accountable legally. The judgment either to stay with the narcissist or to leave is up to each individual.
It is wise to have plans B and C (your escape hatches) clearly in mind when you are working for a narcissist. Prepare by initiating and nourishing professional relationships that will be both supportive and materially helpful if and when you are ejected or squeezed out of your position. Take the offensive by calmly and decisively creating your very own blueprint for a future filled with challenges that will lead to new levels of personal growth.
Ashley and Ty (a classic high-level narcissist) met during their medical residencies. Ashley knew from the first few dates that she was destined to marry Ty. She fell in love with him quickly and deeply. Ashley became a medical researcher; Ty opened a practice as an ophthalmological surgeon. His practice grew quickly. After a few years, he and a couple of partners purchased their own medical building. Ashley enjoyed her research, but after ten years she realized how much she wanted to have children. Ty had always been lukewarm on the subject, but when she became pregnant, he grudgingly went along. Ty had assumed that Ashley would provide all the direct care for the child or that they would hire a nanny. As soon as she gave birth, Ty became sexually disinterested in his wife. He felt jealous of the time she spent with the baby, although his medical practice was the central focus of his life. Ty was emotionally detached from his son, Shawn; he went through the motions of being a father. After her child was three months old, Ashley hired a nanny and returned to work. But these plans were scrapped with Ashley’s profound realization of how precious Shawn was to her and that her mothering was essential to his mental and emotional growth and well-being. The thought of returning to her career in the near future faded. She planned to stay at home full-time for the next three years. Ty reacted to his wife’s decision with cold rage. He didn’t express his feelings directly to her but a palpable tension grew between them. Ty was furious that Ashley would no longer be contributing to the family income. He said to himself: “This bitch is getting a free ride.” He couldn’t imagine why she would want to stay home with a baby that couldn’t even speak. The final blow—she was ruining her career and substantially decreasing her future earning power, thus, eventually diminishing their standard of living. Now their lives were cluttered and fettered by an infant. Ashley convinced herself that Ty would eventually come around and begin to enjoy his son’s company. It would take a while—probably when the child could walk and talk. This never happened.
Ty began spending more time at work, coming home late many evenings after his son was in bed. He found excuses to be away from the house on weekends. He lied and said there was a lot of catching up to do, but then spent time with his buddies at bars or in their homes, watching sporting events. He openly flirted with young women in bars and had several one-night stands in quick succession. He blamed it on the booze. Ty rationalized that Ashley no longer cared about him. She was spending all her time with the baby, or she was exhausted. A bumpy marital year later, Ty demanded to know exactly when Ashley would be returning to her medical research. She insisted that she was committed to taking care of Shawn, especially through the critical developmental years from birth to three years of age. Ty exploded. He railed at Ashley, blaming her for every horrible event that had occurred in his life. For a short while, the household was calm. Ashley assumed that a truce was holding, fragile though it might be.
Several months later on a Monday morning Ty went off to work as usual. He didn’t call after dinnertime or in the following days. Ashley contacted Ty’s office. They said he had been there, but he was always in conference. The police were no help. They didn’t want to get involved in domestic disputes. Ashley was hysterical. After a week, she realized that Ty was not coming home. Ashley was in shock. At first, she couldn’t believe that this man she had known and trusted for so long and with whom she had a child would abandon her without any warning. Finally, through a mutual friend, she discovered that Ty had found an apartment, was attending work every day, and spending evenings with his buddies. Ashley wept for weeks—moving from feelings of deep abandonment and despair to immobilizing fear.
Abruptly, one day an attorney representing Ty explained that her husband was filing for divorce and that he expected Ashley to be cooperative. She felt as if she was being repeatedly beaten. She developed severe migraine headaches and found it difficult to take care of her infant son. It took all her effort to just get through the day. Estranged from her family, she had no blood relatives to provide support and assistance. While she was able to receive some help from a few friends, they were immersed in their own lives.
Ty pushed the divorce through quickly, negotiating cunningly to pay the least amount of child support. According to the judge, since Ashley had enjoyed a well-paid career in the past, she was not entitled to any alimony. Child-support payments to their son, Shawn, were always paid late, held up for months by frequent disputes. Ashley constantly had to hire lawyers to fight Ty in court for child support. She ultimately decided that it was just not worth it. She would carry this responsibility herself.
She tried to work part-time out of the house, but this proved to be very difficult. Eventually, the house was sold and the equity was split between her and Ty. Because the couple had not saved in the past and had spent a lot of money on luxury items, the proceeds from the sale of their highly mortgaged home were modest at best.
Ashley moved into a small apartment with her son. She realized that she must start working in order to support herself and Shawn. She was hired for a decent salary by a private medical research firm that required long hours and minimal benefits. Because she had taken time off for her pregnancy and the extra year and a half of caring for baby Shawn, Ashley had lost the career momentum she had previously achieved.
Ty never contacted Ashley directly again. His communications took place through the divorce lawyers. She was still in shock two years after his abrupt departure. No matter what the expense to her personally, she was determined to responsibly raise her child.
