Reply All … And Other Ways to Tank Your Career

Your colleagues are a lot like your extended family—except that you spend much more time with your coworkers than you do with your relatives. So inevitably, they wind up being a large part of your social circle. Some of my closest friends are people I met at work. One guy I met at a job served as a groomsman at my wedding. We became friends the same way we all do as kids, by randomly being thrown into a situation together and hitting it off. However, not all offices are welcoming places where you will fall head over heels for your colleagues. In fact, it is likely that at some point in your career you will be at a job where you have to patiently tolerate your coworkers until 5:00 P.M. strikes.

The thing to remember is that no matter how hard you work or how smart you are, it’s the relationships you build in your job that will either forward or tank your career.

Socializing at work takes many forms, from dining with colleagues and superiors, to sharing a workstation, to holiday gatherings, and even exercising in the company gym. Having worked in large corporations and in small companies, I’ve had the chance to witness the different dynamics of workplace social interaction on both sides of the spectrum. But the one similarity is that whether you work in an office of six or a conglomerate of 6,000, you will inevitably be drawn to someone or a group of people who share your opinions, values, and sense of humor. The tricky bit is that you won’t always get to work with them. You may have to work with people with whom you have zilch in common. And you will have to make the best of it.

So before you walk into the office for the day, take a good hard look around you and ask yourself this question: How much do I really want to be around these people?

If your answer is “I can see my coworkers becoming real friends” then you are well on your way to properly handling anything that comes your way since you have that comfortable group to lean on. However, if your answer is, “Someone save me!” well, in that case, you have an uphill battle ahead of you. But have no fear, with a little reality check and a willingness to develop your social skills, you can have a much more productive professional life (even if your colleagues are trolls).

When it comes to socializing with coworkers, I recommend having an open mind about everyone around you. You never know when someone who is really quiet may actually be incredibly fascinating. You have to give everyone a chance and not jump to conclusions or trust your assumptions. Don’t put up a wall because you don’t want to be someone’s BFF on day one. You don’t have to be. But you do have to make an effort. And that effort, and ability to step outside of your own comfort zone, could lead to some surprising career developments.

Modern Manners Guy’s Top 10 Tips for Socializing at Work

Tip #1: Dining with Coworkers

Dining with coworkers is a great way to build camaraderie and it’s usually the only time of the day when you can unwind and take off your “corporate jacket” for an hour. In one of my previous jobs, I’d meet up with a group of coworkers to grab a coffee or lunch in the company cafeteria every day. It was always the best part of the day. Dining with coworkers lets you learn a lot about people that you never knew (and maybe never even considered). For example, perhaps you’d be surprised to find out that quiet Jeannie from accounting has a black belt in karate, or that snobby Tom volunteers at a dog shelter on the weekends. Spending time with colleagues outside the workplace is a valuable opportunity because it allows for closer interaction and helps you develop a better and more confident professional personality. However, sometimes these dining episodes can quickly go south, and fast.

When dining with coworkers, you can (and should) let your hair down a bit; however, remember that you’re still “at work,” even if you’re in the neighborhood pizza joint. Should we really bet Mike $5 that he can’t catch a meatball in his mouth after tossing it up in the air? I want to say “Yes” so badly because we all know that it will splatter across his face, which is hilarious, but the proper—and professional—answer is of course “No.”

The bottom line is that even if you’re dining with some of your best work friends, you’re still in a professional environment. You’re amongst coworkers, even managers, and so should behave more formally than you would at your annual Super Bowl party. Here are five go-to tips to remember:

1. Wait for everyone to arrive before ordering. The only caveat to this rule is if someone is going to be substantially late. In this case, you can always start with appetizers until they arrive. If they are going to be more than thirty minutes late, you can proceed with the meal.

2. Don’t order a messy meal that makes you look like a contestant at the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Stick to a manageable sandwich, salad, or an entrée that can be easily eaten with a fork and knife. Avoid the Sloppy Joe.

