I want my boys to have an understanding of people’s emotions, their insecurities, people’s distress, and their hopes and dreams.
Diana, Princess of Wales
If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.
Daniel Goleman (psychologist)
When Daniel Goleman talks about our ‘emotional abilities’ he opens up an interesting new way for us to examine our feelings and gives us an empowering sense that we are not necessarily at the mercy of our emotions (although often it can feel as if we are). We know that the CBT model demonstrates the interrelationship between thought, feelings and actions, and that a change in any of these three will directly affect the other two. In Day 2 we began to look at the nature of our thoughts and how they ultimately affect our moods and our effectiveness in the world. Today we are considering the sensitive subject of our feelings and how we can develop and refine our emotional abilities so that we can be confident and balanced.
We can spend a lot of thought, time and money on making ourself as attractive as we can; pandering to the needs of the body we see in the mirror, and of course there is nothing wrong with this in moderation. But how do we care for our emotional bodies, what sort of attention do we pay our feelings?
Do you jump for joy when you are happy; feel miserable when your friend is sad; get upset when you watch distressing news footage; cry at weepy movies …? Of course you do; these states are a natural expression of our being, our feelings are a part of us in just the same way as our physical bits and pieces are. But although we go to great lengths to keep up with the perceived needs of our physical body we are much less likely to give our emotional body anywhere near the same attention. And this is strange because if we don’t look after our emotional needs properly we will be unhappy and very low in self-esteem. You might wonder how it’s possible to take care of our emotions when they often appear to have a life of their own, taking us up and down again, alarmingly and unpredictably. Feelings come and go, they change in an instant. But when we can understand, respect and acknowledge why we feel the way we do, we immediately begin to take confident control of our lives.
Would you describe yourself as an emotional or unemotional person?
Some people are acutely sensitive at the emotional level: they are very much in touch with their own feelings and also extremely aware of the feelings of others. If you are like this, you will certainly know it because this type of awareness can be difficult to handle. It is so easy to become swamped by emotion, whether it is our own or somebody else’s. If we do become overwhelmed by feelings, our thoughts and actions will be immediately affected and our total experience will be limited. Think of a time when you got into a panic about something:
• What happened to you mentally?
• Did you experience any physical sensations?
• How did you behave?
When we feel at the mercy of our emotions we fall into a state of confusion; our judgment becomes clouded (‘Is that the right thing to do?’); we may have physical symptoms (anxiety attacks, butterflies, tension headaches); our behaviour may not be what we expected it to be (perhaps we say yes when we wanted to say no, maybe we are too afraid to do what we had planned to do). It is difficult to react rationally when our emotions are in full flood.
On the other hand, there are those who appear to be acutely insensitive at the emotional level. Do you know anyone who is like this? These people seem to be quite unaffected by the emotional tides of life. The ability to operate rationally is a great gift but not if it is earned at the expense of our feelings. ‘Supercool’ may mean ‘super-insensitive’. If we are not in touch with our own emotions we will remain unaware of the feelings of others. If we deny our feelings then we again limit our total experience. Think of a time when you strangled an emotion because you felt that it would be too painful for some reason:
• What happened to your thoughts?
• How did your body feel?
• How did you behave?
Super-rational or super-emotional, the price is high; it is the loss of a creative, validating and authentic experience and it will cost us our self-esteem. Our confidence and self-respect can only develop when we can balance our rationality and our emotions; we need both traits equally. Emotional awareness is a quality which helps us to cultivate the imaginative and creative parts of our nature and we shall see how very important it is to develop our sensitivity in these areas. However, in order to express our creativity we also need to be able to exercise our logical and rational abilities.
Super-rationality emerges when we deny our feelings and remain unaware of our imaginative and creative potential. This denial usually occurs because deep inside we are afraid of the power of our feelings. We are afraid that we will be overwhelmed and that we will lose control. It is curious, but true, that super-emotionality also develops from the denial of our feelings; we become oversensitive if we are suffering from a backlog of unexpressed emotions which we were afraid to express at the right time.
CONFIDENCE TIP
Love Your Feelings
• Stop for a moment and consider where you are coming from, right now in this present moment.
• Close your eyes and take stock of your emotional states.
• Just notice the ways that you are feeling without judging them, let them just be.
• Can you accept them just as they present themselves to you?
• Adopt an attitude of equanimity towards these feelings, neither trying to hang on to them nor trying to push them away.
• Stop striving; relax and let your uprising emotions just wash over you.
• Visualize these emotions as beautiful coloured bubbles that are drifting around your orbit and then drifting away again – and this is just what emotions do; they come and then go.
