I willed himself to break the kiss. I damn sure didn't want to but I didn't want to rush Dana no matter how much I wanted her right now. It was hard as hell too. Can you imagine not being touched by a woman in almost two years? For some reason this shit felt even worse to me because for some crazy fuckin' reason I wanted to be touched in the worst way by this woman. Dana. My wife. I don't know how this shit happened so quick,but my “ marriage” wasn't turning out to be quite how I thought it would be.
Crazy as the whole idea was, I thought I would just get a down female on my side. I wanted someone to handle certain things for me I needed done while I was still in and I didn't want it to be my sister. I for damn sure wasn't letting my mama handle my business. My mama hadn't handled her own since I was 15. When this shit came up with Dana's tuition, I figured why not? She'd owe me,feel obligated and we'd take the shit from there. The fucked up thing was, I hadn't even asked her to do the shit I thought I wanted her for! All that mattered to me was that she was stress free and finishing up her school. I wanted that for her because for the last six months, a huge part of our conversations centered around her career. I can't even lie, I admired that shit. Dana had a passion for something and she was determined to follow her dreams. Not many people could say that. Most of us just got stuck in situations and had to deal with the hand we were dealt. Like me.
Now here I am done fucked up for real and caught feelings for her ass. Dana got me over here standing in the muthafuckin' phone lines to talk to her ass sometimes twice a day. Making late night phone calls occasionally on my secret cell which I really didn't too much like using unless I had too. Making sure my man hooked me up extra tight in the barber shop every Saturday before she comes to visit- Shit a nigga gotta do all he can to shine in this orange jumpsuit. I'm writing letters every week.
I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore. I don't do shit like this for women. Any woman.
Basically I'm doing all the shit with Dana, I didn't want to do with my ex Camyrn and I knew damn well she would have rode out this little bit of time with me. I wasn't into Camyrn like that though. So I didn't want to put in that little bit of effort for Camyrn even though a nigga ain't got nothing but time up in this muthafucka. Now look at my ass? Done caught feeling for a broad I barely know.
“ That was worth waiting for. I'm glad it was private and between us. I ain't gon' even lie Dana. I was feeling some type a way when you hit me with the bullshit kiss on the cheek on our wedding day,but now I understand it. That wasn't our real wedding day anyway.”I said with a smile on my face. Dana and I had agreed that once I was released, if we made it another solid year married,we'd do our shit up the right way. Something in me was determined to see her walking down the aisle towards me in a white wedding gown designed by her. It was gonna happen. I was positive.
“ Me too. It seems like I've been waiting for this forever and when I blink my eyes this visit will be over. You're going to make me want something that I can't have. I'm scared Terrence.” Dana said her voice shaking. Dana by no means wanted to put a damper on the time they did have together but she couldn't help but note that every minute that passed between them counted.
How much of her heart and soul could she squeeze into three days and two nights so that Terrence would understand just how deeply she'd fallen in love with him?
“ I know baby. Let's just make the most of the time we do have okay. Dana I promise you on my life. You'll never be in this position again. Ever. Honestly, I'd considered not having you come for one of these visits at all but I can't lie after all our talks and conversations...your letters. I couldn't wait to be around you. Even if it was just for a weekend.”
“ If you want to stay married to me Terrence you damn well better mean it. This right here...,” Dana said waving her hand and looking around the tiny trailer, “...I'm not made for it. This will be the one and only time I ever visit a man I love behind bars.” Dana couldn't stop the tears that began to smart in the corner of her eyes. She looked away hoping Terrence didn't see.
He had.
“ You love me?” I asked turning her head back towards me.
“ No. I..., I don't know what the hell this is I'm feeling but you know what I mean Terrence. If you plan on living your life doing things that land you behind bars,don't involve me in that bullshit. That's all I'm saying. I don't have that much experience with men anyways and this just makes me feel like I jumped in way over my head. I don't know what I'm doing.” Dana said looking up at me her green eyes wide with fear.
