Dear World,
I have a confession to make. I only have one credit card. And it’s not even really my credit card. It’s my dad’s. He put me on it when I was eighteen and never took me off. I never felt the need to get another card all on my own because frankly, I’ve never made enough money to warrant having one. I have always lived by the philosophy of pay back what you borrow, and I can’t really afford to pay back much. The reason I’m telling you this is because how the hell do I write articles helping people to pay back their debt and gaining free trips on credit cards when I have none? I have to think of something great. I do have an idea, but I’m not going to reveal it yet.
Also, did I tell you about my new neighbor, Jagger, yet? Most probably, right? Sorry, he’s got me so overwhelmed and furious. And if I’m honest with you guys, just a little bit confused. Why am I confused? Well, if you knew our history, you would know how weird this whole situation is. But I can’t say more now. Or rather I don’t want to. Sometimes I feel like I would die before I told anyone exactly what happened. There are only two people who know the full story, and that’s me and Jagger. And let’s just say I will kill him if I hear he’s told anyone.
Well, not really. But you know what I mean.
XOXO,
Magnolia
I was slightly disappointed when I grabbed my keys to head to work the next morning. I’d half been hoping that Jagger would be there with another cup of coffee, knocking on my door, trying to get inside, maybe even with his shirt off again, but as I left the apartment, there was no one outside.
I tried to ignore the pit in my stomach as I locked the door and then tried even harder to ignore the sudden lift in my spirits when I noticed the small package on the ground. It was no bigger than a shoebox and wrapped in gold paper. I grabbed it and hurried towards the elevator. I knew that I should have left it on my doormat or put it inside my apartment, but I also knew that I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on work not knowing what was in the box. I wasn’t one of those people who was able to dismiss something from my mind and compartmentalize work and private issues. I was all or nothing, and as much as I didn’t want to admit it to myself, I wanted to know what Jagger had gotten me. I hurried into the elevator and shook the box to see if I could guess what was inside of it. It made a loud clunk, but the sound wasn’t identifiable to me.
I walked out of the building and onto Bush Street and headed down the hill towards Chinatown. I walked quickly, excited to get to the office to chat with Jane and the other girls and to get started on my blog. I’d had an idea for the first post and wanted to run it by Tate before I started writing.
I got to the office about fifteen minutes later and walked to the kitchen to make myself a coffee.
“Hey, there, Magnolia.” Millie was holding a banana in one hand and a coffee cup in the other. “How are you doing today?”
“I’m tired.” I placed my bag and box down on the table. “I was up all night reading about credit card signups.”
“Wow, you’re on top of it, girl.” She looked impressed. “I have to admit that last night I was out on a blind date.”
“Oh, wow, how did it go?”
“Let’s just say I won’t waste your time telling you about a date with a wannabe comic called Drew Tater Tot.” She shook her head and I watched as her red curls bounced up and down. “His best joke was that knock-knock joke that ends with orange you glad I didn’t say banana.”
“Oh, no.” I laughed as I poured myself some coffee. “That’s like a grade school joke.”
“Exactly.” She giggled. “He told me he quit his job to go and audition for that comic reality TV show, and I was thinking, I hope you have a lot of savings because you’re not going to make it.”
“You didn’t say that to him, did you?”
“No, but I should have.” She took a bite of her banana. “At least he bought me some tacos. A free dinner helped me get over my misery.”
“What misery?” Olivia walked into the kitchen and yawned. “Oh, please tell me there’s some coffee left. I’m so tired.”
“Morning, Olivia.” Millie gave her a huge smile. “How do you look so pretty if you’re that tired?” She pouted and then looked at me. “You too, Magnolia. You look like you just came from an hour appointment at Sephora.”
“Is that good or bad?” I grinned. “They put on so much makeup when they do you up. Sometimes I feel like I look like a clown.”
“Oh, girl, you can’t wear it in the light of day.” Millie shook her head. “You get that makeup done for a night out on the town. Get it done before heading to the bar, and every single guy will be hitting on you.” She started laughing then. “The joke’s on them when you wake up the next morning and the makeup’s gone and you’re back to being a plain Jane.”
“Oh, Millie.” Olivia laughed as she sipped from her cup. “You’re funny.”
“I’m just telling the truth.” She grinned. “Do y’all think Birdy is going to show up today? She looked so nervous yesterday.”
“I hope so,” I said. “She seemed so nice.”
“Yeah, I thought so, too,” Olivia agreed. “I think we were all a bit overwhelmed. Tate seems like a hardass.”
“Did I just hear you say Tate has a tight ass?” Jane entered the kitchen and made a face.
“No, I said he’s a hardass.” Olivia and I both gave Jane a curious look. “What’s your deal with Tate, anyway? You guys seem like you have history.”
