Nick was just gathering his things to head out for the day so he could get home and change before the Mineral Spirits Town Pageant when Commander Grace appeared at his office door.
“We need to discuss the battalion holiday party,” she said, tone way more ominous than Nick would like. “I hope you’re not planning on skipping.”
He had to think about how to answer because he was indeed planning on bowing out of the seasonal event the ombudsman for his battalion put together, mainly for the young families and such. There would be a Santa—not him, thank God—and lots of sweet treats and crafts for the kids.
“It’s just me,” he demurred. “And I don’t really know anyone here…”
“Well, plan on it.” She gave him a stern look. “They want to acknowledge your years of service and your retirement as well as the holidays. I know it’s short notice, but if you have family coming up, they’d be welcome. Or maybe a friend?”
Unbidden, an image of Teddy crept into Nick’s brain. He counted as a friend, right? Sure they were banging boots, but Nick liked their connection outside the bedroom almost as much as the sheet scorching action in it. He liked Teddy pushing him to try things—triple-layer cheesecake the other night and that silly Lego model. And he liked the little texts and phone calls too, a steady stream of communication that had him looking at his new phone far more than he would have thought possible. And right then something must have crossed his face—a smile maybe since despite going forty-six years without much use for smiles he couldn’t seem to stop them when thinking about Teddy—but whatever it was, it made Commander Grace go from stern to something softer.
“There is someone, isn’t there? Oh, please tell me it’s a MacNally. I knew Mineral Spirits would grow on you.”
“Maybe.” Nick shrugged, not really trying to be evasive, more just not wanting to talk about something he still couldn’t really define for himself. “I’m heading to the town pageant thing tonight. I might ask Teddy, but he’s awfully busy with holiday stuff for the resource center.”
“Teddy.” Commander Grace all but clapped her hands. And she didn’t seem particularly stunned by Nick’s choice in MacNally family members. “He’s always been such a favorite of mine and Wallace’s. Bring him.” She added the last part as a stern order, going from gushing to the woman who made even seasoned sergeants shake in their boots.
“I’ll ask.” Nick couldn’t promise more than that, and he hated how damn hopeful Commander Grace looked. And really, she needed to dial it back. She knew he was leaving, knew he couldn’t offer Teddy any semblance of a future. But he sure as heck wasn’t going to point out his shortcomings to his commanding officer, instead asking, “How is Wallace’s recovery going? I know people are going to ask tonight.”
“He’s doing great with a cardiac rehab program. He should be home for good in the next few days and certainly by Christmas.”
“That’s great news. I should probably get going though if I want to make the pageant…”
“Of course, of course. Off with you.” Commander Grace made a little shooing motion with her hand.
Nick made fast work back at his place of changing into the Santa costume and wolfing down some leftovers. The nondenominational pageant took place at the elementary school gym, and the school parking lot was crowded by the time he pulled into Mineral Spirits. He recognized Teddy’s Subaru in the back of the lot and pulled in next to it.
“Nick!” Teddy waved as he exited his car, and Nick was hit with momentary indecision. He kind of wanted to haul Teddy back into the cab of his truck and greet him properly—and privately—but he was already half-out of the truck and Teddy was coming around to his side, not the passenger door. It had been a few days and the urge to touch Teddy was almost overwhelming, even in his silly elf costume. For his part, Teddy seemed similarly torn, coming to stand right in front of Nick, studying him with a quizzical expression.
“Is it okay if I say I’ve missed you?” Teddy licked his lips. “And that I’m dying to kiss you, but I know PDA probably isn’t your thing…”
“It’s not. But come here.” Using the open truck door to shield them somewhat, he drew Teddy to him, gave him the fast peck he couldn’t resist. “Missed you too. More later, okay? I’ve got plans for you.”
“Oh, yes please.” Teddy’s eyes sparkled. “Maybe I’ll finally convince you that fast has its merits, and you can jump me right in front of my fireplace. Quickie to take the edge off.”
“Not likely.” Nick chuckled at Teddy’s enthusiasm. Nothing seemed to work to tamp down his desire, his need, where Teddy was concerned. “But you in front of the fire has its appeal. Just plan on being there awhile.”
“Now I’m going to have dirty visions in my head the whole pageant,” Teddy complained, waiting for Nick to lock the truck, but didn’t sound truly put out. “Come on. Let’s go in. They like Santa to sit near the front so that you can come out at the very end, remind everyone of the deadline to get their donations to the resource center by next week before all the giving tree wishes and food baskets are handed out.”
