Chapter Ten

Forever means never letting go

‘Are you certain you won’t return to London with me?’ Charles asked Laurie, who rolled her eyes in boredom.

‘Honestly, I’m fine now. That little blip at the crash site was just that, a little blip, and I’m grateful that you were there for me but I’m okay. I just want to spend a few more days at home.’

‘But I’m worried about you.’ To vocalise his concerns was akin to admitting how deeply he cared for Laurie but that didn’t trouble Charles. He had grown close to her at the crash site, but as suddenly as Laurie had let him in, her walls had been hauled back up again and now she was treating him with cold indifference. He was determined to tear down those walls once more. Having achieved it once had raised his hopes.

‘Really, it’s fine,’ Laurie repeated stubbornly, her arms folded across her chest and an angry scowl on her face. She was annoyed with herself, but this internal conflict was manifesting itself in her behaviour towards the Deputy Prime Minister. She had let him comfort her at a time when she was vulnerable, which she now regretted. She needed to keep her distance from Charles in order to fully understand what happened to her sister.

‘I don’t like leaving you here alone.’

‘I’m not alone!’ Laurie snapped angrily. ‘I have my family.’

‘Your family don’t understand you – you said that yourself!’ Charles retaliated, his cheeks flushing as he grew impassioned. To anyone observing their exchange of cross words, it would appear that it was a lovers’ quarrel, not a disagreement between a boss and one of his interns.

‘You know nothing about my family!’ Laurie was seething as she spoke. ‘You know nothing about me or Lorna so stop pretending like you do!’

Charles was genuinely hurt by this last comment. The accusation that he had never truly known the woman he loved left him reeling.

Laurie wasn’t accustomed to inflicting pain on others via her words and so when Charles became subdued she was unsure what to do. She went to touch him, but then hesitated, her arm left indecisively in mid air.

‘I’m … I’m sorry,’ she attempted to apologise, fearful that she had said too much and that her words had penetrated deeper than the skin.

‘You’re right,’ Charles looked up at Laurie, his eyes glistening from the threat of tears. ‘I never knew Lorna, not properly, and I regret not knowing her.’

‘It’s okay,’ Laurie shifted uncomfortably. It felt surreal to see a grown man on the precipice of crying and she didn’t want to provoke him any further. She had already clearly said enough.

‘I want to know you.’ It was a bold statement to make, but Charles felt consumed by the moment which had almost occurred before his phone had shattered the atmosphere. He couldn’t help but wonder what had almost transpired between them, and he was determined to find out. His heart had already begun the insane drumbeat of irregularity usually reserved for teenagers in love.

‘I can’t be her. I can’t be Lorna for you.’ Laurie spoke softly, as in her mind she had a sudden flash of a memory where she and Lorna were sat watching a movie with their grandfather one Sunday afternoon. It was an old one and neither of the twins enjoyed it all that much. It was an Alfred Hitchcock film, which their grandfather insisted was ‘wonderful’ and that the girls ‘just had to see it’. In it, the main character lost the woman he loved, and then he met another woman and started dating her but made her dress exactly like the first woman he had loved in an attempt to replicate her. At the time, the twins had struggled to interpret the movie as they were barely in double digits. Lorna had turned to their grandfather with a puzzled expression.

‘Why was the woman so sad to have been made to look like the dead woman?’ she had asked earnestly. ‘I don’t understand. I mean, there is two of me, I have Laurie.’

It was a flippant comment shrouded within the naivety of youth, but even a young Laurie knew to be alerted by it. Looking back, she knew it had troubled her but failed to understand the reason why. Now, without her twin’s influence she realised how Lorna had always been the dominant twin, and Laurie had spent most of her years trying to forge a life for herself beyond her sister’s shadow.

Laurie felt incredibly foolish to have chased Lorna’s dreams down to London, and to have masqueraded as her there, leading a life which was not hers. She had tried to convince herself that it was all in aid of uncovering the truth about Lorna’s death, but really, was Laurie just hiding? Was it easier to conceal herself within the identity of her twin than to deal with her loss?

‘I don’t want you to be Lorna,’ Charles said softly, reaching forward and running the tips of his fingers down Laurie’s cheeks. ‘I want to get to know you.’

