To a happy person, the formula for happiness is quite simple: Regardless of what happened early this morning, last week, or last year – or what may happen later this evening, tomorrow, or three years from now – now is where happiness lies.
Richard Carlson (author)
It has been said that if you do something for twenty-one days, without fail, it will become a habit, a ritual in your life. Most people spend time trying to change or break habits. You may not have spent time practicing obtaining a habit, but the habit of happiness is one that is worth practicing.
Dr Robert M Sherfield (author)
This is an interesting thought isn’t it? I can really relate to the preoccupations involved in changing or breaking negative habits, and it is such a wonderful and uplifting turnaround to decide instead to adopt a new habit; it sounds a lot easier for a start. But before we investigate the ins and outs of practising the happiness habit, here is a story.
You may have heard of some of the humorous exploits of the 13th-century Sufi philosopher Mulla Nasrudin, which have been immortalized in the work of Idries Shah. This is one of his Nasrudin tales.
A man is walking home late at night when he sees a worried Mulla Nasrudin down on all fours, crawling in the road, madly searching under a streetlight for something on the ground.
‘Mulla what have you lost?’ the passer-by asks.
‘I am searching for my key,’ Nasrudin says worriedly.
‘I’ll help you look,’ the man says and starts searching with Mulla Nasrudin. Soon they are both down on their knees under the streetlight looking for the key. Eventually the man says, ‘Tell me Mulla, do you remember exactly where you dropped your key?’
Nasrudin waves his arm back towards the darkness and says, ‘Over there, in my house. I lost the key inside my house … .’ Shocked and exasperated, the passer-by jumps up and shouts at Mulla Nasrudin, ‘Then why are you searching for the key out here in the street?’
‘Because there is more light here than inside my house,’ Mulla Nasrudin replies nonchalantly.
Of course we want to feel good, we all want the key to happiness, and this is a wish that we share with all other beings. But, as the tale suggests, we might do well to check out where we are looking for this key. When I wrote my book, Fast Track to Happiness, I uncovered some interesting research undertaken by psychologists at the Universities of California, Missouri and Illinois.
Their study showed that happy people are greater achievers and more successful in both their relationships and their careers, than those with a more miserable approach. The researchers discovered this was because the happier that people were, the more they were inclined to welcome new experiences and challenges and to go for new goals. Their positive moods also made them more energetic, outgoing and popular – qualities that also helped them to do well. The results showed that the more cheerful people are inclined to have happier marriages, to earn more and also to outlive their more miserable peers. These interesting findings contradict the widely held assumption that having the right job, a great partner or more money, necessarily leads to happiness. Dr Sonja Lyubomirsky, who led the study, said: ‘Our review provides strong support that happiness, in many cases, leads to successful outcomes, rather than merely following from them.’
And so, back to the Mulla Nasrudin story. Perhaps the question we need to be asking ourselves is, ‘Am I searching in the right place for the keys to my happiness?’ When clients talk to me about their goals, and I ask them why their success is important, they invariably say that it is because it will make them happy. But maybe we are looking at this the wrong way round; it appears that if we make happiness our aspiration then all the rest might just drop into place.
In 1998 Professor Martin Seligman began a new psychological movement with the central idea that psychology should be focusing on the positive habits that create happiness, rather than on focusing on the negative states which lead to unhappiness. This new Positive Psychology (also called the science of happiness) had its roots in research that showed that childhood experiences and genetic traits account for only 50 per cent of our happiness potential and that we have control of the rest. It has also been shown that those who describe themselves as ‘very happy’ are no more beautiful, sociable or successful than the average person. The social scientists claim that the vital difference between us being happy or unhappy depends on whether we have taken two essential steps:
Step 1 We have discovered what makes us happy.
Step 2 We have included more of these happiness-making activities in our lives.
You might be thinking that this is hardly rocket science, and I do agree, it does sound just like common sense. But take a moment here to think about how you relate to these two steps.
Step 1 sounds so easy but may pose a number of questions. Are you clear about what makes you happy? If you find yourself in that downward negative spiral right now then this question is hard to answer. Low self-confidence makes us miserable, and when we are in this state we can hardly remember what it feels like to be happy, let alone how to generate any get-up-and-go energy. You might be doing things to keep someone else happy or you may be struggling with your inner pessimist, awash with self-doubt or unable to focus on positive goals. And although we all deserve to be happy you might not be feeling this at the moment. Perhaps you have some old beliefs about happiness that are holding you back or maybe you are facing a difficult challenge right now. Check out where you are starting from in the happiness stakes.
