Chapter Ten

I came to find find Brenda drunk and sitting cross-legged on my floor. Her faded tank top straps hung off her scrawny shoulders, and she wore a pair of fuzzy purple pajama shorts with a Hello Kitty face print. Nobody bothered to ask me where I’d been or if I was okay, and Brenda scowled at me as though I’d walked into her living room and not my own.

“What the hell are you doing here at three in the morning, Brenda?” I looked at Blue lying shirtless on our bed casually blowing smoke rings from his mouth.

“That ain’t no way to greet me. Sometimes yer such a bitch. Did ya ever think somethin’s wrong, and I might need a friend to lean on?”

“Oh, please, what could be wrong, Brenda? Did one of your little RRSPs go back home to her parents? Or did one of them die again, like Perry? Like you give a rat’s ass what happens to any of us.”

“Do ya hear the mouth on this one, Blue?” Brenda nodded at Blue, too high and zoned out on the iPad to care. “C’mon, Blue. Yer supposed to support me on this.”

“Whatever, Brenda. Just tell her.”

“Tell me what?”

“Ole Brenda here’s been injured,” Brenda said, pointing to her chest.

“Sounds tragic,” I said. “What are you watching, Blue?”

Brenda threw an empty beer can at me. “Don’t brush me off, ya little tart!”

I swatted the beer can away. “What do you want, Brenda? I’m tired. I’ve had a long day and need a shower.”

She belched and pointed at my knees. “I can see your knees are raw, ya little slut. Suckin’ off those boys at school? Whatta ya think we’re runnin’ here? A frickin’ charity?”

“Get lost! Just because you can’t walk three feet without the thought of dick or how you can extort money out of someone through their dick doesn’t mean we’re all like you.”

“I’m gonna call Milos to fix yer bitchy yap! Blue, how can you let her talk to me like that?”

Blue stood up, walked into the kitchen, and came back with a glass of water. “Just say what you gotta say and then go home.”

“Goddammit! I hurt my back, Chanie, so I can’t do my cleanin’ job no more. So do ya know what that means?”

I raised my eyebrows. “That we will finally hire cleaners who actually clean the building?”

“Ain’t you a fuckin’ comedian! It means I’m gonna have to stop bein’ so nice to ya, and yer gonna be gettin’ back on the streets for work. I’ve tolerated this school shit for too long.”

“Get out of my house! I’m not hooking because you’re too lazy and underqualified to find a job.”

“Well, aren’t you all high and mighty now that ya think yer educated. What do ya think yer qualified for? Yer nothin’ but a street whore, and an emotional one at that. Ya won’t be talking back after Milos knocks those little white teeth of yers out, so watch yer step. I gave ya an inch and ya took a mile — no, more like a thousand miles.”

“Get out! I need to talk to Blue.”

“Blue ain’t gonna save ya. It’s his idea.”

I yanked the door open and swept my hand toward the hallway.

Blue nodded to Brenda. “You better go so I can talk to Chanie.”

“Ya better make her understand, or I’ll get Milos to do it!”

“I’ll fuckin’ talk to her, Brenda. Go home!”

Brenda walked up to me and pretended to swipe my face like a cat. I slammed the door behind her.

“What the hell, Blue?”

“Hang on, baby. I got something to show you.” Blue scurried into the kitchen and came back with the Nelson can. He reached into the can and waved a wad of bills in my face.

“Holy eff! Where did that cash come from?”

“What do you mean, where did it come from? Where do you think?”

I turned my head sideways and squinted. “Did you rob someone?”

“Hey! Fuck you. I worked hard for this money. I thought you’d be happy.”

“I am, baby. I’m just tired.”

“That’s not all, babe. Close your eyes and reach into the can.”

I stuck my hand in the can and pulled out a rose gold charm bracelet. “Oh my God, Blue. It’s so beautiful.”

“Just like you,” Blue said. “I worked overtime hours just for us, babe. I wanted to give you something that represented our love. Our bond. And to show you that I can’t wait for us to move to Nelson and put all this shit behind us.”

I stared at the bracelet, its sweet charms glimmering under the dim light. A tiny heart, a panda with blue rhinestone eyes, a hot pink daisy, and an assortment of rhinestone balls and speckled flowers.

