A few days later, as Kerensa sat cushioned and cosseted in front of a well built-up fire in her sitting room, Polly appeared to ask her if she would see a visitor.
‘Yes!’ Kerensa answered eagerly. ‘Anyone. I’m going quietly mad, the way you all keep me just sitting about wrapped up like an old woman, Polly.’ And she flicked at the blanket wrapped around her lap.
‘You know his lordship won’t let you do very much until he’s sure you’ve completed your convalescence, as per doctor’s orders.’ Polly folded her arms and looked at Kerensa in a no-nonsense fashion. ‘And neither will I.’
Kerensa made a face at Polly, but not unkindly. ‘Well, tell me who my visitor is? It’s not the good Doctor Crebo, Reverend Ivey, Alice, Lady Rachael or Mrs Tregonning. I can tell by your face it’s someone who doesn’t usually call on me.’
‘You’re right,’ Polly replied, looking as if she wanted to say a lot more and was sorry she couldn’t. ‘It’s a Miss Rosina Pearce.’
‘Rosina! This is a welcome surprise. Show her in at once, Polly.’
‘Don’t get up, Kerensa,’ Rosina implored her, as she shyly entered the room, ‘I don’t want to tire you.’
‘Sit down,’ Kerensa invited, as Polly departed to fetch the inevitable tea tray, ‘and make yourself comfortable, Rosina. We’re both recovering at the moment. How are you? It’s good to see you again.’
Rosina was wearing good quality clothes and Kerensa, knowing she was staying at the house of Josephine Courtis, assumed the sharp-faced widow had provided them for her.
‘I’m very well, thank you, and I’m glad to see you’re getting over your ordeal. I’m sorry about Rudd Richard’s family, they were good people.’
‘Yes, it was a terrible tragedy,’ Kerensa said, moved close to tears as she was every time the Richards were mentioned or she thought of them.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t come to upset you, Kerensa.’ Rosina said humbly.
‘Oh, I’m all right, Rosina, don’t you get worried about me getting weepy, that’s not your fault. I’m delighted to see you, and now that… well, you can come as often as you like can’t you?’
‘I don’t know,’ Rosina answered in a small voice, ‘after you’ve heard what I’ve come to tell you, you might not want me calling on you again.’
Kerensa looked at her sharply and made to protest but Polly came in, poured the tea and left again, before she could ask Rosina what she meant. ‘It can’t be that bad, surely, Rosina? What could you possibly do to upset anyone that much, let alone me?’
Rosina looked at the tea in her cup, then up at Kerensa. ‘What if I say I’m going to marry Peter Blake?’
‘You’re what!’ Kerensa didn’t try to hide her shock.
Rosina put down her cup and saucer. ‘You probably know what happened at Colly’s hands up on Lancavel Downs? That Peter was there and I’ve been recovering at the home of his half-sister, Mistress Courtis?’
Kerensa stared and nodded.
‘For quite a while before Colly hurt me that last time, I had been meeting Peter secretly on the moors. I know what he did to you, Kerensa, it was despicable, and if you can’t forgive him, well, that’s understandable. But Peter was good to me, he never looked to hurt me or behave in any forward way at all. This is probably hard for you to understand, Kerensa, but we fell in love on those innocent meetings on the moors and now we’re getting married. I wanted to come and tell you myself. You’ve been a good friend to me and I believe I owe you that.’
Kerensa had gone a little pale. She gulped at her tea to give her time to think what to say. She didn’t want to hurt Rosina but the memories of Blake’s attack on her, and through that the loss of Dunstan, still filled her with pain. She could think of Peter Blake only with animosity.
‘When… when will this marriage take place?’ Kerensa said finally.
Rosina stood up. She knew, as she had expected, that Kerensa had received her news unfavourably.
‘I know it’s very quick, just three weeks since Peter took me away from Lancavel Downs, but we see no reason to wait. We don’t want any fuss so we’re getting married on special licence tomorrow. Only Peter’s half-sister and his housekeeper, and Matthias Renfree who’s befriended us, will be there. I’m sorry my news has distressed you, it wasn’t my intention. I’ll leave now. I hope you’ll soon be completely recovered. Good bye, Kerensa.’
‘Rosina!’ Kerensa pushed off the blanket and rushed to the other girl. ‘Please don’t leave like this. I can’t agree with what you’re doing… but I don’t want you to leave with any bad feelings between us.’