“You gonna need my help for that?” Nick’s blood hummed pleasantly as they walked across the parking lot at the idea of another excuse to see Teddy.
“Not in costume, but sure, we could use the extra hand on pickup day. People usually stop by and pick up the gifts and food baskets, but some families can’t make it out, and those we deliver. We do our best to protect families’ privacy as much as possible.”
“I’d be happy to help,” Nick said and meant it. Despite his dislike of the costume, helping the resource center seemed to speak to something deep inside, something that had been waiting for a cause like this. Or a person like Teddy. That last bit he couldn’t examine too closely for fear of what he might find.
As they approached the entrance, a bundled-up man came up to them. “Sergeant Major Nowicki—or should I say Santa—it’s a pleasure to see you here again, under better circumstances.”
Nick recognized Roger Beckett, the cop who had handled the aftermath of the attempted holdup. “Officer.” He nodded a greeting. “You got a kid in the pageant?”
“Three.” The man laughed. “Expect the little one to come up and tell you her long list of wants and must-haves, but please don’t promise the pony.”
“No ponies. Got it. How’s your department doing? Town staying quiet?” He liked talking police shop far more than kid presents, and he followed Beckett and Teddy into the gym, stopping to stamp off their boots on the thick mat.
“Town’s quiet. The perp’s behavior was something of an outlier, but of course the drug problem is bad all across the country right now. My main headache is that we just lost another officer. Took a better-paying prison guard opportunity closer to Syracuse. Means more hours for me, and the last vacancy took six months to fill.”
A muscle jangled in Nick’s jaw. He really shouldn’t care about whether Mineral Spirits could solve its cop shortage, shouldn’t have this weird, flippy-floppy sensation in his stomach like he was a new recruit on his first patrol.
“I’ll mention the opening to Commander Grace,” he said at last. “She’s really tapped into local law enforcement as we do a lot of work with the different townships near base. She might know someone interested in the opening.”
“Sounds great.” Beckett clapped him on the shoulder. “Anyone else retiring at the same time as you and sticking around? I’m an old Army Ranger. Sure would be nice to have more ex-military on the force.”
“Just me.” The strange fluttering in his gut intensified, like he should be saying something different. But, really, what could he say? He was leaving. Not sticking around. Adams and the business were counting on him. And he didn’t know anyone in the market for a law enforcement job. All he could do was hope they found someone. He had no reason to feel…what? Guilty? That would be silly.
But even knowing that, he still couldn’t bring himself to look over at Teddy to see whether he had any opinions or expectations on the matter. Which he probably didn’t. Teddy knew the score, knew Nick was leaving, and honestly, probably wouldn’t want him around long-term. He’d get tired, just as Micah had. No, Nick was better off alone, and Teddy was better with a wide-open future where he could find someone more like himself.
They found seats near the front, leaving Beckett to join a young woman with a baby in a carrier on her front. Teddy had to stop to wave at Charlie and his crew, along with assorted cousins and other relatives in the audience. The pageant was like a Rockwell painting gone comically wrong. Kids dressed as Christmas trees headed the wrong way and crashed into each other. Little voices sang jarringly off-key to secular holiday songs, with at least two kids singing completely different songs from the rest of their class. A little skit about snowshoeing and skiing had the audience cracking up, but Nick wasn’t sure he got the punchline. Nothing funny about snow that stuck around till Memorial Day, if you asked him.
Actually, the whole thing was like a big inside joke—generations that knew the climate here, the history, enough of the MacNally clan to make it a mini family reunion. I don’t belong here, Nick reminded himself, trying to push aside any wistfulness. Other than the army, he’d never been good at fitting in, belonging to a particular place.
Or person. Oh, he could not go thinking like that. He did not want to belong to anyone, even a pair of piercing blue eyes and mop of blond curls and the quickest wit he’d ever met. Nope. He did not want to belong, not here.
After they went on stage and Teddy made the announcement about the center’s deadline, the pageant wound down, people milling around, taking pictures and catching up, more conversations Nick couldn’t connect to. All around them were families—MacNally and otherwise—little units of togetherness, razor-sharp reminders of what he’d missed out on in his own life.
It was like when Teddy had suggested he get a cat and part of him had been…well, not exactly tempted, but fanciful, glimpsing a future that others might have but not him. Someone else would spend years with Teddy, adopt pets, build a life together where they made appearances at things like this and…belonged. Which he didn’t. And that was why he should be counting down the days until he left instead of the minutes until he was alone with Teddy, where he could be in the one spot where things seemed to make sense.