Chapter Twenty-Three
I had to get Sox out. I’d reason with Blue. I’d pretend to be mad at the neighbours for “interferin’ in our business.” I’d plead for forgiveness and say that our future together was the only thing that was keeping me going. I’d even beg him to help me find a way to make things right with Brenda and Milos. I’d make him feel like he was in charge. That I needed him. I’d do whatever I could to buy time to find Sox a safe haven and get my things, especially my books. Then I’d figure out a hiding place until I graduated. And then I’d be gone.
I snuck up through the stairwell. Brenda was too weak to use the stairs, her body equally as sick as her mind. She claimed that she’d worked too hard her whole life and it had broken her down like an old workhorse. Alcohol, drugs, and a diet of french fries and gravy never came up in those conversations. Just how nothing was ever her fault and that the world would always “owe her somethin’.”
The sweet scent of baked berries warmed the apartment hallway. Esther was baking again. The wonderful scent of a normal home filled with love. So odd and out of place in that rat-pit of a building. That was how my future home with Tuffy would smell, like fresh-baked berries and hope. There’d be no way it would resemble the rancid sights and smells of my apartment building: wallpaper peeling off the wall, plastic light fixtures aged the colour of bad cheddar disintegrating with every flicker, babies crying, garbage bags rotting in the stairwell, urine, grease, and dirty diapers. The building begged for a fire. It was ready to surrender its land to something better.
“Only two more months and we’ll be free,” Tuffy had said. But I felt like I was trying to swim to shore from a shipwreck with no land in sight, my muscles fraying, the water getting deathly cold. “Look to what you want, Chanie,” Tuffy had whispered before kissing me goodnight, reluctant to send me home. I promised to text him every hour. I could still taste him on my lips and feel the heat of his body on mine.
When I opened the door, Blue was jerking off to porn on the bed with my iPad. Two spray-tanned blondes with gigantic boobs lay side by side with their legs spread. He looked right at me, smirked, and kept grunting and moaning and calling them sluts. If I hadn’t been so driven to see Sox, I would have left again. If Blue thought I’d be shocked, he was wrong. I already knew what a piece of trash he was. It had just taken me a while to see it.
He didn’t talk to me for close to two hours. He skulked around me and behind me. He even bumped up against me in the kitchen. I wanted to search for my purse and phone, but he wouldn’t let me out of his sight. He stood in the doorway of the bathroom while I peed, and though staring right at me, pretended not to hear me when I asked where my backpack was.
I rolled with it and ignored him too. But just like the first whiff of winter, the air changed. The room became thick and congested, almost suffocating, as though we’d dropped from the ninth floor to six feet beneath the ground. Blue leaned against the dresser, pushing it closer to the wall against Sox. I had to do something, but what?
“Blue, please.” I tried to reason with him as I watched Sox’s tail quiver.
“What’s the matter? Where’s your fucking cat, Jade?” Blue began bucking his weight against the dresser.
“Blue! What the fuck!” I snapped.
Blue turned around and yanked the dresser away from the wall. Sox crouched down, terrified and frozen in place, unable to escape Blue’s hand as it ripped him from the floor by his scruff.
“Get away from him!” I shrieked, lunging at Blue, grabbing his arm with both my hands. Sox squealed out a guttural meow as Blue threw him to the floor. The kitten scrambled into the kitchen and jumped inside the lower cabinet with the lopsided door.
“Fuck you and that nasty cat!” Blue slammed the dresser back against the wall.
“Blue, let’s talk about things,” I begged.
“What’s there to talk about, Chanie? Your new boyfriend?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Blue snarled at me. And then he started singing:
I won’t be the victim of a love song
I will only be the lonely
Walking through a dream
Towards your arms, your eyes, and your love
But it WON’T BE YOU
WHO I WAKE UP TO!
I’d never seen him look like he did in that moment. How long had he been there in the gym? His nostrils flared, his eyes bulged, and his upper lip twitched and curled like a snarling dog. He planted his feet in a wide stance, cracked his neck a couple of times, and then his knuckles, as though preparing to step into a boxing ring with a prize fighter. His jaw quivered, and his teeth clicked together. The light in his eyes went out, and I thought for sure he’d kill me.
