14

It’s a Date

You’ve got a date, you’re going out, and you’re not fretting your pretty little head over anything except perhaps the problem of what you are going to wear.* Far be it from me to poke holes in your pink cloud, but there are a few points that I’d like to remind you of.

First and foremost, once you have made a date, keep it. The only excuse for breaking a date is the unforeseen occurrence of a crisis in your family, sickness, death or change of plans — Mom and Dad decide to go away for the weekend or to include you in a project which they have at hand — theatre, visit, etc. Obviously, in such instances, your parents’ desires come first and you must tell your date so — giving him the honest reason why you have been forced to cancel out.

But if you have no good reason to break a date, other than your own wish to do so, then you should not. Indeed, good manners demand that you must not. Even if it means turning down a chance to do something else you would much rather do, you have got to stick with your original agreement. You have given your word and should not go back on it. Furthermore, the boy you first accepted and then turned away is going to find out sooner or later that you broke your date with him to go out with another boy. Believe me, he is not going to be one little bit pleased. You’ve hurt his pride (a breach of good manners and under any code a most unfeeling way to behave), and who is to blame him if he tells all his friends that you’re a stinker. As for the boy you picked in preference, he may be flattered that you broke a date to accept him, but deep down he will be somewhat suspicious of you, afraid that you’ll pull the same trick on him some day. Coming and going, you’ve gained nothing by your cavalier behavior, save a reputation for not being trustworthy.

Much better is it from the very beginning to refuse a date that you know you may not want to keep. There are ways to accomplish this gracefully, without hurting anyone’s feelings. All you need to do is to sound genuinely sorry that you must say no, suggesting that you have already made other plans. If the boy is the kind who does not name a date, but simply says hopefully, “When are you free?” I admit the problem becomes more thorny. In that case, there’s not much you can do but say that for the time being you are fairly heavily booked up and your parents think you ought not to accept any more engagements. If that doesn’t work, nothing will — if the poor guy can’t take a hint, well, you are stuck with having to give him a firm “no.”

When a boy calls you for a date, say yes or no, don’t hem and haw. Teasing is not nice. Nobody likes to be kept dangling. For my money, the deadliest female menace of all time is the girl who first must find out all the details — where they will go, whom they will see, etc., — before she will give her answer. You’ll be behaving in a much more intelligent and lady-like fashion if you make your decision without first fishing to find out what is involved. You can always ask afterwards what sort of plans he has in mind, so you may know how to dress. Never forget that it is both polite and smart to let a boy think you have accepted a date because of the boy himself, not because of the good things he can offer.

What to do about a blind date? You hesitate to say yes right away for fear of being stuck. You are, I agree, in a ticklish spot. My advice is to say yes when you trust the person who is making the arrangements. In spite of the fact that the unknown boy may turn out to be a flop, you at least know the other couple involved. After all, it is only one night in your life. You can suffer a bit to do a friend a favor. If, on the other hand, you are asked to go by people you know only slightly, you are perfectly free to refuse. Politely, of course. But, a word to the wise, don’t be afraid of blind dates. Even if the boy is awful, he may have a friend who is divine.

Speaking of dates, stick to your own, unless you want to lose one of your best girl friends. Even if her beau asks you (and you know she’s crazy about him) be diplomatic and tell him “No.” Because not only will she be an unfriendly friend, the other girls can and will get mighty catty. If you do like him, and he you, be patient and wait till her romance blows over. If he’s sincere he’ll ask again in a month or two.

Assuming that you have said “yes” to the boy who has asked you for a date (and that I think is a fair assumption for most of us) don’t forget to be ready at the appointed time. No boy — repeat — no boy likes to. be kept waiting. It is, I assure you, boys’ biggest peeve. Be downstairs and ready to go to the door when the bell rings. Do remember to introduce your date to your parents, if they have not already met. That last admonition is important. It is very rude to waltz out of the house with a boy whom your family has never laid eyes on.