Ashley spent two years in intense psychotherapy. Working with a skilled therapist, she was able to grieve for the loss of her husband and deal with the disillusionment that accompanied the belief that Ty had never loved her. During the therapy sessions, Ashley recognized why she had been so attracted to such a cold narcissistic man, a charming manipulator, who had fooled her completely. With the benefit of a strong therapeutic alliance, Ashley worked through the critical psychological issues of her childhood that precipitated her fateful spousal choice. On occasions, the emotional pain was unbearable. Ashley wanted to give up, lie down, and sleep forever. But she kept her duties in the forefront of her mind: the physical and emotional welfare of her son and the rebuilding of her life.
For the first time Ashley acknowledged that she had been emotionally neglected because of her mother’s chronic clinical depression and her father’s sudden flight from the family as a result of his long-standing affair with another woman. As a youngster of eight, Ashley by default became mother and father to her two younger siblings. She put them to bed at night, made sure they were ready for school, heated their frozen-food dinners, kept the home relatively clean. While her mother sank irretrievably into deeper despair and incapacity, Ashley stepped up her duties as the only “adult” figure in the household. There was never any money. Ashley scraped together what they had, bought the cheapest food possible, and grew vegetables to pick up the slack. Sometimes the children had to eat spoiled bread for dinner.
With her strong intellectual endowment and iron will, Ashley excelled at school. She spent most of her childhood watching her mother being transferred in and out of different psychiatric institutions. Eventually, she was placed in permanent conservatorship, and she spent the rest of her days in a psychiatric facility. Ashley had truly been without a mother or father most of her life.
Beneath her strengths and what appeared to be a stiff independence, Ashley wanted someone to take care of her emotionally. With the childhood struggle behind her, she was always worried about finances, terrified that she would one day be out on the street. She was humiliated by the frequent image she saw of herself as a beggar. She longed to marry a strong man who was determined to be financially successful. She had misconstrued Ty’s tremendous drive as evidence of character and commitment.
After terminating therapy, Ashley continued to work with her psychological process. Above all, she had learned to be honest with herself. The role she had been forced to play as the strong one who held everyone in the family together was substituted for a part that was much closer to her true nature. She now acknowledged that she could be dependent and vulnerable and express her feelings and even admit that she had emotional needs. Ashley put behind her the bitterness and betrayal of her marriage to Ty. It no longer mattered that she be married to an important man who would take care of her. Ashley felt solid and sure that she could manage her life well.
In her own way and over many years of much internal work, Ashley learned to remain steadfast when she was emotionally shaken by the psychological assaults and mental intrusions of the past and present. She charted her own course. With sails billowing, she now maneuvered her craft through rough and calm seas. Besides pursuing her career in medical research, Ashley counseled women in the difficult process of separation and divorce, supporting their transformation into independent, assertive individuals.
It isn’t unusual for us to encounter a narcissist within our own family. It is surprising to realize that one of these impossible people is living in our midst as a blood relative, step relation, or in-law. Some of us have been exposed intimately to full-blown narcissism by one or both of our parents. Dan grew up thinking that his father was the most powerful person on the face of the earth. As a youngster, he worshiped George. George seemed to be able to accomplish whatever motivated him. He was handsome, bright, and dynamic. He also believed that there was nothing he couldn’t do perfectly. A classic high-level narcissist, George was driven to win. As a young man, he had excelled at both sports and academics. George was a college golf champion and at one time wanted to turn pro. Instead, he entered the business world and soon enjoyed status and monetary rewards as an inventive entrepreneur. Katrina, his wife of twenty-five years, was the opposite of her overambitious hypercompetitive husband. Psychologically, a borderline personality, Katrina submerged her creative gifts and feelings of self, deferring always to her husband. Although she was kind to her son; she was emotionally remote. Her chief concern above all others was her fear that she would lose her husband if she didn’t surrender to his will. In both personal and social interactions, George called the shots. Although Katrina loved her three children, her input was minor in the day-to-day raising of them. George made the decisions about discipline, schools, their futures. He controlled the entire household, including the checkbook. There were no discussions. He was pasha and king, the ultimate ruler.
Although he had two younger daughters, Gwen and Anne, he ignored them. They were only women, who needed enough formal education and social connections to marry well. George’s focus was on Dan. He expected his son to become a top professional golfer. George began his son’s training at the age of five. He had designed a specific plan for his son’s life since Dan was a toddler. He pushed Dan relentlessly. Dan felt overwhelming pressure to bow to his father’s demands in exchange for his love. From the beginning, George was very clear that if Dan didn’t succeed at college and become a golf champion, he was a failure, no better than a bum. Dan practiced golf diligently and became highly skilled at the game. He performed well academically. In his senior year of high school, he was awarded an athletic scholarship to a prestigious college. His father was thrilled. George believed that he was the one responsible for his son’s achievement. After all, he was the chief motivator and trainer. Without him, no one in the entire family would succeed, let alone survive.