3. Wait until everyone gets their meal before you start eating. And when your plate arrives, don’t dive at it like a rabid dog on a bone.

4. Allow your colleagues (especially the ladies) to order first.

5. Place a napkin in your lap.

The general precepts of personal hygiene and etiquette should remain intact when eating with colleagues. You not only want to keep your area of the table—and yourself—neat, but also your conversation. This isn’t the time or the place to announce what you would like to “do” to the smokin’ hot waiter or waitress that is serving you.

Tip #2: Splitting the Bill

Allow me to paint you a picture of a very typical situation: You and three coworkers go to lunch. You have a soup and soda totaling $5. Your colleagues have an entrée and a drink totaling $15 each. At the end of the meal, someone—who will inevitably be a repeat offender—blithely says, “Alright, that’s $50 plus tip … So everyone just put in $20 and we’re good to go.” Whoa, what was that? That, my friends, is the sound of you getting screwed.

It’s unfair and downright impolite to have others subsidize your meal. Unless it’s a special occasion and I’m treating you or hosting the dinner, I don’t want to be responsible for your gluttony. There are two major things that bother me about people who always want to split the bill:

1. They take advantage of you by using the excuse of “let’s just split it” so they can save a few bucks. What, you think they didn’t see their much larger meal next to yours? They did. And they’re being a complete ass about it by trying to dupe you into paying for them.

2. People suck at simple math. Ever watch someone look at a receipt like it’s Egyptian hieroglyphics, trying to decipher it? Everyone has a smartphone these days with a calculator on it that can easily count what each person at the table owes. Don’t let someone skip out on paying their fair share just because they say, “Ah, screw it, I can’t figure this out. Let’s just split it.” Most of the time, this is the moron from Example #1.
Not only is this tasteless, it is also foolish because it assumes that everyone is on the same financial footing. Someone may have ordered a smaller meal because they weren’t that hungry or because they simply couldn’t afford it. I recently went to a dinner meeting at a high-end restaurant with two extremely wealthy people. I could not afford to eat the way they could: pricey appetizer, $60 steak, two glasses of wine, and an extravagant dessert. So I kept to a reasonable limit that would not make me seem rude, nor force me to call my credit card company for a balance increase. Thankfully they didn’t notice or care. But they also didn’t jump to “Let’s split it” when the bill arrived.

When someone clearly orders less than others in your group, only to end up spending much more than they ever planned because some joker said, “Let’s split it,” it’s a clear violation of everything mannerly. Plus it’s just tacky.

The key to harmonious meals with coworkers is to just keep track of what you ordered, so you won’t be surprised when the bill comes. If you know you’ve only spent $25 but the bill-splitter is telling you that you owe $75, play dumb. Ask, “Geez, how can that be when my entrée was $20 and I didn’t have any drinks or appetizers? Are you sure the bill is right?” At that point Joe Order the Whole Menu will be shamed into rethinking his bill-splitting strategy.

“Okay, so there are four of us here. Split evenly, that’s $125 a person. You guys want to do cash or credit?”

If the discrepancy between what you ordered and what you owe is a small amount—say, a few dollars—then you should just let it go. In the end, having to divide up that little amount will just be a hassle for everyone and make you look petty. However, when splitting the bill puts you seriously into the red, you have to say something. I find that the people who try to pull this crap do so repeatedly and you don’t want to get caught in their pattern. So look at the bill, do your own math, and then decide if it’s worth saying something. If it is, don’t make a federal case. Keep it light, make a joke, and simply put down the amount for which you are responsible. This way, you are making a firm stand that this will not happen again.

Tip #3: Cliques

When we think of cliques, we tend to imagine the cool kids in high school—the jocks, the pretty people, the mean girls, the rebels, etc. Basically, everything that makes teen movies so epic. But workplace cliques are not at all like what you experienced in high school, they are much more professional and mature … or not.

