Have you seen my ghost?
Laurie Thomas was not happy in London. The city moved at a pace which she was unaccustomed to. On the street, people pushed past her without so much as a backward glance of regret, lost in their haste to get to wherever they were heading. In the shops, assistants would serve her without even making eye contact. No one wished her a nice day, or enquired after her family as they would have back home. In London she was invisible, a ghost. A tiny part of her revelled in the anonymity of it all, of people not greeting her as though she had the face of a dead girl. But a larger part of her felt lost to the loneliness. Charles Lloyd was her only ally, and he was hardly someone she would call a friend.
Each day, Laurie left the modest hotel she was currently calling home and left for work, adorned in her Lorna costume. Within the office, Faye was always civil but Laurie sensed the woman’s unease. Not that she blamed her. It was a surreal situation for them all to be dealing with. The sooner she unearthed the truth about her twin’s death, the sooner she could return to her family, to some semblance of normality. Not that home was normal since Lorna’s death. Laurie clung to the hope that if she could prove that her twin did not commit suicide that her parents might finally thaw towards her and remember that they still had one daughter who was alive and needed them.
As Laurie sat and typed at the computer, completing yet another menial task Faye had set for her, questions would burn at the back of her mind to the point where her forehead throbbed with the heat. She needed answers. Sitting and waiting for Charles’ ambiguous contact to get back to them felt ridiculous. Each day that passed, Laurie grew more and more inpatient to the point where she decided to take matters into her own hands.
Laurie decided to approach those who would have worked with Lorna whilst she was on her internship first – most notably, Kaiden Collins. Lorna had regularly mentioned him; apparently they got along and she found his sense of humour appealing. They would go on nights out together and he even sent her a birthday card. Being such an unusual name, it wasn’t difficult to track him down from the roster of staff within the building. Kaiden worked in the Human Resources department which was useful. All Laurie had to do was make up some phantom mistake in her application papers and it would give her an excuse to seek him out.
Before speaking with Kaiden, Laurie gave Charles one last opportunity to have made some progress. She text him from her desk, careful to conceal her phone from Faye who disapproved of any activity of a personal nature whilst at work. Her message was simple:
Anything yet?
Only moments later, the handset shook as it received the Prime Minister’s response:
No, nothing yet, sorry. We need to be patient x
Laurie’s delicate fingers gripped her mobile phone with tense frustration. She had run out of patience.
‘Faye, I’m just heading over to the HR department.’
‘Oh?’ Faye looked up with mild interest, only ever interrogating Laurie when she was headed for Charles’ office.
‘Yeah, just need to iron out a few issues with my application papers.’
‘Right, okay.’
Kaiden Collins had done well for himself. At only twenty-four he had secured a full-time position within Downing Street. Even though he was tucked away in the Human Resources office at the back of the building, it was still an impressive achievement. Kaiden was popular amongst the staff who found him to be charismatic and hardworking. The only thing he pursued with the same intensity as his career was women, and the one came in handy for securing the other. His insatiable appetite for the fairer sex was notorious but a taboo subject around the office. As long as it didn’t interfere with his work, it wasn’t a problem. But the office still had a reputation to maintain, so those around Kaiden hoped he would soon tire of his cad routine. It looked better for all employees to be married; locked in marital bliss. Whether or not these marriages were happy didn’t matter – it was all about the appearance.
‘Hi, um … Kaiden?’ Laurie entered the office wearing the sweetest smile she could, hoping to adopt the ‘little girl lost’ routine which Lorna had so often used to her advantage.
‘I’m Kaiden, how can I help?’ The handsome young man to the left of the office door hurriedly got to his feet to greet the beautiful girl who had come enquiring after him, but the moment he saw Laurie’s face the colour drained from his face and his fake smile immediately fell.
‘Hi, I need help with the … copier.’ Laurie struggled to conjure a reason off the top of her head for him to leave the office so that they could talk privately.
‘The copier, okay right, yes. I’ll be right there.’ Kaiden’s eyes were fearful as he spoke to her. Laurie had forgotten how uncomfortable it made her feel when people looked at her like that.
Once they were alone in the copying room Kaiden noticeably relaxed, as though he had quickly put the pieces together and was satisfied with the conclusion he had reached.
