I’m just like everyone else – I have days when I feel great and days when I don’t feel so good. I’m not a terminally confident person, I’m really not.
Helen Mirren (actress)
I can see, hear, think, say and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.
I am me and I am okay.
Virginia Satir (psychotherapist)
And this is exactly the right place to start; recognizing that you are you and that you are okay. Your sense of self-esteem is embedded in your self-belief, so let ‘I am OK’ become a guiding principle for you, whatever is going on. For example, if you make a mistake or let yourself down in some way it is only too easy to beat yourself up about it and then to descend into a downward self-critical spiral leading to feelings of abject misery and worthlessness. At such a time it is good to remember that you are okay and that you have only made a mistake. People with self-esteem can allow themselves not to be perfect and still be OK.
You also own yourself and therefore can ‘engineer’ yourself. In other words, because you know yourself intimately you actually already know exactly what you need to do to realize your greatest potential. When coaching clients, they sometimes say that they are amazed by what I seem to know about them, but I can only ever know what they have already revealed to me. You really do know yourself very well but you just might have forgotten how special, worthy and lovable you are.
Because we are human we are always in the process of learning about ourselves and our world, and so we are inevitably facing new challenges all the time. Our biggest challenge will always be to remember that we are special, worthy and lovable, however difficult life may be sometimes. I love the way that Helen Mirren describes herself as not being ‘terminally confident’; she may be a supremely talented, successful and gorgeous woman but she still has days when her confidence dips – we all do! Our self-esteem is ultra sensitive to pervading conditions; our feelings about ourselves can change dramatically from day to day, indeed from moment to moment. Check how you are feeling about yourself right now.
Initial Self-Esteem Checklist
| agree | disagree | |
| I am optimistic | | |
| I make good decisions | | |
| It’s OK to be angry | | |
| I believe in me | | |
| I trust my intuition | | |
| The world is a beautiful place | | |
| It’s OK for me to make mistakes | | |
| I love and value myself | | |
| I can allow myself to feel sad | | |
| I believe that I can change | | |
| I can forgive myself | | |
| I can say ‘no’ when I need to | | |
| I express my feelings easily | | |
| I deserve the best that life has to offer | | |
How did you answer these questions? Are you feeling powerful, confident, decisive and at one with the world, or are you feeling threatened, insecure and out of control? In other words, are you feeling high or low in self-esteem?
Listed below are some of the things that people have associated with having high or low self-esteem.
| high self-esteem | low self-esteem |
| Vitality | Lethargy |
| Having confidence | Lacking confidence |
| Feeling happy | Feeling unhappy |
| Being relaxed | Being uptight |
| Security | Insecurity |
| Peaceful and calm | Stretched and stressed |
| Dignity | Shame |
| Realistic expectations | Unrealistic expectations |
| Good personal boundaries | Poor personal boundaries |
| In control | Out of control |
| Feeling ‘in the flow’ | Feeling stuck |
| Success | Failure |
| Charismatic personality | Weak personality |
| Feeling authentic | Feeling like a fraud |
| Self-respect | No self-respect |
| Work/life balance | Burnout |
| Enthusiasm | Depression |
| Feeling connected | Feeling isolated |
How do you relate to these ideas? Do you disagree with any of them? Have you anything you would like to add to these lists?
Today we begin this programme by committing ourselves to choosing to have high self-esteem rather than low self-esteem. I imagine that you might be wondering if this can be an issue of choice. When self-doubt rears its ugly head and we bow to the apparently inevitable feelings of powerlessness and failure, it can be hard to believe we don’t have to take this route. People are inclined to think that high self-esteem is a quality that you have or you don’t. In my practice I often hear clients say that they can’t do something or other because their self-esteem is too low, perhaps you have said or thought this in the past. But when we take a closer look at the phenomenon of self-esteem we see that it is affected by certain conditions and that it is in fact possible to change these conditions.
Self-belief is at the very heart of self-esteem. If I believe that I am ‘not good enough’, worthless and incapable, then my feelings about myself will reflect these thoughts. My behaviour will reflect my low opinion and so my total experience will be one of low self-esteem. Whenever we blame and criticize ourselves our behaviour will always be ineffective.
