Chapter Six

I tasted my death.

It tasted bitter, like a young life lost to a murder should.

I saw my body on the ground next to a trash bin. I wore white go-go boots, blue lips, and a blackened neck.

The yellow tarp coming down on me.

I’m dead. But I’m sweaty. The dead don’t sweat.

I jerked awake, my body charged as though wrapped in electric fence. Fear paralyzed me. I didn’t want to move because moving would make Perry’s death real. My impending murder — real. Bunny Hollywood, Nikki-Lynn. There were other dead girls too. Some jobs got downsized. Hookers got murdered.

My bladder throbbed. I curled onto my side and pulled my knees up. Blue hogged the duvet, so I wrapped the top sheet around me. So much sweat, my body purging the virus I called my life. Rape, attempted suicide, Amal and Amal, and Perry.

Perry …

I bit my lower lip and muffled a sob. My teeth chattered, and nausea forced me to sit up. Second day of school and I was dry heaving and dizzy. But it was school or the streets. I would go to school; Perry would get an autopsy.

Something was wrong. I felt infected. The hot-cold, dizzy, bladder-burning type of ill that made my ankles weak and my vision blur.

“Blue.” I rubbed his shoulder, trying to keep calm before my panic attack spun out of control. “Blue, please wake up.”

Blue wrenched his shoulder away and buried his face in the pillow. The silent fuck you, a game my mom used to play to torment me. I’d almost rather he’d slapped me. He’d left me alone the night before and said he’d only be a minute when he took my Tanji money to Brenda. A minute had turned into two hours, and he’d returned drunk, bitchy, and distracted. We didn’t talk about Perry. He just ignored me and jumped into bed. He was snoring before I’d even turned out the light.

When I was twelve, my mother ignored me for three whole weeks. She said she didn’t want to waste her breath on such a stupid child. I stopped eating and started shaking all the time. I spent my nights pacing in my bedroom trying to come up with ways to make her want me again. It would have been easier if she’d just dug my heart out with an ice pick. I began to think I had died and was a ghost trapped in between worlds, and she couldn’t see me. But my dad had talked to me, and so had my teachers, so I thought maybe my mom was right when she told me I was dead to her.

By the end of the third week, I still couldn’t adjust to being invisible. I skipped school to buy my mom flowers and a card. If she knew I still loved her, maybe she would resurrect me and stop treating me like a ghost. I brought the flowers home and stood in the kitchen doorway extending the bouquet in front of me. She walked right up to me and paused, like she was going to say something. My heart swelled with hope. Then she backhanded the bouquet out of my hands.

I swear that the spirit of my dad’s heart leaped through the air to try and save the flowers. But it spattered on the floor along with the daisies and the roses, as sad as the flowers splayed all over the hardwood. His face reddened, and he slammed his fists down on the table. I ran out the front door. They scared me when they fought. And they fought a lot. Later that day, when I’d snuck back into the house, the remnants of the flowers poked out of a beer glass on the table. They looked timid and embarrassed, like they’d been shamed and were yearning to go back into the earth.

I needed Blue’s attention. The room started spinning, and my stomach flipped. Sweat beaded on my brow and the back of my neck. I tried to breathe away the dizziness. How would I get through a year of school when I’d crippled myself with a bladder infection and no sleep on only the second day? I couldn’t lift my head, my bladder burned like an inferno, and I needed medication.

“Blue! There’s something wrong,” I whimpered.

Blue groaned and rolled over, the stench of his hangover making me queasy. “What’s the problem, Chanie?”

“I can’t miss school, and I’m really sick.”

“Stay calm, Chanie. I’ll drive you. Just get there so they don’t put you in jail, and then if you have to faint or whatever, do it there. Just show up.”

I peeled myself off the sheets and sat on the edge of the bed. Blue sat up and took my hands. He helped me stand, held me against him, and then walked me to the bathroom.

The bathroom was like a torture chamber. I sat down to pee, squeezed my eyes shut, and clenched my fists. I let the first stream of urine flow and pursed my lips tight to stifle a sob. It burned as though steel wool dipped in acid was dragging through my insides. When the flow stopped, it felt like an evil creature was dangling from my bladder and was trying to rip it right out of my body. The toilet water looked like cranberry juice. Sweat dripped down my face, and I panted a few times to ease the pain. I wrapped my hands around my shoulders and began to shiver.

“What’s going on in there, Chanie?”

I started crying. Blue came in and helped me gather myself. Pride escaped me. It seemed that no matter how many men had beaten, raped, or violated me, my need to be rescued allowed a small space of vulnerability to exist. I let him take my hands, take control, and followed his lead.

When we got to school, Blue leaned over and opened the truck door for me. “Just take a deep breath and get in the door. Then sit or lie down, whatever you need to do.”