For a moment they stood and regarded one another, their chests rising and falling as their breath quickened in excited anticipation. Then Laurie looked away, breaking the spell, and Charles let his hand fall back to his side.

‘I’ll be back in London on Monday,’ she said coldly, physically retreating from the Deputy Prime Minister. ‘Until then, I need to be with my family.’

Rather than being hurt by this, Charles felt buoyed. There was something between himself and Laurie, he sensed it, and it was only a matter of time before he would be able to cultivate it further.

After agreeing to leave Laurie in Kent, Charles returned to the Bentley and to the responsibilities he had neglected back in the capital. He yearned to remain there with her, to linger in her world, but he could not ignore his own duties.

As the Bentley whipped through various country lanes, Charles tried to navigate his way through the flurry of emails and messages which were awaiting him via his mobile phone. He was halfway through typing a response to an urgent query when an incoming call from an unknown number flashed on his screen.

Normally, Charles would ignore such a call, but he sensed that it might be important and so answered.

‘I found something,’ the caller stated simply. Charles instantly recognised the voice as it belonged to his contact abroad.

‘So the cake did taste off?’ Charles asked, lowering his voice an octave to prevent Henry from listening;even though he trusted his driver implicitly, he wasn’t prepared to take any chances.

‘Yes, very. So I had a little look, made some calls, to see if I could discover the problem.’

‘And?’

‘And there were some ingredients missing.’

‘Oh?’

‘But there is no recipe; there is just the cake, as though someone misplaced the recipe, which would explain why it tastes so bad.’ The contact’s voice was low and steady, ensuring that Charles absorbed every word.

‘Well, thank you for looking into that, I’ll make sure to compensate you for the cake.’

Charles hung up and smiled. He smiled, not because he had uncovered a hole in Lorna’s case, but because he now had an excuse to call Laurie back to London earlier than she had intended. His fingers still tingled from where they had stroked her soft cheek.

Then, perhaps out of guilt, Charles called Elaine. When she didn’t answer he assumed it was because she was already at the gala which he was currently missing. He anticipated that his absence would be met with some negativity and so he quickly ordered a bouquet of flowers online to be delivered the following day. When he was on the final page of the order, he contemplated ordering a second bouquet and having it sent to Laurie, anonymously of course. It was a gesture which Lorna would have adored but Charles felt uncertain how Laurie would perceive it. He really didn’t know Laurie very well at all, but he vowed to get to know her. Everything about her intrigued him.

‘Shall I take you straight home, sir?’ Henry asked from the front seat, aware of the late hour and the failing light.

Charles pondered for a moment before responding.

‘No, it’s late, I’ll just go and check in at a hotel rather than risk disturbing Elaine.’

‘Of course, sir.’

Charles didn’t feel like playing the role of the loving husband that night. Like Laurie, he craved solitude and wanted to have only his thoughts for company.

Laurie wasn’t sure if she ever wanted to return to London. Home was not the haven it had once been but it was a welcome change from the relentless pace of city life. She spent a lot of time just sat in Lorna’s room, on her twin’s bed, just contemplating things. Lorna’s bedroom was untouched since her death, right down to the untidy array of clothes she had sprawled across the stool by her vanity unit, forever waiting to be worn.

There were three CDs piled next to the small stereo system which sat on the floor on the far side of the room. Laurie went over and studied them. They weren’t to her personal taste, but they were the music which Lorna enjoyed. The top CD was by her favourite band, and one of their songs had been played at her funeral. Switching the stereo on, the familiar song immediately flooded the room and for a moment, Laurie tried to pretend that everything was normal.

She sat on the bed and let the melody wash over her, imagining that instead of being gone, Lorna had merely left the room for a moment and would soon return, full of excitement about her latest adventure. The two girls would lie on the bed and gossip and giggle together for hours, the stereo providing a comforting soundtrack to their discourse.

Leaning her head back in the pillows, Laurie tried to breathe life into her memories, thinking that if she imagined it all hard enough, things might just return to normal. It was a foolish notion, but lying there, listening to the music her sister had so loved playing, Laurie felt comforted for the first time in a long while.

