“Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced.” James Baldwin
Xavier made a promise to himself to visit his father at least twice a month. This would be the third time in the past two months that he’d kept that promise. At first, Hezekiah didn’t have two words to say to him, but Xavier talked to him anyway. He told him everything about what had happened with Raymone, about him giving up the scholarship at Xavier and staying in Memphis to work at Holy Rock. He poured out everything to Hezekiah, even told him about the drug charge, but excluded information about him being gay. He already knew how his father would deal with that realization and Xavier wasn’t up to battling with the man, at least not right now.
Hezekiah seemed to listen to his son. He had little to say, but Xavier did feel that Hezekiah gave him a look of understanding as the man nodded while Xavier told him what had been going on. He wished he could say the same for Raymone, but unfortunately that situation hadn’t changed and Xavier had resigned himself to accept that what he and Raymone once shared had to be put in the past. Their relationship was over, done, finished, kaput. He had tried unsuccessfully numerous times to talk to Raymone and finally just a few days ago after visiting Hezekiah, Raymone had agreed to see him.
The visit was not pleasant at all and Xavier left Raymone’s house feeling lower than low. Raymone made it clear and so did Raymone’s parents that their friendship was no more. He didn’t want to see Xavier ever again. It crushed Xavier like a mountain of boulders had been placed on top of him. That night and the days that followed Xavier remained pinned up in his room. He barely ate, he refused to answer his phone and texts, and each time his mother knocked on his door he adamantly refused to see her. Khalil had called and came over too, but Xavier refused to open up to him as well. He needed time to come to terms with what he’d done. No matter what people said to try to make him feel better, it didn’t work; Raymone was a cripple because of him and he would never ever forgive himself. On top of that, he was facing the drug charge.
Khalil’s candy lady, Detria Graham, had paid good money for a lawyer to represent him. The attorney tried to alleviate any worries or fears by explaining to Xavier that in Tennessee, first-time drug possession charges were classified as a misdemeanor. “Whether you’re charged with possession of marijuana, cocaine, heroin, or meth, you will be charged with a Class A misdemeanor. In your case, it was cocaine. If convicted, you could face up to a year in jail and fines but I am confident that we can get the case thrown out.”
The preliminary hearing had gone off without a hitch, and even when Xavier’s lawyer told him that the best case scenario was getting the charges thrown out or if he was convicted he would seek to have Xavier’s record expunged after a year, Xavier still had his fill of worries. First, it would take at least two more court dates before the final decision was made and Xavier was discouraged about this bit of news. He was not like his brother. He knew nothing about the criminal justice system and he hated the fact that he had been falsely accused. The cocaine found in the car must have belonged to his father or his brother but it certainly didn’t belong to him. He hoped this lawyer Detria had hired on his behalf could deliver what he promised because a criminal record was nothing that Xavier thought he would be facing, not in a million years.
With Khalil making him Youth Director and Financial Administrator at Holy Rock, instead of it making him feel better, Xavier felt more inadequate and more than unworthy of his dual roles and new responsibilities. Sure, he would be making a ton of money, but his sites had never been on being involved in ministry like his father and now his brother. He wanted to go away to college and get as far away from his family as possible. He had a belief in God but not to the point that he wanted to commit his life to it. Christianity was too judgmental for him and he had no desire to be part of it, but here he was, thrown into the ministerial roles all because of his family. He loved his parents and he wanted to please them in any way that he could, but he didn’t see how working at Holy Rock would do that.
After the hearing was over and done, Xavier said a quick goodbye and thank you to his attorney, Detria, and Khalil before he shot out of the courthouse and headed to see his father. He dreaded going but he knew again that this was something expected of him so he did it.
On the way to see Hezekiah, Xavier thanked God for the positive outcome he had in court. He thanked him for Detria footing the bill for his attorney fees, but if that woman thought that he had any real respect for her, then she was sadly mistaken. How could he when she was the cause of his mother and father’s broken relationship. The woman was nothing more than a rich slut in Xavier’s eyes. When she was around with Khalil, of course he acted respectful toward her, but inside, Xavier felt that Detria Graham didn’t deserve his respect at all. He felt like a phony, a hypocrite whenever he was around her.
He had issues with Hezekiah, too. He had cheated on Fancy with the likes of Detria Graham. Xavier had lost respect for his father as well because here he was supposed to be a man of God, someone who professed that he loved his wife, yet he was going behind her back and the church’s back and laying up with a Jezebel like Detria.
This visit was uneventful and Xavier had been there less than an hour when he told his father that he was going to leave. His mind was consumed with thoughts of the broken relationship between him and Raymone and the unhappiness he knew his mother felt over the actions of Hezekiah. Today, he just couldn’t take anymore. He had to get out of that place.
“Take me…Holy Rock,” Hezekiah said to his youngest son.
“Huh?”
“Holy Rock,” his father said again. “Take…me.” Hezekiah frowned as he spoke with force to Xavier.
“You want to go to church?” Xavier asked, hoping he didn’t hear his father correctly. He did not want to be the one to take him to Holy Rock and if that’s what Hezekiah wanted, then Xavier would just have to tell him that he would have to get somebody else to do that.
“Yes. Holy Rock. Want to go to Holy Rock,” Hezekiah reiterated.
“I don’t think I can do that. I won’t do it.” Xavier was just as forceful and adamant as he replied to his father’s demand.
“Take me,” Hezekiah yet repeated again.
This time Xavier snapped and all of his pinned up emotions spewed out like a geyser. “I’m not taking you anywhere. You think this is easy? Coming here to see you and sit with you, talk to you, when I know you’re nothing but a lying, adulterous cheater? You’ve abused my mother; you’ve broken her heart, and you expect me to feel sympathy toward you? Well, I’ve had enough. I’m tired of pretending like everything is okay between you and me. Yeah, you listened to me when I told you some things I was going through, but you know what, Dad…I wonder what you’ll have to say when I tell you that I’m gay!” Xavier shouted before he realized what he was saying. But he was fed up with so much. His family was not all of what he thought them to be. Khalil was power hungry and unrestrained just like their father. He felt that his mother was far too weak when it came to standing up against a man like Hezekiah, and Hezekiah was nothing more than a tyrant. Xavier hoped his words stung his father and from the look on Hezekiah’s face, his words had done more than render a sting.
Hezekiah eyed his baby boy like he was his number one enemy. He began to grunt like a bear.
“Yeah, I thought that would get a rise out of you. To know that your son is gay.” Xavier laughed. “Me and Raymone were in a relationship for two years until I made him a cripple. Now I have no one,” Xavier cried. “He doesn’t want anything to do with me and do you blame him?”
Hezekiah grunted and growled even louder before he screamed at his son… “Get out!”
“Nothing but a word,” retorted Xavier as he turned around and left out of Hezekiah’s room with the quickness.