QUIZ
Read the following statements and ask yourself if they are true for you.
Score as follows:
1 always 2 often 3 sometimes 4 rarely 5 never
Score
| 1 | I know how to have fun. |
| 2 | I believe that 1 deserve the best that life has to offer. |
| 3 | I make time to do what gives me most pleasure. |
| 4 | I have good personal boundaries. |
| 5 | I have an optimistic approach. |
| 6 | I like and respect myself. |
| 7 | I know my strengths and qualities. |
| 8 | I enjoy good relationships with others. |
| 9 | I have a good work/life balance. |
| 10 | I am positive and motivated. |
If you scored 10–20
You are feeling pretty good about life and are already practising the habit of being happy. This is the score of a person who actively seeks to stay in the positive upward spiral of high self-esteem. Flexible and balanced, you have a developed sense of self-awareness and you can appreciate all your efforts in spite of your mistakes. As you move on in your journey you will experience even more subtlety in your understanding of what it really means for you to be happy. Keep doing what you are doing!
If you scored 21–30
This range of scores demonstrates someone with intimate self-knowledge. You are aware of the way you relate to the positive upward spiral of increasing self-esteem and the downward spiral en route to low self-esteem. However, you do not always use your insights to your best advantage and there are times when you are not wholeheartedly behind yourself. Start to become mindful of the moments when you sabotage your happiness and confidence, and do this kindly; you are looking to help yourself here, not to criticize yourself even further. Gather evidence and knowledge of the negative patterns and defensive habits that stand in the way of your happiness and then you can begin to let them go.
If you scored 31–40
A score at the lower end shows that you are a person who also has a lot of self-knowledge. Sometimes you are inclined to rebel against what you know does you good, and this naturally leads to feelings of low confidence and unhappiness. Perhaps you even ask yourself why you do this. Stop asking yourself and simply adopt the positive psychology line: concentrate on what makes you happy and not what makes you unhappy.
A score at the upper end demonstrates an underlying feeling of being undeserving. This is sometimes a key that unlocks hardcore negativity (patterns that seem to have us in their grip). Start to remind yourself that you are a wonderful person who does deserve the best; keep at this and you will begin to believe it.
If you scored 41–50
You are reading the right book! There is not such a huge chasm between those who are happy and those who are not. High self-esteem is not a special gift given to the lucky few. Self-esteem and happiness are inner qualities that we can develop for ourselves; don’t forget this. You have all the tools you need as well as the most important quality of all – you are motivated to change. This strong intention led you to this book and all you have to do is to implement these daily strategies. Take one step at a time and practise the techniques, remaining kind to yourself throughout. If your goal is to increase your levels of self-esteem and happiness then you can easily achieve this; just keep going.
Happiness, like anxiety, is contagious. Here are some of my favourite ways to ‘catch’ happiness:
1 Do something fun and frivolous – you are guaranteed to capture some carefree childlike energy.
2 Slow down and ‘smell the roses’. Try this when you next find yourself rushing madly from pillar to post and recognize how it feels to stop and take a breather – you deserve it.
3 Stay in the moment. Try this now by bringing all your attention to this very instant. We burden ourselves with anxieties about the future and regrets and recriminations about the past – let them go and step into the NOW now!
4 Appreciate, appreciate and then appreciate some more. A self-explanatory top tip, begin this immediately.
5 Sing in the shower and start the day with a wonderful lifting of the spirits.
6 Perform an act of kindness, and you will definitely catch some happy vibes.
7 Be glad for this day. You are a unique and incredible human being, make the most of your opportunities.
8 Smile, smile, smile. The physical act of smiling triggers a rise of endorphins (otherwise known as happiness hormones).
CONFIDENCE TIP
Take the Path With a Heart
Jack Kornfield is trained in clinical psychology and is an ordained Buddhist monk. In his famous book, A Path with Heart, he says, ‘We must make certain that our path is connected to our heart … When we ask, “Am I following a path with heart?” we discover that no one can define for us exactly what our path should be … If we are still and listen deeply, even for a moment, we will know if we are following a path with heart.’