‘So you are Lorna’s twin?’ he asked.
‘Your powers of deduction are mind-blowing,’ Laurie said flatly, still smarting from how he had first regarded her.
‘I’m sorry if I got a little freaked out back there. You just took me by surprise, that’s all. You look exactly like Lorna. It’s a little unsettling.’
‘Yeah, for you and me both.’
‘I was sorry about Lorna … passing,’ Kaiden tried awkwardly to convey his sympathies. He was hardly a man who was in touch with his emotions. ‘She was nice girl.’
‘Thank you.’
‘So … why are you here exactly?’
‘I wanted to follow in Lorna’s footsteps, carve out a career in politics which had been her dream,’ Laurie gave him the spiel which she had now perfected, completing the charade with a sincere nod and a slight smile.
‘Right, okay. So why are you really here?’ Kaiden asked. Whilst he struggled to deal with emotional situations, Kaiden was well-versed in the art of deceit. He lied continuously to women to woo them into his bed.
‘I’m looking for answers,’ Laurie answered simply. She was unsure if Kaiden was someone she could trust, but she felt that she had no choice if she ever wanted to find anything out.
‘Answers?’
‘Yes, about Lorna.’
‘But she killed herself, right?’
‘I’m not so sure.’
Kaiden raised his eyebrows in surprise and ran a hand down his face. Now that the colour had returned to his cheeks, Laurie noticed how he was faintly tanned, and given the weather in London, she could safely assume that it wasn’t natural.
‘I have to admit that I was surprised when I heard the news. Lorna was so … full of life. Always friendly, always smiling.’
‘Did you know Lorna well?’ Laurie queried.
‘Sort of, yeah. I mean, we were interns together, so as a group we would go out and socialise but then she kind of dropped off and we didn’t see her so much,’ Kaiden said, reminiscing about his own tentative first steps in to the world of politics.
‘Why did she stop going out with you all?’
‘Probably met a guy. People change when they get into relationships. It’s the reason why I avoid them.’
‘Hmm.’
‘Is it really a good idea for you to be here, trying to find out what happened to her? Aren’t you just going to get yourself upset?’ It was rare for Kaiden to show genuine concern, but like most men he had felt protective towards Lorna and now those feelings had transferred to Laurie.
‘I need to know the truth. Lorna would never have killed herself, I know that.’
‘I respect what you are doing, but sooner or later you are going to have to let go – but you know that, right?’
‘Yes, I do.’
‘I’d say come find me again when you’ve made peace with everything, but like your sister, I reckon you are too smart to get caught up with a guy like me.’ Kaiden smiled and Laurie saw how women could be just as addicted to him as he was to them.
‘Thank you for talking to me.’
‘Anytime.’ Kaiden rummaged in his jacket pocket and passed Laurie a small white business card.
‘This is the club where we all used to go. Not sure if it will be of any help.’
‘No thanks, this is great.’
As Kaiden settled himself back in to his chair he thought of Lorna and how he had never really dwelled on the fact that she was gone. Seeing Laurie had been a surreal reminder that he had lost a friend and colleague. Dwelling on the fragility of his own mortality was not something Kaiden liked to do. That evening, he intended on drinking until the sadness, which now ebbed at the back of his mind, went away.
‘She seemed nice,’ a colleague noted, referring to Laurie.
‘I don’t deal with nice girls,’ Kaiden said flatly.
Elaine Lloyd was accustomed to nice things. Her father had been a successful doctor, so as a young girl, Elaine had all the finest toys, all the prettiest clothes. Having nice things made her feel special, like a princess. It never troubled her young mind to wonder where these things came from, or how they were acquired. They just materialized in her home, and with the naivety of youth, she took them for granted.
When Elaine became a teenager, her mother sat her down and explained that if she wanted to keep having nice things, it was important that she find and settle down with a man who was destined to succeed. Elaine had initially queried why she herself could not fund her own lifestyle, following her father’s footsteps into medicine, but her mother had quickly dismissed this notion. Growing up, Elaine ignored books and studies in favour of playing with her masses of toys. As her mother so tactfully put it, she was not ‘of the right mind set’ to achieve greatness. But, as her mother had, she could learn to nurture it another way.