However, if my thoughts about myself are encouraging and supportive and I believe that I am intrinsically a worthy person who deserves self-respect, then my feelings about myself will be upbeat and authentic and I will act effectively – I will be able to make great things happen in my life. Our self-beliefs or thoughts about ourselves have an immediate effect on our feelings and our behaviour.
To each experience we bring our whole self, that is to say we integrate our mind, body, spirit and emotions. This means that our thoughts, feelings and behaviour exist simultaneously; they are inter-related and in fact create each other to give rise to our total experience. See figure 2.
Figure 2: A Total Experience
Let’s see how this might work in real life.
Example 1: Imagine that you have just been offered a long-awaited promotion at work. Of course you would be uplifted by the news with accompanying positive thoughts such as: I am good at what I do, I deserve this post, my colleagues appreciate my skills … etc. Naturally you will feel an increase in wellbeing and purposefulness, which will automatically lead to more focused, assertive and decisive behaviour. You will enjoy an experience of high self-esteem.
Example 2: And now imagine that the longed-for promotion went to someone else. How do you think you would feel? Well you always have a choice about the way you see things. It would be only too easy to get into a deeply negative state over this by thinking, I’m not good enough, people don’t like me, I’ll never get a better job … etc. Such thoughts would lead to feelings of hopelessness and low confidence and you would soon begin to act like a victim.
It is natural to be disillusioned when we feel let down by life, but people with high self-esteem work consistently to ensure that disappointments and setbacks don’t plunge them into a state of insecurity and lack of self-belief The main point here is that, as far as self-confidence is concerned, attitude is everything! Of course it is relatively easy to feel buoyant when things are going along swimmingly. But we all know that life brings us new challenges on a daily basis and we either rise to face them or sink under the pressure. Everything changes and we must change too; sometimes the stress of this can overwhelm us and make us feel insecure, threatened and vulnerable. Our thoughts, feelings and behaviour are constantly in flux (focus on your mind chatter for a moment and you will see how true this is) and so this means that our levels of self-esteem can easily alter from one moment to the next. You will know only too well how a blow to your confidence can have swift and far-reaching effects on your mood. It only takes someone to press one of our ‘vulnerable’ buttons and off we can go down that slippery slope of negativity into self-doubt, which leads directly into victim-like behaviour. And I know that this happens to you because it happens to all of us.
Take strength from the fact that everyone’s feelings of self-worth go up and down. Perhaps this might help you to feel kinder and more loving to yourself. You are not alone in your insecurities and self-doubts, they are perfectly natural and they don’t need to ruin your life, which you will see as you work through this book. My experience with clients demonstrates that once we can let ourselves off the hook, even a little bit, we can begin to stop the unending self-criticism and start to appreciate ourselves. This is most important because we will never be able to value the gift of our life if we cannot value ourselves.
CONFIDENCE TIP
Value Your Success
You are a fabulous person and you have unique strengths and talents, even if you do not always appreciate them. Many of us are inclined to be continually moving the goalposts and this does us a great disservice. Just when we are about to achieve a success it becomes ‘not quite enough’ and we demand even more of ourselves. Because we hardly ever celebrate our successes, they just get lost along the way.
• Notice when an achievement is ‘not enough’ in itself.
• Consider why you might feel the need to keep ‘proving yourself’ to yourself and others.
• Begin to value each and every one of your successes, however small they may seem.
• Give yourself a pat on the back for all your efforts.
• Appreciate yourself – you are doing your best!
Listed below are various psychological, emotional and behavioural states that are associated with having high and low self-esteem.
| A Person With High Self-Esteem Thinks | A Person With Low Self-Esteem Thinks |
| I believe in myself | I can’t believe in myself |
| I deserve the best | I am undeserving |
| I trust my instincts | I can’t trust my instincts |
| I am in control | I have lost control |
| I value myself | I have no self-respect |
| I can change | I cannot change |
| I am a success | I am a failure |
| I can make things happen | I am ineffective |
| I am good enough | I am not good enough |
| I do the best I can | I fall short of my expectations |
| Feels | Feels |
| Spontaneous | Uptight and rigid |
| Optimistic | Pessimistic |
| Positive | Negative |
| Free of guilt | Guilty |
| Appreciated | Criticized |
| Supported | Victimized |
| Kindness towards others | Antisocial |
| Motivated | Unmotivated |
| Balanced | Out of sorts |
| Relaxed | Worried |
| Behaves | Behaves |
| Effectively | Ineffectively |
| Openly | Defensively |
| Can say no | Can’t say no |
| Creatively | Unimaginatively |
| Can take risks | Can’t take risks |
| Trustingly | Fearfully |
| Can show emotion | Can’t show emotion |
| Lovingly | Critically |
| Light-heartedly | Despondently |
| Assertively | Passive/aggressively |
Can you add anything to these lists?