Blue grabbed it from my hands and held up a dangling silver charm that said You melt my heart. “This is the one that sold me on it, Chanie. I will always treat you like the goddess you are. My princess.”

I held the charm between my fingertips and thought about how I’d rested too long when I’d fallen into Tuffy on the stairs. Self-sabotage. That was all I could come up with. Here I had a chance with a man who was out buying me a beautiful bracelet while I was out getting drunk and falling all over another guy in a burnt-up church.

I threw my arms around him. “Thank you, Blue. I love it. I love you! I cannot wait to enjoy our own backyard nestled away beneath the mountains!”

Blue set the can on the floor. “Yeah, baby. We gotta focus. We gotta find a way for you to get some cash too so we can blow this popsicle stand.”

I looked at the floor. I hadn’t given much thought to how I’d contribute to the coffee can. I needed to talk with Rie. I figured we could explore some options, like maybe I could get a waitressing gig at the Flying J as long as I maintained a high GPA. “I need to talk with my counsellor.”

“See. The thing is, we got a problem.”

“What problem?”

“Brenda and Milos. That stupid bitch has got it in her head that you owe her. And I guess in some ways you do. But anyways, she fucked up her back and can’t do the cleaning here anymore, so her wages dropped. And nobody wants to pay for sex with the old whore, so she can’t hook anymore.”

“How is that my problem, Blue? She’s still the building manager, so she’s not homeless or anything like that.”

“See, babe — that’s what I told her, but she won’t hear it. And then that Serbian monster, Milos, came over earlier to ‘help her explain the message’ to me. He’ll beat the shit out of us if we don’t play the game.”

I clenched my teeth and said, “I can’t work or I’ll end up in jail. Then nobody, including Brenda and Milos, will get any cash from me.”

“Chanie, you need to trust me. You’re my girl, and I told Brenda that. I told her you can’t get caught. So I kind of worked something out so you can stay in school, shut her up, and make us some escape money.”

“Really? Sounds too good to be true.”

“I told her she has to screen any clients past me before I’ll let you service them. And they need to phone in or order you online because we can’t risk one of your teachers seeing you out on the street. Plus, there’s some psycho out there killing girls like Perry.”

“How does that help?” A chill seeped into my marrow. Perry’s purple lips, her battered neck, the yellow tarp floating over her body on the pavement.

“Two ways, baby face. First of all, I get to make sure the guy callin’ for you ain’t some piece of shit that’s gonna mess you up or kill you, and secondly, we get escape money to put in the can. The more you earn, the sooner we can run away together.”

Blue made it sound so simple, like a game show. It made sense, I guess. Safe tricks who call in or use a secret Facebook page to order me through Messenger. I wouldn’t have to stand out on the street and risk getting caught. I hated being a whore, but it was the fastest way to buy us a new life. Waitressing would have been nice, but it was unlikely that the school would approve of me getting a job. Plus, I’d known many waitresses turned working girl because they couldn’t pay their rent. Perry had been one of them. She’d told me that she made more money in her first four hours as a hooker than she’d ever made in two full weeks working at Shando’s Pub.

I touched Blue’s arm. “What about us?”

“What do you mean, baby? This is all about us. We make the money to get away and have a good life together. It’s all for us, or I wouldn’t let this happen to you.”

“I mean — about our relationship — like us having sex?”

“Baby, I’m not one of those insecure boys you go to school with. I’m a man. I get that life’s a bitch, and we gotta make sacrifices to get the things we want. I know when you’re with those guys, it means nothing. It’s just work, like me installing a floor. Means nothing at all.”

“But I hate giving money to that bitch.”

“I know. But it’s kind of like we’re pullin’ one over on her. She thinks you’re working because you owe her, but you’re actually working to pay for us to run away to Nelson. Every dollar is one step closer to getting away from her. It’s the fastest way. We could never get out of here if you had a minimum-wage job.”

I knew I didn’t have a choice. I’d never escape without having money to run. I had to do it. At least Blue would be there to look out for me. I looked at the bracelet on my wrist. “Okay, Blue. You’re right. But I need to eat and get some sleep. Can we talk more tomorrow?”

“Of course, love. It will all work out. You’ll see.”