University had never been about obtaining a degree. Elaine’s father strategically resided on the board of governors, ensuring both her admission and her final result, leaving Elaine more time to pursue important things, like a potential husband. When Elaine first met Charles, she sensed immediately that he was destined for great things. Though slightly clumsy and awkward back then, there was a still a light within him which drew others in like a moth to a flame. He took the time to talk to people, and listened with sincerity beyond his young years. Charles possessed a kindness which Elaine had not seen in any man before and it intrigued her.
The single red rose he handed to her on their first ever date now resided in their spare bedroom, pressed and sealed away in one of Elaine’s old diaries. Back then they had all the time in the world for one another, and he would hang on Elaine’s every world. Now he looked right through his wife, as though she were a ghost.
Sat in the back of the Bentley, Elaine regarded her appearance in the compact mirror which lay in her palm, wondering who this aging woman was who had replaced the vibrant young girl she had once been. Elaine found time to be a most cruel mistress. Whilst Charles improved with each passing year, the shades of grey which appeared in his hair making him seem worldly, she merely looked more and more like a younger model that had been sent through the washing machine one too many times, covered in wrinkles which needed ironing out.
As the car weaved through the inner city streets, Elaine sighed, snapping closed her compact and returning it to her designer handbag. As a couple, she and Charles had endured their fair share of dark times. Ever since he had chosen to accept the position of Deputy Prime Minister, she had dropped frighteningly low on his list of priorities. Normally Elaine would not let this bother her. She had her nice things to comfort her. Instead of dolls and bicycles she now had china sets, couture clothing and luxury cars. These toys occupied her just fine. Usually. Elaine could sense another dark cloud looming on the horizon of her marriage and she feared that their love was not strong enough to endure it, leaving her no option but to take matters into her own hands. Charles needed to remember how much they had once adored one another. He needed to realise that he could not let her go. Elaine was not prepared to relinquish all her nice things.
‘Nearly there now, Mrs. Lloyd,’ Henry, the driver, called from the front seat.
‘Thank you,’ Elaine nodded.
In what was perhaps an act of desperation, Elaine had decided to drop in unannounced on Charles at his office, bringing him some cold sandwiches for supper as he was always working late. Years ago, when he first embarked on a career in politics, she always went to his offices so that they could eat their lunch together. Elaine was desperate to capture that magic again, refusing to believe that it was completely gone.
Faye had been unusually accommodating when Elaine called, insisting that she would clear Charles’ meetings for that evening so that he would be free to see his wife, and even sending over Henry with the Bentley to collect her. Elaine normally found Faye to be a stubborn nuisance and so was pleasantly surprised by the woman’s sudden thaw towards her.
The black gates slid open, granting passage for the Bentley into Downing Street and Elaine hastily reapplied one last coat of lipstick.
It felt as though it had been a long time since Elaine Lloyd had walked the famous cobbled street towards what had once been her home. Since the terrorist threats, she had remained far away from the building, safe in suburbia. She regarded the black door embossed with the golden ‘10’, recalling how she had stood proudly beside Charles the morning he had been sworn in as Deputy Prime Minister. The flash of the cameras as the world’s media looked on was almost blinding. As Elaine had stood on the step, grinning manically whilst attached to her husband like a limpet, she felt as though she were on top of the world. It was in stark contrast to her current reality, as with each thud her Louboutins made against the wooden floors she knew she was dangerously close to everything falling down. The smile, the glory – it could all be stolen away from her.
‘There will always be women lining up to take your place,’ Elaine’s mother had warned her, all those years ago.
‘You must always make yourself available and beautiful for him. Be the queen to his king.’ Elaine had followed this advice to the letter, and despite their decades of marriage, Charles had never seen his wife without some form of make-up on. Even when she had suffered so terribly with flu around her fortieth birthday, she used her last ounces of energy to apply rouge, for fear of looking too pale.
Faye smiled in greeting as Elaine strode past. Elaine liked Faye because she was plain, which made her safe. In Elaine’s mind, it was a myth that men were attracted to women for their minds. Inside every man, there still resided a teenage boy who felt drawn to the prettiest of things, be they cars or women. Aesthetics were everything.
‘Darling!’ Elaine flung open the door to the Deputy Prime Minister’s office, applying her broadest smile.
