I would like this person to be …Sometimes it’s hard to be assertive when we’re wired to want love and to please.
Nikki Gemmell (journalist and author)
My true relationship is my relationship with myself – all others are simply mirrors of it.
Shakti Gawain (author)
How many times have you wished that someone would just change the way they were behaving? If only: your boss was more empathetic; your mother less patronizing; your friends less demanding; your partner more understanding … (consider your own examples here) how marvellous your life would be! Fill in the following table.
The Ways I Would Like People To Change
Name I would like this person to be …
Name I would like this person to be …
Name I would like this person to be…
Or perhaps you have wished for the perfect man or woman to enter your orbit (and who hasn’t done this?). But notice how these projected desires merely return us to the role of dependent victim; waiting and hoping for someone to be different, waiting and wishing to meet the man or woman of our dreams.
When I wrote my book Weekend Love Coach, I spent some time researching old and new ideas around relationship theory; I also ran an online questionnaire and spoke to many people to hear their own experiences and thoughts. These investigations led me to a number of very interesting conclusions:
1 It is impossible to change another person.
2 We can only change the nature of a relationship by changing ourselves.
3 We might feel unable to leave a poor relationship even when we know that it is not good for us.
4 When we appreciate ourselves we become love magnets, and when we don’t we become victims of love.
5 When we are true to ourselves we can make good relationship choices.
6 Sometimes the best we can do is to just walk away.
7 When our personal boundaries are strong we will have healthy relationships.
Women are especially keen on the idea of changing others, and we try to do this right across the board, saving our very best efforts for changing the men in our lives! Jerry Hall spent 25 years patiently waiting for Mick (Jagger) to stop his philandering ways. She says: ‘I really did think that I could change him. I thought he would settle down and be a wonderful partner, father and husband.’ However, in the end, even she had to give up. Nearly all women allow themselves to be seduced by the myth that they, and they alone, have the power to change the things they don’t like about their partner. But if we don’t step free of this ‘neediness’ we will remain trapped in the negative spiral of ever falling self-esteem.
Look back at the list of those you would like to change and the ways you would like them to be different. How can you alter these people? Have you ever successfully transformed anyone? The truth is that you cannot change anybody and the more you try to do so the worse the situation will get. Whenever you are waiting for someone to change you are acting like a victim; giving away your power to the other person. If your happiness ever depends upon the actions of others then you have lost control of your life and you will feel low in self-respect, disempowered and angry! Reflect on the last time you found yourself giving your power away; what were the consequences of you doing this?
Next time you notice yourself waiting and hoping for anyone to change, stop immediately and consider this wonderful liberating truth:
The ways that people treat me are reflections of the ways
I treat myself.
In other words, the types of relationships that you attract depend entirely on the quality of your own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and expectations. If you are high in self-respect then others will respond well and treat you with the respect that you deserve. If you love and appreciate yourself then you will draw out those qualities in others (remember how we attract what we radiate?). Similarly, if you treat yourself badly, then others will be sure to do the same. If you victimize yourself you will certainly attract the sort of person who is looking for a victim, and if you are low in self-esteem it won’t take much to convince everyone that you are not worth valuing. And if you blame yourself, well you can be sure that very soon you will be everybody’s scapegoat.
Relationships are made within us but this may be difficult to remember, particularly when we need the approval of others. We have been brought up on a diet of romantic fiction and similar mind-bending entertainments that have taught us to look outside ourselves for our happiness, wellbeing and fulfilment. Our search for Prince/Princess Charming will never be successful; we will always be disappointed. Just as I am writing this I can catch the strains of Marvin Gaye in the background singing: ‘Too busy thinkin’ ’bout my baby. Ain’t got time for nothing else.’ Not such a good omen for a relationship but an example of the popular view of romance. Start listening closely to the words of songs and notice where the focus lies.
When we change our focus there may be an initial sense of loss – a loss of potential excitement/danger/the unknown. Why are we so attracted to giving our power away? Perhaps because we really feel we want someone to take good care of us. The pattern of our present relationships is closely linked with the relationship we had with our parents. As babies we are very sensitive to the emotional vibrations around us and as soon as we become aware of our parents’ emotional pain, we try to make it right for them; to keep them happy so that they carry on looking after us. This feels like a survival issue to the tiny, vulnerable and needy baby, and so, pleasing its parents becomes vitally important. Our future relationships will tend towards this underlying emotional pattern, which expresses itself like this:
I will try to be what you want me to be if you will stay
with me and give me what I need.