Can you see how these various states contribute to creating either high or low self-esteem?
Our thoughts, feelings and behaviour are always changing and our levels of self-esteem can alter from one minute to the next. You may be swinging along full of positive self-beliefs, feeling great and then … something happens. This ‘something’ can be any circumstance which knocks you off your even keel by encouraging self-criticism. And so, the thoughts that were supporting your high self-esteem can change. If this happens you will suddenly find yourself sinking into a whirlpool of your negative self-beliefs. Instead of believing that you deserve the best and feeling in control of your life, you will now believe that you are worthless and powerless – you have become a victim of circumstances! The speed at which this change can happen is really quite frightening. As soon as the quality of your thoughts changes, your feelings and behaviour correspond exactly. Instead of feeling optimistic and relaxed, you will now feel insecure and will be acting ineffectively and indecisively.
Your thoughts create the quality of your experience, so become aware of what you are thinking. When you choose to be positive your confidence grows.
EXERCISE
Think of a time when you felt high in self-esteem and then something occurred which totally demoralized you. Perhaps someone criticized you in a particularly sensitive area; maybe you felt that you were shamed in some way or that you simply could not cope. Try to reconstruct the exact circumstances surrounding this situation.
1 Describe how you were thinking about yourself when you were high in self-esteem, before the event occurred.
2 What was your emotional state at this time?
3 How were you acting before the event?
Now recreate the sensations that were linked with losing your self-esteem.
4 What were you thinking about yourself after the event?
5 What mood do you associate with your loss of self-esteem at this time?
6 How did your behaviour change after the event had occurred?
It seems as though our self-esteem is always on the line. We can go up and down and up and down again with alarming speed. Does this sound like you?
If you feel criticized by others your self-doubts will surface. Don’t let yourself be affected by the opinion of other people.
EXERCISE
The interdependency of our beliefs (thoughts), feelings (moods) and behaviour (actions) means that if we consciously change any one of these three then we can transform the nature of our experience. Let’s see how this works.
Review your answers to the previous exercise. Notice the particular relationship between your thoughts, moods and actions before and then after the situation which took you from high to low self-esteem. It is possible to change the effects of this process – you can recover your self-esteem! Figure 3 (page 18) ‘The cycle of transformation’, shows how easy it is to do this.
Take your answers to questions 4, 5 and 6 and insert them in the appropriate places in Figure 3(a). Describe your disheartening event in the space provided. Now look at your completed Figure 3(a).
What does it show you about the relationship between your thoughts, mood and actions on this occasion? Do these elements create a chain reaction? Do they seem to give rise to each other?
Think about the answers you have inserted in the figure. Which, if any, of those reactions could you change?
Could you alter your thoughts about this situation? For example, would you have been so flattened if you had been able to maintain a strong belief about yourself, in spite of the circumstances?
Could you change the way you feel about the event? For example, would it have been possible to bring some humour into the situation, would that have lightened your mood?
Would it be possible to act differently? Maybe you didn’t say what you really meant.
Figure 3: The Cycle of Transformation
3(a)
3(b)
Reflect on the event, thoughts, feelings and actions that cost you your self-esteem. There is always so much scope for us to change unless we want to stay stuck for some reason. The cycle of transformation is a really useful tool for helping us to understand our reactions to certain conditions and to see how we could cope differently and maintain our self-esteem.
Think of one reaction that you could change. Insert this in the appropriate space in Figure 3(b).
How does this change the other elements in Figure 3(b)?
Now you have changed one response in the diagram, fill in the other spaces. Has everything changed? Has this response altered your perception of the initial event in some way? Be as inventive as you can and feel free to use your imagination to create a completely different scenario. Next time a similar situation arises could you maintain your self-esteem?
You could draw your own transformation cycles and use them whenever you are looking low self-esteem in the eye. Be creative: remember you can always change. If your reactions can create low self-worth then they can also create high self-worth. Always choose responses that support your self-esteem.