‘Elaine?’ Charles looked up from his computer, evidently startled, before furrowing his brow in confusion.‘Faye didn’t mention that you would be coming in.’
‘That’s because I wanted to surprise you. I’ve bought you dinner,’ Elaine came over to this desk and began unloading the savoury contents of her vastly large handbag.
‘I bought tuna and cucumber sandwiches – your favourite.’
‘Elaine I don’t have time for this,’ Charles sighed, tension in his voice.
‘Of course you have time to eat. I thought we could eat together, like we always used to do.’
‘I don’t have time,’ Charles repeated, this time with more anger.
‘I won’t stay long,’ Elaine countered, continuing to turn his desk in to a glorified picnic table.
‘Seriously, Elaine,’ he gripped her hand as it was about to drop down a package of sandwiches, holding it mid-air.
‘Stop, please. I do not have time for this. I’m in the middle of finalising something extremely important that just cannot wait.’ Charles regarded his wife for barely a second before returning his attention to his computer.
Elaine stood there, deflated and humiliated, turning her eyes skyward to try and contain the tears which were threatening to manifest themselves. With teeth clenched she began to return the food from the desk to her handbag, keeping what she felt to be a dignified silence.
‘Tomorrow,’ Charles suddenly declared, the stony silence making him uneasy. ‘Tomorrow I shall finish early and we can have supper together at home.’
‘Oh, I’d like that,’ Elaine smiled at this glimmer of hope. ‘I shouldn’t have disturbed you at work.’
‘No, its fine, it was a lovely surprise to see you.’ Charles reached again for her hand but this time held it tenderly. ‘I’m just so very busy.’
‘I understand that more than anyone,’ Elaine said sympathetically.
‘That’s because you are wonderful.’
As she left the office, even though the food had not been eaten, Elaine felt satisfied. Her small gesture had shown Charles just how much she loved him and his feelings were reciprocal, with the offer of supper. Elaine decided that to mark this triumph and to elongate her sense of euphoria, she would swing by Harrods before heading home to indulge in some retail therapy.
When the smacking of heel against wood had faded away, Charles called through to Faye. His message was short and formal.
‘When I am in my office I am not to be disturbed by anyone, understand?’
‘Yes, sir, I understand. My apologies,’ Faye responded obediently, knowing full well that Laurie would be the exception to this rule, but wisely choosing to remain silent.
Charles ran a hand through his hair, reminiscing for a brief painful moment of a time when his hairline used to be much lower down his forehead. Elaine’s impromptu visit had rattled him; it was completely out of character for her. She was normally so consumed in her own issues that she rarely thought of him, let alone his nutritional needs. He decided to plant the seed of another decorating project which should occupy her for a good few weeks. All he needed to do was look into a room and note how it looked ‘adequate’. It was a cruel game to play with his wife, but he couldn’t risk her hovering around the office.
However, Elaine’s visit had stirred up Charles’ previously dormant pangs of hunger. He dialled Faye’s extension number again.
‘Can you send Laurie out for some food, and then have her bring it in here? I’m famished!’
Faye scribbled down the brief food order that Charles gave her.
‘I’ll make sure she gets on with that as soon as she is back.’ Faye took a wicked delight in informing the Deputy Prime Minister that his beloved latest project was not present.
‘Oh, where is she?’ He sounded instantly panicked. The untrained ear would have mistaken his tone for annoyance, but Faye knew her employer better than that and recognised the fear which now coated the edge of his words.
‘She said something about going over to HR. Apparently there was an issue in her application paperwork that needed sorting. Would you like me to go and get the food instead?’
There was a pause as Charles absorbed the information, processing it.
‘No, no. Just send Lorna out for food as soon as she gets back.’ He suddenly realised his mistake. ‘Laurie, send Laurie out for food. Damnit, it’s been a long day.’
‘Shit!’ Charles declared angrily as he slammed down the telephone receiver. It was an easy mistake to make, to call either twin by the other’s name, but still Charles felt angered by it. His world was becoming increasingly confusing and it was imperative that he retain a strong grip on his sanity.
As the flash of anger subsided, Charles thought about what Faye had said, how Laurie had gone over to another department on the pretence of issues with paperwork. He immediately knew that this was a lie for a number of reasons. Firstly, her paperwork had been overseen by himself and Faye, so it was highly unlikely – leaning towards impossible – that there would be any error to report. And if there were, it should go through Faye; Laurie should not be dealing with such issues herself.