Jane shuddered. “No history. He just gets on my nerves.” She walked over to the table and looked at my present. “What’s this? Is it someone’s birthday?”
“No.” I shook my head and walked over to the table. “It was on my doorstep this morning. I think it’s a present from Jagger.”
“Who’s Jagger?” Olivia asked as she and Millie walked over to the table. “Your boyfriend?”
“No, no,” I said quickly. “He’s not my boyfriend. He’s my neighbor.”
“Her very good-looking neighbor.” Jane fanned her hand in front of her face.
“How do you know?” Millie asked.
“I met him yesterday when we went for lunch,” Jane said. “Let’s just say that he and Magnolia’s chemistry is off the charts.”
“No, it’s not,” I exclaimed. “He’s an asshole!”
“An asshole that gives you presents?” Millie played with her curls. “I’d love to meet some assholes like that.”
“Me too.” Olivia laughed.
I just rolled my eyes. “Trust me, guys. You wouldn’t want to deal with a guy like Jagger. He thinks he’s God’s gift to women and the entire human race.”
“Open the present!” Jane pleaded. “I want to see what he got you. If it’s diamond earrings, I will scream.”
“Why would he give me diamond earrings?” I shook my head. “It’s probably more like trash bags or something. He’s an idiot like that.”
“Sounds kinda sweet to me,” Millie said. “Open it now, please, before we all have to get to work.”
“Fine, hold on.” I put my cup down, grabbed the box, and started tearing off the paper. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was curious to see what Jagger had gotten me, and Jane’s mention of diamond earrings had gotten me excited. I knew Jagger wouldn’t spend that much money on me, but maybe it was something really thoughtful. I couldn’t wait to see.
An envelope fell out of the box as I ripped open the package.
“Read it out loud!” Olivia demanded. “I want to know what he said.”
“Fine.” I cleared my throat. “To the Cute Girl in Apartment Four, I’m so glad I’m your new neighbor. Hopefully, we can catch a movie soon or even dinner. This is for the nights that you deny yourself the pleasure of me. Your Incredibly Cute and Not Rude at All Neighbor in Apartment Five, Jagger.” I rolled my eyes as the girls all oohed and ahhed at the note. “I told you he’s full of himself.”
“He seems like he’s fun,” Millie said. “Now open the box.”
“Fine.” I continued opening the package. The brown box under the paper had a lot of tape and I pulled it off quickly, reaching inside and grabbing the plastic box that was covered by pink tissue paper. I ripped the tissue paper off and stared at my present in shock. There, in all it’s flesh-pink glory, lay a huge cock. The writing on the box read, “8-Inch All-American Whopper Dong.”
“He got you a dildo?” Millie burst out laughing. “That’s hilarious.”
“Not just any dildo.” Olivia grabbed the package from me. “He got her a fake cock that’s—and I quote—made with Realskin for incredible, lifelike feeling.” She giggled.
“That’s fucking huge.” Jane grabbed the dildo from Olivia. “Look at those balls.” She moved her hands back and forth in a jiggling manner. “And look at that head, it looks so real.” She laughed as I glared at her. “Sorry, not sorry. This is hilarious.”
“It’s absolutely crazy.” I shook my head. “And rude as hell. How dare he get me a dildo?” I grabbed the box from her. “For all he knows, I’m getting laid every night.”
“He’s your neighbor, right?” Olivia asked. “He most probably knows that there’s no guy coming over, and I’m guessing he hasn’t heard any late-night screaming?”
“Late-night screaming?” We all looked at her, and she grinned.
“Hey, just because I’m in accounting doesn’t mean I’m a virgin. If you girls haven’t been with a man that’s made you scream, then you haven’t been with a real man.”
“I obviously have not been with a real man, then.” Millie held her hand up. “The only thing I’ve had to scream is, ‘Going faster doesn’t always mean better,’ and ‘Use your fingers as well!’”
I laughed and blushed at the same time.
“I’ve never had to scream, either.” Jane bit her lower lip. “Actually, that’s not true. I had to yell at one guy, ‘That’s not the right hole!’”
“Oh my God, tell me about it.” Millie leaned in all conspiratorial-like. “The last guy I was with kept trying to slip it in backside, and I was like, ‘Did I tell you I wanted to do anal?’” She rolled her eyes. “He kept saying he was confused. I was like no, your dick doesn’t enter my asshole by mistake just like my pussy doesn’t just slip onto your dick. Comprendo?” She shook her head. “Two weeks later, I found out his ex was letting all sorts of accidental slipping happen, and it was over.”
“Oh, no. Are you okay?” I asked Millie, hoping she wasn’t still upset. “That’s awful.”
“I’m fine.” She laughed. “He was an asshole, and I’m glad to be done with him.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean.” Jane giggled. “My ex used to push my head into his lap every time we watched a movie as if my job was to give him a blowjob while he enjoyed the movie. He soon learned that it wasn’t.”
