To Do:
Finish knitting Adam’s socks
Put up the rest of the vegetables from the garden
Millie stared at her list, unable to think of anything else to write down. She was having a hard time focusing, and it was all that man’s fault. She remembered seeing other women go all daft whenever a man showed them attention. She remembered thinking those women were foolish. Silly. And now, here she was. A grown woman, married with children, and she just wanted to sit and stare at space because Adam had taken her for a walk yesterday. Had asked to do the same today.
Yes, Millie had turned into one of those witless women. And it was most certainly all that man’s fault.
Things had seemed to change so fast, and yet nothing had really changed at all. True, they said they were courting. But their conversations were the same as they’d been before. Their physical interaction was unchanged. The only difference was that the air was filled with the possibility and promise of more. It did not sound like much of a difference at all, but everything felt radically new.
Exciting. Terrifying.
Millie went from being eager and giddy to being absolutely panicked. This was the biggest risk she had ever taken. They were both committed to remaining friends and good parents for their children even if they decided they were not suited romantically. But Millie knew from a lifetime of experience that being committed to something and having it work out were two very different things. After all, they had been committed to keeping their relationship not romantic at all and look at how that had worked out.
Millie’s brain knew that a life spent avoiding risks was a life wasted. Millie’s heart knew that Adam was a good man. Millie’s wary instincts, though, knew this could go wrong. Given the history of her life, it probably would go wrong. She was going to mess this up and he was going to make her leave. Millie’s instincts were screaming at her to run before that could happen.
She turned the page, feeling like if she could just get the worst possible scenario down on the page and out of her body then the fear would go away. Her writing was harsh, the lead dark and ragged on the clean white.
Leaving Adam
I have savings from my knitting
I can get a job
I could take the children with me?
Millie dropped the pencil in horror. What was she doing? This was what her instincts said to do? It was unfathomable.
Millie pushed away from the table, almost running to her room. She made it to where her Bible was on her bedside table and dropped to her knees, ignoring the pain in her joints and the protest from the baby inside. Those words that had come out on paper? Those words were not from God. They were not truth.
Tears bled down her face as she clutched the Bible and begged God for forgiveness. She had cried more in the last weeks than she ever had in her life. It hurt. It cleansed. Millie was helpless to stop it.
She stayed there, asking God to fill her heart. To come in and push out the evil that threatened to destroy her. To cut out the despair and let the wound of her insecurities finally begin to heal.
Millie was still there thirty minutes later, forehead on the quilt that Adam had given her when she was nothing more than a stranger to him. She felt drained, not a foreign feeling after the last weeks. But this draining was almost welcome. Like maybe the crazy thoughts that tormented her were gone.
It wasn’t going to be that simple. Millie knew that. But she also knew that she was done thinking about them. Feeding them. Millie struggled to her feet, and walked back into the family room.
She closed her notebook, put it off to the side. She didn’t want to spend any more time in those pages. Not right now.
The morning passed quickly with the routine that was quickly becoming Millie’s bedrock. She cared for her family. Played with her children. Enjoyed every second, even when the work was hard. It felt good to live purposefully. Instead of making plans, Millie was living them.
Millie watched the clock and put the children down for their nap just as soon as possible. Genie, as always, didn’t want to take a nap.
“Not tired, Mama. Play.” He made the same argument every single day. Millie leaned over from where she was sitting on the side of the bed and stroked her palm down his cheek.
“I know, baby. But I’m sure if you close your eyes, you’ll fall right asleep anyway.” He would. He always did. Once his body realized it was actually going to be allowed to rest, it had no problems falling asleep.
Caty usually curled up, hands under her cheek, and closed her eyes without complaint. She wasn’t fond of naps, but she never argued. Until today. She was still sitting up, looking at Millie suspiciously.
“Are you going somewhere, Mama?”
Millie sat up a little straighter. Leave it to her smart girl to figure out something different was going on. “Why do you ask, Caty-girl?”
“Yesterday you were cleaner after we woke up. You had on a nicer apron. And your hair was different.”
Yes. It had been. Millie had run out of time before she could fully dress for her walk with Adam, but she’d managed to clean up some.
