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By Sophia Zahav
“... Just hold your son in your arms
Smile and hold tight your parents
While they are here
‘Cause life is a Bullet train
And we are only passengers waiting to leave...”
(Bullet train – Ana Vilela)
There are moments in our lives when we see ourselves at a crossroad, our whole lives so straightforward turns upside down, pre-established concepts become empty, dogmas are broken, and the rules that you have imposed yourself and worked for it, don’t fit more. Everything, our whole life is off the rails when the greatest of all inclement crashes on our lives: The tragedy...
The news of the bombing on the train where my son was,makes me feel totally lost, all I could think was that my son was probably dead and I could not tell him how miserable I am, how week I am, without his presence by my side. There were so many words that I’ve spoken to hurt him, I wanted to hurt him, to say the opposite would be a lie, when Rafael became involved with Micah and rebelled over this affair, deciding to leave home, I just wanted to scare him, showing how disappointed I was. Everything that I dreamed for his life, which I was sure would make him happy, was wrong. My days without my son were empty, meaningless and my life was completely off the mark, when Rabbi Isaac warned me that the English broadcasts and even here, in Tel Aviv had given the news of the attack on the Rail Europe train that was being traveled from London to Italy. I turned on the television on the channel he pointed out to me and before fainting, I could hear the details of the tragedy:
"The Rail Europe Company train, which was in the London-Rome section, suffered a bomb attack last night, leaving hundreds of fatal victims, besides having to contain the fire, the biggest challenge of the firemen in this rescue is the derailed wagons, where some passengers were trapped between the hardware, in addition to the power supply in the part of the city where the accident happened, which was compromised, and the lack of communication with possible survivors, makes the rescue even more dramatic. "
Rafael sent me a message as he boarded the train, saying that he was going to Rome and then Milan. As much as I did not want to believe it, it was a fact, my son was on that train.
"I wanted to be the son you dreamed and deserved, I wanted to be the virile male you idealized to carry on the Zahav's legacy, but I would not be happy, I would die each day a little, if I could not live next to the person I love. Love does not fit with sin, and my love is sublime, heavenly, that's how I feel... I'm just not complete, because half of me ignores my existence... I love you, mother!Your big boy, Rafael."
I embarked to England the next day, and with the help of some friends, who live in London, I discovered the hospitals in which Rafael and Micah were hospitalized. After much discussion with Rabbi Isaac who insisted on the intolerant speech that he had no son, I received a written authorization from him to transfer Micah to the same hospital where Raphael was. The days passed and although Micah is visually more wounded, with swollen face, full of bruises, three ribs and his left legfractured, the diagnosis of my son is more serious. Rafael suffered a delicate cranial trauma, the edema of his brain regressed slowly so, the doctors had to make another surgery to remove a blood clot.
One, two weeks, one month... In the second month that Rafael is in a coma, my hopes for him to wake up are frail. Micah comes to visit him every day and our relationship has become less suffering. Maybe I do not want to admit it, but the fact is I like this guy, I admire his dedication to my son right now and I am amused by the funny stories he tells. Between a pause and another for a coffee, I tell him what my Rafael was like when he was a little child, I like to talk and he seems to be able to hear me. As soon as I realized their wedding ring, I was shocked, then I asked Micah how the marriage ceremony was and he told me, embarrassed... I heard everything that he told me carefully and I disguised bravely, then I went to the bathroom not being able to withstand the crying. I cried for my son, I cried for Micah, who loves him so much and prays every day for a miracle and, especially, I cried for myself, for not being able to love my son the way he needed, with the selflessness and the generosity that only a mother can have... The realization of how much my son felt happy next to this boy and how life suddenly gave him a creep, knocking him down in a way that I do not know if he will leave unharmed, it hurts me, marked my soul like a red-hot iron.
Today I sing a Jewish lullaby, since my son ceased to be my little boy, I’ve never sung it again, but today, inexplicably, I sing, I sing to the heavens, begging for the miracle of reviewing my awakened son.
I hold him in my arms, cradling him back and forth, with his eyes closed, involved by the thrill of every word uttered.
Through the window, the first rays of the sun invade Rafael's bed, as if filled it with hope that despite the dark night, the day always streaks.
I stroke Rafael's face and sealed with my hand hovering on his skin, I fix my eyes on his serene features and nothing has prepared me for the joy that invades me and snatches me like a whirlwind.
Rafael's eyelids flicker and in seconds, that seem to drag on for an eternity, his eyes slowly open, little by little. His brown eyes stare at me intently.
"My God, Rafael, what a joy, I do not know if my heart will bear, Lord has brought my son back. Rafael, do you recognize me? Can you talk to me?”
"Mom, my Sophia.”
Micah approaches the top of the bed and Rafael glares at him, letting a sneaky tear slip from the corner of his eye. Micah forgets any discretion and kisses Rafael's mouth softly, whispering between his lips:
"Rafa, my love.”
“Micah, my angel.” – Rafael giggled, smiling.
Rafael woke up from the sleep of death, being discharged from the hospital a week later. He and Micah traveled, this time by plane, to Italy, and today, after marrying in a civil ceremony where Aaron and I were present, blessing the union, they live happily and in love in a large house in Milan, next to his beloved dogs.