“What did you do?” I asked, eager to hear more.
“Let’s just say that sucking a cock with two ice cubes in your mouth and pressing them up to the head for over a minute doesn’t give so much pleasure as it does pain.” She laughed, and I was also giggling when someone cleared their throat and we all froze.
“Is it just me or did I think I started a personal finance company?” Tate walked into the room. “Or did I start an online escort agency?”
“You do look like the sort of man that would pay for it,” Jane said, and our mouths dropped. Did she want to get fired?
“Ms. Garcia, I’d like to see you in my office, right now. The rest of you get to work. We’ll have an office meeting in thirty minutes and I want to hear all of your ideas.” He gave all of us a stern look, as his blue eyes flashed at us. “And I expect to hear some good ideas.”
“Yes, Tate.” I blushed as he stared at the dildo in my hand. I quickly pushed it into the box, grabbed it, and hurried out of the kitchen and to my cubicle. I sat down and turned my computer on, putting the box under the table. It was time to get to work. I knew I had to ramp up my ideas in order to impress Tate. I watched as Jane followed him to his office and I wondered if he was going to write her up, fire her, or just give her a stern warning.
“You okay?” I whispered to Jane as we walked to the conference room for the meeting.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” She rolled her eyes. “Tate just told me off and told me to keep my private life at home.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. It’s my fault.”
“Nah, don’t worry about it.” She squeezed my arm. “I don’t care and anyways Jagger’s present was hilarious. Are you going to give him something back?”
“I have no idea.” I shook my head. “He’s so annoying.”
“You should totally get him something.”
“Yeah, maybe.” I shrugged. “We’re getting drinks tonight, right?” I stared at Jane and held my crossed fingers up in the air. “If you tell me no, I will scream and everyone in the office will come running.” I gave her a fake menacing look. “And I mean everyone.”
“Calm down, Magnolia.” She laughed. “The girls and I are all down for it.”
“Good.” I let out a sigh of relief. “I need a stiff drink and some yummy food.”
“I just need something stiff.” Jane winked at me and we both burst out laughing. as we walked into the conference room.
Tate glared at us as we entered. I liked Jane and her sense of humor; she was quirky and fun, and even though she made more risqué comments than anyone I’d ever met before in my life, she wasn’t crude. Well, not that crude. I hoped that Tate didn’t fire her.
“You want a Coke?” I asked her as I walked over to the table filled with drinks and snacks.
“No, I’ll have a LaCroix please.” Jane reached her hand out and I handed her one of the pricey flavored sparkling waters. “And maybe a bagel, but I’ll get that myself.”
“Maybe you girls can help yourselves to food after the meeting?” Tate said sarcastically as we grabbed plates.
“Well, Millie, Birdy, and Olivia aren’t even here yet,” Jane said sweetly as she turned to look at him. “I think we’re okay.”
“Ms. Garcia, I will have you present first,” Tate said with thinned lips. “I hope you have a marketing plan to really get our app some national press.”
Jane grabbed her bagel. “I have some ideas, yes.” She walked over to the table. “But first I have some questions for you. What do you think sets Cool Credit apart from the other personal finance apps and websites?” She sat at the table across from him. “I can get us press, but I need to make sure that it’s good press. I know that this is your business and has been your baby for the last two years and you’re used to secrecy, but you need to give us more information if we’re to do our jobs and have a successful launch.”
“I had a question as well.” I walked to the table. “Do you have investors? I was looking online and I couldn’t find any information.”
“No, I’m self-funded.” Tate sat back, looking amused. “I will live and die by the sword.”
“I’ve been wondering that as well.” Olivia walked into the room with the other girls. “I checked out the numbers. You put quite a bit of money into the company, which is awesome, but it means that you’re the only one vested in seeing the company succeed.”
“Well, I rather hoped that you five would be invested in the success of Cool Credit, seeing as you all work here now.”
“We’re only making salaries, though,” Millie said. “I can make a salary anywhere.”
“What if I give everyone one thousand shares?” Tate replied. “The value of those shares is up in the air. If we make a real success of this company, you could all be very rich.” He smirked. “How’s that for some personal investment in the success of the company?”
“I wouldn’t say no.” Olivia grinned, and she and Millie high-fived.
“Sounds good to me too,” I said, though I had no idea what that really meant. One thousand shares of a company worth zero was still zero. Though if we really blew up, it could be worth thousands or even millions. I was starting to get excited. What if I became a millionaire? I really needed to start writing some good articles. I was already feeling inspired. Maybe this new job wasn’t going to be so bad after all. I tried to focus on what Tate was saying as images of the dildo flashed into my mind. I would think of a way to take care of Jagger “Inappropriate” Scott later.