Figure 5: Two Different Models of Behaviour
If you deliberately plan to be less than you are capable of being, then I want to warn you that you’ll be deeply unhappy the rest of your life.
Abraham Maslow (psychologist)
I wish I’d known from the beginning that I was born a strong woman. What a difference it would have made! I wish I’d known that I was born a courageous woman; I’ve spent so much of my life cowering. How many conversations would I not only have started but finished if I had known I possessed a warrior’s heart? I wish I’d known that I’d been born to take on the world; I wouldn’t have run from it for so long, but to it with open arms.
Sarah Ban Breathnach (author)
I love the images provoked by this piece. A ‘strong woman’; what do you see when you read that? And ‘cowering’; yes you will know what that sort of behaviour looks and feels like; we have all played the victim at one time or another. A warrior’s heart has been yours all along but maybe you have forgotten this; if so, remember it now. How does it feel to stand in your beautiful, shiny, courageous shoes? When we can open our arms to the world, and in particular to the miracle of our own existence, we can believe in ourselves, feel confident and act assertively. Day 4 is all about embracing the dynamic, proactive and determined you. When you are being authentic (real and true to yourself) then your behaviour will be naturally assertive and you will act like a winner. Being assertive does not come naturally to many of us; but it is a skill that we can all develop, and today we are going to investigate exactly how we can do this.
On Day 3 we saw how important it is to stay in touch with our true feelings so that we can ask for and get what we need to make us happy. Today we are going to look at different models of behaviour to see which is most effective in bringing us closer to our goals, and so increasing our feelings of self-worth. We will be considering the answers to the following questions:
• What does it mean to act like a winner?
• What type of behaviour creates high self-esteem?
• Why do we sometimes behave like a victim?
• How can we raise our game and act assertively?
We teach people how to treat us. What is your first reaction to this statement? Do you believe it or not? Much more important than what we do is how we do it. If we are looking for a successful outcome from our actions then we need to understand how the different behavioural styles create different results. It is simply a question of recognizing the inevitable relationship between cause and effect. If we act like a victim then others will treat us like one, and if we respond creatively and courageously then others will treat us with the respect we deserve.
There will always be a direct link between the way that you behave and your level of self-esteem. Whenever you make an assertive response you are acting like one of life’s winners. In this context a winner is defined as someone who always makes the most of their potential, does the very best they can whatever the circumstances, and maintains a positive approach even in the face of extreme adversity. A winner makes non-victim responses and knows the magic formula that creates a winning situation:
self-belief |
+ |
positive |
+ |
assertive |
= |
winning |
Figure 5 shows the range of options that are open to us in any social interaction. If we act assertively then we are respecting our needs, as well as the needs of others, and so of course we will feel confident and sure of ourselves. In order to respond assertively we need to: know what we want (and what we don’t want); be ready to take total responsibility for the life we have created; have open and honest communication with others and be prepared to take a chance.
‘Victim’ behaviour can be aggressive or passive or anywhere in between. If we are acting the victim then we are angry and resentful; we blame people for the things that happen to us; we have poor communication skills; we are afraid to show our true feelings and we are insecure and have no self-respect. If our self-esteem is low we feel like losers and can only operate in this victim mode.
If we act like a victim we can find ourselves swinging between the extremes of the aggressive and passive styles. This is how it works.
• Imagine that something happens and I feel psychologically threatened.
• I withdraw immediately into the passive mode, become defensive and feel sorry for myself.
• I hold on to my feelings of resentment (and let them stew).
• Then at some point, and usually at a totally inappropriate time, I burst forth in an aggressive attack.
• Then, consumed by guilt and remorse, I swing back into the passive mode.
Do you recognize this cycle? Of course not everyone swings between these two extremes. Some people specialize in the passive style while others use aggressive tactics. At first it might seem that these two modes are completely different: an aggressor is loud and domineering and might seem determined and confident, in contrast to the passive person who has a quiet approach and appears to lack confidence and direction. But actually both styles are manipulative and blaming, and they are both ineffective.
