A bitter chill greeted them as they exited the rec center at Fort End. Teddy grabbed Nick’s hand, more for warmth and a bulwark against the sharp wind than any romantic inclination.
“Glad you’re not planning to drive in this,” Nick said, squeezing Teddy’s hand in a way that made Teddy’s stomach flutter. “I don’t like this wind.”
“Probably just means snow is on the way.” Teddy recognized the almost coppery tang to the air, the starless sky.
“More?” Nick groaned. “Hope it doesn’t delay my leaving.”
I do. Teddy only managed to not say the words by chomping down on his tongue. “If it does, you’d be welcome at the MacNally Christmas Eve and Christmas Day festivities.”
“I know.” Nick gave him a tender look that Teddy couldn’t quite decipher. “Wouldn’t be terrible. But I want to keep to my schedule.”
“Of course.” Teddy supposed he’d have to take “not terrible” as a compliment. And God forbid Nick change his schedule for him. For them.
Nick shifted the heavy plaque he’d received under his arm. It was a slab of nice hardwood with a commendation letter recognizing his years of service on one side, and on the other were two pictures of Nick in uniform, one recent, him in a shining dress uniform loaded down with medals and awards. The other photo was of a painfully young recruit with a buzz cut. The hair might be similar, but the young face felt like that of a stranger. Some too-serious young man without a smile with big broad shoulders—even then Nick hadn’t been tiny.
What had that eighteen-year-old wanted? What had he hoped for? He’d known about don’t ask, don’t tell and enlisted anyway. Had he fulfilled those young dreams? Teddy’s chest hurt from the weight of all his questions. He wanted to hug the guy in the photo, tell him that life would give him a reason to smile, wanted to protect him from the coming pain too—from losing friends in the line of duty, from the breakup with Micah, from his family turmoil. But if he hadn’t been through all that, would he still be the guy Teddy knew and liked?
“What are you thinking, so serious?” Nick asked as they neared his apartment building.
“Just wondering if it was worth it, all the sacrifices you made to serve? Did you get what you wanted out of enlisting?”
Nick shrugged, streetlights bouncing off his impassive face. “I don’t think of it as sacrifice, really. And I got back far more than I gave. Army was my…well, family sounds a little silly, but—”
“No, it fits.” The pain in Teddy’s heart intensified. The military police had been the family Nick so desperately had needed at eighteen, and now the army was taking that away from him. Oh sure, he’d always be a veteran, but he was losing that day-to-day family, and Teddy ached for him, wished he could offer Nick something to fill the void. I could be your family, he wanted to say, but his heart beat too fast at the thought of Nick’s inevitable dismissal. He had a fucking timetable after all.
“Speaking of holiday festivities—” Nick deftly changed the subject, clearly not wanting to dwell on his retirement “—you mind if I give you your present tonight? I thought about leaving it with you for Christmas Day, but…” His flush was visible under his porchlight as he unlocked the door.
God, he was so adorable flustered. Teddy didn’t have to force out his answering grin. “You’re in luck. Mine for you is in my car. I’ll grab it right now.”
He hurried over to the Subaru and retrieved the purchase he’d made just that day, finally figuring out what he wanted to give Nick. He’d let the shop wrap the package, and the bright silver-and-gold paper looked all adult and classy. And not too familiar. He’d agonized over whether to get Nick anything at all, not wanting to seem too clingy or cheesy. But not getting him anything also wasn’t Teddy’s style.
“Okay, how shall we do it?” Teddy asked as he took off his boots by the door. “You don’t exactly have a tree…”
“Oh, you need ambiance, huh?” Nick gave a low chuckle. He went to the recliner and grabbed the remote for the flat-screen—the TV, the recliner, and the bare bookshelves were the only things in the room not packed up. A neat row of boxes stood near the door, ready for the movers, who would take what Nick couldn’t fit in the truck. A few clicks and Nick brought up a yule log with instrumental track. “There you go. That work?”
“Yeah.” Teddy was oddly touched by the gesture, doubly so when Nick settled into the giant recliner and gestured Teddy over. It was romantic coming from the guy who swore he absolutely didn’t need or want romance, and Teddy wanted to bottle this night up.
Bringing his gift, Teddy snuggled in alongside Nick, more or less in his lap, but very happily so. Nowhere else he’d rather be. He hadn’t realized that he’d spoken aloud until Nick kissed his head and said, “Me too.”
“And me first.” Teddy laughed, thrusting his package at Nick.
“Fancy.” Nick admired the wrapping job, turning the box over in his hand. On the TV, a tinny version of “Silent Night” played, and Teddy tried to soak in as much of Nick and this moment as he could.
“It’s nothing much.” Suddenly uncertain, his face went hot and tight. Maybe this was a mistake…
But before he could yank it back, Nick was unwrapping it carefully, like Teddy’s mom, who always made noises about saving paper. He opened the cardboard box just as delicately, making Teddy crazy with anticipation.
“A…snow globe?” Nick withdrew the contents, holding it up to the light.
Okay. Maybe this was stupid. “It’s the covered bridge in Mineral Spirits. See the tiny sign?”
“Oh yeah, I see it now. They even added people on the pedestrian path and a deer in the woods.”
“I know it’s kind of silly, but I was thinking that next year, when it’s warm and sunny where you are, you could decorate with this, maybe remember…” He trailed off, because asking to be remembered made him feel small and desperate. But he’d wanted to give Nick some tangible reminder of this season in his life.
