Town To Do List:
Shop for staples (sugar!)
Go over how my knitting is selling
Give Mr. Robinson more knitting to sell
Check in with the doctor?
More fabric for clothes—heavier cloth for winter?
“Millie? Are you about ready?” From his tone of voice, Adam was beyond ready. And very nearly out of patience. Millie chuckled to herself. They were still courting. He hadn’t even kissed her yet. But he sure sounded like a truly aggravated husband right now. The kind who had been waiting on his wife for years instead of a few months.
True to that thought, Adam appeared in her bedroom doorway. “You set?”
Millie tried to smother her smile and look apologetic. She didn’t think she succeeded. “Yes. I just need my list.”
“Where is it? I’ll grab it.”
Millie shook her head. Men were so funny sometimes. “It’s in my notebook on the table. I’ll be out in just a second.”
He disappeared, muttering something that was probably best not repeated to her ears. Millie took one last look at the mirror, trying to reassure herself that she did not look as clunky and massively pregnant as she currently felt.
She walked into the family room and froze. Something was wrong. Adam was standing there, looking at her open notebook. He had one palm flat on the table. The other was clutched into a fist at his side. He raised his head up and looked at her, and Millie stepped back. She had never seen such fury before. Such raw anger and hurt.
“Adam?”
“What is this?” His voice was low.
She took a small step forward, spoke cautiously. The question felt dangerous somehow. “What is what? The list for town?”
“You’re making lists about leaving me? About taking my children with you?”
What? Taking his children? He never referred to them as just his children. They were always their children. The both of theirs. What was he looking at that would make him think she would take the children and leave him? Then, she remembered. Oh, no. Why had she left that page in there? “Adam, I—”
“No.” His voice was harder than she had ever heard it.
“But I—”
“No.” It was a roar. A yell.
Millie heard both kids run up the front steps. Pound across the porch. They appeared in the doorway, eyes wide. Genie was behind Caty, and Millie noticed that the girl was almost shielding her brother. From them.
Adam moved his head, still leaning over the table and that notebook. His voice was no less harsh when he spoke to his children. “Caty, Genie. Go back outside and play. Now.”
Adam turned his head back, once again focusing his rage on Millie. She felt like she couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe around the weight on her chest.
Caty looked at Millie. Looked at her father. “But Daddy, I—”
“Catherine Susan. You go outside with your brother and play right this instant. Do not make me tell you again.” He kept his gaze on Millie, but Caty flinched as though she had been struck. She turned stiffly and walked out, pushing Genie in front of her. Millie heard Genie protesting. Caty’s voice high and sharp in reply. Then silence. The door swung back and forth where she hadn’t shut it.
Millie felt her anger rising, competing with her panic for space in her brain and heart. “You didn’t have to talk to her that way. Caty didn’t do anything wrong.”
Adam stood up straight, his gaze feeling like a bullet heading toward her heart. “I am well aware of who did something wrong here. And don’t tell me how to talk to my daughter.”
Oh, she shouldn’t have made that list, but he was going too far. After months of sharing those children with her, waiting for her to love and claim them, he had no right to try to take them away. No. “You mean our daughter?”
“No. I mean my daughter.”
“Adam, you are—”
“No. Millie, I don’t know what you’re thinking.” He looked at her notebook with a disgusted sneer. “What you’re planning. But if you think you can take my children away from me, you better sit down and reconsider. That is not happening. Ever.”
Adam’s anger distorted his features. This man was completely unrecognizable to Millie.
“Adam, I. Am. Not. Taking. Our. Children. From. You.” She emphasized each word, as though he were slow. If that insulted him, it was too bad, because right now he was acting more dense than a pile of bricks. “I would never do that. Even if I decided to leave, I wouldn’t take the children. What kind of person do you think I am?”
Millie closed her eyes in frustration. Why had she said that? Implied that she might leave, just without the kids? She wasn’t leaving, period—even if he was an angry fool.
Adam crossed his arms, somehow lowering his voice to an even deeper tone.
“You are not leaving me. You are not leaving my children. And, I swear, if you try to take my children from me, I will hunt you down. I will spend the rest of my life making you sorry.”
Millie took another step back. She didn’t know this man. Didn’t know how to talk to him.
“It’s not what you think. You’re overreacting, ruining things for no reason.”
“Then explain it to me. I can’t wait.”
“I wasn’t ever going to do it. Never.”
