SUCH A COLD-TARTED BASTARD

aka: Chocolate-Pretzel Tart with Earl Grey Whipped Cream

PIES vs. TARTS vs. FRENEMIES

PIES have top crusts and/or crusty toppings, high sides and delicious fillings.

TARTS have no tops, shallow sides and delicious fillings.

FRENEMIES have nothing up top, shallow all over and deep inside.

CRUST

• 3/4 cup butter
• 3 tablespoons granulated sugar
• 2 1/2 cups crushed pretzels

1. Mix all that stuff together and then press firmly into a greased tart pan. (You could do that blindfolded, I bet!)

GANACHE

• 6 ounces heavy cream
• 1 packet (or teaspoon) instant coffee
• 12 ounces semisweet chocolate chips
• 3 tablespoons corn syrup
• Pinch of salt
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1. In a medium-ish saucepan, warm heavy cream and coffee over low heat until steaming. DO NOT BOIL. (Seriously, yo!)
2. Remove cream from heat, add chocolate chips, and wait a couple minutes. (tick tick tick…) Then stir until smooth.
3. Dump in the corn syrup, salt, and vanilla and stir again.
4. Pour this mixture into your mouth — I mean, into the prepared pretzel-tart crust and fridge it for about 4 hours (preferably, overnight).
5. Serve cold, like your frenemy’s heart.

WHIPPED CREAM

• 1 tablespoon Earl Grey tea leaves (about 2 packets of tea)
• 1 cup heavy cream
• 2 teaspoons sugar

1. In a small bowl, stir Earl Grey tea leaves into the heavy cream. Then cover and refrigerate this mix for 8–12 hours. (NO LONGER!)
2. Strain the cream into a medium bowl, pressing on the tea leaves to extract as much liquid as possible. Discard the tea leaves.
3. Whip the heavy cream with the sugar, or fridge it and whip up to a day later.

CHEW ON THIS Who the heck is Earl Grey? He was, in fact, a real dude — the Uk’s prime minister from 1830-1834, to be exact. He somehow got a black tea flavored with bergamot named after him. Although I doubt he ever lifted a pinky finger to actually make his own tea, ya know. Typical.