‘What is this?’ The tranquility within the room was quickly shattered when Laurie’s father threw the door open, a look of furious disgust on his face.

‘Dad?’ Laurie sat up, bewildered by his hostile attitude.

‘How can you do this to me? To your mother?’ he raged, before stomping across the room and switching the stereo off, plunging the bedroom in to a deathly silence and returning it to the morgue it had become.

‘Sorry, what?’ Laurie shrugged helplessly, unsure what she had done to offend her father.

‘You shouldn’t be in here!’ he cried angrily. ‘Do you have any idea how upset your mother is? To hear that music, are you that fucking insensitive?’

Laurie went to respond but she was so taken aback by the unprovoked attack on her that words failed to materialise. She just sat, open mouthed, bewildered by the situation.

‘You are not to come in here!’ her father roared. ‘This is your sister’s room!’

Laurie wanted to point out how, when Lorna was alive, this room was as much hers as her sisters. It felt absurd to suddenly make it out of bounds. And Lorna was dead, which meant that she held no claim at all over the room. Laurie fought the urge to spit angry words at her father, and refused to let him have her tears. She had grown accustomed to this sort of behaviour over the past couple of months.

‘I’m sorry,’ Laurie said as she walked out, refusing to look at her father. Then she stopped on the landing, and added as an afterthought, ‘I’m still here. You should remember that sometime.’ And then she returned to her own bedroom. She didn’t see her father enter Lorna’s bedroom and place his head into his hands and sob.

Whilst she had been out of the room, Laurie had received a text from Charles. It was brief and ambiguous but it provoked her interest.

My contact found something. Can you get to London any sooner than planned? x

London wasn’t a place Laurie liked, it was actually somewhere she quite passionately disliked. But home was no longer a sanctuary. Her parents were becoming increasingly fragile which meant that she had stayed too long. Her presence was resurrecting their suppressed feelings about Lorna and Laurie felt cruel to linger there. She knew she must leave them to handle their grief. She just hoped that they wouldn’t be left too scarred by it all and could one day be her parents again. She missed feeling loved.

There was only one person in Laurie’s life who was a constant, but she kept pushing him away. She found that she felt guilty to be loved, to be held and consoled, as though she should be suffering and miserable and alone, because if Lorna did take her own life, that was exactly how she had felt.

Arthur Dolan was of Irish decent and had been Laurie Thomas’ boyfriend since they were both thirteen. He had always been patient of her relationship with her twin, knowing that he would never completely have Laurie to himself. Through the years their loved blossomed and, despite time apart when they each went to university, their union remained strong. Arthur adored Laurie and would do anything for her. But since Lorna died, the girl whose name he had emblazoned across his heart had become a stranger. He tried to be understanding, to give her the space and distance she needed to heal, but he missed her and what they had once had.

Laurie decided to call Arthur, even though the young couple had not spoken in three weeks, and when they did speak, it was always brief and tense. Laurie anticipated that despite their many years together, Arthur would soon wish to sever their union, as her enforced solitude would test even the most patient of men.

‘Laurie!’ Arthur Dolan scrambled to answer his mobile phone, surprised to be receiving a call from his absentee girlfriend. He had all but fled the office where he worked when he saw her name appear on the display.

‘Hi, Art,’ Laurie tried to sound cheerful but the incident with her father had left her mood more sour than usual.

‘Hey, how … how are you?’ His voice was soft and full of concern.

‘The same,’ Laurie answered flatly.

‘Oh,’ Arthur echoed, disappointed.

‘I’m home now, but going back to London for a little while longer.’

‘What, why? You hate it there!’ Arthur raged angrily. He wanted Laurie to remain home, to let him complete his duties as her boyfriend and attempt to help her heal.

‘I’m close to finding out what happened to Lorna.’

‘Laurie,’ Arthur sighed into his phone. As much as he wanted to understand his girlfriend’s pilgrimage of justice, he couldn’t help but worry that the answer she eventually uncovered would not be the one she wanted and would cause even further damage to her.

‘I have to do this, Art. I need to know what happened.’

‘Yeah, I know you do.’