Do you recognize this theme in any of your relationships? If you do then I am sure that you know this way of running relationships just doesn’t work. People can’t always be what we want them to be and so we inevitably feel let down. We might then try to change them or we may give up, submit and become resentful, or we may leave and look for someone else who we think will give us what we need.
EXERCISE
(a) Changing another person
Think of a time when you tried to change someone; this can be anyone that you are/were having a relationship with (friend, family member, partner).
Be specific about the changes you were seeking.
The behaviour I wanted to change was:
What exactly did you do to bring about these changes?
I tried to change this behaviour by:
Reflect on what happened when you did this.
The outcome of the situation was:
Can you describe the type of relationship you now have with this person?
Our relationship now is:
Did your attempts to alter this person have any effect on your relationship? If so, what happened?
Our relationship changed in the following ways:
It is only possible to make changes in a relationship if you yourself are prepared to change. All the time you are focusing on the other person is time wasted looking in the wrong direction.
(b) Choosing to stay in a poor relationship
Have you ever stayed in an unhappy relationship? If so, can you describe it?
This relationship is/was unsatisfactory because:
I tried to change this relationship. yes | no
I chose to stay in this relationship because:
I would describe my feelings for the other person as:
I am still in this relationship. yes | no
My feelings about myself are:
I would describe myself as having high/low self-esteem.
CONFIDENCE TIP
Glow With Social Confidence
How come some people can charm the birds out of the trees while others can only be described as shrinking violets? How about you? Are you always in the kitchen at parties? Would you like to know how to tap into some social confidence skills and feel more at ease with people? Try the following:
Get over yourself and get going. Life is too short to waste time in endless navel-gazing. If you want a vibrant social life then you have to put in the effort and get out there and take a chance. You have nothing to lose except loneliness.
Adopt a more flexible attitude. If you are inclined to stick to the same ‘type’ of friends and lovers you might have become socially limited because of this. Open your mind to new and interesting people; spread your net wider and give everyone a chance to shine.
Let others inspire you. As soon as you appreciate the good in others they will begin to naturally respond to you. We all warm towards people who encourage our self-belief and show us respect.
If you have tried unsuccessfully to change the nature of a relationship and you still find yourself involved, then look closely at your motives. Are you living out the underlying ‘pleasing’ theme that you developed with your parents when you were a baby? Do you need to please people; do you need to be ‘looked after’ at any cost?
There is a double irony in this situation. First, we can hardly feel ‘looked after’ in an unhappy relationship, and second, what we are most looking for outside ourselves is the caring, nurturing and approving that only we can provide for ourselves. Are you wired to please or can you dare to please yourself? We are no longer babies; we can take responsibility for our own care (physically and emotionally), we are free to be our naturally confident selves.
Choose the shyest person in the room and get them talking. Four great results here: (1) you realize that you are not the only shrinking violet; (2) you help them to relax; (3) you appear outgoing and confident; (4) you feel outgoing and confident!
Develop your listening skills. Listening is surely the most underrated communication skill and also must be the easiest. All you have to do is listen! Ask an open question (one which needs a few words to answer) and then focus attentively on the other person. Before you know it you will have a conversation going.
Demonstrate your interest in others by using positive body language. Make good eye-contact and adopt a relaxed posture; immediately the other person will feel at ease.
Take the pressure off by keeping the atmosphere light and positive. People love to laugh, so give them a reason to; don’t be afraid to have fun!
Fall in love with your life and you will become an irresistible love magnet. Try this now!
10 ways to please yourself
1 Stop doing things that you don’t want to do.
2 Say what you mean, not what you think others want you to say.
3 Respect yourself as well as respecting others.
4 Act assertively.
5 Communicate clearly.
6 Tap into your creativity and natural positivity.
7 Take time out to ‘be’ rather than to ‘do’.
8 Trust your gut instincts and act accordingly.
9 Remember that you too deserve to be happy.
10 Befriend yourself; this relationship is for life!
When we can love and appreciate ourselves we will attract loving and appreciative relationships. This is easy to go along with when our relationships are blooming, but when we are feeling badly used it can be hard to believe. Relationship experts Marni Kamins and Janice Macleod remind us that: ‘While you are in a relationship, it can sometimes feel as if the goal is to love your man as best you can so that he will be happy, and thus you will be happy. However, the true goal is to love yourself in good times and bad, no matter what.’