Dan went off to college, and for a while he felt that he had made peace with his father. For most of his life, Dan had responded to his father’s demands. When he fulfilled George’s wishes, Dan sensed that his father was pleased and accepting of him. If he initiated his own plans, Dad came down on him hard. George turned cold toward his son, even hostile. As a classic narcissist, George was incapable of separating himself from his son or the other members of his family. They were all extensions of him. He was the wise man who knew what was best for them, forcing his family into the roles that enhanced his grandiose sense of self. It never occurred to George that each family member—wife and children—had individual identities and distinct needs and gifts.
During the summer after his first year of college, Dan decided that he could no longer maintain the athletic scholarship. He enjoyed the game of golf and was grateful that he played with such skill. He recognized that this pursuit was not his own; it belonged to his father’s passionate expectations of him. It was time for him to lead his own life and deal with the consequences. He spoke with George about his decision. George was furious and relentless in insisting that Dan retain the scholarship. There was no compromise between father and son. George made it clear that he was cutting Dan off financially. He raged at Dan, screaming that he had always been a disappointment. He was throwing his life out the window by giving up such an opportunity. Dan was saddened by the venomous nature of his father’s response. He took a few of his belongings and went to live temporarily at a friend’s apartment.
Cut off financially and emotionally from his father, Dan faced the future with dread. Dan made a decision to initiate a new course. He made arrangements to become a roommate to one of his college friends, got a job working at night for a security company, and returned to school. He obtained a school loan, since he was now financially responsible for himself. Dan decided to become a teacher of learning-disabled students. He changed his major and began pursuing his new goal. Dan had a tough schedule with no leisure time. Sometimes he felt like giving up. He finally graduated, a year later than he would have if he had kept to his father’s plan. After receiving his teaching credentials, Dan found a position at an excellent school for learning-disabled children. He felt at home there, working with the students, facilitating their educational and psychological progress. Dan knew that he was contributing his gifts for the first time in his life. He kept in touch with all the members of his family except his father. George refused to engage in any form of communication with his son. In an astounding feat of compartmentalization, he came to believe that he didn’t have a son.
Despite the sense of loss, Dan grew professionally and personally as a result of discovering his own path. Within a few years, he became the principal of the school and was responsible for creating a number of innovative learning programs. Although he experienced deep sorrow over his father’s rejection of his life decisions, he remained at peace. He felt himself growing—thriving. Maybe his father would one day make an approach toward reconciliation. In the meantime, Dan had discovered his own separate identity. He was no longer willing to drown in his father’s dreams. He breathed in the air of his independence and his true sense of value.
Being true to ourselves is a key to dealing with the narcissist even when he or she is a parent. If it means the loss of their presence, that sacrifice must be made so that we can call our lives our own.
A person of integrity and insight leads his life with simplicity, seeing things as they really are, without distortion or delusion. When an individual is not deluded by the world and his ego, it is easier to sort out what is vital to his life and what is extraneous. He doesn’t need to continually puff himself up, to reflexively talk about his professional, intellectual, or financial accomplishments. He is grateful for these gifts but unattached to them as the sum total of his worth and meaning.
In his interactions with others, the person who embraces simplicity is straightforward. There are no hidden agendas, no psychological ploys, no manipulative histrionics. A person of character does not feign appreciation or friendship to extract what he wants from you. He has discarded the unfortunate habit of compulsive bragging. He is not interested in social-class distinctions determined by heritage, financial worth, or formal education. He is unimpressed by fame, wealth, or power.
It is difficult for most of us to be unaffected by the worldly achievements and possessions of others. We envy them in secret. We observe the smoothness and order of their days, the privileges and deference, the approbations accorded to them. We feel tugs of regret that our lives don’t measure up. Many people embrace these delicious attentions as a goal worth striving for. Some of us are able to shake ourselves awake to realize that what we are seeing is simply an elaborate stage set on which are replayed a series of empty recirculating dramas.
In human consciousness there is an external and internal reality. For some people, the major focus is external: how they look, what they wear, the impression they are making, net worth, professional prestige, popularity. These touchstones define their identity. For a few, transparency is the goal. To put it directly: what you see is what you get. These individuals are like the purest waters of an azure lagoon, where a swimmer views the white sandy bottom thirty feet down. They teach us to be less concerned with living by an image driven by self-absorption or a rearview-mirror preoccupation with the opinions of others. They put no finger to the wind to gauge if they are liked, loved, accepted, or hated. While acquaintances and “friends” twist complex lies about them, they stand firm and unafraid. The man who lives with simplicity cannot be thrown off balance. He inspires us to become less distracted and attached to the glitter of the outer world, the realm of the ego.
The individual who practices simplicity uses his gifts fully and willingly gives them back to the world. He does not charge a fee for being kind. His inclinations to alleviate the suffering of others are unique and spontaneous, emanating from a full open heart. The wise man enjoys his success but doesn’t view it as an end in itself. He moves through life without the excessive burdens of self-importance and entitlement. Simplicity brings freedom, like a great wind shaking ripe full blossoms off a tree, scattering their tender bouquets on the ground like the train of an elegant wedding dress. The tree is left standing in its pure majesty with the promise that it will fully bloom again.