Sneaking into the house via the Pussy Hatch would only delay the inevitable, Kevin decided. It would be better to face his mother, show her the Tallisker paycheck, and get this whole ordeal over with. Judging from the old ten-speed bicycle locked to the porch railing, Abelia had company. She’d be less likely to cause a scene in front of a guest, he hoped, which meant he might be able to get his full explanation out before his mother had the chance to launch into an angry tirade.
But the sight of that bicycle also gave Kevin pause. He didn’t recognize it, and he couldn’t imagine his mother befriending whatever dirty hippie probably rode it, even in her newly altered state of mind. The thought of finding some grimy dude in Chuck Taylors and an ironic T-shirt bending his mother over the dining room table made him want to gouge his eyes out on the bike’s rusted handlebars.
“Oh, just go in there, you big pussy,” Mr. Gregson shouted from the porch next door. Kevin couldn’t see his neighbor behind the privacy screen, but a thick tuft of cigar smoke proved he was there. “I promise you’ll like what you find.”
“You know whose bicycle that is?”
Mr. Gregson answered with a grunt but didn’t elaborate. Kevin cursed under his breath and trudged up the front steps. His neighbor had made him more nervous instead of less, but he couldn’t bear the thought of showing that crazy son of a bitch any further signs of weakness—even though he was now pretty sure the owner of the bicycle was yet another magical nut job come to torture him with some new and hitherto unimagined form of ridiculous stupidity.
Abelia and her guest sat at the dining room table, conversing softly over steaming cups of tea. His mother’s eyebrows jumped up into her scalp as he strolled casually into the room.
“What are you doing home so early?”
Kevin heard her as if from a distance, her voice too faint to attract his full attention from the surprise seated at the head of the table. Nella—magically cloaked in her human form and wearing a conservative yellow dress with puffy shoulders—smiled up at Kevin and blushed.
“I thought it was time to meet your mother,” she said shyly, as if she’d been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
Try as he might, Kevin couldn’t force his gaping jaw to close. He’d seen a lot of incomprehensible things these last few days, but finding his mother and his kind-of-girlfriend-who-he-always-thought-was-a-hallucination conversing over tea as if it were the most normal thing in the world somehow trumped them all. Perhaps it was because he’d known the two of them for an extremely long time and never seen them in the same place. Maybe it was because each belonged to a world he’d assumed could never interact with the other’s. Or, given his more immediate concerns, perhaps he simply couldn’t believe that Nella was taking such a huge risk by visiting his home after they’d agreed that they should keep their distance until the problem with Billy had been worked out.
“What are you doing home so early?” Abelia repeated, the surprised tone of her previous inquiry replaced with something dark and suspicious.
His mother’s question shocked Kevin back to reality. “Turns out Fran only hired me because he wants your recipes,” he replied. That likely wasn’t so far from the truth. “We had it out, and then he fired me.”
Abelia’s eyes narrowed further. “You didn’t give away any of my secrets, did you?”
“No ma’am.”
“Good boy.” Her expression softened and she smiled gently as her attention shifted back to Nella. “Nell here was just explaining your secret romance.”
Blushing, Kevin pulled out the chair beside Nella and sat down. He needed to figure out what his mother knew and what lies the water nymph had told her as quickly as possible. Abelia seemed oddly approving of this arrangement, but she was no idiot; if their stories didn’t match, she’d catch it and call them on it. Kevin really wished Nella had discussed this with him first so they could’ve built a solid game plan—and so he could’ve tried to talk his longtime lover out of whatever had gotten into her.
Apologizing seemed like a solid opening. “I’m sorry, Ma. I should’ve told you.”
“Hush, you,” Abelia snapped. “I understand that it can be more fun when it’s secret, especially if there are no long term plans to make it serious. Honestly, I’m kind of relieved that you were with a girl all those times and not just masturbating furiously to some twisted porn like I always assumed. You two weren’t particularly quiet, you know.”
