“NO MORE MEDICINE, Jake. I can’t do it anymore.”
“You’ll die.”
“Then let me.”
“I can’t.”
“When my body wanted to breathe, it breathed, when it was hungry, it ate—now it’s hungry for other things. Let it go, let it die.”
“You talk about your body as if it doesn’t even belong to you anymore.”
Joaquin bit his lower lip, then licked it, his mouth as dry as the soil he was raised in. “I know. But there’s more, there’s more than just the physical, there’s more than—”
“More what? More shit?”
“Not more shit, Jake. I don’t know—”
“Oh, you mean like heaven. Shit, J—”
“I didn’t call it heaven.”
“Oh, the great beyond?”
“Don’t, Jake. You think there’s nothing more to you than your body?”
“It’s a great place to start.”
“But is it a great place to end?”
“We don’t have any options. That’s where it starts—that’s where it ends.”
“There’s more.”
“No—”
“You don’t know.”
“What we—you and I—what we know will be gone. Our two bodies, they’ll be gone. I don’t care about anything else, J.” “It’s just that you don’t know anything else.”
“Do you, Joaquin?”
He bit his lip again. He stared at Jake for a long time—then reached over and combed his blond hair with his trembling fingers. “I had a dream last night. It was dark and there was light around her and she kept saying, “No tengas miedo, Hijo de mi vida, no tengas miedo.”
“Which means?”
“She was telling me not to be afraid.”
“Who’s the she?”
“My mother.”
“It was a dream.”
“She came for me.”
“That’s ridiculous. What do the dead need from the living? The dead have no lips, they have no voice. The dead don’t speak, J—and even if they did, they’d only speak to each other. Let the dead care for each other—let the living do the same. And it’s the living that matter. Take your medicine.”
“That stuff is killing me, damnit. I know my body. I know what it’s saying. I heard it tremble the first time I saw you in that bar, gringo, I heard it almost scream. I felt it turn into a fist when my mama died.” His voice was beginning to sound like the desert. “I know my body. You have to help me die.”
“I won’t.”
Joaquin leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Jacob Lesley Marsh, you don’t have a choice.”
Jake pushed him away. “The hell I don’t.” He started walking toward the door.
“When are you gonna start accepting what’s happening to us? Stupid gringo. Are you just gonna play hide-and-seek until it’s time?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Jacob, aren’t you tired? Aren’t you ever going to get tired of being angry? What’s so great about being pissed off all the time?”
Jacob stared at him for a long time. “I don’t always want to hear everything you have to say.”
“I’ve heard that line before, Jake.”
“No, I don’t think you’ve ever heard it.”
“Are we going to fight?”
“No, we’re not going to fight.” He slammed the door as he walked out of the apartment.
Joaquin stood at the door and laid himself down on the floor. He felt small and fragile and was afraid he’d break if he made a sudden move. “I’ll be safer on the floor,” he said, forgetting that Jake had just left. He stared at the ceiling and tried to think of a reason to keep fighting.