INSIGHT
Your Future Is Bright
You know that you can change, if you didn’t know this to be true then you wouldn’t be reading this book. And it is your belief in self-transformation that secures your bright future.
Look at the following possibilities.
You can:
• Change your beliefs about yourself
• Alter your mood
• Act differently
• Decide to value and appreciate yourself
• Become a ‘can do’ person
• Adopt an optimistic approach
• Begin a new adventure
• Smile in the face of adversity
• Allow yourself to be less than perfect
• Believe that you can be a success
• Leave negativity behind
• Know your intrinsic worthiness
• Keep confident in the face of challenges
Consider this: Although you might believe something negative about yourself it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is true.
Sophie, 33, is the photography manager for a London-based online designer clothing and accessories retailer. A rising star in the fashion industry, with a smart flat in Pimlico and a large social circle, Sophie certainly appeared to ‘have it all’. We met when I gave a talk on inner style and confidence at the Clothes Show Live in Birmingham and we exchanged cards. A few months later she rang me for coaching for what she called her ‘secret insecurity issue’. Sophie is lovely, talented and gregarious but deep inside she was struggling to live up to her image. She said that her successes often brought with them mixed feelings of anxiety and doubt about her ability to live up to her own reputation. When I asked her to explain this a bit more she said that she spent a lot of time ‘feeling like a fraud who is going to be found out soon’. She admitted that she was good at what she did and that her feelings were actually quite illogical.
We often find that there is actually very little evidence to support our limiting self-beliefs and we can see that our negative emotions are not really founded in logic. Emotions are irrational and it is good to remember this whenever you find yourself losing self-belief for no obvious reason. What we do know from CBT is that it is possible to trace an emotion back to the thoughts that gave rise to it, and that if we change the nature of the thought we can change the nature of the emotion. I used this technique with Sophie and she spent the first four weeks of coaching recognizing her own negative thought processes, documenting them and discussing their reality quotient with me. I asked her to mentally ‘catch’ any negative thought about herself as she was thinking it and then to ask herself, ‘but is this really true?’. This is such a great technique because it begins to shine a light on the many self-critical thoughts that we habitually repeat day in and day out.
Sophie was horrified to discover how many times a day she thought something that she did or said was ‘not good enough’. On deeper reflection she realized that she had always wanted things to be ‘perfect’ from a very early age. This ‘quest for perfection’ is a common theme amongst women and means that achievement comes at a high price – dissatisfaction with self, however well we have done! Sophie eventually traced her perfectionist tendencies right back to being a toddler when she started trying to please her father who was a highly critical man. As all this awareness unravelled, Sophie began to gain a new perspective on her thinking and eventually was able to accept that whatever she did was actually quite ‘good enough’.
Self-change is not so hard. By simply ‘watching’ the exact ways that you think, feel and behave, you will start to develop a new, kinder and more accepting understanding towards yourself.
If self-esteem was a flower then where would we find its roots? This may be easier to answer if we first consider the roots of low self-esteem. We know that its origins lie in lack of self-worth, little confidence and no feeling of intrinsic value. But I want us to go further back, behind even these characteristics, and when we do this we come to what I think of as the seed of low self-esteem: lack of kindness to self. We know how self-belief naturally leads to high esteem, but how can we trust and believe in someone who we don’t like and appreciate? If we are unkind to ourselves we will stay stuck in a negative place leading downhill fast!
We are so excellent at being kind to others, doing good deeds and looking out for our friends and family, but we all struggle with showing love and compassion to ourselves. The unkindness that we bestow upon ourselves can surpass anything that others may possibly inflict upon us. That oh so familiar, critical inner voice telling you that you are useless, no good, not clever/thin/beautiful enough, hopeless … etc. knows exactly how to keep punishing you with its relentless cruelty. Just as you are about to take that exciting new leap it whispers such things as: who do you think you are, you are never going to be a success, you don’t deserve this, oh just give up before you make a fool of yourself … etc. Later on we will take a long hard look at this voice: what it says, how it says it and why it began speaking to you in this unhelpful and discouraging way. For now we are simply recognizing that it is unkind and hurtful; if we believe what it says we will always be low in self-esteem.