Blushing with the power of a trillion suns, Kevin suddenly wished he had Nella’s ability to melt into a puddle and trickle away through the cracks in the floorboards. “You never said anything.”
Abelia shrugged. “Boys will be boys, especially when they discover their willies are good for more than just taking a leak.” An odd look came over her face then. “At least, that’s what I think I thought. You know you’re getting old when so many things turn so blurry. But enough about that. Nell, you were about to explain where you’re from and what you do.”
Oh, this ought to be good, Kevin thought.
Nella leaned forward, cradling her cup of tea in both hands. “I’m from Brazil originally. My parents are environmental advocates, so we traveled a lot, mostly to third world countries and developing nations, the kind of places where a few well-placed individuals might be able to make a legitimate difference. There was a… well, we’ll call it a falling-out between Mom and Dad and their superiors, and we finally settled over in Woodville eighteen years ago. My parents are retired, but I’ve kind of carried on their work.”
“How so, dear?”
“I freelance for the park service, counting fish and aquatic animals and insects, checking the water quality of the nearby rivers and lakes.” Nella shifted uncomfortably. “It doesn’t pay much, but I don’t need a lot. Dad comes from money.”
Listening intently, Kevin’s mind whirled in a futile attempt to process which parts of that explanation were legitimate and which parts were pure bullshit. He suspected Nella’s story was more true than false, that it was absolute fact from a certain point of view and with a few details stripped away. He suddenly felt bad for never expressing more of an interest in her past. It wasn’t that he hadn’t wanted to know more about her, of course—it was that he’d always thought the attractive blue girl who visited him on random evenings was just a dream. He wondered how different their lives and their relationship would be had he known all that time that Nella was, in fact, a real live woman madly in love with him.
“And how are the rivers and lakes doing these days?” Abelia asked.
“Fine, mostly. Every now and then I find a spot where some asshole’s been throwing his garbage, but for the most part people around here respect the land. That’s how I first met Kevin, you know, some of his idiot friends were about to soil the lagoon over in the Works, but he stopped them and ran them off.” Nella turned to Kevin, the stars glittering in her eyes. Luckily it was physically impossible for him to blush any further. “It was love at first sight.”
“Uh-huh.” Abelia sounded skeptical of that last part. Just a few days ago, that sort of sentiment would’ve reduced her to a crying, quivering mess. “So tell me, dear: what are your intentions toward my one and only son?”
Nella took a long sip of her tea as she gathered her answer, and then she smiled the most genuine smile Kevin had ever seen. “I want to make him the happiest man in the world.”
For several seconds, no one moved or spoke. Kevin continued to wish he could disappear. Abelia surely wasn’t buying a word of what she surely saw as hokey crap designed to trick her into approving of her son’s secret romance with a woman she’d never heard of. Visions of his mother going for the Super Soaker so she could wield it like a club as she chased Nella out of her home danced through Kevin’s mind. This, he knew, would be the moment when life in Harksburg became completely intolerable, when the two people he cared about most turned on each other and made his existence a living hell.
“Do you know the answer I got when I asked Kevin’s last lady friend that question?” Abelia asked deliberately.
Kevin somehow successfully fought the urge to piss himself. Nella shook her head, her eyes wide.
“She said she wanted to ‘help him become a huge success’ so the two of them could buy a condo in Chicago and a summer cabin in the Hamptons,” Abelia said with a mischievous smile. “But she was a gold-digging skank. I like your version better, as unrealistically romantic as it may be. I’m glad you came to see me today, Nell.”
The air returned to the room and the two lovers started breathing again. Kevin wanted to laugh but was still too shocked to make it happen. He’d never heard his mother speak ill of Kylie, but knowing that she shared his assessment of his ex-girlfriend made him feel better about a lot of things.
The water nymph smiled. “I’m glad I did, too. I think we’re going to get along just fine.”
Abelia stood, rolling her eyes. “Need a refill?” she asked.
“Yes, please,” Nella chirped as she handed over her teacup. Abelia whirled and strode into the kitchen.