“I went for a walk with Daddy yesterday.”
Caty’s eyes narrowed. “Are you walking again today?”
Millie nodded.
“I come!” Genie sounded outraged that Millie would go on a walk without him, and Millie grinned.
“No, Genie. This is adult time. For adults to talk.”
He looked dubious.
“Are you going to put on nice clothes again for Daddy?” Caty didn’t sound upset. She sounded like she was plotting something.
“If I have time, baby. Is that okay?”
Caty nodded and abruptly laid down in the bed. She rolled toward Genie and spoke in a furious whisper. “Shh. Be quiet, Genie. We have to sleep so Mama can walk with Daddy.” Caty then closed her eyes and did the best impression of a sleeping child that Millie had ever seen.
Millie’s heart felt like a bucket overflowing. She managed to stay there, thinking about how much she loved these children, until both of them were truly asleep. Then she rushed to change. Millie almost always wore an apron over her clothes, but she didn’t want to for her walk. She pulled out the dress she normally saved for Sunday, feeling the need to go beyond a serviceable skirt and blouse. She was just repinning her hair when Millie heard Adam come home.
She looked in the mirror, running her hands over her clothes as though to brush away wrinkles that weren’t there. Adam knocked on her door, and Millie felt her heart race.
She opened the door and couldn’t stop her smile as Adam’s eyes widened when he looked at her. When Adam didn’t say anything, she giggled, sounding and feeling very much like a schoolgirl with a crush on the boy in the next desk. “Hi.”
Adam cleared his throat. “Um, hi.” He cleared his throat again. “You look lovely.”
Pleasure at his words rose from her toes all the way to the top of her head. “Thank you. It’s the same dress I wear every Sunday. Nothing too special.”
Adam shook his head. “No. It is special. I feel bad now, I’m still in my work clothes. If you’ll give me a few minutes, I can go change.”
This time it was Millie’s turn to shake her head no. “You’re fine the way you are. I like your work clothes.” He looked doubtful. “Really. Besides, the kids won’t nap all day, and I want to have as much time as possible to walk with you.”
That seemed to do the trick. Adam stepped back and turned to offer Millie his arm as though they were in some fancy ballroom. It was a gesture she had seen men in tuxedos perform for women in fancy gowns in Saint Louis as they walked to or from their carriages. No man had ever extended his arm for her that way, though.
Until today. Now.
She took his arm and let him lead her out the door. Millie had made sure both kids knew where she would be if they woke up early. She really hoped they wouldn’t wake up early.
They walked a few minutes, stopping on a small hill that offered an unobstructed view of the land for miles. Millie’s hand dropped away from Adam’s arm as she turned in a small circle, taking it all in. This part of the country was flat. And big. It didn’t make sense, but the world felt physically bigger here.
It was a hot day, full of bright blue sky and a huge sun without a single cloud. Nothing to suggest rain. The prairie that had gleamed gold and green when she first saw this land was now the faded yellow of vegetation barely holding on. But it still looked like an ocean rippling with waves. It was still wide and open and free.
“What are you thinking?”
She stopped and gestured to the land surrounding them. “I was thinking about the city.”
“The city?”
“I was, about how crowded it would probably feel to me now. How noisy.” She closed her eyes and just felt the open space. “Sometimes going into town is nearly too much. Like everything is too close. I can’t even imagine what the city would feel like now.”
Adam nodded his head. “I took the cattle to Kansas City last year. Went with the men. Even though we were surrounded by livestock and ranchers, I still felt like I was being pressed in between two pieces of glass. I couldn’t see what was closing in all around me, but I felt it. That’s part of the reason why I didn’t go this year.”
Millie started walking again, Adam matching her slow pace right at her side. “I’m glad you didn’t go,” she said. “I’m not sure I would like being here without you. I think the house would feel a little too far from town then.” And she would miss his company. Hearing about his day. Knowing he was just there. But Millie left those thoughts unspoken.
“Well, I shouldn’t have much cause to go to a city any time soon. And if I did, I would probably bring you and the kids anyway. They’ve never seen a city.”
“Could we do that? All leave the farm? What about the chores?”