Secondly, and perhaps the most worrying point, was that Kaiden Collins worked over in Human Resources. Kaiden had forged a friendship with Lorna when they had both been interns, a friendship which Kaiden had wanted to extend to something else but Lorna did not. If Laurie was enquiring after her deceased sister she risked inviting Kaiden’s amorous attentions, something Charles did not want her doing.
Charles closed his eyes and sighed in frustration at how the women in his life were suddenly running amuck, none of them being where they should be. He knew that, rationally, he should not be angered by either his wife or Laurie’s actions, but he could not help but feel his blood pressure rise. Currently, it felt as though all of them were walking on broken glass. One misplaced step and they would receive a searing wound. Great care had to be taken. He did not want anything to interfere with his investigation in to her death. He felt that he owed it to her to uncover the truth. But what if he already knew the truth, and she had indeed taken her own life? Charles realised that he needed to believe it was a lie just as much as Laurie did.
In the solitude of his office, Charles allowed his mind to wander, recalling a conversation he had shared with Lorna during the midst of their affair. She had come in, as per his instruction, to run over his diary for the day with him but conversation had quickly turned informal and the two lovers were soon discussing their favourite literature.
Lorna was wearing a brown skirt which came to her knee and flared out, with a cream blouse tucked into it. Her hair was loose, apart from a black band which sat atop her head, perfectly framing her beautiful face. The previous night Charles had made love to her twice in his hotel suite, and now he had to use all of his self-restraint not to reach across the desk and attempt to ravish her once more.
‘A Tale of Two Cities, really?’ Lorna gave him a mockingly stern look as she ingested his response. ‘No, I don’t buy it. That’s the sort of book you tell people you like, to appear all learned and intellectual, but in truth, no-one likes it because it is unnatural for us to decipher the dialogue and prose because we weren’t born, like, a hundred years ago.’
‘I genuinely love it. It’s my favourite,’ Charles smiled bashfully, finding Lorna’s fervent response endearing.
‘Please! You are telling me you enjoyreading it? No way! It’s like Shakespeare – yes it is wonderful but no-one actually enjoysreading it.’ As Lorna spoke, her hands became animated, dancing through the space in front of her to help emphasise her point.
‘I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I adore reading Dickens.’
‘Geek,’ Lorna teased with a smile which hinted that her mind was also preoccupied with their antics from the previous night.
‘So what is your favourite book?’ Charles asked, glancing away from her alluring grin, knowing he did not have the strength to resist it.
‘Little Women of course.’
‘Of course?’
‘Yes of course. All girls grow up loving Little Women, it’s a classic.’
‘Sort of like A Tale of Two Cities?’
‘Geek,’ Lorna teased again. This time Charles’ resolve fell away and he left his chair and traversed the distance between them in one step before taking Lorna in to his arms for a deep, passionate kiss.
The sound of his telephone ringing rudely interrupted Charles from his blissful walk down memory lane. Feeling slightly dazed, he answered it.
‘I’ve just sent Laurie out for food, she will be back shortly,’ Faye informed him.
Laurie felt humiliated with her current task, which made her feel like a glorified waitress. In the cool evening air she had traversed the streets of London in her stupidly high heels, merely to collect boutique sandwiches. She was beginning to question why Lorna had ever wanted this life when at times it felt so demeaning. The only benefit of doing the food run was the opportunity to leave the confines of the office and take in some relatively clean air. Laurie didn’t enjoy the bitter tinge she tasted on each breathe of exhaust fumes, but it was better than nothing. The urban jungle she currently resided in was making her miss the lush greenery of home more and more.
‘Just take it in,’ Faye ordered abruptly when Laurie returned, not even glancing up from her computer monitor to address her. Laurie resented how Lorna’s baggage had somehow become her own. Being a twin made her no less a separate person; she wasn’t going to repeat her sister’s mistakes, she was merely seeking answers to Lorna’s demise. Not that Laurie would waste her breathe explaining this to Faye, who had clearly made up her mind about her.