Kevin immediately wrapped his arm around Nella’s shoulders and leaned in close. “What the hell were you thinking?” he whispered. “You know what happens if you get caught here, right?”
“We’re not going to get caught,” Nella whispered back. “Billy can’t see through this disguise. Besides, the only reason you’re risking your neck with that reaper is so we can be together. This is us being together. These are the kinds of things we’re going to have to do to make that happen. You think Billy just…just up and leaves and never pays any attention to you ever again just because you hook him up with someone new? We’re playing the long game here, Kevin, and we need to establish a solid cover as soon as possible.”
Although Kevin couldn’t get past the risk involved, he couldn’t argue with her logic—and he rather liked the idea that they might be able to conduct their relationship in public rather than merely via secret late-night trysts. Not that he didn’t enjoy secret late-night trysts, of course, but Kevin knew that being in a relationship involved a heck of a lot more than waiting for a woman to sneak in through your bedroom window and start taking your clothes off. He wanted to sit and watch TV with Nella until one or both of them fell asleep on the couch. He wanted to drive aimlessly around town with her in the passenger seat, singing along with whatever was on the radio. He wanted to go to the town fireworks with her on the Fourth of July. Without working Nella into the community and helping her gain the acceptance of the important people in his life, doing those things or any others like them would be downright impossible.
The thought left Kevin Felton absolutely petrified. Even if he found a way to take care of the reaper and somehow avoid getting dusted out of his skull by Driff, happily ever after would never be particularly simple. All the magic bullshit would never truly go away. It would always be part of his life, lurking under the surface like a shark circling a group of bathers. He wasn’t sure it would be worth it…but he wanted to find out for himself.
Somewhere, he knew, Kylie was having a good laugh at his expense. She had never had much use for romance that didn’t involve a fancy present or an expensive night out.
Abelia returned, bearing two steaming cups of tea. She set one down in front of Nella and leaned back against the side of her own chair, examining the younger woman as only a mother can.
“Will you listen to a piece of advice?” Abelia asked.
Nella nodded. “Of course.”
“While you’re busy making my son the happiest man on earth, don’t forget about yourself,” she said slowly. “I forgot about myself, and it took me twenty-seven years to remember. I think it may have only happened because I forgot a few other things that I thought were more important. Making up for lost time is fun, but it’s also kind of a drag when you start thinking about all the things you missed.”
Nella repeated her earlier nod. “I’ll keep that in mind.” Kevin knew her well enough, even in her disguise, to tell when she was thoroughly confused. This was one of those moments. He reached under the table and squeezed her knee reassuringly.
“And you,” Abelia continued, pointing one accusing finger Kevin’s way. He flinched back into his chair, accidentally squeezing Nella’s knee hard enough to make her gasp. “Don’t go getting all emotional and thinking what I just told your little girlfriend means I don’t give a shit about you, dumbass. Oh, and you’d damn well better be good to this one when she needs some space. Lord knows you do enough stupid shit that she’s going to need it eventually.”
“Y-yes, ma’am,” Kevin stammered. Nella shot him a wink.
“Good. Nell, dearie, how would you like to watch the soaps? Dr. Albert’s been stuck on a deserted island for three weeks and hasn’t been able to find a shirt.”
With a bright smile, Nella bounced to her feet and plucked her teacup off the table. “Think he’ll finally catch that Amazon that’s been stalking him for the past four episodes?”
“Probably,” Abelia replied as she hooked her arm through Nella’s to guide her into the hall on their way to the living room. “Then they’ll have a few episodes of island bliss before Mrs. Albert finds them together and all hell breaks loose.”
“I can’t wait!”
Left alone at the dining room table, Kevin put his head in his hands and sighed heavily. Although he was glad that Nella and his mother were getting along, he couldn’t help worrying about the unholy alliance they’d formed. Assuming that things couldn’t possibly get any more complicated, he realized, had become an exercise in futility.