Once out the door, a date begins in earnest. What, oh what, some of you ask, do we talk about at this moment? Anything under the sun. Talk about school, sports, television, movies, any subject which you think will spark his interest. You wouldn’t start with butterflies, unless you happened to know in advance that your date is devoted to them, but you might choose basketball or bathing suits. The “b’s” are full of possibilities, as are the other twenty-five letters in the alphabet. If you are shy and hate to make the first move, plan something ahead to get the ball rolling. A question is good, since you can sit back and listen to the answer. Try something like “Did you see the game yesterday?” or “What do you think of so-and-so on TV?” Your date is bound to have some opinion. Encourage him to express it.

Chances are that you will be out on a double date, so the burden of conversation won’t be up to you alone. Do make sure, though, that you don’t flunk your responsibility. Keep interested in what is going on. Throw in a comment when there is a pause or lag. Try to keep yourself somewhere between the two unpleasant extremes of the chatter-box who never lets another get a word in edgewise; and the silent mouse who can’t even muster up a squeak all evening long.

One important thing to remember on a double date is to keep the conversation general. Don’t spend all your time talking to one person, the other girl, your date — or worse, her date. Consider what it means to the others to be left out. Two people on a double date who cross-talk constantly between themselves make others feel uncomfortable and unwanted. It’s so easy to bring everybody into the conversational circle. A “Don’t you think so?” or “How do you feel about it?” will do the trick.

For Heaven’s sake, in your search for a topic to talk about, don’t fall back on gossip. If you only knew how boys squirm when they hear two girls going at it tooth and nail, you’d never utter another “You’ll never guess what I heard  . . . ” again. Cattiness cuts two ways. You may knife your own back in the bargain.

It is absolutely against all decent standards of behavior to discuss one date with another. Positively, it is not done! Never say to Johnny, “Really, Jimmy is an awful bore, a real dope.” Never say to Jimmy, “Johnny lets me do what I please when he takes me out.” Whether you praise or blame, comparisons, either stated or implied, are not in good taste — anywhere, at any time.

Implicit in all good behavior is the fact that you never embarrass anyone if you can possibly avoid it. On a date, never put a boy in a position where he feels foolish. Don’t ask to go somewhere he can’t afford. Don’t wear loud clothes, or sloppy clothes. Be quiet and controlled in public places. Don’t scream and yell in a car, on a bus, in the subway, on the street. Don’t be conspicuous in the movies, at a restaurant, anywhere you may be that is not within the confines of your own home.

Too many of us in an effort to take the spotlight go through all kinds of contortions to make people look at us. It’s a silly thing to do. We are only making fools of ourselves. No boy wants his date to be laughed at, or to be the cause of annoyance to those around. And that is exactly what happens when you behave badly. You may think it is cute — acting the cut-up on the main street — but it is really only tiresome.

There are some girls who think they are being coy when they taste the food and drink that others have ordered. “Let me try that.” “Oh, that looks good, give me some.” If they only knew what pests they are to the others around them, they’d stop soon enough. It is an awful bore to have to put up with someone who is being desperately “cute.”

Consideration for others is the biggest part of good behavior. But you have to stop and think about it. It may not seem like very much to you, but four teenagers coming down the street abreast, talking at the top of their voices, is enough to send older pedestrians scattering for cover. Two kids in the back seat of a bus who start a friendly rough-and-tumble can put the rest of the passengers on pins and needles for the remainder of the ride. A table of chattering school girls in a drug store can, if they forget where they are and begin to raise their voices, make other shoppers forget what they came in to buy. There are people who no longer go to the movies because they can’t stand the yells and jeers, or the rows and rows of high-school students who think that the theatre is theirs to do with as they please.

Part of growing up is a realization that whatever you do has an effect on others around you. When you were a child you were excused for misbehavior. Now you are not. So wise up to yourself and act your age. You could attract the center of attention when you were three by standing on your head in the grocery store, but you’re too old now for such acrobatics — and when you think about it, isn’t it just as well?

