Plans for the reunion were still going on. Steph had a notebook and was crossing off jobs done and writing jobs to do.
‘Is this something we should be doing?’ asked Melissa. ‘You know a reunion. Forcing people to see each other who, if they wanted to see each other, would have stayed in contact.’
They were eating burritos in a Mexican place that Melissa knew. They were the oldest people there by a good two decades.
‘You make a very good point,’ said Eilis. ‘Are we manufacturing fun? And isn’t fun something that cannot by its very nature be manufactured. Because then you take the fun out of the fun.’
‘You’re getting philosophical, now, Eilis,’ said Steph. ‘And I don’t think Sister Attracta and the Reunion Committee do philosophy.’ She pushed away her burrito.
‘Not eating that?’ said Melissa.
‘Not hungry,’ said Steph. ‘Just can’t eat lately.’
‘We’ll share it, so,’ said Melissa. ‘Food is the only thing keeping me going these days.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, Liam is being his usual annoying self and I just don’t think there’s a place for me at the paper. I don’t fit in. I am trying but the paper keeps moving further and further away from me, and I can’t keep up.’
‘Could you leave?’ said Steph. ‘Go somewhere you’re appreciated?’
‘I don’t know. Jobs aren’t leaves.’
‘What?’
‘They don’t grow on trees.’
‘What about freelance?’ suggested Eilis. ‘Could that work?’
‘What work from home all day?’ said Melissa. ‘Make cups of tea and not have to ever see Liam’s face every again? Sounds awful.’
‘So, what about it?’
‘I don’t think I’m brave enough,’ said Melissa. ‘I like the safety of an office, the security of my little desk and not having to make decisions about paying tax or looking for work. I don’t think I am brave enough to be out there, like starting my own business or anything.’
She thought immediately of Cormac and wondered how he and the bakery was going. It was coming up to opening day soon, he must be busy and excited. She was hating life without him. It was as though her right arm had been cut off. She missed him more than she could ever have imagined. She woke up every morning with a feeling that something was missing, that there was something wrong and it took her a few moment to realize what it was. And she had to go through that feeling that he had said those things to her, that he didn’t want her anymore. And she began each day feeling crushed.
‘I can see you running a business, Mel,’ said Eilis, ‘all in charge and your own boss. Like being a freelancer or something.’
‘Really?’ Melissa was pleased that she would have so much faith in her.
‘Yeah, you’d be brilliant. You’d be in charge of you.’
‘I’d like that,’ said Melissa, smiling. ‘I’d like that very much.’
‘Better than being trapped in a hospital,’ said Eilis. ‘But how do you change your life? Get out of the groove you’re in? Jump ship? I sometimes think that there’s no point in changing anything. You just have to stick with what you know.’
‘I like the thought of jumping ship,’ said Steph. ‘And adventures, sailing away…’
‘Into the sunset,’ said Melissa. Her and Cormac, sipping pina coladas and laughing.
‘Sounds amazing,’ echoed Eilis, thinking of Charlie, the two of them diving into the warm water. The fantasy of swimming in warm water with Rob simply didn’t have the same appeal. She had to find a way of falling back in love with Rob before she got too caught up in this silly fantasy of Charlie. But the way they had looked at her in the hospital, that intensity had been so strong that she could still feel it, it was still there, that power of connection.
Steph, meanwhile, was thinking of Rachel and how much pain she and Rick had caused her.
‘I’m going to get one of these burritos to take home,’ she said. ‘For Rachel. She could have it tomorrow for her lunch. She’d love it.’
But a burrito wasn’t going to be quite enough to make things better. She was going to have to do better than a tortilla wrap.