Whenever you are not feeling at your best, take a moment and check the nature of your path. On a path with heart:
• You feel motivated and positive.
• There is a deep sense of ‘rightness’ about what you are doing.
• You are inspired to act in a certain way.
• It is a pathway full of kindness.
• Things seem to ‘flow’ fairly easily and smoothly.
• Others are supportive.
• It feels like the universe is on your side.
Apply these points to test any difficult situation you are facing right now.
For example, imagine that you are making a career choice and are feeling uninspired and anxious, even though others are being supportive. Obviously your heart is not in this and you need to question your decision. When your actions don’t fit with a heartfelt confidence then it is time to review your situation. Often we change on the inside and then find that we have ‘outgrown’ our circumstances and they just don’t ‘fit’ any more. When this happens we are at another one of life’s crossroads and just need to check the way our heart feels that we should go, and then follow that path.
9 Be wholehearted about whatever you do. If a thing’s worth doing, it’s worth doing properly. My dad was always saying this to me when I was a child and now I know how right this is. Give yourself to life and life will love you back.
10 Celebrate your successes. How often we rush on to the next thing, moving the goalposts as we go. When you can stop and recognize your achievements you nourish your feelings of self-respect and happiness.
‘Don’t worry be happy’ can be such an annoyingly patronizing piece of advice can’t it? It is just a meaningless clichés when we are miserable. Whilst at the other end of the spectrum is the darkness and misery surrounding the relatively newly named syndrome called GAD. Scientists have ‘discovered’ Generalized Anxiety Disorder; something else for us to get anxious about then! Happy clappy, or doom and gloom; which way to go? Life can be hard, it’s true, and we need a workable strategy when we are feeling down; clichés and scary syndromes will not do it for us. We know that we increase our happiness quotient by focusing on the positive qualities and habits that lift our spirits, and that concentrating on negativity will only make things feel worse. It has been said that happiness is a decision; in other words it is an ongoing attitude, a wonderful way to view the process of our life. Let’s see how making a decision to be glad (rather than buying into the hopelessness of GAD) can raise our confidence, self-respect and motivation.
Being positive does not mean taking a simplistic and naïve approach to life. On the contrary, positivity is always life affirming, realistic and constructive; it is an uplifting quality that lightens our mood and enlightens our behaviour – as they say, what is there not to like? I can choose my view of the world: my glass is half empty or half full; my cake is half gone or there’s half left; I believe that I make things happen or that things just happen to me; I get worried about how stressed I am or I turn my mind to pleasanter thoughts.
Lionel Ketchian is a writer and presenter, and a tireless advocate of the happiness phenomenon. He runs the Happiness Club, a worldwide organization which promotes the benefits of being happy through meetings, newsletters and a website www.happinessclub.com. In one of his newsletters Lionel says that:
‘Being happy is my most important job. All you need is the desire to be happy. There is no other way to be happy than to understand how to do it or to have someone show you how. Happiness is a learned response … Happiness must be premeditated. You can’t find it out there! You have to bring it with you. When you practice premeditated happiness, you go into every situation bringing your own happiness with you. You have your own reservoir to dip into. You don’t have to look for it; you just need to practice being happy.’
He reminds us that we can’t find happiness outside of ourselves; money, sex, chocolate, new shoes … all rather lovely I admit, but none of them can bring lasting contentment. And I love this idea that we can bring our own happiness with us; it is so empowering and confidence inducing. Of course things go wrong, naturally we worry and fret, but we don’t need to let these natural reactions force us into that negative downward spiral. Instead we can dip into our own reservoir of happiness, which includes our positivity, stamina, bounce-back-ability, and decision-making powers. Let’s see how this might work.
Imagine your own reservoir of happiness – a calm and joyful resource that you can dip into at any time. How wonderful it feels to know that this supply is only a thought away.
EXERCISE
The next time a difficulty arises and you can feel your stress levels mounting, do the following:
Step 1 Make the happiness decision, which is really shorthand for: recognizing your reaction; remembering that you can choose to sink or swim and deciding to take a positive approach.
