Chapter Twenty-Eight

What would I choose to remember about me?

Rape. Violence. Suicide.

Or grace.

I teetered between two worlds. One world touched by the sun, full of radiant beings, neon flowers, and trees one hundred feet tall. Magenta waterfalls, crystal mountains, periwinkle water, children and animals beaming with joy. Everything aglow. Whole and perfect. The other world, Tuffy’s broken face, like a crumbled mountain, his stillness blown to pieces like the ruins of a war. Jeremy, heavily tranquilized, his eyes foggy and empty, like the windows of an abandoned home. Ginger — murdered. My body — destroyed. The fear of being hunted. The terror of remembering that I’d been caught.

In the first world, I stood very still at the edge of a field. I wanted to run and jump off the crystal mountain into the teal waters, pet the animals, and play with the children. My head was clear, and my body was vital and whole. But if I stepped into the meadow, I knew I could never go back. I’d never see Tuffy, Mr. Lavoy, and Jeremy again. But it hurt too much to be alive anymore. I had too many bad memories, too many triggers, and too much karmic debt. I needed so much healing and had so little energy to do it. My life had become tired, tainted, and worn.

I took a step toward the grass.

A firm hand gripped my shoulder and stopped me.

Dad …

“I love you, Chanie.” Those were his only words. He took a step back and swept one hand toward the earth and then raised his arms to salute the sun. A gigantic lotus sprouted up from the ground, the bud as big as the moon. The flower swirled and spun violet petals into the lavender sky, where they exploded and burst into thousands of tiny blossoms. The blooms rained down on me, fresh and sweet, and my body felt lighter than air. I threw my arms up and lifted my face to the sun. I twirled and danced beneath the velvety pink blossoms, and then Ginger was there, laughing and dancing next to me, holding my hand. We reached down and filled our hands with flowers and threw them high into the sky. “I missed you, Ginger,” I cried.

And then a thud. Enormous pain. Grey. Cold. Dark.

“I missed you too, Chanie.”

I opened my eyes.

Ginger was leaning on Jeremy next to my hospital bed. She was broken and sad, like Sox on the night that I’d saved him. We stared at each other, silent and grateful, and then we wept. Tuffy dusted my face with feathery kisses, sweet and gentle, like the pink blossoms that had fallen from the sky. Ginger took my hand, the way she had in the field full of flowers, and we all prayed together.

The nurse came in and smiled. “Welcome back. You gave us all a good scare.”

“But I died,” I said.

The nurse laughed, her face sweet and sympathetic. “You’re okay, young lady. Keep calm. I’m going to get the doctor for you.”

“No! I died! I saw the yellow tarp. They covered me with a tarp.”

“Who covered you?”

“The police … I think.”

“Hmm, no. A great big man rode in on the ambulance with you. He’d wrapped you up in his yellow raincoat.”

Foggy memories of the highway. Beaten and raped. In the trunk of a car and then on the pavement. The yellow …

“Do the cops know what happened to me?”

“The doctor will see you soon.”

“Who saved me?”

“He wouldn’t leave a name. But he left you that little guy on the shelf.”

Dingo!

When the police came to see me, I asked for Constable Mitch and Mr. Lavoy to be present. Ginger sat on the bed with me. Tuffy left the room while I talked about the details of the rape. I’d share it with him in private when we could grieve together.

A cop named Detective Filgate came to see me. He was kind of handsome, in a Richard Gere sort of way. He cleared his throat a lot and kept looking at Mr. Lavoy, as though asking him for permission to proceed. Mr. Lavoy gave him a crisp nod, and the detective pulled out his notepad.

“We were able to track your phone to a Quonset ten minutes out of the city. The place has been vacant for months. The owner abandoned it because of an illness. But there appears to have been some activity in the shop where they …”

“Attacked me.” I finished the sentence for him.

“Yes, I’m so sorry, Ms. Nyrider. This must be hard for you.”

“It’s okay, sir.”

“Have you ever been there before?”

No! But I’ve been raped before.

“I haven’t, sir.”

“Well, by the time we got out there, you were gone. We couldn’t find anyone. Anyway, we left fast because dispatch said you’d been brought into Emergency.”

“They put me in the trunk of the car. I remember that. I also remember Milos choking me.”

“Milos left the city,” Detective Filgate said. “We’ve issued warrants.”

“What about Blue and Brenda?”

“Blue is in the Remand Centre. Brenda — well, we just couldn’t pin much on her. She was at home when you were brought in. Said she didn’t know anything.”

“She’s lying.”

“We know that.”

“She was there with them. When they beat me up and raped me.”

“Yeah, but the problem is that she’s married to Blue. Technically, a spouse can’t testify against her husband.”

“What?!”

“Anyway, Blue’s own mother won’t bail him out, so I think he will be locked up for a bit. This would be a good time for you to get your belongings from your apartment and find a safe place to live.”

“I’m moving to B.C. soon,” I said. “I’m graduating in a couple of weeks. Moving away and starting over.”

“That’s a good idea, Ms. Nyrider. But you’ll have to come back to testify. But don’t worry about that right now. Rest up.” He gave my forearm a reassuring squeeze, nodded at Mr. Lavoy, and left.

