shimmering
faintly
something I see
from the
corner of my eye
but disappears
when I stare straight at it
hope
perhaps
not close
but existing
for me
in the future, even
is enough
to buoy my heart
a little
and keep me going
so dark these days have been
that I do not see darkness
but only stars
. . .
I stare at stars
at the beauty of night
for if I let myself
study the darkness
I would get lost in
just how absolute it feels
yes darkness
you are there
I have brought you into my life
in my ignorance
in my half wake state
and you descended creating
a long dark night of the soul
but I will not lose myself
in you
I will not let myself founder
or falter
or cease to believe
in the existence of a better day
. . .
instead I will trust the rhythm
of nature
with each death a rebirth
with each night a dawn
with each empty tide
a full one follows
today is just a hard day
it has just been a hard year
because I fought you, Darkness
for years
instead of letting myself
accept you as my teacher
to see what it was I had to learn
from you
now I busy myself
mending my net
examining my holes
doing the work the dark is good for
looking inward
repairing the habits
fixing the holes in my
self-love
that got me here
in the first place
I stare at the stars
my heart is quiet
in the winter of itself
but I will not be made idle
with despair
I will be a busy little animal
trusting nature
trusting rhythm
readying myself
for when that glimmer
on the horizon
shifts
for when the shimmering
grows more sure of itself
when the light in me
calls forth the light
in the world
sure of my own
worthiness
and ready to step into a new day
I bless this darkness
for without it
I would never do this work
I would be distracted continually
but in the dark
robbed of my sight
I must look inward
and while it is painful
I bless the wisdom
in me
that brought me here
. . .
I will try to be the best
student I can
of the night
for I sense
the quality of
myself here
is the quality that will come with me
as I walk through the rest of my days
and my willingness to really
roll up my sleeves
to do the hard work
will determine my experience here
in the long night of my soul
and will determine the length
of my stay
and will determine
I think
even the length and quality
of my return to day
so quiet, body
I know you are afraid
you crawl out of your skin
with the fear that
this darkness is here
forever
and quiet, mind
focus
on your mirror image
see the starlight within
and grow those points of light out
until the light swells across our internal
horizon
spilling outward
we are not in the business of
fighting darkness;
we are farmers of light
so stay quiet, body
stay focused, mind
stare at the stars
quiet yourself
and know
I am alive in here
waking inside myself