The only class Wonder Woman worried about was Intro to Super Suits. Though there was still time before her final costume was due, Wonder Woman had been working tirelessly, and it was almost complete. She was hoping to get extra credit for turning it in early. Wonder Woman loved extra credit—it was something they didn’t have on Paradise Island.
“That is so unique,” Star Sapphire said. “It’s totally you!”
Wonder Woman looked up at her partner and smiled. She admired her sense of style, so to hear something like that from Star Sapphire was the ultimate compliment.
“Thank you times a billion!” Wonder Woman said.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” Star Sapphire added.
“No one has,” Golden Glider said coolly.
“It’s to die for,” Cheetah purred.
“Totally,” Star Sapphire added.
“Oh, Star Sapphire, thank you! You’ve been such an inspiration!” Wonder Woman said, smiling widely.
Star Sapphire smiled as her violet ring glowed.
It was she who had suggested that Wonder Woman embrace the retro look. “Big jewelry. Everything big. Over-the-top big.”
“I just knew we’d become friends,” Wonder Woman said. “Even though some Supers say you’re a snob, I never believed them! Your advice and opinions mean so much to me!”
“Thanks?” Star Sapphire said.
“I thought maybe you hated me and my designs,” Wonder Woman continued. “But that’s not true, is it?”
Star Sapphire gave Wonder Woman a warm smile. “I’m sorry if I was harsh on you,” she said, lowering her eyes. “I’m often misunderstood.”
“Oh!” Wonder Woman exclaimed, tearing up. “I’m the one who’s sorry.” She opened her arms for an embrace. “Friends?”
Star Sapphire gave her a huge hug. “Friends!” she said.
“Ladies, sorry to interrupt your hug fest,” Crazy Quilt said, strolling over to them. His oversized multicolored sunglasses hid most of his face, and he carried his jaunty orange beret in his hands lest he fall victim to that scourge of stylish men and women the world over: hat hair. “What have we here?”
Wonder Woman smiled and pointed to the worktable. “My super hero costume,” she said, glowing. “Would you like to see it?”
“In time, in time,” Crazy Quilt assured her. He became distracted by his own image in the mirror. “Time? That reminds me!”
Instead of continuing his critiques on How to Wear Your Weapons, Crazy Quilt pulled the screen down and treated the Supers to a “meticulously curated collection of my photos when I was a top student at the prestigious FISH—the Fashion Institute of Super Heroes!”
The first photo showed a youthful Crazy Quilt wearing cut-off jeans, a tie-dyed T-shirt, and lots of colorful plastic beads around his neck. He wore a green Day-Glo headband around his massive head of curly dark brown hair.
As the slide show went on and on, and on and on, featuring Crazy Quilt’s greatest fashion hits through the years, Katana sidled up to Wonder Woman. “Your costume is done already?” she whispered. “That was fast. You still have over a month left before it’s due.”
“I couldn’t wait,” Wonder Woman said, lowering her voice. “Star Sapphire says she’s never seen anything like it before!”
Katana squinted in the darkened room and scrutinized the outfit on the table.
“Hmmm…try it on,” Katana whispered to Wonder Woman. “We’re due for a break, and if Crazy Quilt doesn’t give us one soon, we’ll all die of boredom.”
“Okay!” Wonder Woman said, eager to show off her creation. She had studied all the super hero costumes through the years and worked hard to bring the best of everything together.
“I am so sorry,” Crazy Quilt said, turning the lights back on and waking everyone up. “But that’s the end of Crazy Quilt’s photos for today—as you see before you, in all its glory and grandeur, the iconic look I finally settled on.” He held up his hands to ward off the applause that hadn’t started yet. “We’ll take a ten-minute breather and then get back to how to wear your weapons with panache!”
When Wonder Woman came out of the bathroom stall wearing her costume, Katana, who normally had a lot to say, was speechless.
“Well?” Wonder Woman said proudly. “What do you think?”
“Star Sapphire said she liked this?” Katana asked. Wonder Woman nodded. “Wondy, I think she’s led you astray.”
“What do you mean?” Wonder Woman asked, modeling her outfit, walking feet first, hands on her hips, a scowl on her face, as she’d seen on the hit Internet reality show Successful Super Supermodels.
Katana shook her head. Wonder Woman was wearing an oversized pink collar that framed her entire face—emphasizing the gigantic headpiece that replaced her usual tasteful gold tiara. It held a huge W on top that was so big, it threatened to wobble off. She also wore a thick, garish belt, fancy thigh-high high-heeled boots with platform soles, and long gloves that went all the way up her arms. And her voluminous magenta cape somehow made Wonder Woman look small.
“It’s…it’s…”
“Yes?” Wonder Woman said, ready to smile.
“It’s awful,” Katana blurted.
Wonder Woman’s face collapsed. “Well, Star Sapphire likes it, and she’s very stylish,” she sputtered.
“I’m no slouch in the fashion department, either,” Katana said defensively. “But I think Star Sapphire’s been setting you up for an epic fail.”
“No…no,” Wonder Woman said. “Why would she do that? We’re partners. We help each other.”
Just then, the school began to vibrate as a loud horn blasted. “Save the day! Save the day! Save the day!” was bellowed over the loud speakers. All the students and teachers immediately streamed into the hallways and out to the courtyard.
“It’s happening!” Wonder Woman shouted with delight. “Save the Day!”
“Save the Day alarm!” Bumblebee announced as Supers streamed down the hallway, running, flying, sliding, rolling. “Come on!” she said, flying and swooping in and out of the throng of students.
As the girls rushed out of building, Wonder Woman forgot she was wearing her new super hero costume. Her cape got caught in the door when it slammed, but she kept going until—SNAP! The cape stretched to its limit before catapulting Wonder Woman in the opposite direction. Supers ducked as Wonder Woman flew back to the doorway.
She hit the heavy metal door with a thud, but not before she had mowed down dozens of students in her wake. “Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!” Wonder Woman yelled as each one fell.
There was still time to save the day!
As she ran, the immense, stylized W on her headgear slid down over her eyes, blocking her vision. Still, Wonder Woman kept going, until she finally tore off the offending helmet and flung it to the side. “Sorry,” she cried as Green Lantern dodged the discarded accessory. “I’m off to save the day!”
From where she was standing atop the Lady Justice statue, Wonder Woman could see someone dangling from the very pinnacle of the school—trapped near the school’s iconic Amethyst. Dozens of Supers were already rising into the sky, their capes flowing in the breeze like the proud flags of many nations. Wonder Woman spotted Hawkgirl leading the charge. She would need all her speed to overtake the swarm of heroes if she was going to save the day. Wonder Woman ran toward the tower, but the grass was wet, and her high-heeled boots sank into the ground with every stride, weighing her down even more.
Up! Up! Wonder Woman realized she could go up only if she shed her clumsy boots and flew. As she looked down at the super heroes still running around, she kicked off her platform boots and was horrified when one of them knocked Poison Ivy to the ground. She was about to turn around to help her friend, but then she realized it was Mr. Fox who was hanging from the gemstone.
“Oh! Oh!” he shouted weakly. “I’m hoping some super hero will come rescue me!” He bit into a baloney sandwich and chewed. “Oh! Oh! Someone save me! Oh!”
“I’m coming,” Wonder Woman called. “I’ll save you, Mr. F!”
Fox continued crying as if reciting a memorized script. “Help!” He paused to mutter, “This is getting bor-ing! Anyone have some mustard? Oh, help.”
Wonder Woman reached for her lasso, but it was not there. All she had was the heavy belt around her waist. At last Wonder Woman untied Mr. Fox, who was almost done with his sandwich. “Disaster. This is a disaster,” he said. “It’s about time someone saved me.”
“Hold on to my belt,” Wonder Woman said as she flew her teacher down to safety.
She had saved the day!
“That was AWFUL,” The Wall bellowed. “Just awful!”
The auditorium was silent.
Wonder Woman raised her hand. “But I saved Mr. Fox,” she told the principal. Perhaps The Wall was unaware of that?
All the teachers were sitting onstage, and none looked happy, especially Lucius Fox.
“By my estimations,” Wildcat said, “Fox would have been done for by the time you actually got there.”
“Yes,” Liberty Belle added. “And regretfully, Wonder Woman, in the process of rescuing Mr. Fox, you injured several students.”
Wonder Woman hung her head.
“I expect all of you to perform better during the next Save the Day drill,” The Wall said sharply. “If you can’t do well on an exercise, how can you expect to save the world? How would you even perform an ordinary rescue, such as an avalanche or a mutant attack?” Without waiting for an answer, she added, “Everyone, back to your classrooms, NOW. You have much to learn.”
The mood back in Crazy Quilt’s class was somber. As Crazy Quilt looked at Wonder Woman’s outfit, he shook his head. “This is what you’ve been working on?” he asked.
“I had a crown and a cape and platform-stiletto boots, and…,” she began.
“And how did those work for you?”
“They didn’t,” Wonder Woman admitted, hanging her head. “They didn’t work at all.”
“As much as I love fashion,” Crazy Quilt said, “function is just as important. Your costume is a reflection of you and must aid you in every way possible. It’s not enough to look good—you must perform well. Watch.”
The class went slack-jawed as their crazy teacher began to spin around, his ascot creating an orbit of power around him. Then he took off each shoe and tossed them at the window, breaking the glass and sending them out into space.
“Wait for it….Wait for it….” Crazy Quilt held his hands in the air as the shoes returned and he snatched each one. “They have circled the earth,” he said. “And had I needed them to, they could have homed in on any enemy while my circle of power kept me safe. And that, class, is what Crazy Quilt calls fashion and function. Learn it.”
That night at dinner, Wonder Woman was not her usual happy self.
“Wowza,” Harley said as Wonder Woman pushed her meat loaf log and mashed potatoes around her plate. “So sorry about your costume fiasco. Although it did get high HQTV ratings. Maybe you could go back to your Amazon warrior princess clothes. You know, the outfit you came to school wearing. You could at least pass the class with that.”
Passing the class was not enough, Wonder Woman knew. Her mother was expecting her to ace all her subjects, and Principal Waller was, too. Wonder Woman looked down on her tray. Another note had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. It read: Crash and burn! You couldn’t save the day and you can’t save yourself. Leave now before it’s too late.
Wonder Woman crumpled up the paper and tossed it in the trash, then thought better of it. Lois Lane would want to see it, although it wasn’t all that different from the other notes, emails, and comments on the HQTV website that had been showing up more and more often. Wonder Woman knew not to tell her mother about them. That would get her pulled out of school for sure.
“I’ve got it all on video, and it’s ready to post!” Harley crowed as Wonder Woman dragged herself into her room flopped onto the bed.
“Please, Harley,” she said. “Would you mind forgetting about this one? I look so foolish.”
“That’s the point,” Harley said gleefully. “We all do! But that’s why people tune in. To see super hero disasters.”
Is that what I am? Wonder Woman wondered. A super hero disaster?