In heaven, alongside God, all the questions I had for Him no longer needed answers. How could He abide evil in this world? Why was He such a punishing God? I knew in an instant that God’s plan for us is perfect, even when bad things happen and we don’t understand why.
But I did have one question I felt compelled to ask, and as soon as I found myself in God’s presence I asked it: Why didn’t I do more for You?
It wasn’t a question as we know it; it was something that passed between us in that effortless, instant way. The same ease and fullness of communication I experienced with my angels was there with God, too. And because of that channel connecting us and allowing things to pass between us – and infusing me with more and more and more of His love – I felt humbled, and I felt compelled to address this shortcoming from my time on earth. Why hadn’t I accomplished more in His name? Why hadn’t I talked more about Him? Why hadn’t I done what He asked me to do?
It’s not that I felt regret – regret is a negative emotion, and there is nothing negative in heaven – it’s that I loved God so much I felt like He deserved so much more from me.
But God wouldn’t allow me to feel bad about it. There is no feeling bad in heaven. There was no answer to my question, because there was no need for an answer. Despite what I had believed on earth, I knew instantly that our God is not a punishing God. He is a loving God.
I realized I didn’t just love God.
I realized He IS love.
Then the four of us – God, my two angels and me – were suddenly moving down a tunnel. It was a magnificent passageway of blinding, swirling, shimmering brightness – brightness above me and on my sides. I have heard people who died talk about finding themselves in a tunnel, and I understand why they use that term – because, while it wasn’t like any tunnel we have on earth, it felt like the brightness was not only surrounding me but guiding me toward something. And at the end of the tunnel there was a burst of an even brighter light – more intense and more vivid and more golden and more beautiful than all the other brightness.
And I instantly knew what this brightness was.
It was the gates of heaven.
I was at the very entrance to heaven.
And then an understanding passed between God and me. The channel that connected us was always open and we were communicating constantly and intensely, but this was a purer communication, a more important message.
The instant I became aware of the gates of heaven, God said, ‘Once we get there, you cannot come back.’
I understood we were near the point of no return in my journey, and that filled me with such excitement and such expectation I couldn’t wait to get there.
But, in that same instant, I had a vision of my four children.
I’m not sure exactly how they appeared to me; all I know is they became part of my awareness. All four of them – JP, Sabyre, Micah and Willow – came up so clearly in my mind because I was nearing the point where I would not be able to go back and see them again on earth.
But in the same instant that my children came to me, I also understood that they would be okay without me, that, like He does for all of us, God had a perfect plan for their lives. I would see them again soon enough, there in heaven. It wasn’t like I had this big argument with myself about it. I knew what I wanted to do. ‘Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me,’ it says in Matthew 10:37. ‘Whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.’ I can remember hearing this scripture preached on Sunday mornings and thinking, I could never love anything more than my children. I simply couldn’t fathom it. But in this perfect moment, a moment God created for me, I understood, and I was absolutely clear about my intentions. I knew there could be nothing between God and me. God comes first, and everything else is second. And so another understanding passed between us.
‘I want to stay with you,’ I said.
We moved through the tunnel, toward the glowing entranceway. There was no rush, no urgency, just a blissful sense of calm. I knew where I was going, and I was ecstatic.
But then I became aware of yet another presence in the tunnel, just ahead. And I knew it wasn’t meant for me to get to the gates just yet.
You see, there was someone God wanted me to meet.