“Thanks, Blue.”

I aimed for the doors as though navigating through a narrow tunnel. My legs weakened, so I grabbed the handrail to help get me up the stairs. I teetered on my feet and put my back against the wall. It felt like a plague had overtaken me and poisoned my blood. I slid down the wall and pulled my knees against my chest. My bladder pulsated in rhythm to my heartbeat. Every time I tried to stand up, my dizziness forced me to slither back down. I would simply die if I peed myself in front of the entire school.

“Ya can’t come to school high, whore!” a pock-faced kid barked as he ran toward me pretending to line me up for a kick.

“Shut the hell up! Can’t you see she’s sick?” A girl with bright orange hair kneeled in front of me, her backpack falling to the side. “My name’s Ginger. Are you okay?”

“I’m not okay. Please get Rie for me.”

I woke up in a Medicentre with my feet in stirrups. A plump nurse was gripping my hand tightly. She gave me a sympathetic smile, as though trying to tell me it wasn’t her idea to let the doctor perform a pelvic exam while I was out cold. The white-haired doctor slid his stool out from under him as he stood. “You have a severe bladder infection. It wouldn’t surprise me if this has spread to your kidneys. We’ll need to put you on an IV drip to start the antibiotics. I also tested you for sexually transmitted diseases.” He rolled his eyes at the nurse, turned his back, and slammed the door on his way out.

A few hours later, Blue showed up with Brenda to take me home.

“Ya better rest, ya little slut. God knows what ya were up to last night to make ya so sick! Ya don’t have the luxury of havin’ womanly problems, if ya know what I mean,” Brenda said, shaking her finger in my face. “My back’s been buggin’ me more than usual. Might be time to cash in on all the favours you owe me, so ya better take care of that precious ass of yers.”

“I can’t really worry about that right now, Brenda!” I rolled my eyes and pressed my forehead against the passenger window of the truck.

“Whatta ya mean, Chanie! You’s gonna have to do what a strong woman would do. Man up and do right by me. You’d be nothin’ without me. I gave ya the apartment ya live in and taught ya how to be a strong woman. Not some whiney bookworm lookin’ to join the herds of sheep wastin’ away in office jobs every day makin’ barely enough to pay the rent. Havin’ to ask for a piss break, clockin’ in on someone else’s schedule. Ya gotta fight for freedom, girl!”

“Just like you’re so free now,” I said. “Relying on a hooker and a vacuum cleaner to pay your rent.”

“Well, I tell ya one thing! I’d never waste my life on books ’n shit when I made the wages of a CEO when I was out there workin’. Yer the one who said, ‘I wanna be strong and free. Wanna be my own woman.’ You said those things, and I made them happen for ya!”

“Oh my God, Blue!” I pleaded, hoping he’d shut her up.

“Yeah, Brenda, ease the fuck up. Chanie’s sick,” Blue said.

“Blue, the world ain’t easy, and this little princess better remember that nothin’ is free.”

“Brenda, shut the fuck up or your long walk home won’t be easy,” Blue said as he reached over Brenda and squeezed my hand.

I squeezed his hand back and pretended to pass out.

Rie left me a voice message to give me permission to stay home for the rest of the week. In the meantime, she arranged for Pastor Josh to drop off my schoolbooks so I could get a head start on things. I must have told her about Perry when she’d driven me to the Medicentre because she said to let her or Pastor Josh know if I needed someone to talk to about the “loss of my friend.” Nice euphemism for some psycho strangled her. I couldn’t be around anyone except Blue. When Pastor Josh arrived with my books, I sent Blue down to the lobby. I couldn’t stomach P.J.’s gleaming teeth and fizzy prayers.

Blue plopped my books down next to the bed. “Holy fuck! That guy’s way too happy.”

“Yeah. He’s a ray of sunshine.”

“Oh yeah! He told me to tell you that he personally blessed these books for you.”

“Lucky me.”

“Yeah. Stupid Bible thumper.”

“Hey, Blue.” I chewed my fingernail. “I’m scared to go back to work. I think I could end up dead, like Perry and Bunny Hollywood.”

“You probably will if you keep hooking.” Blue looked out the window and smirked. “I used to visit this one girl a few years back. Workin’ girl like you. Big titties, nice ass. Anyways, she ended up in the ravine chopped up and stuffed in a suitcase. Real shame. She gave a good blow job and didn’t rip me off like a lot of the other bitches.”

“Oh my God, Blue!”

“What? Do you think you have someone watching over you? There ain’t no God for the whores on this planet.”

“What am I going to do?” I started crying. “I’m supposed to clean up my life, but I can’t live on welfare pay. Now I can’t even pee properly or get out of bed.”

“Calm down. You’re just messed up from all the drugs they gave you. You’ll get back in your high heels again.” Blue laughed and smacked me on the shoulder. “Cheer up. I’m going out to get us some food. We can talk when I get back.”