Rosina turned and smiled in her own serene way. ‘Thank you, Kerensa. I know you’ll find it hard to believe but Peter is sorry for what he did to you. I hope one day you will be able to forgive him, for your own sake as much as mine and his. I won’t come again, I know it wouldn’t be acceptable to you. You won’t be able to look at me without thinking of Peter and I would find it difficult not being able to talk about him. Perhaps one day in the future things will be different.’
‘Perhaps,’ Kerensa said, but not seeing how or when that would be. ‘It’s been a difficult year for us both, Rosina. And even Alice has trouble facing me at times because she feels guilty about marrying Clem. But that’s not fair because it was me who broke Clem’s heart and it’s no concern of mine what he does now. I do wish you happiness, Rosina. I hope it will turn out all right for you.’
They exchanged a brief hug and Rosina walked away to begin her new life. Kerensa sat down and wrapped the blanket around her tightly, and pondered sadly over the fact that yet another person in her life could now have very little to do with her.
A few days later Alice met Rosina at Marazion marketplace. Alice had been enjoying herself buying from the stalls. The previous night Clem had taken part in a smuggling run with Matthew King and Samuel Drannock, bringing in goods under canvas into Perranbarvah, and had given her the few shillings he had earned. She knew at once what she wanted to spend the money on, clothes for her baby, and had been set on buying them herself. She had nagged Florrie Trenchard, who had tried to insist she ought to stay at home with her feet up, until her mother-in-law had agreed on her going to market with Morley if she promised to be quick around the stalls and back to the farm cart.
Alice greeted Rosina with an affectionate hug and looked her up and down. ‘Well, you’re looking better than I’ve ever seen you, I’m glad to say,’ she said, cutting through the noise of the hawkers, the animal grunts and squawks, and two middle-aged women with the look of tradesmen’s wives who were arguing close by over their right to purchase a length of fine quality white lawn. Alice took pleasure in Rosina’s happy shining face and her elegant but simple new clothes and shoes.
‘Married life agrees with me,’ Rosina returned, sweeping herself and Alice out of the way of a small boy desperately chasing a runaway piglet. ‘I expect you heard…?’
‘Yes, Kerensa told me,’ Alice replied, not able to decide on a suitable expression for her face with her loyalty divided between her two friends, although she had been just as horrified as Kerensa at first.
‘I take it you don’t approve either?’
‘Well, I don’t know, Rosina,’ Alice said truthfully. ‘I understand Kerensa’s feelings… it’s rather a difficult situation. I suppose, when you look at it, all three of us have married men this year we wouldn’t have dreamt of. I have to admit you look radiant, Rosina, and if anyone deserves some happiness it’s you.’
‘Thank you, Alice,’ Rosina beamed. ‘How are you keeping these days?’
‘Well, not without my little discomforts,’ she said, smoothing a hand down over her bulge. ‘Anyway, I’m here to buy some clothes for this little one. Would you like to help me choose?’
‘I’d love to,’ Rosina replied, catching some of her excitement.
Alice was able to bypass the cheaper stalls and went straight to one known for its high quality because there was another sum of money burning a hole in her purse, one of the guineas Sir Oliver Pengarron had given to her, and she knew Clem would take little interest in what she bought or ask the cost. Alice was proud to be able to spend freely in front of Rosina, who was now a rich man’s wife, and proud that her baby would begin its life in clothes of superior quality and appearance to those a working-class baby usually wore. With Rosina’s encouragement she bought three beautifully smocked gowns, skeins of yellow and blue wool, to knit warm clothes for the baby’s first winter, and a bolt of woollen material to make soft warm blankets.
Alice was glowing as Rosina walked along beside her, carrying her parcels, but kept stopping to raise each foot alternately and relieve it of her weight.
Rosina looked down at Alice’s dusty hemline. ‘You need a good rest off those poor feet of yours. Come back with me to our rooms over the shoemaker’s and have some tea.’
‘Well, I don’t know about that,’ she said doubtfully. ‘Are you sure your husband won’t mind?’
‘No, no. Peter will be delighted. Please come,’ Rosina implored, smiling radiantly. ‘I haven’t had a visitor of my own there yet. You will be the first… please, Alice?’