Ah, good times and bad, now that is a big ask! First let me tell you a secret: even life coaches get grumpy! Yes it’s quite true. And fabulous go-getting self-believers; charismatic alluring love magnets; assertive, trailblazing winners – they all have their days off! No one is confident all the time so just let yourself off this particular aspirational hook right now and things will get a whole lot easier. I know that in life coaching we say things like, ‘expect the best’ and ‘you get what you think you deserve’, and for sure it is important to stretch ourselves beyond our limiting self-beliefs, but it is only too easy to turn our personal development journey into a massive test where yet again we are never ‘good enough’. Appreciating and valuing yourself does not mean loving only your positive, confident, sociable, brilliant and intelligent selves; it means loving your whole self; and this means warts and all! The real challenge comes in loving your disbelieving, self-doubting, fed-up, grumpy and judgemental selves.
When you can accept your own human moodiness then you will be less self-critical and this leads to increased self-esteem and happiness, which leads to relaxed and improved relationships with others.
| SELF- ACCEPTANCE |
→ | INCREASED SELF-ESTEEM |
→ | IMPROVED RELATIONSHIPS |
Think of, say, a woman you know who is confident and sociable and consider her talents. She might not be the best-looking woman in the room but she will have a certain inner style that draws others to her like a magnet. She attracts the attention of others (both men and women) because she radiates certain qualities. Take a look at the following diagram.
Figure 13: The Qualities of a Love Magnet
QUICK QUIZ
Reflect upon each of the six qualities. Would you say that these statements are true or untrue for you?
Score 2 each time you answer – True
Score 0 each time you answer – Untrue
If you scored 10–12
Things are looking very good for you. Even if you are not in a significant relationship at the moment, you have the inner confidence and belief to attract positive people into your life. Keep radiating those good vibrations and just you wait and see who walks through the doors of your expectations!
If you scored 6–8
You have what it takes to be a love magnet. Even if only three of these qualities are true for you, this demonstrates a certain degree of ‘attracting’ power. Look at where you scored 0 and raise your game in these areas. What would you need to believe about yourself to obtain the maximum score? Begin to believe it!
If you scored 2–4
Review the quality (or qualities) that were true for you. Imagine that you are demonstrating this quality now and really get into this feeling of optimism and confidence. Now all you need to do is to demonstrate more of this assertiveness; carry this positive energy into every area of your life and you will be amazed by who you will attract.
If you scored 0
Your positively ‘attracting’ qualities will kick in as soon as you decide that enough self-criticism is enough! Keep working on the techniques in this book and remember that you deserve to be happy and that you are ready to take the next exciting step on your journey. Start by repeating this mantra: I am a love magnet. You see, it works; you are smiling already.
Your partner wants to do this, you want to do that. A friend wants you to babysit but you have already made plans. Your child wants you to be a taxi service and you want an early night. A colleague needs you to stay late to help finish an important piece of work and you have a hot date. So many times we are faced with this dilemma – how do we find the balance between being a: loving partner/parent /child; good friend; supportive colleague; and also taking care of our own needs?
In psychology we speak of healthy and unhealthy relationships, and you can very easily work out which category each of your relationships falls into. A healthy relationship is one where you are able to satisfy your own basic needs, and you can identify these needs by becoming aware of your personal boundaries.
Counsellor Robert Burney explains what it means to set up personal boundaries: ‘The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.’
Think of a time when somebody invaded your physical boundaries and your reaction to that. Now consider a more subtle level of invasion, at the emotional level – when did this last happen to you and how did you feel? You will quickly know when your emotional boundaries are being invaded; someone will be too familiar or push you too far and you will immediately feel uncomfortable. As soon as this happens, check your boundaries. You do this by asking yourself: ‘How far am I prepared to go with this person?’
Naturally you will set different boundaries in each of your relationships; for example you might tell your best friend something that you would not share with your partner. Perhaps your ability to trust others will set different limits on your willingness to open up. And of course your boundaries are flexible and will change (as you grow more or less intimate with others). You can always judge the health of a particular relationship by understanding it in terms of how far you can go with anyone (physically or emotionally) and still feel comfortable. If you are ever uncomfortable in a relationship, you have allowed yourself to go beyond your personal boundaries and you need to stop and re-evaluate what you are allowing to happen and why.