Figure 5: Two Different Models of Behaviour
I am sure that you recognize these victim and non-victim behaviour patterns; we have all acted in these three modes at one time or another. If we are feeling low in self-worth we are bound to find ourselves somewhere in the victim category; whether acting passively or aggressively – when our self-esteem is low we can only act like a victim. Conversely, when we are feeling good about ourselves, upbeat and confident we can act assertively and ‘make things happen’; we can only operate in the winning (non-victim) mode when we are high in self-esteem.
EXERCISE
Can you think of a time when you behaved in each of the three ways?
1 A time when I behaved passively
The situation was:
The way I behaved was:
The outcome of the situation was:
2 A time when I behaved aggressively
The situation was:
The way I behaved was:
The outcome of the situation was:
3 A time when I behaved assertively
The situation was:
The way I behaved was:
The outcome of the situation was:
CONFIDENCE TIP
You Can if You Think You Can
• List your past achievements and go back as far as you like: learning to ride a bike, passing an exam, getting a job, your first love affair …. Write these things down on a big sheet of paper and keep adding to the list. You have had so many successes.
• Remember that big challenge that you overcame, how did you cope? What inner resources do you fall back on? Name these and know that you have these qualities in abundance.
• Think back to a time when you were afraid to do something but did it anyway. Each time we leave our comfort zone we refresh and invigorate our energy. You know how to take a chance and you can do this again.
• You have all it takes to do what you want to do in this life; all you have to do is take that very first step. Take it today!
My interest in personal development really took off once I realized that to a large degree I was creating my own reality. This understanding completely blew my cover: I couldn’t carry on blaming anybody any more: parents, ex-husband, boss, traffic wardens, builders … etc. (in extremis I even used to blame the weather). Once realization set in it didn’t take long to get to grips with the fact that each and every time it was someone else’s fault I gave away my own power to change things. If my father was really to blame for my low self-esteem then this meant I had no hope of becoming confident unless he changed in some way. Similarly, if my ex-husband was responsible for my inability to trust men then I had absolutely no chance of ever having another relationship. I only came to terms with my addiction to playing the victim when my first marriage ended and I was living with my two toddlers (then aged 3 and 1).
The choice was stark: to keep complaining and blaming (indulging in victim consciousness) or to change my whole approach and get a life. I have to say that I didn’t change overnight; it took some real effort as there were many negative patterns that I was wedded to. But as I read and understood more about the power of positive thinking, emotional intelligence and assertive action, I became hooked on self-help instead! And of course this passion of mine developed into a lifelong interest and a fabulous career – who would have guessed it? So, if you are indulging in any victim-like behaviour and don’t want to do this any more, I can promise you that you can change; because if I can do it then so can you.
Of course there are reasons why you fall into the state of mind called victim consciousness. At first glance it might seem attractive to hand over the responsibility for your happiness to someone else; you can blame ‘them’ and remain unaccountable for whatever happens in your life. But why would you want to do this? Why is this sometimes such an appealing option? There are a number of possible explanations for this. It might be because you feel afraid to stand up for yourself or that you want people to like you, or that you are just too low to take any initiative. Don’t be too hard on yourself here; we all know what it is like to behave like a victim. When we are severely challenged we are all inclined to become defensive and blaming, it is a natural response. Here we are just acknowledging the two types of behaviour in order that you can check out your present status and discover how to step out of victim mode and into winning mode.
How would you describe yourself right now? Are you ‘making things happen’ (proactive) or do you feel like ‘things are just happening’ to you (reactive)? If you are being proactive then you are assertive, confident, resourceful and high in self-esteem. And if you are being reactive then you have given away your power to other people; you are a victim of the actions of others and will be low in self-esteem. But remember, you can change this behaviour!
QUICK QUIZ
Check out your behaviour status by answering the following questions.
At home
1 Does your family ever take you for granted?
2 Do you do more than your share of the domestic work?
3 Would you like more time just for yourself?
4 Is it hard to say ‘no’ to family members?
5 Do you ever buy clothes and hide them from your partner?
At work
6 Does your job interest you?
7 Are your colleagues appreciative and supportive?
8 Do you always work late when asked, even if you don’t want to?
9 Are you able to express your opinions if you disagree with your boss?
10 Would you like to work somewhere else?
Being yourself
11 Do you often compare yourself with others?
12 You have achieved a success and someone compliments you. Are you able to accept this gracefully or do you brush it off?