What we are looking for, now that we are older, is to have a good time ourselves and to let others have a good time. That’s why we should think first of our date and put his wishes foremost. That’s why we don’t flirt with other boys when we are out with one boy. We pay strict attention to our own date — not smothering him with sticky sentiment, but making him feel that for this evening it’s he that we care about. That’s why a girl should always tell her date at the end of the evening how much she has enjoyed it.

Good manners make it easy for a girl to let a boy feel master of any situation. In a restaurant it is the boy who pays, who gives the order for the two of you to the waiter, who makes arrangements for the table. Even if you have agreed to go Dutch, you can give your date your share of the bill later, in private. At the movies, if you want to pay your way, it is easy enough to give the boy your ticket money beforehand, inconspicuously.

Be easy and natural in your relationship to your date and to others around you. Don’t criticize or nag. Swearing is not smart. Don’t be fooled into thinking that profanity or vulgarity makes you seem like a big time operator.

A girl with good manners never lets her date wait for minutes on end while she chatters away in the powder room with her pals. Or makes him languish while she runs off to talk to a friend. A nice girl never puts a boy on a spot. Never teases or pokes fun at him so that he feels conspicuous and ridiculous.

Scenes in public places, for any reason at all, are beyond the pale. No matter how angry you get, you must control your temper until you get within the privacy of your own room. There you can steam like a tea kettle until you get it all out of your system. Fights, physical or verbal, may never be conducted in full view of the public eye. Even if your date has done you dirt, left you stranded beyond all decency, you must not make others uncomfortable by publicizing your predicament. If you find yourself in such a situation, seek out the boy and tell him you want to go home. If he refuses (a sign that he is boorish anyway) call your parents and ask them to come and fetch you. Leave quietly and keep your peace. Putting the shoe on the other foot — a girl must never desert her date to the point that she abandons him and goes home with another boy.

It is not always easy to be well behaved at all times. So often you get carried away by the fun you are having, you raise your voice, fling yourself around, get giddy with excitement. That’s all very well and good provided that down deep you always remember to be considerate toward others. It is not possible to be meek and mild all the time, but it is possible to be kind and thoughtful. If you think that you have got out of hand, you should always make excuses later. You can say later to your date: “Johnny, I hope I wasn’t too noisy last night. I didn’t realize how loud I was talking.” Or you can call your neighbors and say: “Gee, Mrs. Brown, I hope that I didn’t bother you last night. I am afraid we were a bit noisy when we drove up. There was an awful crowd in the car,” and so on. People will appreciate your thoughtfulness, even if the damage has already been done.

Petting is not properly a subject for a chapter on good manners. There are, however, aspects of petting that do concern us. Whether or not you pet, how far you go is your own private problem. However, once you are in a public place, what you do becomes a matter of public concern. No one wants to go to the movies and observe the antics of a loving couple in the row ahead. No one wants to go to a diner and eat a hamburger seasoned with the simpering goings-on of two moonstruck youths. The minute you go beyond holding hands in public you have gone too far. Embraces and kisses which are carried on for all the world to see are in poor taste.

It is obvious, too, that a girl who is lavish with her affection to any and all comers is hardly a girl who commands much respect. She is a girl for whom boys will not feel the need of exhibiting their own good manners, so that she often asks for the trouble she gets herself into. That’s why good manners suggest that a girl keep a “hands off” attitude until she is sure she has found someone she truly cares about. When she thinks herself honestly in love and she’s old enough to be a judge of her emotions, then what she decides to do is purely personal. However, she must always remember that public display of affection (even to a fiancé) is never, never done.

To Remember

1. Never break a date, once made, unless a family crisis comes up.
2. Don’t make a date feel uncomfortable by any word or action.
   You must not cause him to “lose face” in any manner or you will automatically forfeit his respect.
3. Keep conversation general — don’t gossip or devote your attention to just one person if there are more than two of you involved.
4. Be quiet and considerate of others.
5. Apologize if you have over-reached yourself.
6. Never pet in public.