“Of course we can. And we will. Once things calm down a bit here, I’d like for us to go somewhere. A small, fun trip. One of the neighbors would gladly help out.”
Millie thought about all the work it took to keep the farm going, even when doing the bare minimum. Doing it for two farms seemed like a huge favor to ask. “Wouldn’t they mind? Doing extra work so we could go have fun?”
“That’s what neighbors do, Millie. We’d do the same for them. Actually, I’m sure we will. Edith and Mike usually go back and visit their family a couple of times each year. We’ll cover their chores then.”
“What is there to do with children in Kansas City?”
“Actually, I was thinking we could go to Saint Louis. If you want.”
“Saint Louis?”
“I kind of want to see where you grew up.”
Millie stopped walking, the tightness in her chest making her feel out of breath.
Adam stopped, too. “We don’t have to if you think it will bring back bad memories. Honestly, it was just an idea.”
Millie forced in several deep breaths. She sometimes missed her city. She was also thankful beyond belief that she’d left it.
“I shouldn’t have said anything. I know you had a horrible time growing up.”
Millie nodded her head, focusing her gaze on the wide-open country around them. “I did. But I do miss it sometimes. It was the only home I’d known before this place.”
“Well, you can think about it. We won’t have any time for a trip for several months.”
Millie exhaled a deep breath and started walking again. Adam joined her.
“It’s a greater distance to travel than Kansas City. I’m not sure it would be worth it.”
“Like I said, you can decide. No rush. But for what it is worth, I would like to see the place that made you who you are.”
“Why would you want that?”
Adam’s voice was gentle but sure. “So I can thank it.”
* * *
Adam had been thinking about reaching out and taking Millie’s hand ever since she had let go of his arm. His fingers twitched as he glanced at her hand, noticing how empty it was. How close.
He was courting his wife. They were admiring their land. But he was afraid to hold her hand?
No. Adam reached out, slowly, and interlaced his fingers with hers. He kept his touch as light as possible, giving Millie every chance to pull away. If he felt hesitance or resistance, Adam would withdraw.
But instead, Millie’s fingers squeezed his, tightening the grasp. Thank You, God.
“Was it a better day today? Did Genie give you any trouble?”
Millie’s smile was tender. “He wasn’t trouble yesterday. He was just a little boy who didn’t want to take a nap. But he fell asleep quickly today.”
“I hope you know you’ve had a really good run. I love him but that child can be an absolute beast. I’ve seen him throw fits that would put an entire contingent of toddlers to shame.”
Millie rolled her eyes, not looking like she believed him in the least. She also didn’t sound particularly sorry for him. “He’s a perfectly normal child. You just got spoiled by Caty. She’s probably the best behaved child I’ve ever met.” She squeezed his hand once, a brief pulse that Adam savored. “In fact, when I first met them, Caty was the one I worried about.”
Adam understood that. He’d done his fair share of worrying about her, too. There was something sad about a little girl who was too good. “She’s been so much better since you arrived. More like a child.” Adam wasn’t trying to compliment Millie and get in her good graces. His words were the absolute truth.
“They are so completely different. Genie is loud. He seems to have too much emotion, like he just can’t keep it inside. It’s usually good cheer and humor, thankfully, but it just seems to erupt from him.”
Adam chuckled. Millie wasn’t wrong. Not at all. If Genie’s disposition was the least bit unpleasant, he would be a terribly difficult child. Instead, he was a boy whose good cheer seemed to infect everyone around him.
Millie’s hand pulsed against his again. “Now, Caty is a completely different child. When I first met her, I thought she disliked me. But she’s not like that. She’s every single bit as loving and good-natured as Genie. She just hides it a little. Makes you look for it. But, once you know what you’re looking for, she practically drowns you in love and affection.”
“That’s a perfect way to describe them. They were like that even as babies. You’re right that we were spoiled by Caty. She would just look at you with those eyes. Never fussy, never difficult. Just quiet and cuddly. All she wanted was to be held close and she was happy. And quiet. Did I mention quiet? I never realized how quiet until Genie came along. He was also a good baby, but oh my, how he wanted attention. He would wake up grinning and babbling and it seemed like he didn’t stop. I swear he even made noises in his sleep.”