The cops and the prosecutor didn’t let me rest. The prosecutor said, “We have to build the case. Get the details while they’re still fresh.” Fresh! I told them to stop waking me up. I needed peace and quiet.

Rie and Pastor Josh tried to help. Rie said, “You need some privacy to process. Quiet time. You need to keep your eyes on healing.” But everybody kept asking questions. Prying. Exposing every nerve. Keeping it fresh! I’d been raped, choked, and tossed into a garbage bin. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Ever.

When Mr. Lavoy came to see me, I said, “I don’t feel like talking today.”

He said, “That’s okay, Chanie. You just have to listen. Your essay was in the top five. I hope you’ve been preparing a speech.”

Pastor Josh, Rie, and Mr. Lavoy brought our homework to the hospital. They spent every evening and weekend with Ginger and me, preparing us for our finals. Tuffy and Jeremy sat in on study sessions, and Allister offered to tutor us in his spare time. Everybody came together to make sure the four of us made it through. At first, I could only study for an hour at the longest, but my recovery came quickly, and I worked hard.

Mr. Tanji showed up on our scheduled nights. He said, “I can’t miss our little visits, Chanie. Pretty soon you will move away, and I will miss you so much.”

The hospital put Ginger and me in the same room. We felt safer together. The boys slept in chairs and on the edges of our mattresses because nobody knew where Milos was. None of us felt safe. Tuffy and Jeremy wanted to kill him. They said it was the only way to make sure he never hurt us again. Ginger said, “No more violence. Spend your energy on something better.” But I wanted Milos dead.

“What happened to you, Ginger?” I’d been asking her every night, but she kept saying she needed time.

“Chanie, you don’t want to know.”

“Ginger, I do.”

“Okay.”

I went over and sat on her bed. She took a few breaths and folded her hands on her lap.

“The night you stayed with Tuffy at the Sawridge, Jeremy and I had a fight. He said our lives were a mess because of you.”

“He’s right.”

“He’s not, Chanie. You don’t get it.”

“I do get it! My mess almost got you killed.”

“We are always exactly where we’re supposed to be. No matter how good or how bad. Milos and Blue hurt me. You didn’t do this to me, Chanie. They did!”

“Because of me.”

“Because they’re sick bastards. Not because of you. Anyways, Jeremy went to sit out behind the motel to cool off. I dozed off. Milos tapped so gently on the door, I just assumed it was Jeremy, so I opened the door.”

“Oh my God!” I felt bile rise in my throat.

“Yep! Milos. Big man. Strong. In the back seat of the car before I could even scream for Jeremy.”

“I’m so sorry.” I started crying.

“Stop apologizing, Chanie. Or I won’t talk about this with you anymore.”

“But I feel —”

“It’s bad enough I have to heal from what they did to me. And to you. So I can’t be trying to take care of your guilt, too. We need to be strong, for ourselves and for each other. I forgive any wrongdoings you think you may have caused me.”

I couldn’t speak. Ginger took my hands in hers. “They took me to your apartment, Chanie. Blue and Milos made me drink with them. I didn’t want to, but it wasn’t a suggestion.”

“Fuckers!”

“Anyways, Brenda is a sick fuck, too. She watched them —”

“Oh no no no! No, Ginger!”

“Yes, Chanie.”

“I’ll fucking kill Blue!”

“Chanie, please. Please, please, please …”

“I’m sorry, Ginger. I’m so sorry.”

“Chanie! We’re alive. We’re going to end them. We’re strong with Tuffy and Jeremy. The secret’s out. The cops are on our side now. Mr. Lavoy and the other teachers.”

“We need to end them, Ginger. Brenda too.”

“That bitch ripped my mom’s silver crucifix off my neck.”

“Do you know where it might be?”

“It’s in your apartment somewhere.”

We had two weeks until graduation. Mr. Tanji paid for adjoining rooms at the Sawridge for the four of us. We studied, watched movies, and Ginger and I cried a lot. Tuffy’s stillness returned, but a quiet rage festered behind his dark eyes. Jeremy too. He was grateful, but angry. Ginger implemented zero tolerance for talk of vengeance and told us that practising more mindful speech would help us heal. We maintained our composure. Grace … There’s something about the word grace that moves me and inspires me to do better.

“We will begin again,” Ginger said. “Start fresh. New memories!”

“I will spend the rest of my life making the three of you happy,” I said.

Constable Mitch showed up at the Sawridge a few days before grad. “Chanie and Ginger, I have some interesting news for you.”

Fentanyl! I pictured the three meth heads dead in a pile on the floor of my old apartment.

“Milos’s Lincoln was found smashed to bits off the railway tracks by Edson.”

“What do you mean?” Ginger said.

“Looks like he got hit by a train. Maybe drunk? Maybe suicide? Who can tell?”

Some prayers do get answered.

Ginger and I fought hard, for our lives, for our love, and for Tuffy and Jeremy. I loved Tuffy more than I could ever have imagined loving anyone or anything, but I couldn’t fully connect to him. Rie said it was normal, given the physical trauma of the rape. Ginger felt the same way with Jeremy. Tuffy and Jeremy said they’d wait forever if they had to. Because they’d wait forever, we’d make sure they didn’t have to.