13 Do you often feel intimidated when you meet new people?
14 Would you like to be more relaxed with others?
15 Do you ever find yourself apologizing for your behaviour?
In a relationship
16 Does your partner make you feel good about yourself?
17 If ‘yes’ how do they do this? If ‘no’ how do they do this?
18 Do you have any shared goals?
19 Are you waiting for your partner to change?
20 Do you still fancy your partner? If ‘no’ why are you together?
Out in the world
21 You reserve a table at a restaurant and find it is at the back near the door to the kitchen? Do you ask to be moved?
22 A pair of shoes split a month after you bought them, would you take them back? Would you feel anxious if you did?
23 You think that your child is being bullied at school, would you investigate further? Would you ever make a complaint?
24 You are on a diet and friends try to persuade you to eat fish and chips with them. What do you do?
25 Your partner is over the limit but insists on driving. Do you allow it, call a taxi or insist that you drive?
Consider the implications of your answers. Notice the situations where you find it easy to stand up for yourself and those where you don’t. Where are you most susceptible to letting others walk all over you?
Most of us allow ourselves to be victimized sometimes; we all have our own particular areas of vulnerability. It might be easy for you to assert yourself at work but not at home with your children or in your intimate relationships. Sometimes I suggest to clients that rather than taking off their ‘work hat’ as soon as they step over their own threshold, they might try keeping it on for a while and employing some assertiveness techniques with their nearest and dearest. Women frequently say to me that the mixed feelings of guilt, resentment and love that they feel for their families often make it harder to enforce clear boundaries. And of course as soon as we operate with unclear boundaries we begin losing our self-respect and confidence. People with high self-esteem maintain boundaries that are safe for them whilst also remaining flexible enough to change if the need arises. We will be looking in greater detail at this important notion of clear and safe boundaries on Day 9 (Have Brilliant Relationships). Perhaps you feel confident in the areas of your life which are familiar, but find yourself intimidated when faced with a new situation.
It can be difficult to know whether we are being victimized or whether we are just operating from the goodness of our heart. If a friend asks for your help and you have another commitment, what do you do? If you help and cancel your own plans, are you acting like a victim or are you being a good friend? It isn’t always easy to decide whether your needs come before or after the needs of someone else; there is often a very fine line between being genuinely helpful and being a victim of another person’s needs. But there is a way to make a clear distinction.
EXERCISE
Think of a situation where you are unsure whether you are acting like a victim or not.
1 The situation is:
2 How I behave:
3 My feelings at the time are of :
4 My thoughts at the time are:
Whenever you are in doubt about the nature of your actions, look to the feelings and thoughts that you are experiencing.
Clues to victim status are to be found in feelings such as:
Fear
Intimidation
Anger
Resentment
Irritation
Helplessness
Low self-esteem
Vulnerability
Exasperation
Clues to victim status are to be found in such underlying thoughts as:
I’m not as good as …
I want you to like me
I can’t say no
You are more deserving than me
I can’t express my feelings
I am afraid of you
You always get your own way
I don’t value my opinion
Nobody thinks much of me
Look back at your answers to the exercise. Are any of your thoughts and feelings about your particular situation included in these lists or did you come up with something else?
The meaning of our actions always lies in our intention. What are your true motives? What do you really feel? Deep down you will always know the answers to these questions. It can be very challenging to face the fact that you are doing something you don’t really want to do. Sometimes we build our lives around the needs of others and once we start to recognize this we may unleash a volcano of anger which can feel very frightening. However, we don’t have to react in an outrageous fashion: we can change our situation by teaching our victimizers some new ways to behave around us.
A non-victim response is an assertive response. You are assertive when you act in your own best interests and stand up for yourself. You communicate your needs clearly and you also respect the rights and feelings of other people. You value yourself and others and you are high in self-esteem.