It’s only natural to be drawn to certain people who have a lot more in common with you. Maybe they work on the same projects, or enjoy talking about the same things, or are closer to your age. Regardless of the reason, you will ultimately prefer to be around some colleagues more than others, just like in your personal life.

Some say that office cliques are bad for the workplace because they foster isolation or alienation; however, that’s only the case if people act like they’re twelve. Cliques are in fact healthy for the office setting. After all, if you have a stressful day or screw up an assignment, isn’t it always easier to commiserate with someone who understands what you’re going through? That’s what your office clique does.

The one caveat is if the clique turns into a closed circle where no new members are welcome. This is something that will breed isolation and alienation and should not be allowed at all. When you do form your core group of friends at work, don’t maintain a members-only policy. If you happen to be heading out to lunch and pass a fellow coworker in the hallway, invite them along. If you are going out for someone’s birthday, ask if anyone else would like to join. This way you won’t get a bad reputation that will likely follow you all the way to HR.

People are motivated when their leader knows them well and is approachable. On the other hand, it’s problematic to be too close to those who work for you because the emotional drama can be terrible. Employees can also take their position for granted because they can feel like they don’t have to perform if they are buds with the boss. So the goal is to be right in the middle. I try to always have personal relationships with those who work for me while keeping a safe enough distance where they know that business comes first.

—Sam Tarantino, cofounder and CEO of Grooveshark

Tip #4: Casual Talk

I have a confession to make: I curse … a lot. I’m not proud of it and I’m trying very hard to fix it. However, I believe that sometimes dropping a colorful four-letter word is the only thing that’ll get the point across. There is one stipulation to this belief: It’s all about timing and location. For starters, cursing at the TV umpire for yet another bad call during the World Series is OK; cursing loudly in public or around kids is just tacky. And of course, you have to be extra careful with your language in a professional setting.

Don’t get me wrong, there will be plenty of occasions when coworkers will annoy you, tempers will flare, you’ll get into a heated debate, and want to rant like the filthiest sailor in the seven seas. But … you can’t. Your boss might let a few choice words fly, but as the junior person in the group, you simply don’t have that luxury.

Say you’re in a meeting with your colleagues and Bill veers from reviewing the latest marketing analysis to a recap of a Mad Men episode. You’ll probably want to lean to the person next to you and whisper, “What the f—k is Bill talking about?” Just be judicious. If the coworker is a friend and you know they’re comfortable with your language, that’s fine. But what if the colleague is someone you don’t know quite as well? What if they take offense and complain to their boss about your inappropriate language? Why take the chance? Whatever you do, just keep it quiet because cursing out loud is absolutely unacceptable in a meeting scenario. When you curse, it shows a lack of control and professionalism. Neither of which is good for your bottom line.

Additionally, not everyone may get your sense of humor. The best comedians are able to utilize swear words in a way that fits the punch line beautifully. It’s like how an artist adds the right touch of a certain color to accent a shadow in a painting. Is it essential? Maybe not. But when it’s there, it just makes sense and you couldn’t imagine the piece without it.

Guaranteed, at your office there will be at least one person who curses way too much and thinks they are hilarious:

“So the other day, this f____n guy was in front of me, ordering a f____n turkey sandwich and he starts ordering it with all kinds of f____n toppings and s—t. I was like, hold the f—k up, my man!”

This isn’t funny, isn’t cool, and simply shows you have no class and a tiny … vocabulary. When we curse, we tend to do so to prove a point or emphasize one. So if you use it all the time, it loses its meaning, its power, and its emphasis. Choose your words wisely to make sure they have the maximum impact. In the end, cursing in the office is usually a turnoff. It doesn’t always land the way it was meant to and some words can be downright offensive. If you have to curse, only do it in private, with someone you trust who doesn’t mind, or when you are by yourself and away from others.

The only exception is if you spill hot coffee on yourself … because when that happens, you can’t help but let rip a few choice expletives. In that case, everyone will understand.