‘Once I know, things can go back to normal again. I can finally put everything behind me.’

‘I really hope so.’

‘I know so.’

Lorna had never liked Arthur. She was jealous of his bond with Laurie and would mock his quiet demeanour. When he came to the house, she would be subtly rude, mocking his clothes or his current hairstyle. It came to the point where Laurie felt she had to confront her twin about her negative attitude.

‘Why don’t you like Arthur?’ Laurie had asked one afternoon when they were lying side by side on Lorna’s bed. It was a summer day and the window was open, letting in a warm breeze which played with their hair.

‘It’s not that I don’t like him,’ Lorna began, choosing her words carefully. ‘It’s just …’ her words fell away and when Laurie turned to face her twin she saw that she was crying.

‘It’s just that one day you are going to marry him and leave me and then I’ll be all alone!’

‘Oh, Lorna,’ Laurie wrapped her arms around her sister. ‘I’d never, ever leave you. We will always be together, I promise.’

‘Forever and always?’

‘Forever and always.’

Ironically, despite her protests, it had been Lorna who left Laurie. Laurie suppressed a sob as she sat on her own bed, talking to Arthur.

‘I miss you so much,’ she admitted to him, fearful that she was close to losing the only other person who mattered to her.

‘I miss you too,’ Arthur replied and the warmth and sincerity in his voice comforted Laurie.

‘I can’t say that I understand it all, what you are doing,’ Arthur continued. ‘But I’ve told you that I’m happy to wait until you’ve got it all figured out in your head. I’m just worried you are only hurting yourself even more. I just want this all done and dusted. Then we can be us again.’

‘I’d like that,’ Laurie whispered as tears silently washed down her cheeks.

‘I love you Laurie Thomas, you know that. Just come back to me.’

‘I will.’

Laurie told herself that once she had uncovered the truth that she would finally lay Lorna to rest. But she needed this closure, this reassurance, because without it she was living in limbo. Despite evidence to the contrary, Laurie couldn’t believe that her twin sister would ever abandon her. She went to her dressing table and removed a locket from a small wooden box. It was half a heart, engraved with the words ‘Forever and Always’. Lorna had the second half of the heart and had been buried with it. They were friendship necklaces, which the twins had bought when they were twelve and visiting their grandmother in Wales. They had both cherished their necklaces and worn them religiously every day for years. But as they grew older they became more fashion conscious and the necklaces were resigned to rest in jewellery boxes. But Laurie wanted to wear hers now; wanted to have Lorna with her. She needed her twin to be her angel upon her shoulder as she feared that in returning to London, she was headed for danger.

Charles felt sick with excitement at the prospect of seeing Laurie again. She had texted him earlier that morning to say that she was travelling back down and the Deputy Prime Minister had instructed Faye to usher the girl into his office the moment she arrived. He noticed Faye scowl in disapproval but he no longer troubled himself with what she thought of him.

In his mind, Charles tried to imagine how he could manipulate the conversation so that he and Laurie had to meet beyond the office. He toyed with the idea of pretending that his contact would be meeting them at a restaurant, and then displaying dismay when the man didn’t show. But this was a reckless notion; as much as Charles wanted to extend the boundaries of their meetings, he knew it was ultimately impossible. His face, his identity, was public property. He couldn’t do anything without the entire nation looking on.

Meeting at a hotel was a far too obvious suggestion. It was not Charles’ intention to scare Laurie away from him, he merely wanted to create an arena where he could capitalise on the moment they had briefly shared at the crash site. A moment where she surely had felt the same magnetic connection between them as he had.

An email from Faye flashed up on Charles’ computer screen stating that Laurie had arrived and she was sending her in. His assistant was so appalled by the situation that she could no longer bring herself to converse with him via phone. Charles would smooth things other with Faye another time – concoct some fabrication of a story about why he had to meet with Laurie.

‘Hi.’ Laurie’s golden halo of hair tentatively crept round his office door.

‘Laurie, come in.’ Charles instructed.

With heavy limbs, Laurie entered the office. Gone was her pristine Lorna-themed attire, replaced by clothes in which she felt more comfortable. She still looked smart, wearing a knee length navy skirt with a beige cardigan and dark ballet style pumps on her feet. Her hair was partly pulled back, revealing more of her beauty.