“You don’t laugh and smile like that with me, you dirty whore. I saw you all happy, dancing around like a fuckin’ ten-year-old! Made me sick, Chanie! Fucking sick! Makes me want to punch your fuckin’ teeth out!”
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I just stood there.
“You know what, Chanie?” Blue screamed, his spit spraying my face. “You know how we’re gonna make this right?”
“No, Blue — I —”
“Little Pocahontas is gonna pay me for your services, slut! You ain’t some free-for-all fuck doll for those little schoolboys. You belong to me. He owes me $250 and Brenda $350.”
“Tuffy’s not paying you,” I said. “He’s not a john. He’s my friend. He owes you nothing.”
Blue laughed. Great big exaggerated laughter. He looked so ugly to me with that ferret face I’d hated the first time I’d ever seen him. He looked so much older now, his looks decaying even faster than his soul. His eyes were dead, like dust. Like all the meth had eaten his insides. I looked straight at him and stood my ground, but my body quivered, and tears rolled down my face. Blue shook his head, clenched his fist, and knocked me out.
When I woke up, he told me the only reason he hadn’t beaten me even worse was so I’d be able to go out and earn the money I owed them. “Protecting my investment,” he’d said. “Can’t afford to beat the shit out of you when we’re so short on cash.”
“Get your slut clothes on and get ready,” Blue said. “We got you a little private party at a hotel tonight.” He tossed a bottle of Tylenol 3 at me. “I mixed you up a little drink to take the edge off. These boys said they want a loose little party girl. I told them I got just the girl for them.”
“Blue, please.” I hated myself for begging.
“Hey! Maybe there’ll be a little Indian boy for you. You seem to like them brown guys.”
He walked over and handed me a rum. “Gotta run up and see Brenda for a minute. Don’t do anything stupid, Chanie.”
I nodded.
“Oh yeah! I got your phone with me. Your little Ginger friend sent you a bunch of smiley faces, whatever that means. Your fuckin’ friends are gonna be the end of you.”
I nodded again, grateful that Ginger had taken the time to invent a texting code. She’d send a smiley face and wait for me to respond with a predetermined emoji before sending more messages. This week’s agreed emoji was the monkey with his hands over his face.
As soon as Blue closed the door, I moved fast. I filled two containers: one with cat food and one with water. I grabbed a baking pan and used my hands to scoop litter out of the cat pan. I tucked everything behind the laundry basket in the storage closet. Then I pulled Sox out of the cabinet and kissed his face. I told him to be a good boy, locked him in the closet, and promised I’d come back for him.
Blue walked in twenty minutes later. By then I’d had three rums. The pills and booze had calmed me, but my hatred for him boiled in my belly. Thankfully, my face wasn’t bruised because he’d punched me in the side of the head. A strategic beating. It worked better that way anyway. Fewer questions at school, and I got to “keep my pretty face” for all the men who paid me.
When we got to the door, Blue shoved me away and looked out the peephole. “Fucking neighbours. Hang tight, Chanie. Them nosy church freaks are in the hallway. Looks like they’re goin’ out.”
I heard Dan’s low voice but couldn’t make out the words. Esther laughed, and then the elevator doors banged open.
“Okay. They’re gone. Glad they’re moving the fuck out. After that little scene you caused, we don’t need them hangin’ around.”
“How do you know they’re moving?” I asked, hoping he was making it up.
“They gave Brenda notice after your little freak-out. Out by the end of the month.”
Who would pray for me?
My motel clients liked to party and poured very big drinks. They tipped me a hundred bucks and paid for my cab ride home. I considered asking the cabbie if I could use his phone to call Tuffy, but the taste from the men at the motel still lingered in my mouth. I couldn’t talk to Tuffy with a mouth full of shame.
The cabbie smiled and asked me if I was okay. I nodded and tipped him five bucks. I hid the hundred-dollar bill in the box of an abandoned truck in the parking lot. Screw Milos and his so-called accounter powers.