I turned the lights off but couldn’t fall asleep. My emotions rustled about like cockroaches chewing at my brain: guilt, fear, shame. Had Mr. Lavoy sensed my suspicions of him? Did he know how far I’d have gone to stay out of jail? I knew only one currency, but he hadn’t cashed it in. Instead, he’d helped me.

---

Blue left early Saturday morning and came back with a TV. I didn’t ask him where it came from because I didn’t want to know. It was a welcome distraction. I’d never bothered with a television, even though cable came with the rent. We got caught up in a marathon of CSI: Miami that enthralled us into the wee hours of Sunday morning. I liked being absent from my mind. It kept the black clouds of my upcoming return to work at bay.

I spent the rest of the weekend getting drunk and watching football with Blue. Somehow, I became a Giants fan and found myself yelling at random football players. I decided that David Wilson should have signed with a better team, Eli Manning was the king, Victor Cruz could float, and Tom Brady was a douche-bag who reminded me of Jeremy, except Brady was rich, healthy, and had great skin.

Blue cooked up almost every treat the commercials taunted us with. He baked jalapeño poppers, stuffed potatoes slathered in sour cream, Tostitos with cheese, mini pizzas, Pillsbury cinnamon buns, and chocolate chip cookies. I went out to get chai lattes, coffee-flavoured Häagen-Dazs, and more bags of chips and Doritos. We were like two old fat guys who’d been hanging out for years. We didn’t even blink when our phones beeped and buzzed, and when Brenda yelled outside our door, we didn’t budge. Pure bliss! Food, sex, weed, and football all day long. I slept soundly and dreamt of Eli Manning playing ball with Dorito in the schoolyard.

Monday morning came too soon. The magic of the weekend became only a memory. The reality of whoring again unravelled me. I wanted to run away, but no money meant no escape. Plus, I could never leave Blue behind. I’d make it work for us. I’d work harder than ever before and follow a strict budget. No more fast food and takeout. I could get us out of the city if I stayed strong and focused. I’d save money, get good grades, and find a solid job in Nelson.

I met Ginger at the Mac’s for coffee. She looked like a weekend rainstorm, grey and cold. She squinted through the dirty window and flipped her middle finger up, laughed, and then waved me to come into the store.

“Hi, bud,” I said, quickly nodding at her and grabbing a cup.

“What the hell do you mean, ‘Hi, bud’? I’ve been worried sick about you.”

“I let you know I was okay.”

“Yeah. And then you went fucking missing, Chanie. Eighteen text messages! Ignored! Like I’d sent them into the abyss. Makes me worry, you know, with Blue being the way he is.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, you know … He comes home high sometimes. I’m just worried he’s not stable. I’ve known a lot of good guys who do bad shit when they’re on drugs.”

“It’s not like that.”

“Then what’s it like?”

“Let’s meet for lunch and I’ll tell you what’s going on.”

“Okay, Chanie. But it better be good.”

We headed to school.

Mr. Lavoy walked toward me in the hall. I pretended to be texting and scurried into a classroom.

“Chanie!”

“Oh, hey, Mr. Lavoy. How’s Dorito?”

“Dorito won’t be doing overtime on writing assignments this week, so he’s probably better than you.”

I shrugged and nodded.

“I booked the computer lab for you today, so you can start your writing assignment right after your last class.”

“I’ll be there.”

“So will I. And tell Tuffy to come and see me.”

“As soon as I see him, Mr. Lavoy. See you in English.”

I went down to the gym for our mandatory meditation practice. Someone handed me a glossy postcard with a picture of a pink lotus flower floating on black water with a couple of bright green leaves. It said, May I live like the lotus, at ease in the muddy water. I sat down, crossed my legs, and nodded at Annie Pema, the Buddhist nun. She came from the Shambhala Centre, which I thought sounded like a place where people danced in grass skirts on golden shag carpet until three in the morning. But as it turned out, it was just a big room in the basement of a clothing store on Jasper Avenue with a four-foot bronze Buddha statue at the front of the room and a bunch of cushions for people to sit on. No shag carpet, grass skirts, or dancing. A similar area had been set up in the gym for us and we just sat breathing in and breathing out with our eyes half closed and focused six feet in front of us.