‘You look … different,’ Charles commented.

‘I look like me,’ Laurie replied bluntly. Her face appeared as pained and angry as Faye’s had earlier. Charles assumed it was because she was displeased to be back in London. He hoped that her sour demeanour was in no way attributed to him personally.

‘So how are you?’

Laurie rolled her eyes with impatience at the Deputy Prime Minister’s attempt to make small talk.

‘How I am is irrelevant,’ she replied angrily. ‘All I care about is the information your contact gave you. The sooner I know the truth, the sooner I can return home and start picking up the pieces of the life I’ve left behind there.’

It pained Charles to think of this life of which Laurie spoke, because it did not involve him. She wanted to sever their ties to one another as quickly as possible. Rather than be displeased by this, Charles rationalised that she was merely acting out of fear of what had almost transpired between them at the crash site.

‘Anyone would think that you weren’t pleased to see me!’ Charles mocked, but behind the humour he was being earnest.

The warning words from the journalist suddenly circled Laurie’s mind for the umpteenth time. She could not risk angering the Deputy Prime Minister; it was imperative that she appease him, just for the time being. Even though she had sworn not to, she channelled Lorna once more, mimicking how her twin would bat her eyelashes and toss her hair at men in a flawless attempt to get her own way.

‘Of course I am pleased to see you,’ Laurie smiled. ‘I’m just tired.’ The façade of interest had only been there for a second but it was enough to tantalise Charles.

‘Well, as I said, my contact called,’ he began, blushing profusely.

‘And?’ Laurie prompted, her patience already beginning to run out.

‘You were right to be suspicious. Lorna’s case file was tampered with.’

‘Tampered with? How?’

‘There were files removed. Most importantly, the vehicle assessment is gone.’

‘What does that mean?’ Laurie asked, her eyes wide and desperate as she wanted so much to believe that this was the tiny ray of hope which she had been searching for.

‘It could mean nothing,’ Charles admitted sadly. ‘But then it could mean everything. If, say, Lorna’s car had been tampered with, that would be on the vehicle assessment.’

‘But who would take it?’ Laurie pleaded, knowing already that Charles would not be able to offer her an explanation.

‘I’ve no idea I’m afraid. I need to look into this further.’

‘So that’s it? Some missing files?’

‘It’s something,’ Charles said softly, wanted to dispel the disappointment in Laurie’s voice.

‘But it could just be an admin error?’ she challenged, crossing her arms across her chest defiantly.

‘Possibly. Until I look into this further I won’t know.’

‘So what am I supposed to do until then?’

‘Keep working here.’

‘No, no way!’ Laurie cried angrily, rising up from her chair. ‘I am done with this charade. I just want all this to be dealt with.’

Even though Laurie’s face was locked in a defiant expression, her lip quivered, belying the sadness which was welling up inside her.

‘You need to be patient for just a little while longer.’ Charles rose to his feet and walked over to where the young girl was standing, anticipating that she would again seek solace in his arms and weep against his shoulders.

But when Charles grew close Laurie physically pushed him away.

‘Just figure this out,’ she spat angrily before turning and walking out of the office, leaving a bemused Charles standing in the middle of the room. He regarded his empty arms as though it had only been a dream when Laurie had been wrapped up in them. His confusion quickly evaporated, leaving him feeling angry at the apparent rejection. But there had been a moment between them, he was certain of it.

Elaine Lloyd paced the lower level of her luxurious home. Charles would soon be there, and she refused to tolerate any excuses he could muster of fatigue from working late. She was going to tell him just how angry his absentee behaviour had made her. She was currently trying to find the words, wanting there to be no confusion over how much he had hurt her.

The soft whir of an engine carried across from the driveway, following by the mechanical unlocking of the front door. Elaine braced herself, puffing her chest out like a bird before a territorial display.

Charles entered his home, his face pale and downcast, but this didn’t deter Elaine. She immediately set upon him.

‘I have had enough!’ she declared angrily. Charles glanced up at her with disinterest.

‘I am sick and tired of you not being around. You are my husband for Christ’s sake and it’s about time you started acting like it!’