Wherever you have a boundary problem you will also have low self-esteem. Poor relationships, unhealthy boundaries and low self-esteem go hand in hand.
Consider this: Low self-confidence leads to unhealthy boundaries which always lead to poor relationships.
INSIGHT
Maintaining Healthy Boundaries
You are in control of all your relationships and it is good to remember this when things get tricky. Because we teach others how to treat us, it is possible to change ourselves and so change our relationships. Whether you are considering your family, friendships or love life, you can always draw a new line in the sand, which effectively says: you can go this far and no further. Your new expectations and behaviour will certainly alter any relationship dynamic; the other person might rise to the occasion and be prepared to change their ways or this might mean the end of your relationship. Sometimes we do outgrow people and situations and then all we can do is let go and move on.
How to draw a new line in the sand
Reflect on any relationship difficulty that you have at the moment and try this activity:
Sarita, 34, a senior project manager in the healthcare sector rang me in despair. Tom, her boyfriend of four years had ended their relationship a few months ago and she described herself as having absolutely zero self-esteem and not knowing which way to turn. I think of the end of a relationship as a type of bereavement, and it can take any amount of recovery time. But by the time Sarita and I talked she had been crying in her cocoa for long enough and was now feeling pretty angry with Tom and with herself.
• Be specific about what is happening.
Example – My partner doesn’t get on well with my grown-up children and I feel divided loyalty.
• Is there anything you can do about this?
Example – I can speak to them all and tell them how uncomfortable I feel.
• How did this work out?
Example – My children were a bit embarrassed but my partner said that he understood.
• What action did you take to improve the situation?
Example – We decided to invite the children and their partners around for a family social evening.
• How did this work?
Example – It was excellent, everyone made an effort and I felt much more relaxed about everything.
She described her relationship history as being very poor: ‘I am just so bad at keeping blokes and I have only ever lived with Tom. I had hoped that this was going to last but he has always been a bit temperamental and I was forever thinking, is he going to stay or go? Last year he went skiing with his mates and I discovered that he had a fling with a girl while he was out there. He brushed it off and I decided to just forget about it – he has had a few flings over the time we have been together so I didn’t take it too seriously. But then he met someone at work and said that he couldn’t be what I wanted him to be and that I was just too needy and it made him feel claustrophobic. I was so hurt at first and I could hardly get out of bed but thankfully my great job saved me from total hibernation.’
I asked Sarita to tell me a bit more about Tom’s ‘flings’ and she said that she had got used to him ‘going off’ occasionally but always expected him to come back. I asked her how she had felt when he saw other women and she said that she was humiliated but ‘always just hoped he’d come back to her’. When I suggested that she had allowed Tom to behave badly she found it hard to see how this could be. But over the course of a few weeks she became more in touch with her deeper emotions and started to recognize her own unhealthy boundaries. We did some work on building her self-confidence and she began to socialize again. A few months later she contacted me to say that she was feeling much better and that she had met someone who treated her well and helped her to feel positive about herself, and then she said, ‘I can’t believe what I let Tom get away with, I must have felt so low about myself’
Working on creating healthy boundaries is a wonderfully practical and direct way to increase your self-esteem.
• Your most important relationship will always be the one that you have with yourself.
• We cannot change another person however patiently we wait.
• Remember that you, too, deserve to be happy.
• As soon as you begin to appreciate the good in others they will naturally begin to respond to you.
• Believe that you deserve brilliant relationships and you will begin to attract them.
• When you are true to yourself you make good relationship choices.
• Fall in love with your life and you will become an irresistible love magnet.
• We are responsible for the ways that we let others treat us.
• Create healthy boundaries and your self-esteem will automatically rise.
• Sometimes we outgrow people and situations and then all we can do is let go and move on.
1 Take any insight that you have made today:
Example: I never feel totally myself when I am in a relationship, and if my partner is angry I always assume that it is my fault.
2 Consider the patterns (thought/emotional/behavioural) that might lie behind this:
Example: I am overanxious to please and this means I often ignore my own feelings.
3 Create an action point around a possible change of response: Example: I am gradually becoming more aware of when I go into ‘pleasing’ mode and am already beginning to change this reaction.
Try this 3-point action plan for yourself.
My personal insights
The patterns that might lie behind this
My action points