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Three tablets are missing in the pack... THREE... what kind of idiot takes a dosage of those pills without worrying about suffering a heart attack, does my idiot husband wantto hurry up and die before me?
I go to the bathroom forgetting the pain in my spine, open the door and find the old suicide under the shower, his face is redder than a sweet pepper, and his damn penis is almost bending toward his navel.
He turns to face me and points at his groin with his chin, craning his lips:
"I think if you give me a hand, maybe he'll settle down."
"Not a hand and not a fucking arm will be able to lower your dick, you know why Vadinho? Because you had the fantastic idea of forgetting that your fucking heart has two bypasses and took three, I said THREE, Viagra pills, and now, what do you intend to do to not have a heart attack and reduce that swelling?
“Lisa, I can explain.”
"Explain what, are you crazy, man?"
Vadinho rests one arm near the tap and falls aside with squinting eyes.
“I think I'm going to faint.”
I leave the bathroom fast and call the hotel reception for help, less than five minutes two men knock on the door and as soon as I open it, they ask me where my husband is fainted and then go to the bathroom.
Vadinho is lying on the floor completely naked, with his penis as hard as steel, the men look at me without being able to disguise the general embarrassment and I decide to pick up a sheet and ask their help to cover him and put him on the bed.
Before the ambulance arrives, I decide to leave the shame aside and make a call to Brazil. I have no idea what hospital I should take Vadinho in this situation so, maybe Dr. Rubem knows an appropriate first aid and can help us. In the fourth ring he answers, speaking half-sleepy:
"Hello, you're not ashamed to call someone at this time, are you?"
“Sorry, Dr. Rubem. I'm so sorry to call you now, I know it's late in Brazil, but it’s an emergency.This is Lisa Oliveira, your patient.”
"What happened to you, Mrs. Lisa?"
"We need a medical help here and I'm not sure about what to do?"
"What are you feeling?"
"No, it's not me, it's Vadinho, my husband.”
“Ok, what happened to him?”
I clear my throat and say it at once.My face is burning with shame:
"He took an overdose of a medication and I think it affected his heart.”
"What kind of medication?"
"That blue one" – I whisper, to the men next door do not listen to me.
"I didn’t hear you, Mrs. Lisa, what medication?"
“Viagra.”– I say, covering my mouth, so that I will not be heard.
“What? I did not understand.”
“VI-A-GRA”– I speak loudly separating the syllables, what a deaf doctor!
"Oh, yes, I understand, since he has a heart problem, take him directly to the Européen George-Pompidou hospital.
A few minutes later the receptionist calls my room and tells me that the ambulance with the paramedics has arrived to help him. It is a rush of people entering and leaving our room, they put Vadinho on a stretcher hastily and they give him the first aid, verifying that his pressure is very high.
“The family doctor indicated that we would take him to the Européen George-Pompidou hospital.” - I report to the paramedic.
The driver goes fast, zigzagging through the busy traffic of Paris, and arrives quickly at L'hôpital Européen George-Pompidou, at 20 Rue Leblanc, 75015.
As soon as the ambulance parks in front of the emergency service, two men come promptly to take Vadinho straight to emergency screening. A young doctor about twenty-eight years old approaches Vadinho's stretcher, observing the sheet that covers his body like an armored tent and asks me what happened to him, while another young woman asks me forthe identification documents of both, Vadinho’s and mine.
"I'm Dr. Charles Montagner, what happened to your husband?"
"My husband and I are on a honeymoon, he took erectile medicine two hours ago and fainted in the bathroom.”
"Does he suffer from high blood pressure or any kind of heart problem?" – The doctor asks, making quick notes on a clipboard, speaking slowly in French.
“Yes, he has high blood pressure and has implanted two bypasses.” – I answer in fair French.
Vadinho's blood pressure is very high, I watch my husband still faintedon this stretcher, he’s pale, and an immense affliction takes me, I cry softly, that's not how I imagined we'd say goodbye, it was not supposed to be that way, it’s me who is dying, it’s in my damn head that the tumor grows and strengthens every day, not Vadinho, he still has so much to live, he needs to support our children when I leave, why is he doing it? I will not bear to lose him.
I lean on his stretcher and say softly, stroking his face:
"Are you wanting to go before me?Why are you doing it, Vadinho?" What was agreed is that I'm going to leave first, not you, dear.”
Vadinho was taken to do some cardiological exams and, thank God, the tests confirmed that no cardiac events occurred with him, the bypasses that were implanted in him are preserved.
Dr. Montagner reassures me, after prescribing the medications needed to regulate Vadinho's blood pressure.
"Your husband was lucky, Ms. Oliveira, an overdose of this erectile dysfunction medication could cause him a heart attack, a stroke, but it was only her blood pressure that is decompensated, I think as soon as her blood pressure is normalized, he will be awoke. I'll keep him under observation, if he's better tomorrow, he'll be discharged.”
Before leaving the room, the doctor turns to me and asks with a laughter air:
"You're Brazilian, right?"
“Yes, Doctor.”
"You’ve said you're on your honeymoon, is that right?"
“We are celebrating forty years of marriage, every year we travel for honeymoon, this time we decided to get to know Europe by train.”
“How romantic, I only suggest a little moderation in this celebration, no Viagra and no exaggeration, okay?”
I nod, unable to face him.What should he be thinking? That we are a pair of old fools. What a shame!
About half an hour later Vadinho's persistent erection was gone, and he finally awoke, still groggy, holding my hand gently, as I sat next to his stretcher.
“Hello, baby, were you flirting with me? My wife is a jealous old woman.”
"Jealous is your fuc..." He covers my mouth with his hand and then laughs, making me laugh with him.
"What the fuck did you think you were doing, Vadinho? You want to end our honeymoon? We have not even come to Italy yet, have you forgotten that we are going to remake our vows in Rome?”
“I did not forget it, sweetheart, I wanted to apologize...”– I imitate him and cover his mouth, preventing him from continuing to speak.
"Shhh, it's over, is there room for one more in this bed?"
He flinches himself in the corner and hits the bed so I lie down next to him.
“Always, my love, come, stay with me.”
It was not that way I imagined finishing our days in Paris, but in spite of the fright that Vadinho caused to us, whether in a sex club or lying in a hospital bed, the moments beside Vadinho are always full of adventures.Monotony is not a part of our wedding menu.
Two days after, Vadinho was discharged, we said goodbye from Paris to London, with a sweet taste on our lips of who wants more.
(Sophia& Rafael)
SOME MINUTES BEFORE AWAKENING