The Pros Weigh In: SPIKE MENDELSOHN
Owner of Good Stuff Eatery and We, The Pizza, former cast member of Bravo’s Top Chef

When it comes to socializing with coworkers, there is no better experience than dining. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the small kitchen of your office, at a nearby coffee shop, or at a five-star restaurant (if the latter … are you hiring?). And if you’re reading this and saying you’re too busy for lunch … you’re not. No one is that important that they can’t take a little time out for a meal.

Make time.

It’s called being social.

If you still want to put up the facade of “all-work-no-play” then make it a working lunch. There, happy?

If there is one type of person who knows how to make people feel comfortable in social settings, it’s a chef. After all, a chef makes a living by pleasing people’s tastes and sensing what works for them and what doesn’t. That’s why I scored an interview with one of the coolest cats to don the double-breasted white chef’s coat, Spike Mendelsohn. You may know Spike as the fast-talking, eclectic cast member of Bravo’s Top Chef, or if you’re lucky enough to visit one of his famous restaurants Good Stuff Eatery and We, The Pizza. Spike has been in the culinary industry his entire life, from working with his family to running posh kitchens in Europe. Now, his restaurants in the heart of our nation’s capital have become hotbeds for office dwellers coming in droves to taste the delicious items from his menu. So Spike is used to observing colleagues socializing over a good meal.

I recommend that you find someone who you can look up to as a mentor. So many young people venture into the working world thinking that their ideas are new, innovative, and therefore better. But, let me tell you, we can all learn a thing or two from those who have been in the business for a while. I am lucky enough that my mom has been a mentor to me. She knows more than I ever will. Even if I disagree, or know that she is wrong, hearing the old-school approach or having a second perspective always has its benefits.

Any chance you have to grab someone who has something to teach you for a meal or just a cup of coffee, you should take full advantage of it and use the time as an opportunity to build your professional confidence.

Everyone has different tastes. If you don’t know the associate too well, pick a restaurant with a menu that satisfies all palates. The restaurant doesn’t need to be fancy or the new it-spot, but quality food and a nice ambiance go a long way.

Note from Modern Manners Guy: For the record, having dined at Spike’s restaurants, I can tell you there is nothing better than Spike’s Toasted Marshmallow Milkshake. Yes, his burgers and pizza can only be described as heaven on a plate, but the fat kid in me loves a good milkshake. So after downing two (one at my meal and one in the car ride home) I can tell you I left Good Stuff Eatery feeling amazing and ashamed at the same time, which is the ultimate sign of a good meal.

Tip #5: The Office Locker Room

For as long as I can remember, going to the gym has been a constant in my life. Whether it’s free weights or cardio, finishing a workout is incredibly satisfying and rewarding. When I started at my current job, I discovered an amazing gym on the first floor open to all employees. Working out with coworkers is a great way to bond, knock out some stress, and talk about work in a much more casual setting. However, nothing can ruin a good workout like seeing your colleagues breaking every gym etiquette rule as if there was a contest to see who could be the most foul.

Yes, the locker room is meant for showering and changing, but the office gym is not your personal bathroom. I mean, towels were invented for a reason—use one! Don’t walk around like the star of a National Geographic documentary. Even if you have, um, gifts that would make most doctors gasp and say, “Nurse, get my sketchpad! I have to document this,” the gym is not the place to shake what your momma gave you.

Unless the building is on fire, or you are on fire and you don’t have time to put a towel on, I suggest wrapping one around you before starting up a friendly convo with your colleagues. Same goes for when you are doing your hair at the sink. Just put your pants on—I beg you! Your hair won’t get messed up if you take three seconds to zip up. And should you be on the receiving end of a colleague (or even your boss) who decides it’s a good idea to strut their stuff in the communal locker room, simply hand them a towel and say casually, “Hey, here you go. I grabbed two by accident.”

Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you are among those people who find washing your hands too much of a chore, please stay away from the office locker room. My four-year-old daughter knows to wash her hands after using the restroom, but apparently this rule has been forgotten by some adults. I was in the company locker room after a workout once and I saw a colleague come in to use the bathroom. He wore his weight-lifting gloves into the stall, did his business, and walked right back out to the gym. You can bet that those gloves have soaked up enough germs to make our friends at the CDC want to confine them to an isolated glass room in their laboratory.

Remember what I said about making first and lasting impressions on the people at your office? (See chapter 1.) Well, this goes double for when you are at the office gym. If you don’t wash your hands, you can bet someone will notice and word will spread … just like those germs (sorry, I had to go there). The office locker room does not offer the same freedom as your gym locker room. Your colleagues don’t want to see you naked. Well, maybe that one person in accounting who keeps sending you e-mail invitations to see their awesome antique marbles collection, but otherwise, no one.

Tip #6: Gift-Giving

During the holidays, many companies like to have an interoffice gift exchange amongst the staff. It’s a great way to socialize, build morale, and ring in some holiday cheer after a long, hard year. These gift exchanges usually go one of two ways: very well or extremely badly. (What, were you expecting something more profound?)

It seems that for whatever reason the biggest faux pas around gift exchanges occur when someone doesn’t follow the rules of the game. For example, there is a classic episode of The Office where Michael Scott (played by Steve Carell) gets someone an iPod as a Secret Santa gift, even though the limit for gifts was set at $20. Then, when he receives an oven mitt from his Secret Santa, he flips out.

Here is a perfect example of how not following directions can make you look like a fool. Ironically, in just about every workplace, there is one person like Steve Carell’s character who decides to derail the office holiday gift train to make themselves feel good about their own generosity. This never works.

Let’s say the rules dictate that all Secret Santa participants must make cupcakes as their gift and instead, you bring a five-tier wedding cake. This will look like you are blatantly trying to outshine everyone else, and no one will appreciate that. Plus, you will make the person who receives your overblown gift feel incredibly guilty for playing by the rules and not returning the favor.

When participating in a holiday gift exchange, stick to the set guidelines. And if you still have the desire to give someone a gift in addition to the office-sanctioned one (maybe you are actually good friends outside of the office), then by all means, go for it. However, do that off hours and away from the workplace. You don’t want to draw any additional attention and get tongues wagging.

But what if you are the new person on the team and haven’t had a chance to get to know anyone yet? Suddenly, you’re launched into the midst of the gift exchange. You pull a name out of a hat and it says “Carl.” You find yourself wondering “Is that the guy in billing or the office manager?” How do you figure out what to get this almost-stranger? Well, you can stalk “Carl” or have his home bugged for info, but the best way is to actually talk to Carl. Shocking, right? Not really. Use the holidays as an opportunity to actually chat and build a better relationship, so you not only become better coworkers (or even friends), but also research what he’d like. Believe me, your coworker will be flattered when they open a gift from their Secret Santa and find that you bought them something that is linked to a conversation you had in the past. That shows you were listening and paying attention. Kudos!

Tip #7: Coworkers Selling Crap for Their Kids’ School

Anyone who works in an office has inevitably had a coworker approach them about a raffle or sale that their child, niece, nephew, or neighbor is doing for school. From cookies, to pies, to wrapping paper, to popcorn, kids are asked to hustle all kinds of things to raise money for their chronically underfunded schools (and, of course, to win prizes).

I’m all for this. There is nothing wrong with a little entrepreneurial spirit at a young age. Plus, I’m the biggest sucker in the world for those cookies. However, the selling of these goods falls mainly on the parents, aunts, uncles, or even the older siblings, not on the kids. And this pressure turns perfectly amiable coworkers into aggressive, crazed salespeople who act as if winning this contest will fund their child’s free ride to Harvard.