“And this, this was just...what? Why did you write those words down on paper, in your beloved notebook, the one full of ideas you intend to see through?” His voice was the sharp edge of a knife, cutting her.
“I just wanted to write those thoughts down. Get them out of my head so I could stop obsessing on them.”
“You were obsessing about leaving me and taking my children?” The last was a roar. Adam’s voice was a wounded animal, a hurt so primal it made Millie’s eyes water. He wasn’t listening. He wasn’t understanding.
“No! They were just horrible thoughts. I knew they were horrible. Wrong. But Adam, I swear to you, I was just writing down words. I never, ever intended to do it. Never. I swear it. I’ve never lied to you—you have to believe me now. I was just writing down the thoughts to get them out of my head.”
He was breathing heavy, still in a fighting stance. Millie didn’t dare try to touch him. Not like this.
“If you didn’t mean it, why did you keep it? I’ve seen you rip out pages before when you changed your mind about whatever you had written down.”
He wasn’t wrong. “I don’t know. I wrote that list. Then I cried and prayed. Asked God for forgiveness. Then I guess I forgot.”
“This list upset you so much that you broke down over it, but then you forgot all about its existence?”
“I guess.” It sounded like a lie, but it was the truth. “I just don’t know, Adam.”
“There seem to be a lot of things you don’t know. But that’s okay, because there are things I don’t know either, so I guess we’re even.”
“Adam.” Tears were rolling down her face, and Millie angrily wiped them away. Adam looked at her and snorted.
“Save the tears, Millie. They’re not going to work.”
The hysteria Millie felt rolling in her body made its way to her voice. “They’re not supposed to work! Why are you making this such a big deal? Why can’t you understand that I didn’t mean it? I was never going to leave.”
“You wrote it down. I’m not making this up—it’s right here.” He picked up her notebook and shook it, then threw it back on the table like he was too disgusted to even touch the bound paper.
“Yes. It’s right there. In my private notebook. You had no business reading through it. Opening it at all. I was just scared, Adam! I didn’t mean it. I swear I didn’t.”
He stilled and that was the scariest thing Millie had seen yet. “You’re telling me that you never thought about leaving me. About leaving us?” His voice had a desperate hopeful undertone that made Millie feel sick to her stomach.
* * *
Millie looked at the ground, but Adam saw the shame in her eyes before she lowered them. Not just shame. A confession. She looked as though she had been caught in the actual act.
She was going to leave him. How had he been this wrong? Had she been faking about everything? Adam remembered all the times he thought she was falling in love with him. Like he already was with her. He was going to be sick.
“How far did you get?” His voice sounded dead, but that was better than letting her see him cry.
“Wh-What?” Oh, she was good.
“How. Far. Did. You. Get? When you were going to leave me.”
“I wasn’t going to leave you.”
“No. Your face gave you away. How far did you get?”
“Adam, I—”
“Did you pack a bag?”
She averted her eyes. Another look of shame. She had. She had actually packed a bag to leave him. The thought was so horrifying that Adam knew he couldn’t be here anymore. He didn’t know if he wanted to punch a wall or sob like a baby. Or both. Right now he just wanted to get away from her.
This wasn’t like when Sarah left. Wasn’t like when she died. This was so much worse. Millie had contemplated leaving him and taking his children with her.
His children.
Even if he believed her about not meaning that part, she had packed a bag to leave. To leave them all.
His children were too young to remember their mother. Caty had a few vague impressions, but overall Sarah was nonexistent in their world. That was a sad fact, but in a way, it was also a blessing. They would never know that their mother had been willing to leave them, had put her own happiness above theirs. Had abandoned them completely.
But his children knew Millie. They loved her.
They called her Mama.
Caty and Genie would absolutely remember Millie. Would know that she was supposed to be their mother until she died. When she walked out that door, there would be no way Adam could protect them from the knowledge that Millie left them right along with him.
What had he done?
Adam took a step toward the door. He needed to find his children.
“Adam, wait.” Millie moved quickly, reached out and held on to his arm as though she could physically make him stay. Adam felt a bit like a wild animal. A beast caught in a trap that could not see anything beyond getting free. But, he didn’t yank his arm away from Millie. He didn’t allow his anger to take physical form. Perhaps he was still human after all.
“Please take your hand off me.” He was afraid to move for fear he would lose all control.
She did, finger sliding down until he could not feel her touch anymore. “I’m begging you to listen to me. If you care about our family at all, even a little bit, please listen to me.” She had a hand over the stomach where his child rested.