‘Oh, go on then, just for a little while,’ she capitulated, but for Rosina’s sake rather than for herself.
Linking her other arm through Alice’s, Rosina led the way through the heaving throng of people intent only on their own business, then helped Alice to climb the stairs over Angarrack’s shop.
‘You will have to keep off your feet more, Alice, if you can,’ Rosina counselled, turning her key in the lock and ushering her guest into a large comfortable sitting room. ‘Give me your shawl and choose the chair you will be most comfortable in.’
A girl of twelve appeared in the room and curtseyed to them both. ‘Shall I make fresh tea for ’ee, Mistress Blake?’ she asked shyly, ending with a giggle.
‘Yes, please, Kate.’ Rosina smiled at the young girl to put her at her ease. ‘You know Mrs Trenchard, don’t you?’
Alice greeted Kate, the daughter of the late miner Richard Astley, who quickly made off to the kitchen.
‘It was good of you to take on little Kate, Rosina,’ she remarked as she allowed her feet to be put up on an upholstered stool. ‘You’re as bad as Clem’s mother, gran and little sister,’ she added lightly, ‘they’re always on about me taking things easier.’
‘Well, if a woman can’t be pampered at a time like this, when can she?’ Rosina said, piling cushions behind Alice’s back. ‘There,’ she said when satisfied. ‘You were saying something about Kate? Oh, yes. Peter’s housekeeper is very good but inclined to outbursts of hysterics. He wanted me to have someone calmer about the place when he had to go out, to fetch and carry for me while I was getting better. Kate will be glad it’s you who’s here today, she’s terrified of Peter’s sister.’
‘Are you completely recovered now, Rosina?’ Alice asked, in the way one can only to a friend.
‘Yes,’ the other girl answered at once, her voice dropping with each succeeding word, ‘it’s only a short time since Colly nearly killed me and I’ve forgiven him for that. I’d feel a lot better if I knew where he is and if he’s well.’
‘Someone will find him soon, I’m sure.’
But Rosina was under no such illusions. ‘To be honest with you, Alice, I think Colly must be dead.’
She nodded. She could think of nothing to say about Colly Pearce that his sister would like to hear. ‘I thought at one time you and Matthias Renfree might marry,’ she said instead.
‘I think a lot of people shared your belief. He was on the verge of asking me once, but lost his nerve.’
‘Really? Would you have accepted him?’
‘No.’
‘Why not? If you don’t mind me asking.’
‘I wasn’t in love with him, and Matthias Renfree seems to be married to his calling.’
‘You love your husband though, don’t you?’ Alice smiled, won over by Rosina’s contentment with her new life. ‘That much is obvious to me.’
‘Yes, in spite of the dreadful things he’d done in the past, I love Peter very much.’ Rosina smiled back, pleased the fact was so apparent.
‘Bless you, Rosina. You always see the best in people, I could never be like that.’
‘You’re as good as the next person, Alice. And it’s probably best we’re all different. Excuse me while I go and fetch the tea tray. Kate can’t manage to carry it by herself yet.’
Alone in the room, Alice looked around. It wasn’t as richly furnished as any of the rooms of Pengarron Manor, but it was another rich man’s dwelling she would never have dreamt of being invited into to take tea with the wife. If she had been there before she would have noticed the rapid changes Blake had had made for his new bride. Now, new curtains, coverings and cushions, carpets, pictures and ornaments with a distinctly feminine touch, chosen by Josephine Courtis, had replaced the previously typically austere bachelor appearance.
‘You’ve obviously seen Kerensa since I called on her if she told you about me and Peter. How was she, Alice?’ asked Rosina when they were sipping their tea.
‘Getting stronger every day, thank the Lord, almost back to normal. That fever nearly did for her, left her so weak. I don’t think I’ve ever been so frightened in all my life as I was throughout that night. She was terribly upset when she heard about the Richards.’
‘I hear Rudd Richards has packed up and left the farm, poor man.’
‘Yes. According to what Clem told me, the cause of the fever was an underground spring running beneath the outdoor closet. It tainted the drinking supply. Rudd wasn’t affected much because of his liking for buttermilk and ale. Strange, isn’t it? For all their filthy ways, the cause of their deaths was something that couldn’t have been foreseen.’
‘What becomes of a man who loses everything?’ Rosina said with a faraway look in her eyes. Then, her delicate features brightening again, she asked, ‘When are you expecting your baby to be born, Alice?’
‘About three months from now, according to Gran Donald,’ she answered, patting her spreading middle. ‘Beatrice, though, reckons it’ll come early.’
‘Peter and I are hoping for a large family, four or five at least.’
Alice raised her skirt to display her swollen ankles. ‘You may change your mind if you end up like this,’ she said with feeling, then added on a lighter note, ‘Still, be all worth it when she’s born.’
‘She?’ Rosina smiled. ‘Are you so sure it’s going to be a little girl?’
‘It had better be,’ Alice said, half-seriously. ‘I’ve always wanted to have my own daughter.’
‘I’ll pray for an easy delivery for you,’ Rosina promised. ‘I’m coming to the next Bible class at Jeb Bray’s. It will be good to see everyone again, ’specially the children.’
‘Oh? Any chance of your husband coming along as well? Do you think he’d get a favourable welcome if he did?’
‘Peter says if he finds he would be accepted, he may go along sometime and sit and listen. Matthias Renfree calls on us occasionally, and they argue for hours over the Gospel and the need to have faith. Peter’s a bit naughty, getting the preacher all fired up like he does, but Matthias has a wonderful sense of humour. I don’t know if Peter’ll ever change from his unbelief, but as Preacher Renfree says, at least he thinks and hasn’t shut his mind completely.’
‘Well, it will be good to see you back where you belong again, Rosina. No one’s sat in your little corner since you were last there, you know.’
A key turning in the outside lock caused Rosina to look up expectantly. Peter Blake didn’t even notice Alice’s presence as he crossed the room and tenderly kissed his wife.
‘We have a guest, Peter,’ she said, blushing prettily.
‘Oh,’ said Blake, looking round the room until his eyes rested on Alice.
‘This is Mrs Clem Trenchard, Peter. Her husband farms with his father on Trecath-en Farm. Alice, my husband, Peter.’
Rosina spoke with pride and Alice saw that the unwholesome look she had always found distasteful on Peter Blake’s handsome face had now gone.
‘I’m pleased to make your acquaintance, Mrs Trenchard,’ he said amicably, briefly shaking her hand. ‘Your name is Alice… let me see, you were once a bal-maiden with Rosina at the Wheal Ember, am I right?’
‘Yes, Mr Blake, you are,’ she answered, taken aback. She felt rather self-conscious sitting in her working clothes, her dusty shoes up on his furniture, the relaxed position accentuating her approaching motherhood. She had not expected him to know anything about her or to refer to Rosina’s past life.
Blake sat down beside his wife, and without embarrassment he and Rosina held hands.
‘Rosina has told me about everyone who comes from Lancavel Downs, Mrs Trenchard,’ he explained. ‘You were a friend of hers. I’m grateful to anyone who was kind to her.’
‘It was Rosina who was kind to me, and to everyone else,’ Alice said.
‘Have you two ladies been chatting over old times?’
‘Yes,’ Rosina answered. ‘Do you want tea and biscuits, Peter?’
‘Yes, please, my dearest,’ he said, raising a hand to kiss it. ‘Pour the tea in your cup to save Kate bringing another.’
Alice watched with growing amazement as Rosina poured tea, passed the cup to her husband, following it with a plate of biscuits – all without the two of them taking their eyes off each other. She began to feel forgotten.
‘Well,’ she said, struggling to her feet, ‘I really must be going. Clem’s father will be waiting by the animal pens for me by now and I don’t want him to start worrying.’
Peter and Rosina Blake rose together. ‘We’ll see you safely down over the stairs, Alice,’ Rosina said.
Her ankles were so swollen by the evening that Alice was ordered off early to bed. Clem came into the lean-to to change his shirt before having his supper. It was the first Alice had seen of him since dawn that morning.
‘Had a busy day, Clem?’ she said cheerfully.
‘Mmm… been building hedges on our boundaries,’ he answered.
Clem was in one of his quiet thoughtful moods and Alice knew he didn’t want to talk. After supper he would go off somewhere with Charity, and not return until he came to bed in the small hours of the following morning.
‘Mother said your ankles are swollen again,’ he said, pulling off his shirt, then sitting on the bed as he unfolded the clean one.
Stretching across the bed Alice put her face on his bare back and wound her arms around his waist. Clem stiffened at once.
‘Don’t do that.’
‘Why not?’
His reply was not unexpected. Alice had heard it before. ‘It’s not proper, for one thing.’
Her heart always sank a little when Clem was cool towards her, as he often was. She knew if it was Kerensa he was married to, he would be as loving a husband as Peter Blake appeared to be. Clem wasn’t unkind to her and was gently considerate when making love, but those occasions were becoming less frequent, he using her pregnancy as a convenient excuse, she felt. There had been a new feeling of closeness between them when she had backed him against the advice of his father, mother and grandmother in going over to the Manor on hearing just how ill Kerensa was. But it had not lasted long and she had fought back her disappointment. Instead she clung to the hope things would improve when their child was born, but up to now he had shown a total lack of interest in that too.
Alice straightened up and picked up her knitting. ‘I got your Sunday boots mended for you in town today,’ she said, trying to keep her hurt feelings under control.
‘Thanks.’
‘Oh, look, Clem!’ she exclaimed.
He turned round, his shirt halfway over his head. ‘What’s up?’
‘Look at this,’ she pointed to her stomach, ‘the baby’s moving. I’ve been hoping you’d get a chance to see it.’
Clem peered past her pointing fingers and gave a small shiver. ‘Ugh, looks like a rat moving about in a sack of potatoes.’
‘Clem! That’s your son or daughter you’re talking about in there.’ Alice took his hand and tried to guide it towards her body but he snatched it away. ‘Touch my stomach, Clem. It won’t hurt you. It feels funny.’
‘I’d rather not,’ he said with distaste.
Alice cast her knitting down at the end of the bed and said with a sob in her voice, ‘You don’t seem very interested in our baby, Clem.’ She turned her face away. There would be no point in showing him the things she had bought for the child.
He moved closer, placing a hand either side of her on the bed. He knew he had upset her and was sorry. ‘It’s not that, Alice. I feel a bit afraid of it, that’s all.’
‘Of the baby?’ She turned back.
‘Yes. Honestly,’ Clem stressed. ‘I was afraid of Rosie when she was born. I didn’t even touch her until she could walk. Ask Mother or Gran.’
‘Oh, Clem.’ She stroked his fine hair. His eyes were so blue when he was concerned over something. Alice kissed his cheek and he did the same to her and allowed her to do up the front of his shirt.
Now she had him feeling contrite, she tried again at keeping his interest for a reasonable length of time. ‘You’ll never guess who I had tea with in Marazion today, Clem.’
‘Tea? Let me see,’ he teased, pulling one of her curls. ‘Well, it had to be someone well-heeled… Mayor Oke, Cap’n Solomon, and Mother Clarry?’
‘No, no,’ she laughed. ‘Rosina and Peter Blake.’
Clem jumped up as though the bed was red hot. ‘What!’ He was furious, so furious that Alice felt nervous with him for the first time. ‘I don’t believe this!’ he shouted, banging his fist on the wall.
‘What’s the matter?’ she said feebly. ‘Why are you so angry, Clem?’
‘Have you forgotten what that bastard did to Kerensa? What he tried to do to her?’ His voice was getting louder.
‘No, of course not.’ Alice spoke rapidly in the hope he would calm down, becoming afraid of what her in-laws would think about Clem shouting at her. ‘I met Rosina in the market actually, she was by herself at the time, and I was tired so she invited me to their rooms for some tea. I can’t see that I did wrong by accepting, Clem.’
‘Oh, don’t you?’ he went on at the same speech level. ‘Peter Blake would have raped Kerensa without fear or regret if Jack and I hadn’t stopped him. Not to mention unmercifully kicking an old defenceless dog near to death. The only thing I can say in favour of that swine Kerensa is married to is, he beat the hell out of Blake. It’s a pity he didn’t do the job properly and finish the bastard off.’
‘But Peter Blake’s a changed man now, Clem. You wouldn’t believe he was the same since he married Rosina.’
‘I don’t give a damn about that! I’ve never understood how that girl could marry him,’ Clem hurled at her, ‘particularly with Matthias Renfree taking an interest in her.’
‘He was only going to marry her out of pity because, like all you men, he didn’t have the guts to stand up to her brother!’ Alice retorted, defending her actions.
‘But not many people marry for love, do they, Alice?’ Clem said spitefully, his body shaking as he leaned forward and pointed a finger at her. ‘You weren’t in the Manor that day. You didn’t see that poor animal. You didn’t see how distressed Kerensa was, her face badly bruised from the punch he gave her. I’ll never forgive that bastard Blake as long as I live!’
Alice had never seen him like this before. Huddled up in the corner of the bed she was frightened, angry and humiliated. ‘I might not have been at the Manor that day,’ she shouted back, sobbing, ‘but you shouldn’t have been there either. I don’t believe for a minute you went over to see Nathan O’Flynn. It was her, wasn’t it? Kerensa. Always Kerensa!’
‘Shut up!’
‘Why won’t you admit it, Clem Trenchard, that she’s married to someone else?’ Alice screamed hysterically. ‘She could have married you but she didn’t, and I’m your wife, not her. You got me pregnant, you all but forced me the first time. It’s time you faced up to reality and forgot her. I know you’re still hanging about just to catch a glimpse of her—’
His face had grown red and ugly. ‘Shut your filthy mouth, you bitch!’ he snarled. ‘You’re not fit even to mention that girl’s name!’
It made Alice gulp in shock. She would never have believed before that Clem could behave in such a cruel irrational way. To say the vicious things that spilled out of his mouth was worse than any obscenity. His whole manner was menacing. It terrified her that all the time, underneath his quiet moody exterior, such hatred and passion had lain, only waiting for something like her visit to the Blakes’ home to provide the excuse for him to explode.
And yet she could not stop herself. ‘The trouble with you, Clem, is you’re really angry with yourself. You could have stopped her from marrying Oliver Pengarron if you’d really tried to, but you just stepped aside and let it happen. That’s what is really eating away inside you, isn’t it? Isn’t it?’
The words were out before she knew it. ‘I’m sorry, Clem,’ she cried, trying desperately to grab hold of him, but he roughly fought her off. ‘I’m sorry!’
The look in his eyes silenced her and she put a hand over her open mouth. She had spoken too close to the truth.
Very slowly and quietly, he said, ‘I hate you.’ He turned sharply and stormed out of the room, making the door rock violently on its hinges.
Alice stayed still, huddled in a corner of the narrow bed, until Gran Donald came into her. She was staring into space and shivering with the shock of the brutal row. The old woman pulled her shawl round her shoulders.
‘Get yourself under the covers, m’dear,’ she said kindly, sweeping back the sheet and patchwork coverlet. ‘I’ll get you a blanket from the linen chest, you’re quite frozen.’
Alice obeyed mechanically. She lay down and let Gran Donald place the covers over her and tuck them in at the sides of the bed. How could this have happened? How could a day she had enjoyed so much come to such a terrible end? She blamed herself for her stupidity in telling Clem where she had gone. She should have realised he would be angry with her for going to Peter Blake’s rooms.
If only she had not said all those things to him. Not hit on the truth of his innermost dark brooding feelings and tapped the wound, ripped it open. To allow the poison to burst to the surface, to be expelled with such a dangerous awesome force, and engulf them both.
It hurt so much, it cut painfully and deeply inside her, to know he loved Kerensa so overwhelmingly – to the point that even talking of a man who had once harmed her could scour his soul and turn all of his deep-rooted bitterness on his own wife.
Damn you, Kerensa Pengarron! You’ve got a husband who has grown to love you, and you don’t even realise it! You live up in that big house and hold Clem, who should belong to me, by invisible strings. Let him go, why don’t you let him go? Alice’s distress was so great she could not hear Gran Donald speaking to her.
‘Would you like me to get you a hot drink, Alice? It’ll warm ’ee up.’
She clumsily pulled herself into a sitting position. ‘Where’s Clem gone?’ she said hazily, her lower lip trembling as she spoke.
‘He went out, maid. I believe he’s found a litter of kittens for ’ee. Gone to check on ’em, I ’spect. You’ll be able to pick one out for yourself soon.’
‘He won’t come back.’ Alice began to cry, her whole body shaking.
Gran Donald put her arms round the girl and rocked her ample body. ‘Now don’t you take on so, m’dear. There’s no need to upset yourself like this. All married folk do have a quarrel sometime or other.’
‘Not like this, Gran,’ Alice sobbed wretchedly. ‘I never really had Clem. Now I never will.’