Damn. I can see it in her eyes, she's really scared to love me. I ain't gon' lie, the look in her eyes put a little fear in my heart just then. It made me realize just how innocent she was about a lot of things. I was used to chicks around the neighborhood who were pretty much up on game. Out to see what they could get from a nigga off jump. Be it shopping trips,bills paid a Happy Meal shit,anything.
All Dana wanted to do was work her way to the top. And here I was, a detour in her plans but she was trusting me not to fuck her over. I know good and well that wasn't no slip of the tongue about loving me. I can hear it in her voice every time we speak, Dana is deeply in love with me. She just may not realize it yet.
“ I understand. But let me say this Dana, ain't nothing about me and what we have going supposed to add no confusion to your life. That's not what this is about Dana...,”
“ Well what is it about? Because I still don't know...”
“ I want balance Dana. I want some peace. That's what I want you to bring to me. I want a best-friend. I want you to tell me when I'm doing wrong because let me tell you baby girl, two years ago out in them streets? I wasn't nothing nice. But I want better. I got my mom and Tamera out there yeah,but why you think I did all the shit I did out in them streets? For them Dana, since I was 15 years old. So baby believe me when I say, when I walk out them doors in a few short months,they ain't gonna have my back. They ain't gonna be the two women telling me to do right. You know why? Because if I do right, they lose out. They ain't gonna benefit from it.” I said staring deep into her eyes,.
I needed to know she felt every word I was saying because I'd been battling with those very words in my head alone for damn near two years. From the day I'd stepped into prison. I needed Dana to know that I needed someone for me. Just me. I needed someone that actually cared about me doing the right thing.
The look in her eyes told me she understood.
I pulled her closer to me and raised her arms around my neck holding her as tight as I could. Inhaling her scent. Brown sugar and vanilla. After standing there a few minutes holding each other Dana finally pulled away.
“ Okay I'm done being sad for now. Let's really get this visit started.” Dana said laughing as she walked to the table and dug through the box of goodies she's been allowed to bring.
“ Do you want to change out of that?” Dana said wrinkling her nose pointing to my prison issued outfit.
“ Hell yeah! Did you bring me something?” I said walking over.
“ Of course I did. I know you didn't think I wanted to spend all weekend looking at you in that orange jumpsuit did you? I hope what I bought fits you. I was trying to surprise you.” Dana walked to her hanging suit bag. It held some of her clothes in addition to three outfits she'd packed and brought for Terrence. There was nothing in the rule book that said she couldn't bring Terrence something to wear. Of course when she left she'd have to take it all back with her. Prisoners all had to wear the same orange jumpsuits.
Dana pulled out three plastic hangers all containing complete outfits. She then reached into her duffel bag and pulled out a pack of boxers and socks. She'd hooked him up from head to toe including silk pajama bottoms for later on. She could only imagine how rough his prison issued clothing were,not to mention how many men before him had worn it.
“ You get changed while I put away this stuff. I'm going to try and make this place as homey as I possibly can for the weekend.” Dana said smiling at him.
I looked around and laughed, “ Do your worst baby and it would make this place look better.” I said walking into the bedroom of our little weekend “ love nest” .
I'd already showered earlier but once I got a look at all the shit Dana had brought with her I was ready to go again. Good soap, lotion that didn't feel like damn water, all her hair care products even cologne. I don't know how she knew Issey Miyake was my favorite but she damn sure had a bottle of it for me. I was in heaven. Damn I never thought I was one of those type a nigga into all this metro-sexual ass shit but I am today,I thought stepping into the shower,setting all the products I wanted to use inside.
I couldn't even lie, it felt good to know that Dana had looked out for me this way as simple as it was. Every time I laid eyes on Dana she looked runway ready. At least for these few days I would feel like my old self thanks to Dana. Dante' down in the prison barber shop had lined me up yesterday so the clothes and just being in her presence just made me feel all the better. And a nigga was about to eat some decent food for a change too?
* * * *