Step 2 Take a positive approach to your anxiety. Stress is a happiness buster as well as a health hazard, so don’t pile on the worrying and compound your concern. Acknowledge that you are only experiencing a feeling of being unable to cope (remind yourself that we all feel like this sometimes).
Step 3 Make a realistic assessment of the situation. This means looking directly at why you feel you can’t cope.
Step 4 Ask yourself what you can do to resolve the situation. If there is nothing you can do then let it go. And if you can do something then make an action plan.
Step 5 Make a list of the actions you need to take. Then act, taking one simple step at a time. As you work towards resolving your dilemma you will regain control and feel more confident, and all because you made the happiness decision.
Consider this: A deep underlying emotional pattern can sabotage all the hard work you are doing to increase your self-esteem and happiness.
Nick, 39, is an investment banker whose girlfriend Sarah bought him some life coaching with me for a birthday present. At first he was reluctant to talk, as he was doubtful that coaching could help him in any way, but in the end decided he had nothing to lose by giving it a try. Sometimes the clients that have reservations are the ones that most benefit from coaching, once they discover that they can use me as a useful sounding board. Nick talked about what he called his ‘boring pattern of giving up and feeling stressed when something good happened’. He said that Sarah was fed up with his negative attitude, which she noticed most when things were going well for him. She had bought my book, Weekend Life Coach, and he had read it and realized that this negative pattern was limiting his happiness.
We spent two sessions really scrutinizing this pattern and also considered its roots. Our unconscious patterning needs to be made conscious so that we can see exactly how we are operating and why we keep repeating this (even though it is clearly doing us no good). I asked him to give me a real example of how he has sabotaged himself by falling into a negative downward spiral when something good has just happened. He said that the last time he did this was recently when he and Sarah announced their engagement; ‘I began to feel strange during the [engagement] party and by the end of it I was totally freaked out and thought that we were making a terrible mistake. I fell into a complete slump and took some time off work, it was then that Sarah suggested I talked to you.’
It was obvious that his reaction was not based on any real fears – he had proposed to Sarah and they had lived happily together for five years. And he knew his reaction was highly irrational and that when good things happen he tended to get scared. He eventually told me about a tragedy that occurred when he was four and his brother was six. They were on a family seaside holiday when his brother drowned in the sea and he felt that the family was still experiencing the fallout from this. Nick said that from the day of his brother’s death until now, 36 years later, he was on red alert whenever the going got good and he related it to this incident.
We devoted a number of sessions to Nick’s grief and all the mixed feelings that are part of the grieving process, and we also discussed how his parents overprotected him as a result of the tragedy. He could easily see how he had quickly become a little boy who had learned to be afraid, and especially to be afraid on potentially happy occasions. He said, ‘I think at some deep level I believe that if I can stop a good thing happening then I will be preventing an inevitable tragedy.’ There was no quick fix for Nick but things improved as soon as he was able to be aware of his fearful and concerned feelings as they occurred in the midst of a joyful or successful occasion. Eventually he learned to meditate and this played an important part in helping him to detach himself from the pattern.
Happiness is an inside job rather than something we can go out and get. Take a look at figure 11 to see just some of the ways that a person expresses and creates happiness. You will notice that these ‘happiness’ habits could also be called ‘self-esteem’ habits: happiness and self-esteem go together like the moon and the stars on a clear night. However, don’t let’s get bogged down and overawed by all these virtues – they are aspirational rather than actual; we are a work in progress, and we embrace these qualities when we can.
Figure 11: Happiness as an Inside Job
Our degree of happiness is directly affected by our levels of self-esteem, and on days when our self-worth is low we will definitely find ourselves carrying miserable thoughts. We might not even be conscious that we are doing this. Positive affirmations (sometimes called mantras) are the perfect antidote to negativity because they challenge the validity of our unhappy beliefs in the most immediate way. And don’t worry if you just cannot believe your new positive affirmations because actually that is the whole point; they absolutely contradict your negative beliefs. Of course you will find it hard to believe them, but you must practise believing them so that you change your thinking habits and so change your mood.