• Try a kind and compassionate approach to your emotional states, whatever they may be; this is the way to open your heart to yourself whatever you might be feeling.
• Stay with these feelings of acceptance and openheartedness and notice how this relaxed confident approach affects all your relationships today.
We have seen that when we are high in self-esteem we experience certain feelings and that low self-esteem is associated with other feelings. When our self-esteem is low we may feel:
| insecure | uptight | antisocial | depressed |
| victimized | guilty | worried | critical |
| stressed | afraid of our emotions |
EXERCISE
Look at the list above and choose three emotional states that you have experienced when feeling low in self-esteem. Take one feeling at a time and write down any other feelings which you associate with it. Try to get right into the skin of the states you choose. Get right into the feeling and the feeling behind the feeling will emerge.
Example:
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associated feelings: |
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Guilty |
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anger with self |
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anger with others |
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resentment |
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fear of being found out |
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associated feelings: |
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associated feelings: |
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associated feelings: |
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Are there any associated feelings which recur? If so what are they?
These recurring emotions are called core emotions and they are the deep feelings that lie behind what you might consider to be your more acceptable feelings. The example demonstrates that perhaps it is easier for me to admit that I feel guilty about something than it is for me to recognize my feelings of anger, fear and resentment. If anger, fear or resentment appeared again during this exercise then I would know that the repeating feeling was one of my core emotions. Our core emotions are usually feelings which we find difficult to acknowledge. Do you find your core emotions hard to accept?
But there are two pieces of good news: we all struggle with our ‘unacceptable’ feelings to some degree, so you are not alone here, and there is a creative solution to this difficulty. Post Impressionist painter, Paul Cézanne suggested that, ‘Genius is the ability to renew one’s emotions in daily experience.’ In other words, our most innovative responses are freshly made in the moment and rely on our ability to acknowledge and express exactly what we feel, rather than falling back into old outworn reactive patterns. When we are high in self-esteem we respect our feelings and are able to communicate them appropriately. In this way we can ensure that we are not being ruled by our emotions. When we can accept all our feelings we will no longer be trapped in behaviour which is either extremely rational or extremely emotional. A healthy and balanced emotional life requires that we take the following three steps:
Step 1 |
experience a feeling |
Step 2 |
recognize and accept this feeling |
Step 3 |
express and let go of this feeling |
If we don’t go through this process we will experience a build-up of denied and unexpressed emotion. If we suppress our feelings for long enough the chances are that we will become so out of touch with our emotional state that we won’t even know what our feelings are any more; new feelings will be lost in our emotional confusion and so the build-up of unexpressed emotion continues. There have been so many times when I have asked clients what they feel about something that has affected them greatly and they have answered that they don’t know. The coaching process then involves the unravelling of a tangled ball of feelings in order to clarify the nature of the individual emotional strands.
Can you think of a time when a minor incident occurred and you completely overreacted? Perhaps something quite sad happened and you felt overwhelmed by grief. Maybe a small irritating episode sent you into a great storm of anger. Whenever we deny our feelings, we can’t release them. We can never let go of anything until we first acknowledge its existence. So denial leads to holding on, which means that these feelings that we cannot accept become hidden away inside us. These secret feelings may be buried so deeply that we do not even recognize their existence any more. Our secret feelings (hidden from others and maybe even hidden from ourselves) can create imbalance at all levels of our being: mind, body, spirit and emotions. Suppressed emotions lie within us just waiting to attract our attention in some way: they may erupt at an inappropriate time; reveal themselves in dreams or even cause us to be ill. One thing is for sure; their existence will always guarantee that we stay low in self-esteem.
We cannot respect ourselves if we are denying our true feelings. Our feelings are directly associated with our needs. If we are feeling good our needs are being met and if we don’t feel good it is because our needs are not being fulfilled. Whenever we deny our feelings we are actually denying our needs; we are telling ourselves, and the world, that our needs don’t count and so our self-esteem will be at an all-time low! So here we find a key that opens the door to a new, confident and assertive you. If you are low in self-esteem at the moment, you could ask yourself if your needs are being met, and if not, why not? There will be some unravelling and clarifying to be done but this can easily be accomplished. But before we look at this process let’s lift our energy by infusing ourselves with some positive emotions.
Whatever you focus your attention on will grow: if you keep looking at your difficult issues then that is all you will see. And although you need to look to the roots of your limiting patterns so that you can identify, accept and release them, it is important to balance this with a recognition of your wonderful, natural and positive energy.
10 ways to feel fabulous
1 Give optimism a chance. If you are more of an Eeyore than a Tigger then just give this a try. Suspend all pessimistic thoughts and be optimistic for one day. Notice how this affects you.
2 Enjoy the success of others. Sharing the good feelings of other people is a surprisingly easy way to open your heart.
3 Remember your kindness. Think of the last time you were kind to someone (even very small acts of kindness count).
4 Be an encourager. What can you do to support yourself and someone else today?
5 Visualize a positive outcome. Expect the best and ‘see’ it happening, what does this action do to your spirits?
6 Focus on your best qualities. Look at your strong inner resources here. What a survivor you are!
7 Contact someone you love. Make that important connection and feel your heart respond.
8 Try a spot of cloudgazing. In other words, stop, slow down and enjoy this wonderful moment.
9 Notice goodwill wherever you see it today: on a train, walking down the road, in a supermarket, on the road … How does the kindness of others affect you?
10 Develop your inner smile. This is your response to any appreciative, contented moment – cultivate these feelings.
As we grew out of babyhood we began to curtail the natural self-expression of our emotions because most of us learned, at a very early age, that our feelings were best kept to ourselves. The root cause of this emotional denial lies in fear, and we learned about this fear from our parents and others who influenced our perceptions in our early years. Feelings are powerful energy, and in the adult world there is a widespread fear that emotional expression might lead to loss of control. And because our feelings are an expression of our needs, there is another fear: if we show that we are ‘needy’ in any way, we will be revealing our weaknesses and so will become vulnerable.
Our culture is full of familiar messages which encourage children to keep a stiff upper lip. Did you hear any of these when you were young?‘Don’t be afraid … Boys don’t cry … When you get angry I can’t take it … You shouldn’t feel like that … Don’t cry, it’s babyish … Just grin and bear it … Jealousy is so unattractive … When you get miserable I feel terrible … Just pretend you don’t care … Don’t talk about death it is too upsetting … If you say what you think people won’t like you … Little girls should always look pretty …’ What can you add to this list?
These ideas may have been spoken messages or they might have been passed on in a more subtle way. We learn our beliefs about the way this world works in many different ways. Children often internalize messages which are not actually spoken out loud; the subtler messages of our childhood can nevertheless have profound effects in our adulthood. We have learned and absorbed so much from the vibrations which surrounded our early upbringing. Thought, feeling and behaviour patterns permeate our lives and we experience them at every level; physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. We learn as much from what is left unsaid as from what is said. The raised eyebrow; the smile that never quite reached the eyes; a spoken acceptance with body language demonstrating rejection; the cold feeling which comes from being ignored. There are so many ways that we can learn from unspoken messages.
EXERCISE
What did you learn from the unspoken messages of your childhood? You might have to think very deeply before you can complete this exercise; the messages may have been quite subtle but the implications will be profound.
Example:
1 The unspoken message was:
My father ignored me whenever I disagreed with him.
2 What I learned from this was:
If I always pretended to agree with my father he would give me attention.
3 The implications of this are:
I am now often unable to speak my mind and this makes me very angry.
1 The unspoken message was:
2 What I learned from this was:
3 The implications of this are:
INSIGHT
Let Your Star Shine Brightly
We usually talk about denial in terms of our not wanting to look at ‘bad’ stuff, so we repress it and it becomes shadow material. But there is another take on this which is wonderfully liberating and removes the ‘dark’ feeling that can surround the idea of our shadow (denied, repressed parts of self). As we are so adept at denial it is entirely likely that we are actually repressing some of our natural creative responses which for some reason we have learned to mistrust. Take a look at the list below:
• Kind
• Clever
• Generous
• Trusting
• Talented
• Loving
• Thoughtful
• Responsive
Now give yourself a score from 1 to 10 for each of these qualities, 1 being the lowest and 10 the highest score. If you scored below 5 for anything on this list just consider if your evaluation is actually true. Could it be that you are under-estimating yourself? Are you hiding away from reaching your potential? Are you denying your stellar qualities?
Try adopting an open-minded and openhearted approach to all that you are. Imagine you are ready to accept that you have all the positive qualities on this list and more! You score 10 for every one. Suspend all disbelief for the moment and appreciate your sheer wonderfulness. How does this feel? Perhaps your first assessment was based on a pattern of low self-worth. Try overriding this today and demonstrate to yourself how kind, clever, generous, trusting, talented, loving, thoughtful and responsive you can be. Be a bright star for others.
It’s time to drop those negative thoughts about yourself, they are only getting in your way. Never mind whatever it is that you think you can’t do – concentrate instead on what you can do.
EXERCISE
We all find some feelings harder to accept and to express than others. Fill in the Table of Emotions, with a tick in the relevant column for each feeling, to see what you find easy and what you find hard. Again, you may find the need to think very carefully before doing this exercise. Really think your answers through.
Table of Emotions
| easy | ACCEPTING sometimes difficult |
always difficult | easy | EXPRESSING sometimes difficult |
always difficult | |
| FEELING | ||||||
| sadness | ||||||
| shame | ||||||
| happiness | ||||||
| anger | ||||||
| delight | ||||||
| grief | ||||||
| dislike | ||||||
| friendlines | ||||||
| fear | ||||||
| jealousy | ||||||
| worry | ||||||
| love | ||||||
| vulnerability | ||||||
| frustration | ||||||
| caring | ||||||
| aloneness | ||||||
| rejection | ||||||
| depression | ||||||
| enthusiasm |
What did the Table of Emotions show you? Were you surprised by any of your answers? Look at the feelings that are always difficult to accept. Consider why you find these emotions so hard to deal with.
Maybe you learned as a child that these particular feelings were taboo in some ways. For example, if you showed your love and then felt rejected, it might be too terrifying for you to show your loving feelings now. Perhaps you grew up in a very angry environment, where people were never able to release their anger at the appropriate time and so were always operating on the edge of a volcano of feelings. Some people are angry all their lives and they never discover the root of their anger; they might react to this by discharging anger continually or they may show absolutely no emotion. Extremely hurt and angry people may eventually be numbed by the intensity of their own feelings. If we are really hurting we can try to defend ourselves by moving into a non-feeling mode. So, angry people might come in disguise and, although they don’t raise their voice, the air can be filled with their numbed rage. Think about who was angry in your house and how they showed (or didn’t show) that anger.
Did you find some feelings easy to accept but difficult to express? Although acceptance must come before the expression of a feeling, it doesn’t follow that if you can easily accept a feeling you will necessarily find it easy to express it. Acceptance is one part of the letting-go process and it is the first step, but sharing your feelings is something else. For example, perhaps I can accept my own grief but find it very difficult to express this feeling to anyone else, worrying about what they will think, or whether they can handle it. ‘Can they handle it?’ is a big consideration.
Many people are very afraid of their emotions for all the reasons which we have looked at. These folk ‘can’t handle it’. They send unspoken messages that say:
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1 Don’t show me your emotions, |
because … |
2 I am afraid of your emotions, |
because … |
3 I am afraid of my own emotions |
and so … |
4 I want you to keep your feelings to yourself. |
When you are ready to share an emotion find someone who can handle it. Those who have done some work on releasing their own feelings find it easier to be a listening ear for others. At some point you might feel the need for help: professional coaching/counselling or joining a support group. But you can also work on yourself very effectively.
Consider this: The emotions that you are most afraid to feel can have an amazingly transformative effect on your life.
Kathy, 42, was a primary school teacher who had just been offered a much wanted deputy headship at another school. She contacted me because she was experiencing what she called a ‘huge confidence crisis’ since being offered the post. Kathy said that she had sailed through the application and interview process and, in theory, should have been over the moon. I asked her when her feelings started to become uncomfortable and she said it all began when she had an informal chat with her new head (who we shall call Emma), just after she accepted the post.
Recounting the experience Kathy said, ‘I breezed into that appointment full of excitement and confidence and came out with my self-esteem in tatters. Emma was lovely, almost too lovely and there was just something about her that felt quite threatening to me. She did everything to make me feel at my ease but the friendlier she was the more guarded and stilted I became. I just about got through the meeting and then rushed back home and burst into tears; suddenly I didn’t want my great new job, everything felt too overwhelming and I was considering turning down the offer. I tried to talk about it with my partner but he just said I was being totally illogical and I needed to get a grip. Things got worse and I was unable to go in to teach my class.
‘Then my twin sister Mel dropped by, en route to some glitzy publishing meeting, and asked me what was going on and I felt absolutely incandescent with rage. I told her it was none of her business and I was quite rude to her and she left quickly. Our relationship history is patchy and very up and down. I am always on edge when she is around and feel like I have been running to catch up with her since we were born – she is 20 minutes older than me. Mel was prettier, cleverer and more talented than me in every respect and definitely dad’s favourite girl. Actually after Mel left I realized that she reminded me of Emma and that in the meeting at the new school I had begun to compare myself unfavourably with Emma (who is tall and blonde like Mel).’
As we talked more about her childhood Kathy realized, much to her great shame, that she had always been jealous of her twin’s successes and still was. Once she had admitted this to me, Kathy felt a lot better and was able to go back to work. We then spent a few sessions considering if she could change the way she felt about Mel and if it was possible to let go of the jealousy that was having such a stranglehold on her.
