The morning of Nick’s last day in New York dawned with a fresh crust of overnight snow and an angry chill to the air that slapped against Teddy’s skin as he helped Nick load the few things he was taking in the truck. The movers would get the rest, not that there was much, Nick hardly being a pack rat. Teddy resisted the urge to get one final look at the nondescript little apartment where they’d come together one last time. They’d dozed a few hours in the recliner last night before stumbling to Nick’s bed, wrapping up in each other for another slow, sleepy make-out session before sleep won out again.
Nick’s plan was to help with the handing out of presents and food baskets at the resource center in Mineral Spirits and then to leave, get several hours of driving in, then finish the drive to his sister in Charlotte tomorrow. It was a good plan, one that would let him get most of the driving done during low-traffic times, but Teddy still hated it, wanted one more night back at his house. One more time sleeping together. One more lovemaking.
Because that’s really what it was, even if Nick would never admit it. It wasn’t just fucking, especially last night, when it felt like their breath had come from the same lungs, when the fire that raged between them made the yule log look laughable. That had been connection, real and true, and it was fucking killing Teddy to know that in a few hours he’d watch it drive away.
Ordinarily, he’d be plenty distracted by the bustle of the resource center—volunteers putting together the holiday-dinner food baskets, others organizing the giving tree toys, and a steady stream of patrons picking up what they needed. But today, his focus kept drifting to Nick, who had put himself to work doing heavy lifting—loading presents into cars, carrying food boxes, and moving tables. He was good at making himself indispensable.
Right then, Nick was helping load up the emergency services workers who had volunteered to take donations to the housebound. He was so damn at home talking shop with the first responders that Teddy’s chest just hurt. He watched through the center’s front window as Nick and Officer Beckett wrestled a child’s bike with a big red bow into the back of a police SUV. The two were deep in conversation and stood talking, low temperatures be damned, long after the bike was stowed in the vehicle.
Maybe…
God, he wished he could temper the stupid, pointless hope that kept clawing at his chest every time he looked at Nick. They cared about each other. They hadn’t had some big, blow-up fight. Hell, Nick even said he wanted to see Teddy again. Surely there was some way where Teddy might get what he wanted out of this. Might get Nick.
Later, when Nick was back inside, warming up with a cup of black coffee, the crowd started to dwindle. Teddy made his way back over to the front window where Nick was standing, looking out over Main Street.
What did he see? Had his month of Santa duty changed him? Did he see the town Teddy loved so much? Did he see the people, the stories Teddy had shared with him? Or did he just see the snow? Another dying small town in an unforgiving climate?
Teddy touched his arm. “Was it so bad? Being roped into playing Santa, I mean.”
Nick’s smile was slow and rather thoughtful. “No. Not bad at all.”
“So no regrets?” Teddy pushed, just because that ticking clock in his brain put him on edge.
Turning the half-empty coffee cup around in his hands, Nick was quiet a long moment before he shook his head. “Not sure I’d change a thing.”
“Good.” They weren’t alone enough for Teddy to pull him in for a kiss like he wanted, so he tried to tell him with his eyes how much he’d needed to hear that.
“Nick…” The question that had been plaguing him all day, all week really, bubbled up in his throat but he swallowed it back yet again.
“Yeah?” Nick turned more fully toward him, expression wary.
“You seem to get along well with Beckett,” he said instead.
“Great guy. Salt of the earth.” Nick’s wary expression didn’t waver.
Just do it. Ask. That way you won’t drive yourself crazy for years to come wondering what if. His lecture worked, but his voice still came out rather uncertain. “If…if I asked, would you put in for that police opening?”
“Teddy.” Nick’s eyes squished shut as he winced. “Don’t. Please. Don’t. You know I can’t. Don’t let me hurt you like that.”
“So just…what? Let you go, say have a nice life?” Bitterness seeped into his words.
“You could say, ‘see you in the spring.’” Nick’s voice was low and gentle. “Or tell me you’ll text, tell me how the MacNally Christmas goes. This doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I want to walk away as friends.”
“But you’re still walking.” Teddy sighed because he’d known what Nick’s answer would be, and still had to ask.
“I have to.” Nick sounded more pragmatic than broken up, which pissed Teddy off no small account. “Military’s done with me. Got people waiting on me.”
“Nick. You’re not being put out to pasture. I’m tired of hearing you talk like your value is all used up.”
Nick shrugged, face impassive. “You’re young. It’s easy for you to say that. And that’s another reason why you don’t want to ask me that question. I know you don’t see it, but the age gap—”
“Is bunk.” Teddy went right ahead and rolled his eyes. “And an excuse. You’re not that old. And most of the time, when you’re not being obtuse, I like that you’re older. Solid. Dependable. Steady. All good things. And if you’d let yourself see it, I think I’m good for you too, could be what you need.”
“Teddy…” Nick’s sigh could cut steel. “I’m not the kind of guy who needs people. I’ve learned the hard way that I’m better off alone, and that’s just the truth of it.”
“Well, maybe you need to learn something new. Because that’s stupid. People need people. It’s what makes us human—connection.”
“I’m not opposed to connection.” Nick’s voice was low and pained. “As you well know.”
“I don’t just mean sex.”
“Neither do I. I mean it about wanting to be friends. I’m not going to push you though—you think about texting me, about coming for a visit, see what feels right for you. But the rest… I can’t be what you want for your future.”
But you are. Swallowing back the words, Teddy shook his head. He was done lobbing his heart at Nick, done putting himself out there. It was painfully clear what Nick wanted and Teddy wasn’t it. And despite it all, despite the urge to lash out, hurl angry words and things that couldn’t be unsaid, he did want to part friends. Didn’t want Nick driving off angry. Didn’t want that on his conscience. So he bit his lip and gestured at the window.
“Guess you probably want to get a move on, get as far as you can tonight.”
“Teddy—”
“You’re right. We don’t need some big emotional talk. I want to be friends. I am your friend. And as your friend, I want you to drive safe. Text me when you stop for the night.”
“I will.” Nick’s face was as inscrutable as ever. Then he did the most unexpected thing and pulled Teddy to him in a tight hug. “And you take care too.”
He wanted to believe Nick wasn’t some frozen snowman—that he had real feelings for Teddy, even if he didn’t want to admit it. So he drank in the moment, Nick’s big arms around him, Nick burying his head in Teddy’s hair as if he wanted to memorize Teddy’s scent, Nick breathing hard. And then right when Teddy was going to stretch up for a kiss, he released Teddy, stepping back.
“I’m going to go now.”
Knew you would. “Yeah.”
“Would it help if I said—”
“No.” Whatever platitudes Nick wanted to offer, Teddy didn’t want to hear, wasn’t in the right head space for. “Just go. And drive safe. Watch for snow.”
“I will.” And then Nick was walking out the resource center’s doors, taking all Teddy’s hopes with him. He’d known from when he woke up that this moment was coming, that this was how the day would end, but that didn’t make it hurt any less as he watched Nick start up his truck, pull out onto Main Street, carrying Teddy’s heart with him. He wanted to curse, blame himself for the terrible idea of starting this with Nick, but he found he couldn’t—even knowing how this ended, he couldn’t give up his memories of the past month, even if they were cold comfort in the wake of Nick’s exit. Now, it was up to him to figure out how to move forward, do the tasks that needed doing, all with a gaping hole in his chest.