But before you double down for some chocolate chip cookies, make sure you know the ground rules for selling tickets to your little sister’s school raffle. Never assume it’s proper to set up your lemonade stand outside your cubicle and act like a carnival barker to hustle treats. The first step is to ask the boss if this is a sanctioned activity in the workplace. Make sure to let him or her know how much time you plan to dedicate to peddling your wares. After all, your work is more important than selling enough popcorn to win your niece a Hello Kitty purse.

Also, don’t badger your coworkers. If you tell me once that you are selling something, I don’t need to be reminded every ten minutes. If I say I’m not interested, stalking my office won’t help the cause. It’s rude to assume that everyone wants to shell out $20 for that five-pound tub of cookie batter. Ask once and that’s all. If they are interested, they will come to you, I promise.

Tip #8: There’s Something on Your Face

Artists say that inspiration can come from anywhere. And this topic was inspired by an experience I had of walking into a café with a blood-dotted tissue on my chin still hanging there from when I cut myself shaving that morning. I knew it was there while getting dressed, but forgot to remove it before leaving the house. It wasn’t a huge gash or anything but I did clearly cut myself. And apparently the two college kids behind the register at the coffeehouse didn’t seem to think it was a big deal … nor did the security guard at my work … nor did the four coworkers I ran into on the way in. Finally, a true friend said, “Dude, you’ve got a bloody tissue on your face.” Where was he two hours ago?!

I understand it’s tough to tell someone they have a foreign object stuck to their face, be it tissue or even a rogue booger. But let’s be honest, much of the time you know the person didn’t intend to walk around with something sticking to their nose. In fact, you can even hear their scream of shame (like my officemates did) once they are informed of the facial intruder.

Yes, it’s wrong to rudely point and laugh at someone, but at the same time, when done properly, it can be a kindness that can truly save the person from further embarrassment. And we can all appreciate that! I understand that it may appear impolite to point out a booger in someone’s nose, but we can all agree that letting them know is a lot better than allowing them to walk into a client meeting with an unsightly thing hanging from their chin.

So how do you tell someone they have a facial intruder? You have a few options. For starters, kindly whisper the person’s name to get their attention or tap their arm when no one else is looking. Then look around and gently brush your hand across your nose, along with giving them the nod to indicate they have something in theirs. It’s the international sign for “Dude, you’ve got a booger.” Or, when no one is looking, get the person’s attention and whisper, “Really quick, you have something in your nose.” And just as fast, they will take care of it and it’ll be done.

If these don’t work, revert back to high school and pass a note. One time a colleague of mine had something in her nose during a meeting. To save her the embarrassment, I typed “Got something in your nose” on my phone and showed it to her under the table, as if I was sharing an important e-mail. Worked like a charm and she quickly took care of things without anyone noticing. In the end, people will be incredibly thankful to you for taking the time and having the courage to discreetly assist them (emphasis on discreetly).

Tip #9: Discussing Politics at Work

In any big election year in the United States, there’s a time period from the spring to the fall when you can’t go five minutes without being caught up in the hoopla of politics. And as it gets closer to the presidential election, the annoyance of politicians promising world piece, low gas prices, and affordable health care gets even worse. When you turn on the TV, it seems that every other commercial is about a political candidate vying for your vote and explaining why their opponent is Satan. And when you click over to Facebook, chances are the discussion on your wall reads like a drunken ramble of diverging views about various candidates.

Even just driving to work, there are signs upon signs posted everywhere about who is the right person for the job. And then, once you get to your workplace, the debates continue to heat up. Everyone has an opinion, and wouldn’t you know it, everyone is correct!

I’m no political genius, but I know what I believe in and that’s about where my desire to discuss politics ends. I know that others will disagree with me, but that’s the beauty of living in America: we have the freedom to believe whatever we want and speak our minds. However, sometimes in the workplace, this liberty gets way, way, waaaaay out of hand and turns average employees into rude monsters.

For example, have you ever had a discussion with someone when all of a sudden they turn into the Incredible Hulk and start shouting at you? Or from the get-go, they feel their argument could only be made clear by ranting and raving like a madman? And when it comes to politics, people seem to get heated particularly quickly, which always turns into a match-up of who can be the loudest. I just don’t get this tactic.

