Lost in New York.
Beck had lost count of the days he’d spent in his room, too distraught to do anything. Too upset to speak to anybody, and too upset to go out.
It had been two months, and yet he sat in his room alone, wondering why he couldn’t get Raven out of his mind. She’d betrayed him in the worst possible way.
He’d been broken with what she’d done, yet he was broken without her too. The constant battles in his head telling him he shouldn’t still want her after what she did were driving him crazy. Crazy enough to shout at himself to stop.
When he’d managed to speak, he’d called the college to leave a message. After losing his phone, he had to get a new one but never had a backup, so calling the college was the only way to contact them as he and Donnie hated social media and didn’t have accounts.
“Hello, Gable College, how can I help you?” The woman’s voice said on the other end of the phone.
It sounded like Veronica who was Kato’s cousin. Beck swallowed down the lump in his throat as the memories of the night Kato had shown him the report.
“Yes, this is Beck,” he almost whispered. “Beck Traynor. I was hoping you could pass a message along to Raven Valiente. I don’t have her number.”
“Yes; of course, Beck. What would you like me to say?”
“Um… Could you ask her that if it’s all a lie, to call me on this number?”
He knew it was a little cryptic, but Raven would know what he was talking about. If she didn’t, he hoped she would call to clarify. He hadn’t been able to shake the feeling that something wasn’t right. It could’ve been that he was in denial, but he needed to know for sure.
“Ok, I shall get that message to her. Anything else?”
Donnie still hadn’t returned his call from the day he arrived, so he decided to ask again.
“Yeah, Donnie never returned my call. Did he get the message?”
“I gave it to him myself,” Veronica replied happily.
“Could you please tell him I need to speak to him? It’s important.”
“Of course. I’ll get the message to them immediately.”
Beck never received any calls. Even after calling back, neither returned his call.
So everything Kato had said was true about Raven, and also his best friend was ignoring him. If he had to guess that was because his girlfriend, Ava, was Raven’s best friend.
Beck rolled over on his bed and punched his pillow. He needed a distraction. Something to take his mind off her.
But with what he didn’t know.
“Beck, can I come in honey?” his mom asked as she knocked on the door.
“Sure,” he replied, sitting up.
The door opened, and his mom walked in, wearing an outfit that could only mean it was a flying visit.
“How are you feeling?” she asked, sitting down next to him. She put her arm around his shoulders and hugged him into her.
Even though it was nice of his mom, it didn’t feel as loving as it should have felt for him.
“Still pretty much devastated,” he muttered, looking at his hands in his lap.
“Well, you need to get up and get out there again,” she smiled. “There are plenty more girls out there who would jump at the chance at being with somebody as handsome as you.”
But they’re not Raven. I only want Raven.
Beck clenched his jaw.
He didn’t want anybody at all but his mind kept telling him that Raven was still the one.
“I don’t want to, mom, can you leave it now. Please?” he asked, tired of hearing the same thing.
“This isn’t good for a man. Staying holed up in his bedroom. You need to… You know.”
He knew what she was talking about.
Sex.
His stomach turned with nausea.
The idea of having sex with somebody other than Raven still felt like cheating. It shouldn’t because she’d betrayed him and he should just bounce back to the way he was.
But he couldn’t. He didn’t want to. He still wanted her.
In college, he wouldn’t have fucked all of those girls -not as many as people thought- if he knew Raven had feelings for him. All he’d wanted was her, but he thought he’d never get her. The only girl that he’d wanted to kiss, and from the moment they’d met.
He never kissed because he never wanted any feelings to be involved. Fucking was just fulfilling the base need for release. Girls approached him, willingly, and he never wanted to give anybody the impression that he wanted anything else.
He’d only wanted that with Raven, but she never wanted him.
Seeing her look at him like she did, knowing he’d been with other girls; he hadn’t liked it. He didn’t stop though because she didn’t want him. No matter how much he tried, and fucked up, to show her that he did. He was obsessed with her just the same.
Jerking off wasn’t an option so he did what he needed, only when he needed to.
He genuinely thought he never had that chance with Raven until she knocked on his door.
It had been everything he imagined, and more, as he made love to her.
He wanted to kiss her so badly but managed to restrain himself. He didn’t want to freak her out more than she probably was already.
He’d honestly thought things would be different until he came out of the bathroom just as his door was closing.
She’d left. Used him, just like the others, and he’d never felt so cheap in all his life.
That’s why he had the rules. He’d never wanted to make anybody feel that way, because he never did, until that moment. Not that he thought he was so amazing that girls fell in love with him; far from it, he knew it was all they wanted. He just didn’t want them to think he wanted them for more, when he didn’t.
He wanted somebody he couldn’t have.
“Are you listening, Beck?” his mom asked, bringing him out of his thoughts. “I said you need to go out and meet people.”
“I don’t want to,” he replied. “I don’t need to meet anybody. I just want to stay here and study. That’s my focus.”
Studying only helped so much. When it came to Economics, it tore him apart all over again.
He was never going to recover from Raven breaking his heart.
“Well, ok, honey. I’m just worried about you.” His mom stood, and smoothed down her white trousers. “Well, I’m meeting Ginny for lunch. I’ll see you later.” Then she was gone, and he was alone.
Beck lay back down, staring at the ceiling as a lone tear fell from his eye.
No. He wasn’t going to recover any time soon.
Four months had passed since leaving, and Beck received his graduation certificate. He didn’t want a ceremony, and he didn’t want a big deal being made out of it.
He’d told his mom ‘I graduated with honors’ as if it was an everyday conversation.
She seemed genuinely happy for him, hugging him tight and kissing his cheek.
“I’m so proud of you sweetheart!” she beamed. “Now you can start living your life again.”
Those were similar words she’d used after his dad had cheated on her…with multiple women. She was devastated because for some weird reason, she’d loved Jack so much. It had taken her two years to pick herself up. ‘I can start living my life again,’ she’d said, but he wondered whether it was her or the anti-depressants talking.
Once Beck had called his dad to say he’d gotten his certificate, he said ‘congratulations’ followed quickly by ‘when are you coming back?’
He hadn’t been close to ready, but Jack had called every couple of days for the next two months after that. Beck just wanted to stay for a little longer. He’d been so busy going between working out and studying, that he needed some room to breathe. However, Raven had never left his mind. She was still in there as strong as ever.
He’d given in a week later, and moved to his dad’s house, being thrown into work immediately. He’d been there for three weeks when it had gotten too much.
His dad was overbearing and cold as usual. His personality fitted that of a narcissist, and nothing ever mattered but the business and himself.
It would have been graduation the previous day, and Beck had been thinking about Raven again, and how she would’ve looked in her cap and gown as she walked on the stage to receive her certificate. Along with Donnie, Ava, Kerry, Leila and the others.
He needed to get out and get some air, so getting onto his car, he went for a drive.
Beck had driven for almost an hour when he slowed down towards some traffic lights. He did a double take when he saw a silver car that looked like Donnie’s parked up outside a bar.
He looked at the license plate.
It was Donnie’s.
His shattered heart jumped into his throat and before he knew it, he was walking into the bar, seeing a group of them celebrating graduation. A head above the back of a green chair, with shiny black hair.
Raven.