I didn’t respond. Maybe my bitchy silence would teach Blue a lesson for not taking me seriously. Nobody ever listened to me. I think my dad had wanted to, but his endless battles with my mother had left him worn out and tired. He didn’t even leave a suicide note. The only thing he left was a bloody corpse in a Cromdale Hotel bathtub and a shotgun that the police confiscated. I think in his heart he wanted me to be great, but he just didn’t know how to make that happen because nobody in his life had ever wanted him to be anything but gone. I’m still pissed at him for leaving the Earth. If he hadn’t left me, Clayton wouldn’t have raped me.

I couldn’t sleep, despite the medication. The coloured bindings of my schoolbooks lit up like street signs as the sun beamed in through the windows. My eyes were drawn to the titles: McGraw-Hill Education: Preparation for the GED Test; Life Skills for Adult Children; An Adult Child’s Guide to What’s Normal; Basic Meals and Home Skills; and yet another book with pink lotuses floating on a murky grey background, The Lotus Still Blooms: Sacred Buddhist Teachings for the Western Mind.

I got up and brought the books to bed with me. At the bottom of the pile, there was a binder with a sheet of paper slipped into the clear casing on the front. At the top of the page, the words Begin Again Program Manual popped out in big fat lime-green letters. A black silhouette of a lotus flower was centred on the page. I opened the binder to the first page.

Welcome to Begin Again. If you commit to this program, the sky’s the limit! This is an opportunity to build a healthy and productive life with the support of your teachers and peers. Your program includes the following components:

In addition to the core program, we offer the following to qualified candidates:

*ALL STUDENTS are required to participate in the daily prayer/meditation sessions and are required to keep a personal journal.

I arranged the mass of pillows behind me, propped myself up, and began to leaf through the binder. I liked some of the content, like learning how to cook and plan meals. I loved food but didn’t care much for prayer and meditation. Money management intrigued me because no matter how much cash I brought home, I never had any when I needed it.

Blue didn’t come back until after dark. It seemed like a long time to pick up takeout. By the time he came in, I’d read the entire binder and had skimmed the contents of the GED guide.

“What are you reading?” Blue asked, his words slightly slurred.

“Just some school stuff.”

“Learn anything?”

“That what I think is normal is not and that I have to be reprogrammed.”

“We’re normal, Chanie. It’s the rest of the world that isn’t.”

“Where’s the food?” My stomach growled.

“Oh yeah! The food. I got sidetracked. Had to go to a jobsite to help someone out.”

“No worries. Let’s order pizza.”

“Sure. But I want to talk to you about something first.”

My stomach turned, and I felt hot. He’s leaving me. I took a deep breath. “What is it, Blue?”

“You know how you’re scared to go back to work?”

“Mmm,” I mumbled.

“And now you got school and stuff.”

“Yeah, but I can manage —”

“Anyways, I got an idea that might help you out.”

“What kind of idea?”

Blue leaned toward me and raised his eyebrows. “I was thinkin’ I should move in here with you. Help you out with the bills.”

I sat very still, unsure I’d heard him right. We didn’t know each other very well, but nobody had ever showed up for me like he had: after the rape, at the police station, making sure I got to school. Maybe this was what all the girls meant when they made comments like, “When you’re not lookin’, that’s when you’ll meet the one.” Maybe Blue was the one who could save me from an inevitable death on the streets. We’d be partners, and I’d do well at school. I’d be able to find another way to live my life before it was too late.

“Where do you live now?”

“With my mother. Just helpin’ the old bird out, with her being sick and all.” Blue smiled and pulled me against him, his hands rubbing my back. I melted into him, like I could feel him inside me again, his lips on my neck, his hands on my body.

“And with all the money I’ll be savin’ on blow jobs, we can get takeout more often.” Blue laughed and jerked away from our embrace. “Let’s get some food, girl!”

Two days later, I stood in the lobby holding the door for Blue as he brought in a bunch of boxes. He didn’t waste any time moving in. He said, “Let’s get ’er done while you’re on a week off so I’m all settled in when you go back to school next week.”

“What the hell do ya think yer doin’?” Brenda’s voice echoed through the lobby.

“Blue’s moving in with me.” I felt triumphant, like I’d won a prize that she couldn’t take away. Blue came in with another load of boxes.

“Ya know, ya can’t just move on in, Blue. Ya’s gotta be approved and added to the lease.”

“Fuck off, Brenda,” Blue said as he walked out to get another load.

“Ya know what, Chanie! Ya can’t just do whatever the hell ya like. There’s rules ya gotta follow!”

Blue came back and dropped more boxes next to the elevator door. “Stop bustin’ my balls, Brenda! I only got one day off, so I need to get this shit done.”