The minute you lose control, you lose all credibility. When you start yelling like a trader on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange in the 1990s, no one in the office will want to talk to you about politics, or anything else. It’s highly unmannerly to argue with your coworkers in general, but getting into a shouting match in front of a roomful of colleagues is downright embarrassing!

Similar to a bar fight, if you really feel the need to duke it out, just take it outside, not into the office kitchen! If coworkers feel that they have to talk politics, then they need to do it only in designated areas—basically anywhere but at someone’s desk, office, or the kitchen—as well as set times. When is this time? Well, that’s for the big boss to figure out. I can only tell you when it’s not a good time: in a meeting, on a conference call with clients, at a holiday party, at a group outing, or at a baby shower.

Lastly, the best way to avoid having a political uproar in the office is to simply not allow the conversations to start in the first place. At my friend’s office, his boss was so superstitious about his favorite sports team winning the Super Bowl that every time someone even brought it up, they had to put $1 into a fishbowl as punishment. The money collected would go toward a pizza party during the game. This was not a ruse to get the employees to pay for pizza—it was a clever way to avoid a topic the boss had declared off limits during work hours. A brilliant idea!

Politics is not like the elephant in the room (no pun intended)—it is not something that has to be discussed. It has nothing to do with your job (unless you work at a campaign office) and therefore can be avoided during work hours. Or would you prefer to voice your opinion only to find that your boss disagrees completely and now thinks you are an idiot? Not worth it.

Tip #10: Office Snacking

Regardless of where you work it can be rough getting through a full day without completely feeling wiped out. So what do we do? We snack. I take my snacking very seriously. My colleagues know that when they come to my office, they’ll encounter a buffet of pretzels, candy, peanuts, and other assorted treats.

Many companies have designated snacking areas that help keep smells and sounds to a central location. Sometimes it’s in the kitchen, or in an empty cube no one is using, or even just a small bowl on the boss’ desk. Snack areas are the workplace version of tailgating. People bring in treats and next thing you know, it’s an all-out party. “What about that ten A.M. conference call? Nah, who cares, JoAnn brought in homemade cupcakes!”

But with snacks come wrappers, plates, napkins, utensils, etc., which all equal a lot of trash. Have you ever seen an office snack area after a big event? It looks like armageddon, with smeared remnants of JoAnn’s cupcakes and Steve’s apple turnover left in shambles as if savages just stormed through.

Apparently people forget their manners when it comes time to chow down. Some set up camp at that rogue desk housing the tasty snacks, leaving wrappers on the floor for the cleaning people to find. After all, that’s their job, right? No, it’s not. It’s a cleaning person’s job to clean up, but not scrape frosting off the walls because you couldn’t be bothered. Plus, it always shocks me when trash is left on tables or floors when there is a trashcan right in the area. Really, people?

When it comes to office snack etiquette, we must remember that we are adults, not toddlers at a birthday party. And the office is a place of business, not the Golden Corral on “All You Can Eat Tuesdays.” Yes, your fellow coworkers were nice enough to bring in tasty treats, but you must still maintain a certain level of professionalism.

After all, you wouldn’t show up to a meeting with a giant Doritos stain across your shirt, right? So why would you sabotage your space by leaving a mess? When you are snacking, be respectful of the office property and those around you. Use the trashcan. Wipe up whatever you spill and please, by all means, do not leave food out to rot and grow mold. Disgusting!

Additionally, office snacking is a communal activity. So if you do bring in snacks, it’s always proper to share. If you have a large stack of printer paper you’ve been saving for when you run out, and your coworker needs some, you should share, right? If you have the only working stapler that doesn’t get jammed, you should let others borrow it. And if you are taking part in office snacking, you should do your best to give back. I’m not saying you need to bring in a box of rare truffles from the South of France, but you should contribute something to the pot.