Kathy used a strategy called ‘witnessing’ which is a way of stepping out of a reactive emotional place to achieve a clearer, calmer and more objective state. You can do this too, by just deciding to adopt the role of ‘onlooker’. In this way you can become less attached to your powerful emotions and have a more relaxed response.
Kathy had a strong intention to change and it was this that helped her more than anything. She was ready to accept her difficult feelings and to begin to let them go. As she was able to reach out to her twin their relationship began to blossom and they got to know each other in a totally new way, which was such a great confidence boost to both of them. Kathy took the job of course and began a friendship with Emma. And the moral of this story is that: although our troublesome unexpressed feelings can become very complex and tangled, it is always possible to unravel them and, in doing so, to open up a brand new chapter in our lives.
EXERCISE
You can use this process at any time when you are troubled by your feelings. It will help to clarify your true emotions.
Take an emotion that you find difficult to accept and to express.
Write,
‘I (name) am denying that I feel (emotion).’
For example, I might write:
I, Lynda, am denying that I feel ashamed.
1 I
am denying that I feel
Get a large sheet of paper, a pen, a mirror and a large box of tissues. Now write this statement over and over. Once you have finished writing it then say it over and over. Notice all the feelings that are coming up for you. When you are ready, look into your own eyes in the mirror and repeat this statement. If this is hard just stick at it: mirror work is a very profound experience. If you are feeling very emotional then express it in some way. You may have a bucketful of tears inside you; you might want to bash the stuffing out of a pillow; you may just want to curl up under the duvet and go to sleep. Do whatever feels right. You might feel unmoved and that’s fine too, it doesn’t matter if nothing seems to be happening to you.
Continue the letting-go process no matter how you are feeling.
Repeat the same process for all parts of this exercise.
2 I
am denying that I feel
because
If you can use the mirror then do so; this speeds up the process no end. What is it like to look yourself in the eyes in this way?
3 I
am ready to accept that I feel
4 I
accept that I feel
5 I love and value all my experiences.
6 I love and value all my feelings.
7 I
give myself permission to feel
You are now allowing yourself to fully experience the denied feelings. If you are experiencing other feelings then just acknowledge them. You may feel guilty or angry with yourself. If you do, then complete the following.
8 I forgive myself.
Do you feel angry with anyone else? If so, forgive them.
9 I
forgive you
And so you can express your feelings in many different ways. We have been inhibited about connecting with our most powerful emotions because deep down we imagine that these emotions can cause us pain. But actually this is not true. It is resistance to feeling that causes our pain. If you are afraid of a feeling and suppress it, you will feel pain. If you go with the feeling, then your experience might be very intense but it will not hurt you. Your feelings cannot harm you; they have no power over you; they are an integral part of your self-expression. Remember that you create your own feelings and that they are a colourful demonstration of your unique individuality.
When you can love and value yourself, whatever you may be feeling, you will no longer be at the mercy of your emotions; you will be respecting all your feelings and will be able to express them appropriately. And when your emotional life is balanced you will be high in self-esteem.
• You are not at the mercy of your feelings; you can develop and refine your emotional abilities so that you can feel confident and balanced.
• It is very difficult to react rationally when our emotions are in full flood.
• Feelings come and go, they change in an instant, but as soon as you can understand, respect and acknowledge why you feel the way you do, you immediately begin to take confident control of your life.
• Your confidence and self-respect will only develop when you can balance your rationality and your emotions; you need both traits equally.
• We cannot respect ourselves if we are denying our true feelings.
• Try adopting a kind and compassionate approach to your emotional states, whatever they may be; this is the way to open your heart to yourself whatever you may be feeling.
• Whatever you concentrate your attention upon will grow, so it is wise to focus on your positive emotional qualities.
• Develop your inner smile; this is your natural heartfelt response to any peaceful and appreciative moment.
• Most people are very afraid of their emotions.
• Your feelings cannot harm you; they have no power over you because you have created them yourself.
• Imagine that you are ready to accept that you are full of positive qualities and notice how this make you feel.
1 Take any insight that you have made today:
Example: I realized that I am afraid of showing my anger.
2 Consider the patterns (thought/emotional/behavioural) that might lie behind this:
Example: My mother always suppressed her anger to keep the peace and I do exactly the same.
3 Create an action point around a possible change of response:
Example: I have decided to start acknowledging when I am angry and then to look at the reasons for these feelings rather than just dismissing them as unimportant or too frightening.
Try this 3-point action plan for yourself.
My personal insights:
The patterns that might lie behind this:
My action points: