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The first few days of motherhood were tough. The lack of sleep was real. My daughter loved to be held as a newborn, so unless I held her in my arms, neither one of us would receive decent sleep. I would prop myself up and lay her on my chest so that she could sleep. Of course, I would doze off myself but quickly wake up to ensure her safety. Eventually, my mom advised me that I had to put her down, otherwise she would only sleep if she were being held. Being unable to get enough sleep was difficult, but as we tried to establish a routine, things were not so bad, especially when she looked at me with those beautiful, big eyes. The fatigue was there but did not matter. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted to be a great mom.
One of my main goals as a mom was to breastfeed. I had done a ton of research on the benefits of breastfeeding, so I was excited to provide breastmilk for my daughter. I honestly thought I would be able to breastfeed, but I underestimated how difficult it would be. I did not have a good milk supply, and I barely knew what I was doing. We were unable to establish a good latch because my daughter would get very impatient with how slowly my milk was coming out. Naturally, she would cry because she was hungry, so I would cave in and give her a bottle of formula instead. I even tried to pump the breastmilk and that worked for a while, but eventually my breastmilk ceased to flow due to inconsistency. I wanted so badly to breastfeed, but it just did not work out for us. It made me feel inadequate as a mom, along with other factors.
I did not have a car, so while I was home, I had to travel whenever my mom traveled. However, when she had to work, she would allow me to borrow her car sometimes so that I could have a way of getting around. I did not have any money because I was no longer working my work-study job at school. I relied heavily on my parents, siblings and grandmother to assist me a great deal with diapers, wipes, formula and everything else a baby may need. I needed all of the help I could get. Most of my clothes that I had with me while I was home did not fit because I did not have my pregnancy belly anymore, so I sported the baggy, rugged look without necessarily wanting to. Even so, I was grateful because I knew when they were able, my family would help me with whatever me and my daughter needed.