A couple of days before grad, I dropped Dingo off at the shelter for Al and went to the apartment to look for Ginger’s necklace. I didn’t consider Brenda a threat. Mitch had told me she’d been fired and had to move in with Blue’s mother, and Blue was in custody at the Remand Centre. He’d also contacted the new landlord to get me a set of keys. A part of me wanted to see my old place, say goodbye, and put it to rest. I also wanted to find my grandmother’s rosary and a dreamcatcher I’d never had the chance to hang.

I used the alley because I had to walk down that alley unafraid so I could put it behind me. I needed to change the memories and begin healing. The last time I’d been inside the building was the night that Esther and Dan had saved Sox for me. They’d visited me several times while I was in the hospital. Esther showed me pictures and videos of Sox. They prayed for me, and Esther held my hand and told me again how much I mattered to the world.

I stood in the lobby I’d stood in so many times before. The back door slammed and sent what felt like flames through my chest. Still jumpy. Scared. “It will take a long time for you to calm down,” Rie had said. The trauma. It’s the trauma. That’s how everyone had come to define the last few weeks of my life: Traumatic.

The elevator bounced and squeaked and spit its doors open. I remembered the gift bag on the door with the blanket and the note. The love of total strangers who had told me that I mattered. Their gesture had given me wings. It had made me step up, save Sox, and then save myself.

I thought I heard a thud inside the suite but figured it was just a trauma response. I told myself that I was safe, that it was just a reaction from residual anxiety. The door creaked when I pushed it open. Fast-food bags littered the floor. Beer bottles, napkins, cigarette butts, and empty Tim Horton cups were scattered throughout the entire living space. The bed frame, barbeque, and TV that Blue had brought home were gone. My mattress lay on the floor, covered with stains that looked like coffee, or maybe blood. The Nelson can was in the centre of the room. I kicked my way through the garbage and bent over to pick it up.

I saw the barrel of the shotgun first.

And then Blue’s feet.

I stood up and looked at him. His two front teeth were gone. Beads of sweat glowed on the bridge of his nose, his skin was sallow, and his posture was crooked, like a crippled old man who’d lived a life of shame.

“Get the fuck in the bathroom!” He pointed to the door with the shotgun.

“I’m not doing this anymore, Blue. Please just let me go.” I could hardly hear him over my pounding heart. The irony. I’d escaped and finally found my way out. And in an instant, Blue would take me out, and none of it would matter.

“Let you go, Chanie! What the fuck. Look what you’ve done to my life!”

“I won’t testify. Just let me leave.”

“No, Chanie. You don’t get to just leave! You got all these people tendin’ to your pain. What do I got?” he stuttered, his face wet with tears.

“You have a future too, Blue.”

“In jail!”

“I just said I won’t testify.”

“You just don’t get it, Jade — Chanie!”

“I don’t get what?”

“I loved you. You were my girl. And look what you’ve gone and done.”

“What I’ve done —”

“Yeah, what you’ve done! And that fuckin’ Indian still owes me for your ass.”

“Blue! Please put the gun down. We can talk.”

“You ruined me, Chanie. Look what you’ve done.”

“What have I done, Blue?”

“You’ve made it so I have to kill us both now.”

I’d seen this guy on TV once who’d survived a plane crash. The plane crashed right into the side of a mountain and fell to the ground. “The fire was the issue,” he’d said. “My lap was on fire, and I had to get the seatbelt off. So, it’s like I just did what I had to do. Something took over and kept me calm. I got the belt off and walked away from the flames.”

Some Thing …

The interviewer had said, “I could never do that!”

The survivor had replied, “You’d be surprised what you can do when you don’t got any other choice.”

“Fuck you, Blue.”

“Fuck me?” He pointed the barrel at me.

Something took over and kept me calm.

I shoved the barrel away from my face and yelled, “Yeah! Fuck you, Blue! Kill yourself and leave me out of it.”

Blue crumpled forward, awkwardly holding the shotgun in one hand. “How can you say that to me?”

“How can I not? You beat me! You raped me! You sold me to other men! AND YOU RAPED MY FRIEND!”

Brenda kicked the door open. “What the fuck is goin’ on here?”

I spun around. “Why are you here?”

“Why is you here, ya stupid bitch?” She slammed the door closed and strode toward me.

“Get the fuck away from me, Brenda!” I shoved her away as hard as I could.

“Blue! Are you gonna let ’er get away with that?”

I turned to look at Blue. He’d flopped down on the mattress, the barrel of the gun facing toward him, his body contorted and twisted, eyes bulging, mouth wide open, and toes splayed reaching toward the trigger. And then the loudest blast I’d ever heard.

Brenda fell to her knees, screaming, but I couldn’t hear her. I couldn’t hear anything. I only looked at Blue long enough to make sure he was dead. Not long enough to imprint the image of his crumpled body, the blood, and his brains blown everywhere. I needed to leave. As I turned my head, the glint of a silver crucifix flashed up from the floor. I scooped it up and slammed the door behind me.