We teach other people the way we want them to treat us by being open and honest about what we really want/don’t want to do. How can you know my true feelings about something unless I tell you? Unfortunately, a certain level of communication breakdown can often occur in long-standing relationships where one person thinks that they can predict the innermost thoughts and feelings of another. We can create a victimizing situation (which is of course characterized by its no-win nature) by expecting another person to know what we are thinking: ‘I shouldn’t have to tell you what I am thinking/feeling/wanting, you should just know.’ Never expect anyone to know your needs and desires; if you do, you will always feel let down, you will always feel like a victim. Just tell people clearly what you want; communicate your needs, it makes life so much simpler.
I have an acquaintance, who is well known as a ‘good sort’ because she will do anything for anybody at any time. Whatever I ask her to do for me; I know that she will say yes. She says yes to everyone and her house is often full of other people’s children and she never has any time for herself. She will always put others’ needs before her own and she has very little sense of her own worth. If we are denying our own needs then we have to address this so that we can raise our self-esteem.
Another friend, who is not known as a ‘good sort’ but is well respected, has a totally different approach. If I ask her a favour and she can’t help me, she will always say so. As she is able to say no, I feel much happier asking her because I know where I stand with her. When you know you are ‘using’ a victim it leaves an uncomfortable feeling.
INSIGHT
You Can Decide To Take Control
When enough is enough, it is time to take a stand; on behalf of your wellbeing, happiness and self-esteem. Try some of these ways to get yourself moving in the right direction.
• Give yourself a good start. Begin your day calmly. Be aware that today you are starting to change your attitude and your behaviour. Remind yourself that you are taking control of your life again; doesn’t that feel good?
• Take a risk. Confidence is a quality we develop after we have done the scary thing we think we can’t do because we haven’t got the confidence!
• Be content with your best. Perfectionist tendencies will keep you trapped in a negative spiral of low self-esteem.
• Consider the alternative. A confident and happy life, or the life of a loser? There simply is no choice is there?
• Do something positive to activate a goal. It doesn’t matter how small a step you take because it will lead on to the next step and the next and the next…
• Stop thinking badly about yourself. Notice any negative thought patterns today and mentally blow them away as if they were fluffy clouds in a beautiful blue sky.
• Say what you mean. Why would you ever say something that you didn’t mean?
• Be optimistic. By behaving in a positive and upbeat fashion you will contradict any negative patterns. Just for today give everyone and everything the BOD (benefit of the doubt). Notice how nice this feels.
• Don’t give up on yourself. Be your own best supporter and fan! When you believe in yourself you can easily follow through.
• Love your life. As soon as you do this your life will start to love you back; try this now.
• Keep it light. Stay in touch with your sense of humour and don’t confuse self-awareness with endless navel-gazing.
Becoming a non-victim also requires that we become non-victimizers.
Remember that, in this context, we are using the notion of ‘victim behaviour’ to mean the way we act when we give our power away in any situation and let another person become our ‘victimizer’. In this sense we are ‘allowing’ another person to bully us; we are ‘inviting’ their domineering behaviour. When we put an end to this we do ourselves and them a great favour!
Consider this: A firm decision to step into your confident shoes is all it takes to regain control of your life.
Clare, 29, is a web designer who runs her own company and she is confident, outgoing, and enjoys a great social life. I met her through a mutual friend and when she heard I was writing this book she told me a story about her early days as a student. Clare came from a large working-class family in Liverpool and her parents encouraged her to do well at school so that she could, as her mother put it: ‘Get on in life and not end up on the dole like a lot of the kids round here.’
After winning a scholarship to a local independent school, Clare became an outstanding student and eventually went to Cambridge to study history. Clare said, ‘When I got accepted at Cambridge I was really over the moon and full of confidence in my abilities; I couldn’t wait to leave Liverpool and get on with my smart new life. But from the start I was so miserable. Back home I had been a bit of a celebrity on our estate and on the day I left for Cambridge loads of people came to see me off. In contrast, when I arrived in Cambridge I felt totally insignificant, and even worse I felt stupid, outclassed and out of my league. All the other girls seemed to have such privileged backgrounds and they all had such posh accents, I was afraid to even open my mouth.
‘That first term was really bad and I only managed to make a couple of friends and they were shy bookworms. I was desperate when I went home that first Christmas and I didn’t want to go back. I broke down and told mum what it was like and how miserable I was, and she was brilliant. She reminded me how hard I had worked to get there and how I deserved my place. I was really low in confidence by then and she said I just had to get a grip and go back firing on all cylinders.