“Not gonna forget.” Nick’s voice was more gruff than usual as he shook the globe.
“If it’s not your style, you could give it to—”
“I’m keeping it,” Nick said firmly, making warmth spread out in Teddy’s chest. He shoved a small rectangular package wrapped in red tissue paper with a small card attached. “Here.”
Unlike Nick, Teddy had no compunctions about ripping into the package to reveal… “Your photo?”
It was the same picture Nick had kept on his otherwise pristine bookshelf, the shot of the ocean. Teddy had to bite his lip against the surge of conflicting emotions. Nick, the guy who put the S in sparse, was giving him his one pretty indulgence, the reminder he’d kept of where he wanted to be.
“Open the card,” Nick urged. “It’ll make more sense then.”
Teddy hadn’t been aware that Nick could even find the card aisle, let alone pick out this cutesy card with a peeved-looking cat sitting in a suitcase. The inside had Nick’s distinctive blocky scrawl, proclaiming Happy Holidays + Happy Birthday, but what really captivated Teddy’s attention was the gift card that fluttered out. It was for a well-known travel site in an amount that made Teddy blink a couple of times.
“What… You…” He was no longer capable of complete sentences.
“I thought you might get sick of the snow come February, or spring break time, maybe.” Nick was flushing again. “Figured maybe I’d give you a little motivation to take a trip south.”
“Oh.” Teddy had to clear his throat. “I’ve never been farther than Niagara Falls. Glee club went to NYC one year, but I had mono. Never flown—with six of us, vacations weren’t really on the agenda for my folks.”
“Maybe it’s time you tried it.” Nick’s voice was more uncertain than Teddy had heard it. “Or maybe you’re not interested…”
“I’m…not sure.” Teddy cocked his head, studying Nick intently, trying to figure him out. “What does this mean? You want to see me again?” Hope was trilling in his chest, making his throat ache and ears ring. “Do the long-distance thing?”
Nick looked away. “Not gonna ask you to do that. Distance never works out, and it wouldn’t be fair to you, you being young and all.”
I would. For you. The words hung in Teddy’s mouth, ready, but all that came out was, “Then what?”
“More like…a visit, I guess. A vacation for you, and maybe if we’re still friends…”
“I’m not going to quit being your friend,” Teddy said softly. “So like friends-with-no-strings sex if we’re both up for that come spring?”
Why his sinuses burned he simply couldn’t say, but it got worse when Nick simply shrugged. “Yeah. And if you’re not, if you’re seeing someone else or whatever, I still want you to take the trip. Let me take you out on the water, show you a good time.”
That Nick could speak so casually about Teddy seeing someone else kicked Teddy straight in the gut, killed that rising hope.
“Or if you are…” The words came out more than a little strangled.
“Nah.” Nick waved the notion away. “You’re…” He sighed heavily. “Doubt I move on that fast. Told you, I’m not the relationship type.”
How a guy so smart could be so stupid, Teddy really wasn’t sure. Nick was an amazing boyfriend, even a temporary one. He cooked for Teddy, fucked like a machine yet managed to be tender when needed, listened to Teddy’s stories and asked good questions, and fussed over him in the way that long-term partners did, worrying about the weather and his workload and such. If ever there was someone who needed a relationship, it was Nick.
And that thought made Teddy bold, made the words bubble out. “What if… What if I wanted to do the long-distance thing? Make it more than just convenient friends banging on vacation?”
Nick winced and his voice came out strained. “Like I said, that’s not fair to you. I want…” He stroked a hand down Teddy’s back, gentle and reassuring. “I want you happy, Teddy. With someone who makes you happy. Gives you the sort of future you deserve. And that’s not going to be me. There’s no sense in pretending.”
Teddy fingered the gift card, pressing the corners into his palm hard enough to hurt. “But—”
“I’m being selfish enough as it is, not just cutting it off when I leave. And it’s more a gift for me than you, I suppose, wanting one more time.”
“It’s not only you.” Teddy had to bury his head into Nick’s neck rather than continue to look at him. “I want more too.”
More time. More closeness. More Nick.
“So you’ll take it?” Nick’s voice was cautious.
Yes was the immediate, obvious answer, and Teddy’s parents had raised him to be gracious about gifts, even ones he had mixed feelings about, but somehow his reservations came out instead. “Do I have to decide right now?”
“No.” Nick’s eyes were weary and sad. Burying his hand in Teddy’s hair, he pulled him up for a soft kiss. “Take all the time you need. Consider the offer open though. And even if it’s not to see me, don’t let the card go to waste. Have some fun.”
Have some fun. That was what they were supposed to have been doing the past month. Having fun. And that was what a spring break trip should be too—fun. No-strings sex with a side of friendship and companionship. But somehow it had gone from fun to something deeper, something he refused to name, because if he did, he might not fully recover. And even if his lips refused to say the words, his heart still knew.
And damn Nick for dangling something so damn close to what Teddy wanted in front of him. For a moment, he’d been so certain…
But no.
Nick just wanted the fun he’d been promised, didn’t want anything different from what he’d said all those weeks ago. It was Teddy who had changed, Teddy whose heart already ached with the loss of what might have been. Could he be strong enough to see Nick in the spring, keep it fun?
He honestly wasn’t sure.