“Listen, Walt, some of the other staff finds your snacking habits a bit … well, nauseating. Any chance you can switch to popcorn or pretzels?”

But before you head out to buy your snacks, make sure you consider the people around you. You don’t want to be the person who brings in fancy organic energy bars made of potent rare spices only to start a chain reaction down the hall of, “What the f____k is that smell?” Stick with safe, dry options like pretzels, crackers, candy, etc. Avoid questionable snacks (don’t roll your eyes at me, fried pork rinds are questionable).

MODERN MANNERS GUY QUIZ

You are out to lunch with three of your coworkers. You colleagues order meals that cost $30 each, and your meal is only $10. When the check comes, someone says, “Let’s just split it.” This leaves you paying much more for what you ate. What do you do?

A Go with the flow and just cough up the extra dollars without saying anything. Stew in your own resentment.

B Do a “Dine and Dash” and find an excuse to bail before the bill comes.

C Put in $10, then as you go to reach for that extra $20, you pretend to faint and lie on the restaurant floor unconscious, hoping the distraction will get you out of paying more than you owe.

D Casually say, “Hey, guys, I only had that appetizer, so I’m going to put in $15. Sound good?”

Answer

D Always speak up when it comes to paying for what you owe. If the difference is just a couple of bucks (and you can afford it), then option A to go with the flow is fine. However, there comes a time when you are clearly being taken advantage of and that’s not acceptable. You are not being a bad sport by paying only what you owe—you are being a responsible adult.

(What’s that sound? Oh yeah, it’s the sound of the crushing debt you’ve racked up while in college.)

It may feel uncomfortable to speak up, but when you are clearly getting ripped off it’s worth standing up for yourself. The key is to say something casually without making a big issue out of it. Plus, if the people you are with can’t do the level of math it takes to divide up the check fairly, you probably don’t want to work with them.

MODERN MANNERS GUY SOCIALIZING AT WORK TOOL KIT

1 ALWAYS PACK CHANGE. When you dine out for lunch or dinner, most of the time a credit card is easiest and will be evenly used to split a bill. However, sometimes cash is king. I recommend having change for at least a $20 so if the bill comes, you can pay your exact amount and let the others worry about doing the math.

2 PROPER SNACKS. It’s one thing to walk into a meeting chewing gum (just kidding … it’s not cool at all), it’s quite another to bring a full-blown snack tray. You won’t starve if you don’t eat for an hour. If you bring food into the office, keep it in sealed packages so others won’t have to smell it. It’s hygienic and neat and will save you some awkward stares, plus if you forget about something and it rots, at least the mold will be contained.

3 THE SWEAR BET. Just like in the classic Simpsons episode where they had a Swear Jar for Homer, I recommend instituting a tally point system amongst your colleagues so that the most severe curser of the week who racks up the most points has to buy donuts, pizza, or coffee for the entire crew on Friday afternoon. This way, you make light of the fact that people swear too much but also bring a positive resolution to the situation.

4 MAP IT OUT. One essential tool to have by your side is the gift of timing. Well, it’s actually a skill, that when used properly is a gift for us all. When you are out to lunch or coffee with coworkers, put a reminder in your cell-phone calendar that beeps at a particular time alerting you that time is running out and you should head back soon. This way the group knows it’s time to go, without having to watch the clock and you won’t get a stern talking-to from the boss when you arrive back to work two hours late.

5 DON’T SWEAT IT. While in the gym with coworkers, you can’t let your “true gym self” come out. So if you usually work out in skintight clothing, you should dress a bit more conservatively at the office gym. Cover up any tattoos or piercings that seemed like such a good idea when you were seventeen. If you are one of those gym grunters who tend to yell when you lift, put a lid on it at work. Save your maxing out on the bench for another time or when colleagues aren’t around. For one, you look like a madman, with your face bulging red and the veins popping out. And two … well, there is no two. Just follow number one.