The Buddha said that: ‘You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.’ How do you react to this statement? What would it mean to love yourself more? Can you let yourself believe that you deserve all the love and kindness you can get? How could you give yourself more affection?
1 Stop focusing on what you can’t do and start focusing on what you can do. Changing the direction of your attention in this way will certainly uplift your spirits.
2 Buy yourself a beautiful bunch of flowers, some delicious fruit, your favourite magazine …just because you deserve a treat.
3 Don’t worry about what people think – unsurprisingly, everyone else is pretty much taken up with themselves and is unlikely to be judging you.
4 Count your blessings. Michael McCullough, a psychology professor at the University of Miami says that, ‘Grateful people are happier, more optimistic, more satisfied with their lives …’
5 Smile and spread those good vibrations. Yes, you can do this, and when you do you will attract new, positive, life affirming energy.
6 Do something you love: take a walk in the park, curl up with a new novel, meet up with a friend, go for a swim …
7 Talk nicely to yourself. Let your self-talk be encouraging and helpful. Abandon self-criticism for a day and see what a difference this makes to your mood.
8 Stop striving to be permanently confident. This is probably the most effective tip in the book. You will never stay unaffected by life’s ups and downs but know that you can always bounce back.
9 Give yourself time to make decisions, you don’t have to react immediately to the suggestions of others.
10 Be yourself. This means letting yourself be who you
are and not who you think you ‘should’ be.
There are of course many ways to be kinder to ourselves and as you work through this book you will uncover more and more of them. Your growing self-knowledge acts like a giant laser beam scanning your psyche and alighting upon patterns of self-doubt and self-dislike that you might never have noticed before. This amazing process will enable you to see the exact nature of the repetitive negative patterns that lead to your feelings of low self-esteem and lack of confidence. Use your growing self-awareness to help you observe any unkind thoughts you have about yourself; any feelings of self-criticism that may arise, and any hurtful behaviours that you might inflict upon yourself. And when you notice any unhelpful patterns try not to berate yourself even more, but adopt the self-kindness habit instead. Simply ask yourself this question, ‘How could I be kinder to myself right now?’ and then follow your own good advice.
The confident new you is bursting to emerge, but will not be able to do so until you start to activate the ideas we are discussing. At the end of each day there will be a summary of the key issues and an opportunity to create your own personal self-esteem action plan. This is where your journal will be useful. I suggest that you make notes on anything that arises for you as you are working through the 10-day programme, and then take a look at them at the end of the day when you reach the Review. Consider the key reflections and anything else that has made an impact on you. Be prepared for unusual insights at any time. When you are working on yourself at this deep level you might have meaningful dreams, vivid recollections of the past, or sudden realizations that seem to occur from out of the blue. Keep note of anything that is significant.
• High or low self-esteem, the choice is always yours.
• Your biggest challenge will always be to remember that you are special, worthy and lovable even when you are not feeling so good about yourself.
• Your thoughts, feelings and behaviour are constantly changing and this means that your levels of self-esteem can easily alter from one moment to the next.
• Everyone’s feelings of self-worth and confidence are continually rising and falling.
• People with high self-esteem work consistently to ensure that personal setbacks don’t plunge them into the depths of insecurity and self-doubt.
• It is important to value every one of your successes, however small they might seem – self-appreciation boosts your confidence.
• The quality of each of your experiences will depend upon the exact nature of your thoughts, feelings and behaviour.
• If your reactions can create low self-worth then they can also create high self-worth.
• You know that you can change, and this belief secures your bright future.
• Although you might believe something negative about yourself it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is true.
• Lack of kindness to self is the seed that grows low self-esteem. Plant the kindness seed and watch yourself blossom.
This is where you can begin to put into practice some of the things we have been looking at.
1 Take any insight that you have made today:
Example: I hate myself whenever I think I have made a mistake.
2 Consider the patterns (thought/emotional/behavioural) that might lie behind this:
Example: I am only satisfied if I think I am right/perfect even!
3 Create an action point around a possible change of response:
Example: I will start noticing each time I have to be right and remind myself that we all make mistakes.
Try this 3-point action plan for yourself.
My personal insights:
The patterns that might lie behind this:
My action points:
This simple structure can be used to create a practical application from any personal insight that you have. We will use this technique over and over again as you start breaking the negative habits that take away your happiness and confidence.