When I got home and tried my key in the door, it didn’t work. I blinked hard to see if I had the right suite. My mind had been tricky lately, and I was high and drunk. I tried again, but no luck. I heard Blue walk up to the inside of the door, his text tones clicking away. He did strange things when he was high. Maybe he’d wrecked the lock somehow. I waited patiently for him to let me in, but he didn’t. I tapped on the door. No answer! And then the elevator doors swung open, and Brenda and Milos stepped into the hall.
“Well, looky here!” Brenda said. “We got our little girl back, Milos.”
“Brenda, back off. I just want to see Blue,” I pleaded.
“Ya can’t just cause problems like ya did and then come back here and not think there’d be hell to pay, Jade!”
“Brenda, please just let me go to bed. I’m tired.”
“Too bad, bitch!” Brenda lurched toward me and yanked my head back with my hair.
Blue opened the suite door. “Get the fuck off her, Brenda.”
“She ain’t yer business, Blue.”
“Yeah, Brenda, she is. Let her go.”
Brenda shoved me toward Milos. He took a swing at me, but I twisted on my heel and turned away from him. He shoved me into the wall and slammed his fist into my back. I felt like I’d been stabbed, like a fireplace poker had been jammed into my flesh. I staggered between Blue and Brenda, hunched over and gagging. Milos tried to grab me again, but Blue stepped in front of him. “Fuck off, Milos. Let me deal with her.”
“I just want to go inside,” I begged Blue. I’d been begging Blue a lot.
“Look at her,” Blue said. “You can’t beat the fuck out of her and expect her to keep working. One of her shithead teachers is gonna call the cops.”
I wanted to believe that Blue was trying to protect me because he cared, but I knew better. He needed money for drugs and his dealer. His only horse couldn’t be out of the race.
“Why can’t you get someone else to work for you, Brenda?” I snapped.
“Cuz you owe me big for givin’ you a life, Jade. Plus, all them other little sluts turn into junkies and run off and die. Yer nice and clean, other than a bit of booze and codeine. That’s why yer such a big moneymaker. It certainly ain’t them little titties of yers.” Brenda laughed and tried to grab my nipple. “Did ya tell her the new rules yet, Blue?”
Blue blew a smoke ring from his mouth. “You tell her.”
“Hear this, Jade! We’s all made a business decision to clip yer little wings. So we changed the lock on yer door.”
I shook my head. I was in too much pain to focus. “What’s that supposed to do?”
“Yer gonna need to give me the building key too, Jade.” Brenda reached for my purse.
I yanked it away from her. “How the fuck am I supposed to get in here?”
“Yer gonna need to buzz me, Blue, or Milos. Then one of us will let ya in and come and unlock yer door for ya.”
“That can’t be legal, Brenda! It’s my lease.”
“Who ya gonna call, Jade? The cops? I’ll tell them ya haven’t paid yer rent and that I kicked ya out months ago.”
“And then I go to jail, and you’ll have to earn your own drug money.”
Milos punched my ribs again, knocking the wind out of me. I dropped to my knees and hunched over.
“Back the fuck off, Milos.” Blue pulled me up by my arm. “We don’t need the fuckin’ neighbours coming out here! Chanie, go inside.”
I staggered inside and hunted for Sox. The storage room door was open. I limped over to the dresser and looked for him, but he wasn’t there. I rummaged through the suite looking everywhere for him, but I couldn’t find him. His dishes weren’t on the floor, and his litter pan was empty and turned upside down. I ran to the door and swung it open.
“Where is he?” I screamed in Blue’s face.
“Calm the fuck down before I slap you!” Blue shoved me away from him.
“Where the fuck is Sox?”
Brenda laughed at me, Milos joining in on cue. “Calm down, Jade. Me and Milos got him at my place till ya learn to respect us a bit more.”
“I’ll do whatever you need. Just bring my cat back to me.”