Meditation drove me nuts for the first while. Having to sit for so long made my back hurt, and I always had to pee. The phrase ants in your pants likely came from somebody who was learning to meditate. Annie Pema told us that the way we react in our meditation practice is the same way we react to our lives and circumstances. The truth in that piece of wisdom pissed me off.

---

I struggled with the different ideologies that were presented to us. Buddhists don’t believe in God and say the Buddha exists within each of us. We’re supposed to find the Buddha inside ourselves through the four noble truths, the eightfold path, renunciation, and meditation. This puzzled me, but I fully understood the first noble truth: Life is suffering.

Then there was Pastor Josh and the whole Jesus eye-in-the-sky thing. I figured I’d have to consider some other religions because, otherwise, I’d have to choose between a fat guy sitting under a tree or a bearded guy who looked like a pot-smoking landscaper. I liked them both but couldn’t feel either one of them inside me.

Annie Pema made me squirm. She always smiled at me with knowing eyes, like she could see beneath my skin where all the men had been. At the end of our meditation practice, she always whispered, “Now just sit in your place of peace for a few minutes and then take that peace into your every moment today.” Then she’d smile like she’d just smoked a pile of weed, stand up, and leave the room.

“Hey, Chanie,” Jeremy said. “Do you wanna hear me read out the four noble truths?”

I glared at Jeremy. “If only you could read!”

“Okay, here it goes.” Jeremy wiggled his eyebrows up and down. “Number one, life sucks dick, like Chanie. Two, Chanie sucks dick because she wants stuff, and three, if you want Chanie to stop sucking dick, she needs to stop wanting stuff. And lastly, there is nothing that can stop her from sucking dick.”

Ginger leaned over and punched him in the shoulder. “Grow up, asshat! You’re just pissed off because your grades suck and you’re a dirty puke!”

“Hey, Chanie,” Jeremy said. “Tell me the secret of your high grades.”

I looked up at the ceiling. “I guess you have two options. If you ever want to graduate, learn to study or learn how to give a good blow job.”

Ginger laughed. Jeremy laughed too but told me to go fuck myself and left the room with Tuffy.

Ginger looked at me, dreamy-eyed from meditation and Xanax. “Tell me why you love Blue so much.”

I paused and looked at the floor. “I don’t know how to explain it. Mr. Lavoy assigned me a piece of writing about how Blue makes me feel. Maybe you can read it when it’s finished.”

“Ooh, like Fifty Shades of Blue.”

I shook my head. Ginger loved romance novels and often quoted lines from Fifty Shades of Grey, substituting Jeremy’s name in convenient passages. She saved Les Misérables for our daily reading. She said, “That’s assigned reading. When I’m sitting around at home with my dickhead landlord staring at me, I need to be beamed up to another place. Fifty Shades takes me there.”

“Nothing like mommy porn to take you higher, Gin Gin. I’m supposed to write about how Blue moves me and makes me feel.”

“Yeah! Up and down and side to side, doggy style. There it is! Your assignment in” — she counted on her fingers — “ten words.”

“I’m sure Lavoy would love that.”

Ginger got serious. “So, really. What is going on with him?”

“Nothing bad. He needs a fresh start too. He’s had a hard life. We have a plan to save money and move to Nelson, B.C. Get away from Brenda and Milos and leave my hooking career behind.”

“And where the fuck am I gonna go? You can’t just throw me away. I’m coming with you.”

“That would be amazing, Gin Gin! You should come.”

“Sign me up, Chanie!”

“We have to save money. Can you go back to the club you told me about, with the French pervert who made you lap dance when you were fifteen?”

“Oh, Vince!” Ginger pushed her boobs up. “I can talk to that ass and see if he’ll let me come back. I’ll definitely need way more Xanax. What if we get caught?”

“I haven’t thought that far in advance. You just became a part of the plan about five seconds ago.”

“Hmm. Maybe he can sell me as a private special and hide me in the back room until someone buys me?”

“Maybe.”

“How are you going to earn your savings, Chanie? Maybe Vince will hire both of us? We can dye your hair red and pretend to be twins.”

“Sure, except my boobs are three sizes smaller than yours.”

Our escape plan seemed ludicrous yet possible. I felt alive, like hope was beginning to fill up my abandoned reserves. And while we stood together on the street puffing up our chests and cupping our boobs, I realized I could never leave town without her.