EXERCISE
Self-help guru Dr Wayne Dyer says: ‘When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.’ Consider how your opinions and views of yourself and others could be affecting the quality of your life. Make a list of any of your thoughts, beliefs and ideas that might be hindering your happiness and success. Then take this list of negative affirmations and turn them around so that they become positive. The following example demonstrates how to do this.
| Negative Affirmation | becomes | Positive Affirmation |
| I am a quitter |  |
I always follow through |
| I am useless | |
I am good enough |
| I am lazy | |
I can apply myself |
| I can’t say no | |
I can express my feelings |
| I always mess up | |
I do the best I can |
| I hate myself | |
I can appreciate my qualities |
| Things never work out for me | |
I am in control |
| I am a loser | |
I am a winner |
Keep your affirmations in the present tense because if you say that ‘I will be … ’ it will never be realized, it will remain a future promise. And for maximum impact you need to give this strategy the benefit of the doubt. For example, if your negative affirmation was, I am a useless decision-maker and you change this for I make great decisions, stay with the feeling that comes with this new belief, rather than remembering all the times you have been indecisive. Don’t look for evidence to disprove a positive affirmation, rather, just get into the reality of it and imagine it is true for you and as you do so your feelings about yourself and your actions will fall into line with the new belief: if you feel decisive then you will be able to act decisively, it really is as easy as that.
But it’s no good approaching this half-heartedly; you will not feel like a winner just because you said ‘I am a winner’ this morning when you got up. Your mind needs consistent reminding; you need to change those harmful old habits by creating some new ways of thinking, and this takes some application. I have affirmations stuck up on my office wall and on cards in my pocket, bag and briefcase and in my car. I sing positive mantras whilst gardening, showering, driving, cooking, writing … I probably even do this in my sleep! I am always working at maintaining my PMA (positive mental approach) because I need to keep reminding myself to be positive, otherwise, at the first hint of a difficulty I would just seamlessly slip into that downward negative spiral. Training our minds to be positive is essential for our happiness and self-esteem.
INSIGHT
Be Here Now
• Come right back from wherever your mind has taken you – to the future for a quick plan or worry, or to the past for a nostalgic look or a regretful ruminate. Enter into this precious moment of your life, exactly where you are right now, this perfect moment of peace.
• Notice your breathing, in, out, in, out, in, out … and then, before you know it, there you are again musing and plotting about the future, or looking back into the past.
• Return mindfully to the present each time you notice yourself being distracted.
Zen master and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh describes a simple and effective way for us to anchor ourselves in the now. He says: ‘Breathing in, I calm body and mind. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment I know this is the only moment.’
Conscious breathing is a technique that you can use anywhere at any time. Try this in any challenging situation today and notice how it changes your perspective. Use it when you find yourself lost in past or future imaginings (fantasies). Take a mindful walk, remaining conscious of your breathing for as long as you can and gently returning your focus each time your mind drifts off. Experience the perfect pleasure of some happy mindful moments, free of anxiety and free of thoughts.
• You might need to check that you are looking in the right place for your happiness.
• In many cases happiness leads to successful outcomes rather than following from them.
• When in doubt about an action, ask yourself this question: ‘Am I following the path with a heart?’
• Both happiness and anxiety are contagious; be sure to catch the happiness habit.
• Appreciate, appreciate and then appreciate some more – you are guaranteed to create happy vibes.
• Happiness is a learned response, you can’t find it ‘out there’, you have to bring it with you.
• You will not always be able to feel positive and happy and high in self-esteem, but embrace these qualities whenever you can.
• Your opinions and views become a lens through which you filter your perceptions. By replacing your negative affirmations with positive ones you create new realities.
• Training your mind to be positive is essential for your happiness and self-esteem.
• When you dwell in the present moment you will know that it is the only moment.
1 Take any insight that you have made today:
Example: I have only just realized that I live in the future. I am always planning and making lists, which wears me out and makes me unhappy; I never feel ‘on top’ of things.
2 Consider the patterns (thought/emotional/behavioural) that might lie behind this:
Example: I write lists to help me feel in control but this isn’t working. I keep moving mentally and physically but it stresses me out because I am on an endless treadmill.
3 Create an action point around a possible change of response:
Example: I am going to cultivate the habit of conscious breathing. I love the idea of going on a mindful walk and I know that slowing down and learning to appreciate some of my moments will make me calmer and happier.
Try this 3-point action plan for yourself.
My personal insights:
The patterns that might lie behind this:
My action points: