‘Aren’t you being rather…’ Soup spoon halfway to his mouth, Pooley paused to find the right word.
‘Weak?’
‘Well, if you want to put it like that.’
‘I don’t, dammit. But it’s what you think. The trouble with all you people who want me to do what they think I should do is that you want to operate a monopoly.’
‘I’m not sure I followed that.’
Amiss chewed crossly on a piece of asparagus and took an irritable gulp of Chablis. ‘You think I am letting Jack push me around.’
‘Aren’t you?’
‘May I remind you, Ellis, that in your time you have pushed me into being not only an unwilling English teacher in a den of corruption but also a waiter in a murderous mausoleum. At least Jack introduces me to a better class of person.’
Pooley looked crestfallen. ‘I’m sorry. You’re right. I was just worrying that it was bad for your career to be in yet another dead-end job.’
‘Yes, yes. I know all that. But it’s not for long and it isn’t half interesting. I mean, I know all these toffs are what you fled from, but they’re a new experience for me and you know I’m a sucker for new experiences. And the more I read about hunting the more I see their point. You can’t read Walter Scott and Trollope and all those marvellous Victorians without grasping something of the magic of the whole business. I simply hadn’t realized that hunting had a distinguished literature.’
‘So has bull fighting.’
‘Sure, and that’s why though nothing would get me to a bullring, I wouldn’t simply abolish bullfighting because it offended my sensibilities. You can’t just go blindly against the grain of tradition.’
He saw Pooley’s quizzical look. ‘All right, I admit it. Of course the real reason I’m committed to this is that it’s always exhilarating being in cahoots with Jack. You never know what the day might hold.’
Pooley gave a shiver. ‘I think I’d rather be on safer ground.’
‘Have you and Jim any interesting murders on your hands at the moment?’
‘No. I have to admit things are a bit dull. A few open-and-shut domestics are all I’m dealing with at present.’
‘Well, you never know. The way the activists are carrying on, you may yet be landed with a corpse. Their demos are getting nastier. Sometimes I’m quite nervous. I won’t be sorry when all this is over.’
‘So what’s going to happen now? The second reading debate’s on Tuesday, isn’t it?’
‘Yes.’
‘How will it go? Will you win?’
‘Apparently by convention government bills just don’t go to a vote on the second reading. Mind you, at first Jack thought we should bash ahead with a vote regardless. She pointed out that in war it’s important to try to win as early as possible so as to minimize your losses. But Stormerod put his foot down. Said we’d lose the waverers if we flew in the face of tradition. Besides, as he rightly said, since some of the provisions are acceptable, it would be hard to vote against. You don’t win friends by voting for torturing squirrels.’
‘So what’s your immediate objective?’
‘To win a moral victory and, inter alia, give the government notice that this one could be a nuisance. They’re full of legislative plans—including Lords reform—so they won’t be pleased at the possibility of being tied down on this one. But our side intends to fight it out in hand-to-hand combat in Committee. We won’t be able to defeat it, but we intend—if we can—to emasculate it. And then bung it back to the Commons.’
‘Sounds straightforward, but I suppose it isn’t.’
‘Too right. It’ll all involve a lot of work and aggro, especially with these mad clowns demonstrating outside day in and day out. Our worry is that it won’t be easy to whip in enough of our chaps to support us in the chamber and turn up regularly to the Committee. However, I’m reasonably optimistic. Jack’s managed to form a coherent group that’s more or less prepared to follow orders.’
‘From whom?’
‘Stormerod nominally, though Jack’s the driving force and I’m the ventriloquist, writing speeches and doing briefings. It’s just like being back in the civil service. Just more fun.’
‘And who are your puppets?’
‘Beesley and Poulteney mainly. Though I’m doing a fair bit of work with Jack, Sid Deptford, and Stormerod to make sure they don’t trip over each other in their arguments. We’re focusing on the fox-hunting issue, since that’s the one everyone’s particularly exercised about.’
‘You should be all right, shouldn’t you? Isn’t Stormerod an old master at this sort of thing? Though of course Jack’s new to it. It must be a strain for her to have to make her maiden speech on such a high-profile occasion.’
‘You speaking of Jack Troutbeck?’
‘Sorry. Wasn’t thinking.’
‘In fact, she and Stormerod have decided to throw discretion to the winds and put her in the vulnerable position towards the end where she’ll have to respond to the opponents’ arguments. Old Bertie has great faith in her. So do I, really.’
Pooley raised his glass. ‘To success. And I promise not to nag you again until it’s all over.’
***
‘I’ve written speeches for some dodos in my time, but nothing to match this. I don’t think even the dimmest politician presents a challenge of the magnitude of Tommy and Reggie.’
The baroness laughed. ‘Are you seriously suggesting they’re stupider than your old minister, Norman Thring?’
‘He doesn’t even rate. At least when you gave him a speech—admittedly in words of one syllable—he was able to read it out with a bit of expression. But there are moments when I’ve been seriously wondering if Tommy Beesley can read. However, I’ve taken both of them through their speeches three times and they might just do.’
‘Well, I don’t want this to go to your head, Robert, but I have to say that bearing in mind the raw material they gave you and their deficiencies as orators, it sounds as if you’ve done a notable job of damage limitation.’
‘There’s always the chance Reggie will lose his speech or Tommy will return to his plan of simply asserting stoutly over and over again that he won’t stand for it.’
‘Just make sure that doesn’t happen. Now, had Reggie heard any more about the damaged saddle?’
‘Yes. Forensic tests show definitely it was tampered with, which is borne out by Hawkins, who had polished it within a few days of the hunt. But a lot of people could have had access to it during the day. And at night, if they knew where to find the key.’
‘Which was kept?’
‘On a nail outside the back door. Not very difficult. Anyone could have had access to it. It required no special skill.’
‘So is the money on the loony end of the animal activists?’
‘Jennifer said the police had given the family a considerable going-over, but that they’re now doing routine checks on any violent animal activists they’ve got on file. But they’re not hopeful of finding the culprit.’
‘How’s Reggie taking it?’
‘Very well. Snorted a lot and talked about tosses he had taken in his time and other fox-hunting witterings. What was more disturbing was the letter Tommy showed me.’
‘Don’t tell me,’ she said. ‘Threatening vengeance if he didn’t support abolition.’
‘How did you know?’
‘They seem to have gone out to everyone in the Lords, including me. I did a spot check when mine arrived. The only reason Reggie won’t have had it is because he wasn’t at home.’ She went over to her desk, took a piece of paper out of her drawer and tossed it over to Amiss. Printed in red ink on cheap paper, it was headed, ‘BEWARE’.
‘That’s a good opening,’ said Amiss. ‘They’ve obviously been reading about the necessity to grab your audience at the very first word.’
He read on.
Member of the House of Lords—You are trying to defeat a just bill which outlaws evil. Everyone who speaks against any part of the Wild Mammals Bill will be responsible for putting the lives of their families and property at risk. Wrongdoing must be punished.
THE ANIMAL AVENGERS
‘I never heard of them, but they sound quite serious. Have you told the police?’
‘I rang your pal Pooley and then faxed it to him. Presumably Scotland Yard will be doing something, but it is worrying.’
‘You mean you’re afraid someone might take a pot shot at you?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous. What’s worrying is the effect it will have on the noble lords without backbone, of whom I fear there may be a few. I’m concerned lest they find themselves on Tuesday with urgent business elsewhere, just when we need a show of strength.
‘So with Jock’s help I got Reggie to send this out to everyone this afternoon.’ She handed him a fax from the House of Lords. The letter read
Dear
I believe you may have received from a scoundrelly group calling itself THE ANIMAL AVENGERS a threatening communication. Since I have reason to believe that it was they who recently damaged my saddle and caused me to take a toss in the hunting field, I thought I should let you know that I am standing firm. I have no intention of letting terrorists move me from the path of duty to Britain and her way of life. Therefore I still intend to be speaking against the antihunting clauses of the Wild Mammals Bill on Tuesday.
I have every confidence that you are as zealous as I am when it comes to upholding free speech and that you will not allow yourself to be persuaded by wicked and un-British threats into abandoning the path of duty.
I remain,
Yours sincerely,
Poulteney
‘But I only left him at two o’clock.’
‘Yes, but Bertie nobbled him a few minutes later and between his secretary, a word processor, and three clerks brought in from a nearby agency, the whole twelve hundred will have been sent out by five o’clock, topped and tailed by Reggie. It’s exhausted him more than an all-day hunt. If you work it out, he must have written more than two thousand four hundred words, which is probably as much as he would normally write in the course of a year. Martini?’
‘Martini?’
‘Yes, martini. What’s so difficult about that concept?’
‘Nothing. It just seems a bit unexpected. I hadn’t expected you to indulge in anything as effete as cocktails.’
‘There’s nothing effete about a good martini, young Robert. Not the way I make them.’ She strolled over to the fridge, removed a bottle of gin, poured it into two glasses, added a couple of drops of vermouth and dropped in an already prepared twist of lemon rind. She presented a glass to Amiss, who examined it doubtfully.
‘You believe in sixteen parts gin to one of vermouth, I see.’
‘I’m not quite as heavy on the vermouth as that.’
He tried it timidly and after a certain amount of choking began to enjoy it. The baroness looked pleased.
‘Good. Now you’ve got some nourishment, I wouldn’t mind a chat about my own speech. I’m relying on you to stop me from getting too carried away. I am, after all, a maiden speaker and it behoves me to affect a certain modesty.’
‘Aren’t you a bit old to change the habits of a lifetime?’
‘Stop being smart and take a look at this draft.’
***
‘Have you never felt nervous about anything?’
She raised her head from her newspaper. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘Tuesday, for instance. Are you at all nervous about making this speech?’
‘No, why should I be?’ She was clearly baffled.
‘In case you make a hash of it.’
‘You mean compared to Tommy and Reggie?’
‘No, no, no. I’m talking within the bounds of possibility. I mean just do it badly.’
‘If I do it badly, I do it badly. Just have to do it better next time.’ She shook her head in bewilderment. ‘What are you going on about? Is it wrong not to worry?’
‘No, no, Jack.’ Amiss felt weary. ‘It’s not wrong. It’s just unusual.’
***
The telephone rang early on Tuesday morning. Bleary from too late a night working on last-minute additions to Stormerod’s speech, Amiss climbed miserably out of bed, picked up the receiver and croaked, ‘Hello.’
‘Are you OK?’
He was baffled at such an enquiry from the baroness. ‘Why shouldn’t I be?’
‘It’s just that I’ve had a letter bomb, and I was afraid you might have had one too.’
‘Are you all right?’ he shouted.
‘Of course. I spotted it just in time and chucked it into an armchair. It gave Plutarch a nasty shock when it went off, but she’s recovered now. The chair isn’t looking too good, but otherwise all is well. Right, you warn Bertie, Sid, Reggie, and Tommy and when I’ve tipped off the fuzz, I’ll get in touch with anyone else who occurs to me. Tell everyone we proceed regardless. Bye.’
‘Jack!’
‘What?’
‘I…I’m glad you’re all right.’
‘I’m glad you are too,’ she said gruffly and put the phone down.
***
‘I won’t put up with it.’ Beesley was shaking with rage. ‘I tell you I won’t put up with it. First threatening letters and now this. You and Sid could have been killed.’
‘Well, we weren’t. So we go on as normal. We’re all here to make sure our speeches complement each other and that we know what we’re going to do. I trust no one’s got cold feet.’
Beesley, Deptford, and Poulteney snorted with indignation at the suggestion. Stormerod merely smiled and Amiss raised his eyes to heaven.
‘What I don’t understand,’ said Poulteney, ‘is why you two were the only ones to be sent bombs.’
‘I expect because apart from Robert—who doesn’t count—we’re the only ones likely to have been at home this morning. The senders would appear to have been considerate enough to wish to avoid unnecessarily injuring noncombatants.’
‘They weren’t so considerate with all those bombs a few weeks ago. Remember one took the hand off an MP’s secretary.’
‘Maybe they learned from that,’ said the baroness. ‘Anyway, speculation’s a waste of time and we haven’t any time to waste. Let’s get on with it. Robert, take us through the running order of the arguments again. Then we can have a decent lunch.’