‘I’m also the Deputy Prime Minister of this country,’ Charles replied wearily, venturing deeper into the house and beginning to ascend the stairs, longing for the moderate release which sleep would bring.

‘Do not walk away from me!’ Elaine scolded, following her husband up the stairs with the helpless devotion of a lost puppy.

‘Elaine, please, I am very tired,’ Charles pleaded.

Having entered his bedroom, Charles began to undress but even this private act did not deter the militant tirade from his wife.

‘Well I am tired too! Tired of attending function after function alone! Charles it is important for your profile that you attend these things.’

Sighing, Charles sat down on the bed, his shirt almost completely unbuttoned, resigned to the fact that until his wife’s temper was appeased he would get no peace. Elaine immediately sat down beside him and took to completing the task he had begun; releasing the tie from his neck and taking off his shirt. Exhausted and still mentally bruised by his meeting with Laurie, Charles sat there like a giant doll and let his wife prepare him for bed.

‘You see, you need me,’ Elaine declared happily. ‘So stop pretending like you don’t.’

Charles was too tired to find the words and so merely sat there. He wanted to point out that needing someone was not akin to loving someone, but he decided against it. Any love that had once existed within his marriage was long gone, but to discuss its absence had become a taboo topic. Elaine needed the pretence of a happy union for her own sanity, and so Charles willingly gave her that.

‘Just tell me that it won’t happen again. That in future, we will attend engagements together.’ Charles looked into Elaine’s eyes, trying to find his wife, but all he saw was a vacuous stranger.

‘I don’t plan on attending any more galas or benefits,’ he admitted, watching how Elaine’s face instantly darkened at this.

‘Don’t be so ridiculous, Charles! You have to attend these events, especially with the public vote less than twelve months away.’

‘I don’t care anymore. I’m too tired. I’m happy to let someone else hold the reigns for a while.’

‘How can you say that?’ Elaine screamed, rising to her feet. ‘This is what we have worked for our entire life, and now you just want to throw it away?’

‘I’m not throwing anything away!’ Charles reasoned. ‘We achieved what we set out to do, we don’t need to keep holding on to it.’

The reality was that Charles longed for a life with some degree of anonymity. He didn’t enjoy his every move being scrutinized and he yearned for the freedom to be able to do as pleased. Elaine felt quite differently. Being the Deputy Prime Minister’s wife gave her life a much-needed purpose. Without that security, that title, she feared that she would inevitably flounder.

‘I don’t even know you are anymore,’ Elaine said bitterly. ‘You were ambitious once.’

‘I still am!’ Charles protested. ‘But there is nothing left. Can’t we just sit back and enjoy it all?’ Without realising, Charles had broken their unspoken rule and raised the taboo issue. His job, his career, allowed them to be together, as it gave their marriage distance – without that, all they had was a carcass of a relationship which had once been good but never great. The great relationships don’t decay, only the good ones.

‘What’s to enjoy? Our children? Our grandchildren?’ Tears began to streak the make-up Elaine had so carefully put on earlier that day.

‘Shhh, Elaine, don’t cry.’ Charles let his wife fall in to his arms, and unlike Laurie, she was grateful to release her tears upon his strong chest. Charles had to admit that it felt good to be needed, even though it was a hollow sensation as the feeling wasn’t reciprocated.

‘What about all those cruise ships you wanted to go on?’ he said as he tried to raise her mood.

‘But you hate the ocean!’ Elaine wailed, her voice muffled.

‘Yes, but you always go on about how you barely notice that you are at sea as the ships are like floating cities, so I’m sure I would be fine.’

Elaine pulled herself free from her husband’s embrace and looked him straight in the eye. She now resembled a sad clown, as her make-up had run and left great black streaks down her face.

‘I’ll never be enough for you though, will I?’ Charles thought he heard something accusatory in Elaine’s tone but he dismissed it.

‘Of course you will,’ he lied, when the truth was that Elaine had never been enough.

Charles kissed his wife on the forehead and she smiled at him but there was no warmth in her smile.

‘Everything will be okay,’ he reassured her.

‘I know, I’ll make sure it is.’