Caty laughed, and Adam gave her his most aggrieved look. “I’m serious. That child didn’t want to be quietly held. No, he wanted to be entertained. To have you pay attention to all of his nonstop noise. My ears are still ringing.”
“I wish I had seen it.” Millie’s voice was wistful, and Adam stopped walking for a second. He turned to face her, trying to figure out a way to give her that experience.
He couldn’t.
Instead, he lifted his free hand up to cup her face. “I know. I’m sorry I can’t give that to you.” His lips quirked. “If you like, I can recreate Genie’s earliest years. I’ll just follow you around all day banging two pots together as close to your ears as I can while smiling.”
Millie burst out laughing. “Um, no, thank you. I’ll settle for all the years to come that I’ll get to enjoy.”
“You’re sure? Well, if you ever change your mind, just let me know.” They resumed walking, a slight breeze blowing strands of Millie’s hair loose. “What do you think the new baby will be like?” Adam’s first two had been so radically different. Maybe this one would be somewhere in the middle?
“I don’t know. I kind of can’t imagine it as a real baby. I mean, I feel him or her in there. But, the thought that this thing inside of me will be a real baby in a few months just kind of shocks me. I just don’t know how that is possible.”
“When Caty was born, I remember wondering where she came from like she had just been left on the front steps in a basket or something. Even though I knew she was coming, had prepared, it was still a surprise.”
“Well, that makes me feel better.” Millie looked away, her voice softer. “Were you there when Sarah had Caty and Genie? I mean, close by?”
Adam swallowed hard, his heart beating faster just in the remembering. “I actually delivered Caty.”
Millie stopped, looking at him with her mouth open. “You what?”
“Yeah. Sarah went into labor in the middle of a snowstorm. I couldn’t get out. Even if I could, I was terrified that I would get stuck and not be able to get back with the doctor.”
“So you delivered the baby yourself? Just like that?”
“Not just like that. I had no clue what I was doing. Sarah and Caty did all the work—I just kind of kneeled there feeling useless. I had nightmares about it for months after.”
“I can’t imagine.”
“Yeah, well, don’t you go getting any ideas. I learned my lesson. When I realized Genie was going to be born in the winter, I made sure to have ten plans in place to make sure we’d have help.” He smiled, thinking of all the time Millie spent planning things out in that notebook of hers. “I made you look like someone who never planned anything at all. I had every woman in a thirty-mile radius on standby to come help. I had every man ready to go get help. They mocked me for months after, but it was worth it. I did not have to deliver Genie, thank the Lord.”
“I don’t know. I was really nervous about someone I’ve never met helping me. I think I’d like it if you delivered this child.”
What? What? “What?”
“I don’t really know anyone here. But I know you. And you’ve done it before. You’re going to be this baby’s father. You are its father. I really think it would be better if you delivered the baby.”
Millie’s face was blank, but her eyes were twitching...with humor. Adam realized he could add her to the list of people who would probably make fun of him. “That’s the meanest thing anyone has ever done to me, Millie Beale.”
The twitches broke free and she burst into laughter. Loud, long shouts of glee, with gasping breaths in between. She let go of his hand and put her hands over the place where her cruel heart was beating. He crossed his arms and glared at her. Or tried to.
“Your face, Adam. Oh my word, your face. Oh, I wish someone else had been here. I need witnesses.”
He tried to increase the severity of his look, but his lips weren’t cooperating. She looked so happy. So very happy. “I’m glad I could amuse you.”
She reached out, put a hand on his forearm. Her voice was breathless mirth. “I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not.”
More laughter. “Okay, okay. You’re right. I’m not. That was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“You’re a cruel woman.”
“You have to admit, it was funny. A little bit?”
“No.”
“You’re right. It was a lot funny. I’ll never top it. Fifty years from now, this will still be the funniest thing I ever did to you.”
Adam decided to just enjoy her glee—and the way she talked about them being together fifty years from now, looking back over their life together. He looked at the sky, noting the sun’s position. “We should probably head back.”
Millie didn’t answer. She just took his hand, firm and natural without any hesitation like this was the only way they walked now, and started in the direction of home.