Except it wasn’t his child. That was a fairy tale he’d told himself when he had thought they could all pretend to be one big happy family.
Except, it was his child. That was the reality he had created when he had married this woman.
He did not try to walk away. After a second, Millie began to speak. She had been furious earlier. Upset with him as though he had done something wrong. She’d even tried to chastise him.
She wasn’t angry now. Her voice was full of despair. Regret.
Another act?
He simply did not know. He didn’t know if he even cared. But he stood still.
“Adam, do you remember what our marriage was like months ago? I’m talking about the day you came home early to get your tools to help the family that was moving. The day I realized all the crops could die because of the drought. Do you remember that?”
He didn’t look at her. Didn’t respond. Adam just focused on standing still and trying to listen to her words beyond the thundering of blood in his ears.
“That was when I packed a suitcase. I did not even realize I was doing it, to be honest. I was thinking about the crops dying and being homeless again. I completely panicked. I looked up and I had my suitcase out and clothes in it. I swear I stopped the second I realized what I was doing.”
He just stared at the door.
“I couldn’t do it. Even then, I realized there was no way I could leave you all. Leave the children. I thought about what it meant to leave Caty and Genie, and I absolutely could not do it. So, I unpacked. I never made a move to leave again. Never, Adam. Not when you told me the crops were going to die. Not when you had to sell off half the herd. Even now, if you ask me to leave, I’m going to refuse. I am Caty and Genie’s mama, and I will be here for them for the rest of my life.”
That last sentence was true. She was their mother. Adam had no intention of watching his children lose another mother. That meant that he would never tell her to leave. Millie was going to be here. As his wife. But it didn’t mean anything beyond that.
“Please.” Her voice broke. He ignored it.
“When did you make the last list? The one about taking my children? The one that was just thoughts in your head that you were obsessing on so you had to get them out?”
Millie’s words were a sob. “The morning of the day we went for a walk and you told me about delivering Caty.”
Adam swayed on his feet. He pulled out a chair and sank into it. That had been a wonderful day. The day that Adam associated with their courtship being real. Their marriage being real.
That was the day she wrote down a plan to take his children?
Millie sank to her knees in front of him. Begging. On her knees. He could feel the swell of her stomach against his shins. She reached for his hands, but he pulled them away. Up high where she could not touch them. She lowered her arms.
“I am sorry. It doesn’t matter I guess whether I meant it or not because it hurt you no matter what. But I didn’t mean it. I was torturing myself by trying to figure out just how bad things could get—so I could figure out what to do in the absolute worst case. But as soon as I wrote it down, I knew how wrong it was. You were never supposed to see that list, because it was not a real list. I just use my notebook to ramble sometimes. To write down the worst thing so I can see them in black and white. How can you understand my breaking down in the barn but not understand this?”
Because the barn was about God. This is about me.
He didn’t say that, though. He didn’t say anything. Adam pushed the chair back so he could stand up without touching Millie. Then he walked out. He made sure to close the door behind him.
Adam found Caty and Genie on the other side of the barn. Genie was using a stick to draw in the dirt. Caty was on her back, staring at the sky. Adam saw tracks where tears had dried on her cheeks. He laid down next to her, pulling her into his arms. She curled into him, using him as a cushion, her cheek flat against his chest. “I’m sorry, baby. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” Adam rubbed her back, making firm circles and hoping the repetitive pressure would comfort her.
“Where’s Mama?”
Adam was glad she couldn’t see his face. He kept his voice gentle. For his daughter. “She’s inside the house.”
“Is she okay?”
Adam increased the pressure of his hands, though he didn’t know whether that was for Caty or for himself.
“Yes, honey.” He wasn’t about to say anything else. Besides, he was the one who had been hurt here. Not Millie. His words were the truth.
“You yelled at her.” Caty didn’t sound angry. Just sad. And confused.
Adam sighed, continued to rub her back. He saw Genie watching them, stiller than he had been in months. Adam reached out his free arm. “Come here, Genie.”
Both children settled against him, Adam chose his words carefully. “Mama and Daddy had a fight. I’m sorry you all saw that. I’m sure it was scary.” Adam felt Genie nod his head against his chest. Caty was just motionless. “Sometimes mamas and daddies have fights. It just happens. Like how sometimes you two fight with each other. It’s okay, though. I promise you, everything is okay.”
Caty raised her head and looked at Adam. “Did you two say sorry and make up?”
“Yes, Caty-girl.” This time Adam did lie to his daughter.