“Do ya got an elevator key, Blue? Oh yeah, I suppose ya do because ya work here a lot. But ya didn’t get Old Merv’s permission, did ya?”

“Are we really gonna do this?” Blue raised his hands.

“The two of ya is so dumb! I’m just fuckin’ with ya. Good news! Old Merv has gone to be with his family. He got too sick, so I’m takin’ over! Say hello to yer new landlord.”

“Yeah, Merv must have been pretty sick if he hired you,” Blue said.

“Tell ya what, Jade,” Brenda said. “I’ll do ya a solid and add old Blue here to the lease. I’ll make some shit up and say I talked to his references, blah, blah, blah.”

“Thanks, Brenda,” I said.

“No problem. But now ya’s owe me even more. Remember that!”

“Yeah, Brenda. We get it.” Blue said, pushing the up button on the elevator.

Maybe Blue’s presence would neutralize Brenda and she’d stop showing up at my door demanding favours and “borrowing” food, clothes, and alcohol. I planned on asking her to give me back my spare set of keys. I’d tell her that Blue needed them. I’d get him to ask because I knew that if I did, she’d freak out and make a big deal out of it. After all she’s done for me …

Blue’s mom showed up as he was unloading the last of his boxes. She looked like the stereotypical mom: grey hair, plump middle, a flowered blouse, and black slacks. But up close, the lines around her eyes hinted at a once-upon-a-time young beauty who’d danced at every party and wore thigh-high boots for almost any occasion.

“Hey, Clarence!” Blue yelled to his mom.

“Is your name Clarence?” I asked.

“Oh no, honey. It’s Donna. Blue, come on over here and tell the story of my nickname.”

Blue walked up and balanced a box on one knee. “One night, my mom had a big house party, and some guy kept calling and asking for Clarence. The idiot who answered the phone called my mom and told her it was for her. She talked to the guy for like an hour. Her friends have called her Clarence ever since. I call her Donna or Clarence. I don’t call her Mom.”

“Fun!” I said, amused by their weird bond.

“Here’s some sandwiches and ambrosia salad,” Donna said as she handed me a bright yellow Superstore bag. “The salad tastes like Creamsicles and coconuts.”

“Oh wow!” I said, opening the top of the bag. “Nobody ever brings me home-cooked food!”

Donna smiled and squeezed my arm. “Oh, honey, it’s the least I can do for the girl who tamed my wild Blue.”

“Stay and eat with us,” I said, hoping she’d join us and keep Brenda away.

“Sorry, hon. But I gotta get going.” She pulled me close and hugged me really tight, as though she was already saying goodbye forever. “I’m so glad Blue finally has a little friend.”

When she let go, I squeezed her hands and said, “He’s very sweet.”

She frowned and said, “Oh no! He’s a nasty thing, but I’m glad you see something good in him.”

Blue’s quirky nature brought light into my dark little bachelor suite. He made me laugh and feel like I mattered. I felt like he was saving me from ending up dead on the street like Perry. Because of his help, I’d be able to focus on school and not have to worry about hooking anymore. Together, we’d find another way.

Blue reached into his pocket. “Here’s five bucks. Would you mind running to the Mac’s to get us a couple of root beer slushes?”

“Yum! Of course.”

I walked to the door and slid into my sandals.

“Hey, Chanie. Look what I got.” Blue pulled his hand out from behind his back and waved a forty-ounce bottle of Captain Morgan. “Happy housewarming!”

On my way out, the elevator clunked to a stop on the sixth floor. It always bounced around a bit before coming to a complete halt. It reminded me of Bunny Hollywood’s huge boobs. She used to jump up and down and shake her breasts on slow nights when competition was hot. She named them the bitches. If the bitches had been human, they would have been showgirls. They were guerilla marketers and bounced and jiggled no matter what the rest of Bunny’s body was doing. Sometimes, she would pull her shoulder blades way back to make them blow up like giant birthday balloons.

“Well, looky here!” Brenda sauntered into the elevator. “Where ya off to, Chanie?”

“Slushes for me and Blue.”

“Pick one up fer me.”

“Sorry, Brenda. Blue and I are having kind of a private night.”

“Oh no you ain’t, honey. I’m comin’ to see ya both and have a little talk about the house rulses.”

“That’s really not necessary. Now that Blue’s living with me, I think we should just have planned visits. No more surprises, please.”

“Fuck you. The only reason he’s there is cuz his momma kicked his ass out. Sick of his dealers comin’ around.”

Brenda’s chest puffed out as mine deflated. “Oh, come on, girl. You didn’t think you were special, now did ya?”

I closed my eyes until the elevator door opened.

“See ya later, sunshine. Make sure to get Brenda a nice big slush and put some of that soft ice cream in it.”