“You gotta earn that privilege, Jade. We’s also decided to fine ya on top of your regular earnings. We’s gonna have a few drinks first and then come see ya later tonight when we decide what yer final punishment is.”
“What the fuck do you people want from me?”
“I just told ya. We’ll all have a talk and let ya know. In the meantime, Jade, get some rest, cuz yer gonna be workin’ more than ya ever have. Yer gonna have yer fine to pay, yer regular earnings, and now I gotta feed that fuckin’ cat of yers too. So food and shit and room and board.”
I slammed the suite door and eased myself into bed. I tried to turn onto my side, but the spasms were too sharp. Blue came back in and walked over. He looked at me and shook his head.
“Jesus Christ, Chanie. What have we done?”
“Help me, Blue,” I pleaded. He tried to reach for my hand, but I couldn’t move.
“I can’t take you to the hospital. What’s wrong with you?”
“My back …” I started to cry again.
Blue paced around the living room. “Let me call my mom. That old bird always has back problems.”
I faded in and out while he chatted with his mom. A few minutes later, he stood over me, zipping up his coat. “Don’t move, Chanie. I’ll be right back.”
I stayed still, repeating my mantra over and over, my breath finally slowing and easing me to sleep. When Blue’s mom came in and sat on the bed, I woke up. My back spasmed, and I started to cry. She stroked my shoulder and shook her head at Blue. “What the hell did you do to her?”
“Fuck you, Mom. I didn’t do anything to her. She had an accident.”
“You’re no better than your fucking father. Go to the Horton and get us some coffee. You owe us at least that much!”
“Whatever, Mom. She’s fine.”
“Go!”
Blue’s mom stayed next to me and rubbed my back while I tried to sleep. “What the hell are they doing to you, Chanie?”
It hurt to talk, but I had to ask her to help me. “Can you please stop asking Blue for money? He takes it from me. It’s making things much harder for me.”
Donna looked as though I’d slapped her. “What are you talking about?”
“He said he keeps giving you money because you can’t pay for rent and medication.”
“I don’t know what he’s tellin’ you, sweetheart, but that little rodent has never given me a dime. That little fucker owes me a pile of cash.”
Blue walked in with coffee and muffins. His mom gave me two pills and then took two herself. “Take care of her, Blue. I’m comin’ back in a few days to make sure she’s okay.” She patted my head gently and stood up.
“Mom left us some food,” Blue said. “I’ll heat you up some cabbage rolls and soup.”
When had I last eaten?
I waited to sit up until Blue brought the food over. It smelled so good. He propped me up against the pillows and sat next to me while I ate. When I finished, he reheated my coffee in the microwave and brought me sparkling water to take more Tylenol 3.
“We gotta get you on your feet and get you back to work,” Blue said. “Fucking Milos!”
Oh my God! I couldn’t believe him, but I played the game. “I know, babe. I wish he hadn’t hit me so hard. Now I’m getting behind, and we need some cash.”
“Do you think you can work in the next couple of days? We’re running through our cash like water. It’s getting low.”
“I’ll sure try, babe.” I didn’t say a thing about the Nelson can because that dream, like my affection for Blue, was long gone.
“Stay in bed. Mom already talked to your school counsellor, so you can rest.”
“Hey, Blue? Do you think you can help me with something?”
“Depends.”
My eyes filled with tears. “Can you get Sox and bring him for a visit?”
“Get some sleep, Chanie.”
A few hours later, Blue woke me up. Sox hung in his hand, limp like an old sport sock. “You can only have him for a couple of hours. I gotta go out for a bit.”
Sox squatted on the bed, uncomfortable and dazed, his fur sticky, eyes black with terror. His tail looked like a sparkler, frayed and jagged. When I reached for him, he hissed and scurried under the duvet. He curled his body tight and quivered. I stroked his little back, aching to hear him purr, but he didn’t. He just breathed short, raspy breaths. I lifted the blanket. He looked at me, his eyes flat, ears back, pleading for help. He was broken, like me. But we were still alive — for the time being. I reached for the pills on the bedside table and opened the cap. He couldn’t suffer anymore.
I knew what I had to do.