‘Food!’ Laurie declared as she entered the office, dumping the bag of sandwiches onto Charles’ desk, having none of the finesse of Elaine, who had previously unpacked an entire meal before delicately repacking it all.
‘Thanks,’ Charles looked up at Laurie with a strange mixture of joy and sadness which unnerved her.
‘Is everything okay?’
‘Yes … well …’ Charles didn’t want to chastise Laurie but he needed to make her aware that her actions earlier that day had been wrong. ‘I know you’ve been talking to Kaiden Collins.’
‘So?’ Laurie retorted defensively.
‘About Lorna,’ Charles concluded softly.
‘Is that a problem?’
‘Well yes, actually it is. Laurie, I know it is hard but I need you to keep a low profile whilst you are here, for both our sakes.’
‘I’m just tired of it all. Of being here, of having no answers.’ Laurie collapsed into the chair opposite Charles, her shoulders hunched forward in defeat.
Charles rummaged in the bag and took out a sandwich for himself and tossed another across to Laurie.
‘My guy will contact me soon and we will go from there.’
‘And if he has nothing?’ Laurie challenged.
‘We will cross that bridge when we come to it.’
‘You are such a politician,’ Laurie scoffed.
‘How so?’ Charles enquired, bemused.
‘You have an answer for everything yet say nothing. Quite the skill.’
‘Hmm,’ was the only response Charles could manage, as his mouth was now consumed with his sandwich, which he was hungrily devouring.
He noticed how Laurie picked at her own sandwich, rather than delving into it; her manner akin to how a bird would methodically pick at a worm with small delicate bites. It was how Lorna would eat, which made his heart ache with longing.
‘You eat like a pig,’ Laurie noted when she saw that Charles’ sandwich was already gone whilst hers was still almost whole.
‘And you can be most brazen for a young lady.’
‘God, you sound like my grandmother!’
‘Thanks.’
In so many ways, Laurie was the complete contradiction to Lorna. She could be rude and contrite, she did not enjoy over indulgence and she resented authority. Yet she mirrored her deceased twin’s mannerisms. Charles wondered how the two girls behaved when they were together, and it saddened him that he would never get to know.
‘Do you think it strange that Lorna never told me she had a twin sister?’ Charles asked the question which had been dancing around the back of his mind ever since he had first been aware of Laurie.
‘Not really,’ Laurie shrugged nonchalantly, still picking at her sandwich. ‘Perhaps she was worried that you’d ask me to join you guys in the bedroom or something,’ she added teasingly.
Charles’ eyes widened in shock and his cheeks flushed the deepest red.
‘I’m joking, obviously,’ Laurie said, now also feeling embarrassed. ‘Some guys are into the whole twin thing. But Lorna not mentioning me, it’s no surprise. All through school we were this duo, a double act. Even when we weren’t in the same class, people just grouped us together. We even had a nickname.’
‘Oh?’
‘Double L. It’s lame and some of the more cruel kids would say it stood for ‘double losers’. But yeah, it wasn’t easy not having your own identity, so when we left school we drifted apart in our private lives, each forging out our own way I guess. It’s not that we were pretending we weren’t twins, we were just having a go at being individuals.’
‘Makes sense,’ Charles agreed. He noticed how a dark cloud had suddenly settled over Laurie’s angelic looks, as she realised she would forever now be an individual.
‘Books!’ Charles wanted to lighten the topic; it pained him to see Laurie downcast. He longed to lure her smile out so that it could light up his office. The topic of literature was still fresh on his mind after he had reminisced about Lorna.
‘I love to read, when I get the opportunity. My favourite book is A Tale of Two Cities.’
‘Yeah, that is good,’ Laurie nodded solemnly. ‘I enjoy Dickens.’
‘You do?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘So what would your favourite book be?’
Laurie pondered on the question for a moment, her eyes skyward as if she were searching for the answer on the office ceiling.
‘Well, I guess it would have to be Little Women.’
‘Oh?’
‘Yeah, all girls grow up loving Little Women. It’s a classic.’
It was so eerie to hear Laurie utter the same exact words as her deceased twin. It sent a shiver down Charles’ spine which ran all the way to his toes and spilled out past his physical being. For a moment it was as though Lorna was not gone, she was simply hiding inside Laurie, locked away, waiting for a moment to escape and live once more.