‘I had a new stylish haircut and decided to brazen it out; acting confidently even if I didn’t feel it. I joined the drama club as soon as I got back and that’s where things started to turn around. I made friends and regained my buzz, and suddenly the world was a wonderful place again. Whenever I have a confidence crisis nowadays I think back to that time and how low I got, and how a decision to make a go of it really transformed me. I would tell anyone who is feeling low in self-esteem that they have the power to change their feelings and behave differently – a firm decision to change will start that positive ball rolling.’
EXERCISE
Think of a situation where you know you are being victimized.
1 The situation is:
Describe the ways that you behave when you are being over-accommodating.
2 I act like a victim by:
And how are you feeling when you behave in this way?
3 I feel:
What sort of thoughts are you having when you are being victimized?
4 I am thinking that:
What messages are you conveying to your victimizer about your thoughts and feelings surrounding the situation, or do you try not to show these things?
5 I show/don’t show the following thoughts and feelings:
6 Now answer the following important questions:
• Do your true thoughts and feelings match the messages that you are communicating to the person who is treating you badly?
• If your answer is no then ask yourself why.
• Why are you not demonstrating your true needs in this situation?
• Are you afraid of what will happen if you do express the truth?
• What is the worst thing that can happen if you stand up for yourself?
• Can you take responsibility for your experiences or do you need to blame something or someone else for what is/isn’t happening in your life?
• Is it difficult to say no?
• If so why? Are you concerned that others won’t like you if you say what you really mean?
• Do you care more about what people think than you do about the quality of your own life?
Now go back to the original victimizing scenario and simply alter the script. By taking an assertive approach how could you change your answers to question 2? Make sure you keep your answer in the present tense, this energizes you and begins to create your new reality.
7 I behave assertively in this situation by:
How does this new answer affect your other replies to the questions in this exercise? Imagine the different scenario, see yourself in your new role and really try to get into the being of the authentic and assertive you; the one who is high in self-esteem. You can always use this exercise to help you when you are finding it hard to stand your ground. It is not always easy to face the real reasons for your circumstances, but if you keep asking yourself those important questions all will be revealed.
If you find, after answering question 5, that you are demonstrating your true thoughts and feelings about being put upon, then why are you still in this situation? If you know that you are being victimized and you are communicating your displeasure, and your victimizer has not changed his/her behaviour, then you have only two choices; to stay and be forever treated badly or to leave.
Always remember that it is you who have allowed yourself to be treated in this way; there is no one else to blame. When potential victimizers enter your life you can teach them to change their behaviour, and if they persist in their bullying ways then you can leave. Either way you hold all the cards; you have taken constructive control of the situation, you have asserted yourself and have created feelings of self-respect and high self-esteem. When you raise your game, you become a winner because positive action always creates fresh, confident energy.
• You were born to take on the world, so take it on!
• When you are being authentic (real and true to yourself) then your behaviour will be naturally assertive.
• We teach others the way we want them to treat us; teach them well.
• Self-belief + positive emotions + assertive action = a winning outcome.
• When your self-esteem is low then you will behave like a victim and when it is high you will behave like a winner.
• ‘Victim’ behaviour can be aggressive or passive or anywhere in between.
• You can, if you think you can: think it and then just do it!
• Every time you blame something or someone else you are giving away your power.
• It can be very hard to decide whether your needs come before or after the needs of someone else.
• The meaning of our actions always lies in our intention.
• By keeping in touch with your sense of humour you will avoid confusing self-awareness with endless navel-gazing.
1 Take any insight that you have made today:
Example: I am always worried about other people’s opinions of me and this stops me being myself.
2 Consider any patterns (thought/emotional/behavioural) that might lie behind this:
Example: I was bullied at school and I often struggle to believe that people will like me just the way I am, so I stay in a lot and haven’t many friends.
3 Create an action point around a possible change of response: Example: I am going to create a strong intention to overcome my social phobia otherwise my life will never take off. I am going to join a gym and also start a pottery class.
Try this 3-point action plan for yourself.
My personal insights:
The patterns that might lie behind this:
My action points: